Gen x Mum of 15-18 teens

[Flyhigher]

Hi,
Finding it super hard to talk to my 15/16 teen girl. Any other gen x Mum’s find it hard too? Any advice? She hates everything I do. I actually feel bullied by her.

I really wish we didn't live near her school. She doesn't want her school friends to see us with her. Won't even walk to the shops.

Is it hormone related, does it change through the month? My daughter became much more reasonable to live with after starting hormonal contraceptives. She looks back and is surprised at how awful she used to feel and behave.

Ok. Might not be gen x related. But any helpful ideas from a mother my age?

She's only been on the mini pill for two weeks. But she's even worse on them. Combined is better for mood I think. But she's had migraines so can't take it.

How would you describe yourself as parents Op?

I feel for you and people telling you to take her out for a day etc maybe do not understand the level of the problem between some teens and parents. I am your age and have a daughter your age and have experienced similar and it is not as simple as just staying calm- these teens will follow you from room to room and it escalates in many cases to physical violence.
To the responder who said the Op was being insulting saying it could be autism etc, isn’t actually being fair as our daughter was diagnosed at 15 with ADHD and other mental health conditions which meant that the parenting style we had adopted did not work. That said poor mental health is not an excuse for rudeness and violence but may meen that your child will need interventions from other organisations
Feel for you op.

What actual consequences do you give her? Do you follow through? You being older isn't a reason she can act like this, I'm mid 30s and mine won't be seen with me either. But I won't accept bad behaviour, it's shut down and phone or internet or freedom are removed. You sound quite defeated and I swear they can smell fear and she used to steam rolling you so you need to pick yourself up and hard parent her and not actually show it hurts you

Deep breath because I can feel your panic and anxiety from here and that is going to make things even worse.

My dd is 15, I have multiple teen girls so experienced my fair share.

Op by insisting she tried the shoes on/ or another instruction you are creating battles that are not needed. Calmly say ‘unless you can try the shoes on, they will be returned and you can organise your own pair that fit correctly.’ Give her an hour to decide, if she doesn’t do it? Parcel them up, send them back. Actions have consequences. No shoes.

If she is swearing at you remind her that oh isn’t acceptable in your home, and if it happens again the WiFi will be turned off for the rest of the day until she can learn to be polite and respectful.

You have to remain calm, together and United in your approach. Otherwise it will escalate continuously.

Who is she having sex with? How did you find out? Is she coming to harm? This would explain her behaviour.

We don't remove phone or Internet. Only phone in extremes. She goes ballistic. It doesn't calm her down. She explodes into a stress ball of fury if phone is removed. She's an only child. And think it's her lifeline. They are addicted.

My teens hate being seen with me from 13+ this is normal.

That sounds really hard.
I read somewhere that rewards work much better than sanctions at this age.
Whether she is ND/NT you might find some of the parenting techniques worth looking at - look up PDA and behaviour/parenting and see if it resonates with what you are experiencing.

Thank you. Wisyhousewastidy x

I hear you OP my eldest is 17 now and starting to show glimmers of the pleasant young lady she can be but my God 12-16.5 yrs were BRUTAL
for me, it was a case of pick your battles. Don’t want to eat? Fine go hungry (but don’t stock the fridge with snacks) Don’t want to try on school shoes? Fine wear old knackered ones. Don’t want to go out with us? Fine but miss out on nice days. Won’t answer your phone to me? Fine, I stop paying for it. Shouting, swearing and slamming about? I just shrugged, pictured an overgrown toddler and told her she would grow out of it.
having sex? Teenagers do, it’s not ideal but have the conversations about consent, safety and respect.
I get called victorian parent as I ‘don’t let her do anything her friends do’
she can be sweetness and light with everyone else but viscous with me. I struggled for years feeling I was to blame, considered whether she was undiagnosed with something which would account for her horribleness. In the end, I got her some therapy. It’s helped but think it’s more to do with her growing up and growing out of it.

conversely, my younger teen (15) is lovely 🤷🏻‍♀️

it’s not easy, it’s not you being too soft or too harsh or too anything. Sometimes teens are lovely and sometimes they are nasty.

