Gen x Mum of 15-18 teens

[Flyhigher]

Hi,
Finding it super hard to talk to my 15/16 teen girl. Any other gen x Mum’s find it hard too? Any advice? She hates everything I do. I actually feel bullied by her.

@Flyhigher We communicated a lot by text during the really fraught times, it took the emotion out of it and gave both of us chance to breathe before responding. There was a lot of one word answers but infinitely better than constant shouting and cooled the tempers which made for a much happier atmosphere in the house too

Also Gen X mother of DD16. It's very very hard sometimes. I have felt bullied too. FWIW, I agree with others that your best strategies are consistency, love and boundaries. I will admit I struggle with knowing how controlling I should be because in some situations my daughter expects to be treated like a toddler and in others expects to be treated like an adult. I remind myself that us typical teenage behaviour but it's hard. I now step right back - she'll learn faster by her own mistakes. If she sleeps in, bad luck. If she forgets stuff, I don't help her out now really.

Natural consequences work best. I wouldn't argue over the Wi-Fi. If my daughter doesn't pick up her clothes from the floor, I don't do any washing for her. If she won't try on school shoes, she wears her old ones. That's her problem. Send the other one back, why should you be out of pocket for school shoes she won't even try on. When she's unpleasant to me, I do basics like feed her but lifts, treats, extra kindnesses are out. Try and think of what your endgame is. Mine is to have a long lasting, warm relationship with my daughter so I remind us both that I love her but won't accept being treated poorly. I remember that in Small treats like a wee bunch of flowers to keep some positivity. Pick your battles, in 10 years time you won't care about the school shoes but you will care if you have a shit relationship with your daughter.

Good luck, it's obvious from your tone how stressed you are and I have been there. You're not alone, but it won't last forever.

Hi Op, gen x here too. I'm 52 with an almost 8 yr old so yes I'm already thinking about strategies that may serve us well in the teen years.
I agree with previous posters who are talking about focusing on the relationship rather than the control but it is not at all easy ( which is why Im practicing now) and possibly goes against all your inner child is telling you because of how you were brought up( that's where the generation difference usually is) I know not always, for those saying generation makes no difference.
The connective, relationship based parenting is not an easy fix. It's based on you regulating yourself so you can be a safe harbour for your child. In many ways its more difficult than consequences based control. But when I am regulated and concentrating on connection before correction it makes a world of difference ( I know 8 is fifteenth from 15 but we have some challenges).
I recommend looking up Sarah Fisher. Her website on connective parenting can be a great source of support and she's living it with a teen with challenging behaviour.
I really feel for you. You're right the consequences make things worse in the face of a scared challenging child and leads to explosions, lack of trust and further erosion of the relationship. Please look up the zbove website for specific help and look into connective parenting. Sending best wishes and much empathy .

Lots of helpful info here. Thank you.

I use this strategy with my daughter (diagnosed ADHD).

Then she doesn’t get them. She can walk around and in holey wet shoes because she was being a massive baby, throwing a massive tantrum.

I would absolutely rip her to shreds.

1. How dare she do that when you are trying to help her.
2. Why the hell is she not even competent at (almost) 16 to buy a pair of shoes that can be worn to school.
3. you are done with her shit. She will behave civilly to you or she will stay out of your way.
4. With the photo- it would be a hard No from me that she doesn’t get to fuck people around like that, and then at the last second expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.
5. Can I ask is ‘this beating’ a physical beating. Are you living under her violence. Then just call the police.

I am 53 and have 3 aged 14/15/16. Mostly they are very good, but they know that there would be zero tolerance of tantrums like that. Which doesn’t mean they don’t happen, but they tend to be short lived, and they are always ineffective.
We are all too busy to have shit dumped on us so you will know if I’m not happy (looking at Volleyball player whose ‘match’ was a day long tournament and eighty miles away).
They do get in some ways a lot of freedom, but they need to be able to explain what the plan is, what the safety measures are, and to not abuse the freedom they get.

I have come out the other side with a now lovely 22 year old dc. My reflections are that i re acted too much, I should have stepped back in arguments more than I did, i should have kept clear boundaries and stayed calm, i should have taken things less personally, i should have realised i was not alone and reached out for support. I should have found better ways to communicate. None of this is easy when you are in it, especially when it goes on for years. I have a good relationship with dc now but I cannot tell you how much relief i felt when they went to uni. We have built up from there to a much better place.

Outstanding advice ^

@mumonthehill and @FinnRussell have excellent advice here.

