Feel as though we've failed our children - they're really struggling

[WeeMadArthur1]

Please be gentle and I'm feeling quite shit about everything at the minute, and apologies in advance if this is long.

DH and I have two teens (15 and 17) and they're both really struggling. DC1 keeps saying she doesn't feel ready to be a grown up, she's so anxious and lacking in confidence. She's very intelligent and did brilliantly in GSCEs but is struggling to motivate herself with A levels and is starting to fall behind. We've tried to help with planning a schedule to do a little bit of work each day with something nice to look forward to in between but it's not helping. She really really struggles to speak to people, she has a small group of friends from school but hasn't made any new friends at college. She says she doesn't speak to anyone and eats her lunch on her own in the park.

She wants to go to university but our local one as she doesn't feel ready to leave home (which is fine) but they require very good A levels and she's worried she won't get them - her predicted grades are lower than she needs. We've talked about options if she doesn't do well enough, eg take a year out, but she doesn't feel able to work, she just can't speak to people or even email to ask about jobs. She gets really worked up if she has to do things like paying for something in a shop. She doesn't want to learn to drive as she doesn't think she'll be able to speak to the instructor. She spends almost all her time in her room on her phone or reading. She's met up with friends twice over the summer.

DC2 is also really anxious and shy. We're waiting for an autism assessment for her at the minute but we know the waiting list is massive. She only has one friend and says people think she's weird. She says me and DH are basically her social life and she gets very upset if we have a (rare) night out without her. She gets so anxious about going into school every morning and worries about everything, even though she is doing amazingly well academically and the teachers all say she is a perfect student.

I see friend's teens out with friends, getting Saturday jobs, playing sports, etc and all of these things just feel beyond our two. DH has struggled with depression and it felt as though he 'checked out' of family life for a while so I felt as though the parenting was all down to me. He's loads better now but I wonder whether when he was ill I let the kids down by not helping to build confidence and resilience. I've always been shy bit I really tried to talk to people and try to model confident behaviour even though I didn't feel it, and always praise them, etc. They are lovely, funny, clever, kind kids. But they have no confidence at all, I feel as though there becoming adults but without the skills to deal with it. I've failed as a parent.😥

Always like this or developed over time?

I was a shy teenager and what cracked it for me was a succession of baptisms of fire. Moving away to uni, getting a part time job, booking a block of 10 driving lessons so I would commit to the initial difficult bit, just forcing myself to do things I didn't want to do to confront it head on. It is sink or swim so I guess it's not for everyone, but it worked for me.

No real advice, just encouragement to be brave I suppose?

Also I'm 28 with a child and a mortgage and I also don't feel ready to be an adult 🙃 does anyone really?

They’ve always been shy and a bit anxious but it does feel as though it’s got worse lately. I was very similar in forcing myself to do things I found hard, and it did help. DC2 is a bit better at doing that, she has made herself do things she really didn’t think she could. But DC1 doesn’t seem to be able to make herself. There have been things at college a bit out of the usual routine, eg careers days, sports days at school, etc and she got as far as getting herself there but then just kept texting me saying how scared she was and couldn’t go in. I tried to reassure her, once you’re there it will feel better, etc but she couldn’t, she just came home again and then beat herself up about it for ages.

Have you taken your eldest to see a doctor? Sounds like it could be an anxiety disorder and may need medical or therapeutic support. I see no reason to blame yourself though - plenty of people suffer from mental health issues, especially in their teens.

No we haven’t taken her to the doctor. She did have a physical illness when she was younger which made her very anxious and we tried to get a referral for support with that then and they basically said she’d need to be suicidal to get any support/counselling so we haven’t tried again. I think we might need to broach it with her to see if she would go if we found private counselling/therapy (I’m not even sure what type of thing we’d need?) as she is so reluctant to speak to anyone at all who she doesn’t know, I’m not sure whether it would work.