Be kind to yourself, but be consistent x

Doesn't matter what gen you are, teenagers will generally push against their parents - it's a rite of passage really. My dd started that shit at 11, she's 16 now and turning into quite a pleasant individual. (I'm 50 by the way)

Gen X here with a 16 yo also suspect that she's Neuro-diverse.

After a bit of a specular incident in Y11 we've finally had the support of the school and GO to get her referred. It's a shame it came to that as we've been asking for help since 2.

If you think your DD is the same, read up on PDA. We've changed how we interact with DD and she will actually spend some positive time with us now particularly me.

The first thing I did was to smile at her every time I saw her. I'd realised she was making me tense and that was probably reflected in my face so I acted like I was genuinely pleased to see her instead and I think it's helped.

I have 3 between 16 and 18 and am gen x.

Overall I have a good relationship with my girls although they can be trying at times.

Two bits of wisdom my own mum gave me:

It's not teens who struggle to grow up it's parents that struggle to let them. I continually think back to the freedom and responsibility I had growing up in the 80s.

Also pick your battles and let behaviour have consequences.

So for example over the 6 weeks I was chasing for their photo cards to renew their annual train pass. In the end I said this is the last time I am asking, you can pay for your own travel now until I get the photo cards. And meant it. I got the cards.

Also I never loved anyone enough to be treated like a ++++, least of all those who I love the most. And I do believe you get treated as you allow to an extent.

I can hear your upset and went through a very challenging year with my Ds.

I would say the fear about future , basic stress of exams I believe creates everything .

I would say pick your battles . I didn’t arrange a single day out over holidays . I am not going on holidays with him it will be no fun .. He is struggling to find himself.

i occasionally do things that make him happy - buy him a bottle of prime ,

I gave him his freedom to be in his room . Hot food downstairs only but snacks/ sandwiches he could eat upstairs .

The pp was saying there is a lot of emotive language but not real
examples.
what happens when she won’t try her shoes on ? How is that resolved ?
Teens are not known for taking advice from parents more been egocentric- it’s like toddler days again but they are too big to just pick them up and strap them in a car seat and just go .

Mid argument you won’t get anywhere so sort stuff out when calm , communicate through text .

We did try the calm shoes thing.

Her current shoes have holes in will leak in water.
Was not going to send shoes back as she will need them in a week tops.

I could have put them upstairs and just waited I guess. And stopped the internet. But we need the internet to work. As we work at home.

How do we stop the internet just for her? Also she has phone access. So she will just use that instead.

@Flyhigher when she goes ballistic if you take her phone what do you do? IMO phones are a privilege and wifi/phone access is dependent on behaviour. Infractions of behaviour or attitude = loss of phone + WiFi and then she has to earn it back.
Plus when DD gpt a phone we made it dependent on having random checks which we still do.
I am generation X (1978) and I really don't think this is a generational thing. It sounds like you need professional intervention to support you ALL, get to the bottom of the behaviour and give you some strategies to manage it.

@Alainlechat your travel pass reminded me. She point blank refused have her photo taken for passport renewal “why would I want to go on holiday with you etc.”

explained the timelines of applying for passports, now is her last chance or she won’t be able to change her mind and booked a week in Majorca without her. Of course, a week before we flew she then wanted to come with us! (Probably more to do with grandparents coming to ‘babysit’ rather than her thinking she would have the house to herself for a week)
I hated going away without her but she needed to learn that lesson and she has actually started listening to me now.

@Whycantibetangy Omg. It's exactly that. The same. Thank you.

@Whycantibetangy first woman that I feel has completely understood. But I guess you have to experience it yourself to actually know.

Is her phone set up as a child's account that you have control over? We can and have turned off our DC's phones when things have got a bit extreme.

Wi-Fi passwords can be changed too.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto the smiling probably helps a lot. Can't find a smile at the moment. But I think it would help.