Feel as though we've failed our children - they're really struggling

[WeeMadArthur1]

Please be gentle and I'm feeling quite shit about everything at the minute, and apologies in advance if this is long.

DH and I have two teens (15 and 17) and they're both really struggling. DC1 keeps saying she doesn't feel ready to be a grown up, she's so anxious and lacking in confidence. She's very intelligent and did brilliantly in GSCEs but is struggling to motivate herself with A levels and is starting to fall behind. We've tried to help with planning a schedule to do a little bit of work each day with something nice to look forward to in between but it's not helping. She really really struggles to speak to people, she has a small group of friends from school but hasn't made any new friends at college. She says she doesn't speak to anyone and eats her lunch on her own in the park.

She wants to go to university but our local one as she doesn't feel ready to leave home (which is fine) but they require very good A levels and she's worried she won't get them - her predicted grades are lower than she needs. We've talked about options if she doesn't do well enough, eg take a year out, but she doesn't feel able to work, she just can't speak to people or even email to ask about jobs. She gets really worked up if she has to do things like paying for something in a shop. She doesn't want to learn to drive as she doesn't think she'll be able to speak to the instructor. She spends almost all her time in her room on her phone or reading. She's met up with friends twice over the summer.

DC2 is also really anxious and shy. We're waiting for an autism assessment for her at the minute but we know the waiting list is massive. She only has one friend and says people think she's weird. She says me and DH are basically her social life and she gets very upset if we have a (rare) night out without her. She gets so anxious about going into school every morning and worries about everything, even though she is doing amazingly well academically and the teachers all say she is a perfect student.

I see friend's teens out with friends, getting Saturday jobs, playing sports, etc and all of these things just feel beyond our two. DH has struggled with depression and it felt as though he 'checked out' of family life for a while so I felt as though the parenting was all down to me. He's loads better now but I wonder whether when he was ill I let the kids down by not helping to build confidence and resilience. I've always been shy bit I really tried to talk to people and try to model confident behaviour even though I didn't feel it, and always praise them, etc. They are lovely, funny, clever, kind kids. But they have no confidence at all, I feel as though there becoming adults but without the skills to deal with it. I've failed as a parent.😥

Do you have the funds for private?

The camhs thing rings true here. Tried to get ds referred, thanks to some v odd behaviours at home (all of which appear to indicate extreme anxiety) and an incident of him running away, but he doesn't fit the criteria. Apparentkybif he's waiting for an asd assessment they don't get involved either. Children's services are now referring him to some local counselling group, but I have no idea how long that will take.

This is most definitely not something that you have caused.

My 16 year old son has ASD, Asperger's to be exact and my 11 year old daughter is in the process of being assessed. My son is exactly like your eldest. We have been on the waiting list for years for help with his anxiety. He has to see cahms and a go can't medicate or do anything with him until he is 18. However, a diagnosis helped him so much. He understood why he feels the way he feels. His brain works differently he is not weird as the kids called him. We moved him to a school with a specialist unit for children with ASD and he flourished. The kid that couldnt bear leaving the house has actually sat his GCSE's and it was so bad I never thought he would do it. The thing is when you have that diagnosis yes the medical lart of it in terms of support is horrific. But schools and college can put so much in place to help support.
He has a pass to leave lessons if it's overwhelming. They put him in a smaller class. They do not change his timetable at all and if there is a sports day or something does change it he is excused. He sat his exams in a smaller room with a handful of other students and he has actually made a couple of friends.
We had years of turmoil. Years of bullying. Years of worrying myself sick because he didn't want to be here anymore. I know how hard it is. Life changed so much for us when we had his diagnosis and changed his school to a more suitable school and that was a challenge at first but it paid off.

My daughter portrays a little differently as girls do. Add is much harder to recognise in girls as they are much better at masking it. She suffers with social anxiety terribly but the main issue for her is sensory issues. She cannot deal with noise at all. She would rather sit outside and eat her lunch in the rain because the noise levels of the dinner hall are painful. She can't deal with crowds but it is more due to the noise. She also likes a routine but she isn't as regimented as my son. She will also eat a more varied diet whereas my son is very limited in what he will eat.

Every person with ASD is different. I would definitely push for an assessment for both children. If you have one child with ASD it is likely the other also has ASD and I was also told it usually runs in families. After our son was diagnosed and we learned that half his behaviours we always deemed to be his little quirks were in fact stimming and asd traits we quickly came to realise my husband also has traits.

It is hard watching your children struggle but it is not your fault. I have sat there and been exactly where you are now. I have felt helpless and not known what to do to help. It's hard and we continue to have our struggles but having answers helps and it helps find solutions to the problems.