I don't think this has anything to do with you as a parent. But if your husband has/had depression it can run in families.
I think you are noticing things more now as it is d or red that at those ages they are rebelling a bit and getting more independent.
I'd go private for counselling if you can. My son went for a few sessions, but only after a close friend did- my suggestions fell on deaf ears.

Goodness op- given what you have deceived, yes I do think some professional support should be sought.

try the gp but there will be quite a waiting list but medication could help ease and then private if no nhs imminent help

Described

Teenage anxiety is all too common.
There are some organisations that offer support online or in other non face to face ways - look up Young Minds and maybe Kooth?
Gentle exposure is good for anxiety - but it sounds like that's particularly hard for your eldest child.
Confidence building is important but hard for many - do they have any hobbies or interests outside school which engage? Voluntary work can be helpful. Less pressure than school/work.

I'd seriously suspect they're both ND, it's not how you've brought them up, it's who they are! This behaviour is probably very familiar to anyone with a child with ASD - I wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't have one to really understand though.

My advice would be small steps and preparing them for everything. Start by going to the shops with oldest. Get her to watch how you pay for shopping a few times. Then get her to buy a few things and go in front of you and pay while you're behind her with your shopping. Then after a few goes of that get her to go in by herself and buy a few things without you. It's all about building up her confidence and getting her used to doing things alone. Do the same steps with catching a bus/train. Honestly it doesn't take as long and isn't as difficult as you'd imagine at this age I've found, they just need a bit of a push and some encouragement to start on the steps. Get the youngest involved as well actually and if they get on maybe they could even start doing some things together.

I would say for dd1 also, with anything she is going to do, the more she can find out about it in advance the less anxious she will be. So email her tutors on her behalf, say you suspect ASD and that any info they can give you on x upcoming event will really help her to cope. Ask a few questions that she's worried about ie will she have to participate in sports day, what will those that don't participate be doing etc this support is so, so helpful in keeping a teen with ASD afloat. Tony Attwood says basically that kids with ASD need a helicopter parent to smooth the way for them so they can be successful. They need that bit more help with organisation, social skills, anxiety, feeling prepared, knowing that how they feel is ok even if they don't feel ok.

OP, you sound like a great mum and really supportive. When I read your post it was obvious to me that your DCs have inherited generalised anxiety issues- its inherited from parents and your DH clearly has suffered on and off over the years with his MH. They are at an age now when you can’t “ compensate” so well as their parent to help them manage it in their lives and hence it’s more apparent. It’s such a barrier in life and my advice would be to pay privately to see a GP for anxiety medication - it will make a huge difference. Counselling is fine for some forms of anxiety that have a trigger from events but it seems to mr there is more organic issues at play for them, good luck x

My experience is that teens either
sail through or it’s a train wreck and it has nothing (or little) to do with parenting or indication of future outcome. I have one of each. The one that didn’t struggle as a kid is struggling a bit now and the one who had
it harder as a child is now blossoming. It’s not your fault. Keep trying and they will
come out the other side it takes time- I didn’t catch up with my peers in many ways until I was in my 30s and now doing better than a fair few of them. Hold on! Teens are hard!!!!!

My 16 year old DD is exactly the same. Has done almost nothing since finishing school in June, hasn't met up with a single school friend despite saying she had school friends. Spends all her time on her phone/Switch/sleeping. I have forced her do some days out and come on some trips away but left to her own devices she does nothing. I've got all my hopes pinned on her making friends to build confidence at college, and your post has me worried this isn't the magic fix I am hoping for. I am hoping college will help her make friends so she has the confidence to go away for uni. Mine does have a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD though sometimes I've doubted the ASD diagnosis. Reading replies to this post affirms it's probably true. I have asked around a lot of parents with teens and teens themselves (through my line of work) and lot have said this is exactly their experience with their teenager too, that they need their parent to apply to college/jobs/uni etc for them, that they won't get a train or bus, that they don't go out to parties etc. This has been reassuring to me that this seems like a common thing for teens today and not just a failure on my part.