It feels painful, it feels personal and it feels like where the heck did my sweet child go and what did I do wrong.

accepting that you have to pick battles and observe the swing from toddler to adult behaviour is the way to stay more sane. You are her rock, her place of safety and the only place she can get this frustration out. I would say ‘I love you, always. But I don’t like the way you’re treating me or yourself - and I don’t think you do either. Let’s talk later’.

Try and create space not stand offs.

it will pass x

I don’t necessarily think this is a gen X thing. My parents are boomers and my youngest sister is only early 20s so much older parents. Dsis felt they were a little out of touch with her, but on the whole she was a pleasant teenager and they had a good relationship. I on the other hand was a nightmare and properly vile to my mum in particular and they were in their 20s when I was born! we all get on well now.

im late 30s with older teens. We’ve had our ups and downs but on the whole they’re good kids and we get on well. My advice is pick your battles and try not to take things personally. Think back to when you were young and how you felt about your parents. Don’t be offended by them not wanting to spend much time with you, it’s natural. I have standards and things that I have zero tolerance for, but on the whole they need space to grow and not have someone breathing down their neck. Let them make mistakes, but be there for them with advice and not judgment if things go wrong.

as far as contraception goes, the pill made my dd2 very emotional. She’s much better on the implant so maybe that’s something to think about?

most importantly really is make yourself a life that makes you happy. Go out with friends and your husband, have fun. Your dd needs to see you’re a person in your own right and not just someone who mopes around her moaning that she can use as her personal punching bag. Teenagers can be horrid. They mostly do grow out of it but it’s easier to deal with if you’re happy and content in yourself.

I think I'm so much older than her and I had such a different upbringing that I just find it super hard to connect as she wants. And I don't want to be the old discarded mum! It's easier if you have a big family near you with lots of cousins and so on.

It's not physical no. It's mental beating. But it hurts.

Lots of good advice here. Thank you.
I was so unprepared. There needs to be a handbook!

Some teens are vile. Some aren't. I wasn't vile. I was a bit challenging. But not vile. Anyway. Lots here made sense. Thank you. X

Wish there was a like button on posts!

I am genX. I currently have a wonderfully lovely 15yo, sorry, I went thru hell with my 1st 15yo if that makes you feel better. Who is not now a lovely adult, but we get along much better, yes.

if I may be so smug as to offer one little bit of advice because I suspect it is a strategy that has helped me ... listen. I say it constantly on MN. Listen 4-16x as much as you talk to your teens. Be the person they know who will always listen.

Give up telling them what to do unless the situation is compelling to you (life or limb or sanity). You have to help them see good decisions according to decision rules they themselves believe in, agree with, not tell them what to do.

There is now, you can give thanks to the posters whove given you good advice, click on the clapping hands

I agree with most, this isn't a gen x thing, unfortunately you've been dealt a difficult hand, I empathise but dont have any practical advice

I think it may be a gen x thing insomuch as people of our generation were often physically punished by our parents. As teens we didn't dare be vile as we would have got a literal beating - from small children we were much more afraid of our parents than children are today.

I'm not saying those is a good thing, clearly it isn't, but it does mean that we are ill equipped to deal with teens, as alternative strategies that do not involve ruling by fear were never demonstrated to us during our own upbringing.

@Almostwelsh I think that's true. My gen x Mum’s have said the same. I was hit a few times. So I didn't dare. Also very ill equipped to deal this. I guess my mum didn't know either.

@VisionsOfSplendour where are the clapping hands? X

Unless its one if those things that the app doesn't have

I'm a similar age and my daughter is now 24 my Ds is 13.

The only words of advice I can give are pick your battles. If she won't buy new shoes don't nag, she'll soon complain when she has wet feet. Ignore petty moaning but employ strict boundaries- for us it was no drugs, no smoking, no unprotected sex and school work is your priority. Everything else they learn as they mature.

Explain the consequences of having a sexual relationship will be hers to deal with if she gets pregnant and tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult she has to behave like one.

My DD has never been my friend but I'm her Mum and she knows I have her backs if she needs me. Our relationship now is one of mutual respect and I'm proud of her

1976 mum with 2008 daughter. If we both survive to see her become an adult it will be an actual miracle.....

Totally forgot to mention that I lent a copy of Untangled and it helped so much I bought my own copy. The Author, Lisa Damour, seems to talk a lot of sense. I swear it's the only reason that Me and DD are both still alive

which hormone helped? X