Good luck

On top of what people have said, other healthy living measures might help - exercise (videos at home or country walks where it's not too social), healthy food, drinking enough water, decent sleep routine, spending time in green places.

Not saying it's a magic bullet but it might help.

And I have to say, you're a hero for having managed this plus DH's problems for years, don't beat yourself up.

Op - how about you? Are you confident? Happy? Socialise with friends? Willing to give new things a try?

What would be the benefit day to day of a diagnosis? I can see how it would definitely help with support at school/college but would it help with getting work, general life, etc?

It would help them to understand who they are.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record (I’ve said this a few times on threads recently) the #1 benefit of a young person having an autism diagnosis is the realisation that they’re not broken. They aren’t a failure, or a socially awkward weirdo. They aren’t unlikeable.

They are a normal autistic person, not an abnormal neurotypical person.

They can move forward through life making allowances for themselves and accommodating their limitations. That can be anything from avoiding careers that require a ton of social interaction to knowing it’s OK to say no to social invitations when they’d rather go home and recharge their social battery.

I've found these posts really helpful as well!

My dd, 17, has severe anxiety and we have been pursuing help for over a year. Start with the gp and be determined and politely demanding for support

We ended up getting private therapy as she was rejected by CAMHs x3 - she's now developed disordered eating and after pushing and being demanding the adult services are finally taking her seriously.

CBT therapy is well worth having - charities such as Young Minds will provide it for free.

You have to fight - the system is at breaking point, if not already broken.

I do wish you and your children well.

I'm ok, I was painfully shy as a child, I remember a while school year when I was 11 or 12 when I hardly spoke to anyone. But I gradually got a bit more confident, got myself a Saturday job when I was 16, made friends, etc. I'd still describe myself as an introvert, I'm never the one arranging social things, but I enjoy seeing friends in small groups and have a nice group of close friends. I'd also be happy to go on my own to things (classes, etc).

The more I think about it the more I wonder whether all four of us are ND in some way. DH is very introverted, doesn't really have any friends, but goes through stages of having quite unusual slightly obsessive hobbies.

I think if the girls see you and dh embracing new opportunities, maybe a completely different family holiday to usual, a completely different restaurant cuisine than one the family usually go to, attending your work evening bash when they’re used to you always declining…
just little things - where they see their parents doing something different, no matter how small, it will seep in.

Thanks again for all the supportive and helpful comments. I think we can afford to pay for private counselling (DH had it and found it helpful). It would actually involve DD actually speaking to someone though so I'm not sure it's as simple as just finding one!

Can a private counsellor also diagnose ASD? Or would that be psychologist, psychiatrist, private GP, something else?

I want to be able to do something to help them both sooner, rather than (or as well as) trying/waiting to get some support through the NHS.

i’m shamelessly placemarking to benefit from all the fantastic advice you are getting

Sorry I hate posts like this. Makes people feel they've not got the "parenting a-z" memo and failed somehow and that's just not true.

I'm parent to a child with very similar issues. Not quite as old as your kids but sounds the same. There is no text book on how to deal with social anxiety in kids. It's not like we all have the facts here. Nobody knows how best to deal with it.

It's surely quite normal to believe that maybe as they get older they will grow out of it, and some do. I was terribly shy and immature as a child but I grew out of it.. actually moved out of the home quite young (and a bit clueless but I'm still alive!) I believed/believe my kid would and will eventually be ok too.

I will say that with mine I have been to the GP (told there is a 2 year waiting lists for mental health services so not much point pursuing that), I have paid privately for therapy (I can no longer afford it, and it didn't do a thing..unless you have enough money to pay for the equivalent of a second mortgage this isn't a viable option anyway), spoke to school SENCO and ed psych (they did very little, but what they did do didn't really help). The times my child has shown most improvement and seems happiest is when I'm not making an issue of it. A diagnosis of ASD might explain why they are how they are, but it isn't a magic cure... (again we are on the never ending waiting list for this too!!) Just sitting and listening, understanding and being there has shown the greatest effectiveness for my kid.

OP, I didn't say in my earlier post but DS has an ASD diagnosis. It took him a long time to feel comfortable socially but he;s acquired the skills now, to the extent that he isn;t merely masking but being sociable in a way he chooses to be, then coming home for down time as needed. He had no friends and extreme anxiety until he was in upper sixth, but now has several secure friendship groups. It can change, but they have to put the work in to build their social confidence.