OP they sound a bit like my kids, both mine have ASD, DS diagnosed young, DD just recently It's not your fault. Try not to do the comparing with other teenagers thing, I know it's hard! What I think with mine is that you have to accept its going to take them a bit longer, and they're going to need bit more help than other people but have faith and confidence in them, and tell them that. The uncomfortable truth is the only way to get over anxiety is to face your fears, your job is to help them with small, manageable steps, and make sure they understand that everyone is different, and they're doing great.

If your youngest is being investigated for asd I'd hedge my bets your eldest is too hence her anxiety

Might be worth showing your eldest (or both) this site: https://www.kooth.com/

Young people can get help and support there without actually having to speak to someone face to face in real life. It gives a teenager privacy to address their problems without having to "confess" to these weaknesses to those around them. It's worth a try.

My OH suffered with anxiety and depression (as did his mother) and one of our DDs went down the same route - so I am sure there is a hereditary element for some. She has received help and is doing well.

Blaming yourself is not helpful - we all do our best as parents, but we can only deal with what we have - and all children are different - we have to work with that raw material. Your children have been loved, they have not been abused (I assume!), you have given them support, they are achieving in many ways - so all positives.

We cannot live our children's lives for them and they have to learn to deal with who they are themselves - and it can take time. But you can be there in the background, as you are, feeding in help when needed. Navigating the teenage years can be a challenge for parents - there will be some who have the opposite problems!

Did you have them in clubs and give them experiences as they grew up? Or because your husband was ill, was it just them at home with the two of you?

I was going to say I would suspect autism in your oldest as well as your youngest. It sounds very familiar. Try not to get stuck on blaming yourself, there are so many variables when it comes to parenting & a lot comes down to personality/ life experiences plus neurodiversity.

And there’s Covid/lockdown

I would look for a therapist that specialises in teenagers. If you don't address this, it will only get worse.

I agree, as the mum of a DC with autism that they both sound like they have traits - the anxiety over changes to routine and social interactions stand out. Does she have anything she really loves that you can use to motivate her to broaden her horizons a little - eg animals, a trip to the zoo or horse riding, where she loves the activity but has to go a little bit out of her comfort zone to benefit?

I don’t think it sounds like you OP. You sound very considerate and like you’ve really tried. Some kids just find it harder than others - and this age had a huge chunk of their social development taken away at a crucial time. Some haven’t really recovered from that. It’s like they missed a rung of the ladder.

Find a private therapist who sees adolescents, attend the first appointment with her. Her anxiety is affecting her functioning and uni will only be harder.

Op I could have written your post.

Currently sat doing some college summer 'getting to know you' tasks. Dc1 waiting for gcse results on Thursday has sat doing hardly any work all day completely lost and when writing about achievements sais "I don't have any".

They have completely backed out of social events yet desperately want friends and seem s naive and young for their age.

I watch my other friends with their dc that bound through life and wonder where I have gone wrong.

Today's treat is going out to walk in a wooded area for fresh air and peace of mind.

I know how you feel and can only offer sympathies.

Oh and they backed out of all counselling and support, it's very frustrating.

Op this really is not your fault.
The pandemic has created huge problems for even the most robust teenagers.

Find a BACP counsellor that specialises and is trained to work with teenagers and anxiety disorders, and request zoom meetings for dd in privacy to start with. Your dd will probably find it easier on line than in person. Start asap. Confidence can be built, this is not a lost cause.

Can you stretch to a tutor to help her catch up with her a levels? Support her by working with her if you can. So she doesn’t feel alone.

You said she has friends? Invite them over for lots of sleepovers and days at your house. Drop them off into town for a coffee but stay in town so she is reassured you are nearby. Gradually increase to lunch, shopping and cinema.

I am of the view that you have to gently keep stretching them, do not give in or give up. It does work.