For ASD diagnosis you need a developmental paediatrician to do ADOS. Expect to pay £1k-£2k (that's a guess because our assessment covered ADHD as well). You don't have time now to wait for the NHS.

The reasons I would do it are i) you and DD will know what is up and can stop beating yourself up; ii) you might get a little bit of support from the college - separate room for exams etc; iii) you will have more idea re strategies generally; and iv) universities seem to be improving with their ASD support (my friend's just trained as a university ASD support worker) and there's even special accommodation at some.

More knowledge might help your younger DC too.

None of that gets in the way of being there for your DC.

Just a warning but my younger sister (who I suspect has some kind of undiagnosed SEN) didn't "grow out" of them in any sense until well into her 40s! It's definitely in your and DH's interest to make progress on this.

Could you find some groups to join, I know that is hard but finding people with common interests might help. My DD are in Rangers and do Martial Arts with their dad so out of the house at least twice a week. Book clubs or art clubs. Seems social anxiety is all too common these days. I would start by giving her small jobs to do, like go to the corner shop and get some milk or order a milkshake at a cafe. Just practice talking to people, she will find most people are okay. Good luck I know it can feel like your fault been there, but it isn't.

Not forgetting (sorry if it's been said), a chunk of their teen years have been COVID times, with all the hindrance on normal opportunities to stretch oneself socially that entailed.
So, add in that face to face socialising isn't the default for young people in the same way as it always was, it's hardly surprising more are struggling than we may have seen in the past.
Not much help to say this, just sympathy for your struggle, hope you don't beat yourself up too much, we're all just bumbling along doing our best!

Same here. Could some gentle pushing help? Can you go along with her the first driving lesson, for example? Also reassuring her that no one feels ready to be an adult.

Have a look at a company called Anxend. They do short coaching interventions - it's low cost and very successful.

I agree with this, even if she does have mild ASD or ADHD symptoms. DS2 has both and was very ill-equipped to handle student and adult life. But the only way to survive was for him to go out there, make lots of mistakes, go through a fair amount of pain working out how to hold down friendships, relationships, workloads etc. It wasn't easy for him at all..Now he can do all of these. He understands his limits and also his capabilities. Most importantly, he now realises life isn't easy, that what he wants can sometimes be tough to achieve and that he is growing the resilience and skills to get there.

You haven’t failed as a parent. You sound absolutely lovely. Take some time for yourself every day even if just a small walk or a chat with a friend to recharge. You have 2 lovely teens by the sound of it.
yes their worry and anxiety is such a worry for you. There’s so much advice on here re MH conditions and I’m not qualified to comment.
Whilst you pursue any of those options, just wanted to point out some practical in home tips you could maybe try alongside the other advice.
Try and encourage healthy diet and exercise. Maybe do some yoga with them, long walks leave phones behind, supplements - VIT B deficiency can affect nervous system. HIIT workouts in the home, Just dance from YouTube together - anything that gets them moving releases endorphins and ensure they’re eating well and feel good about themselves.
Dont share with them that you are anxious about them. You need to be calm and strong whilst they flail around. Their anchor. If they say they’re panicking about something you can empathise but then ask them if they have a plan or ideas how to resolve it and pick through their ideas with them - don’t solve for them. Don’t push too hard but just a little more each time maybe.
Start building more resilience at home to begin with if they don’t go out. Maybe small tasks they each have responsibility for. Perhaps cooking a meal one night a week for the family with you around. Then they go shopping for it and then cook it. So they get a sense of accomplishment.

dont be hard on yourself - you’re doing what you can and it’s very difficult for young people at the moment. They sound lovely and decent and they have you and I’m sure they will be ok. Remember everyone is on a different timeline.

PS my daughter went to college in 2020 in Covid and made no year 12 friends. She ate lunch a lone every day. She eventually found a small group in yr 13 and enjoyed it more. She had a cry yesterday about returning to Uni in second year and has had a quiet summer - however I am trying to stay calm and also believe she is brave at overcoming her fears.

just looked at Anxend as someone else recommended and it looks great.

What is your experience of them @Pigletpoglet ?

I was looking at them, but feel wary. For example, for their “lead coach” their experience and qualifications don’t seem to stack up. They state they “studied counselling psychology at Bournemouth University” rather than “gained BSc in counselling psychology …” and there is no BSc listed in their qualifications. The qualifications seem relatively low level, and the experience not directly relevant (eg business specialist for Astute). This is their lead councillor/coach.

When I tried to query it with the company they said I would have to book in for an assessment.

If others have used them, I would be interested in their experiences. My concern is they are cashing in on anxious kids without having the expertise to deal with them, but I am happy to be told I’m wrong.