Feel as though we've failed our children - they're really struggling

[WeeMadArthur1]

Please be gentle and I'm feeling quite shit about everything at the minute, and apologies in advance if this is long.

DH and I have two teens (15 and 17) and they're both really struggling. DC1 keeps saying she doesn't feel ready to be a grown up, she's so anxious and lacking in confidence. She's very intelligent and did brilliantly in GSCEs but is struggling to motivate herself with A levels and is starting to fall behind. We've tried to help with planning a schedule to do a little bit of work each day with something nice to look forward to in between but it's not helping. She really really struggles to speak to people, she has a small group of friends from school but hasn't made any new friends at college. She says she doesn't speak to anyone and eats her lunch on her own in the park.

She wants to go to university but our local one as she doesn't feel ready to leave home (which is fine) but they require very good A levels and she's worried she won't get them - her predicted grades are lower than she needs. We've talked about options if she doesn't do well enough, eg take a year out, but she doesn't feel able to work, she just can't speak to people or even email to ask about jobs. She gets really worked up if she has to do things like paying for something in a shop. She doesn't want to learn to drive as she doesn't think she'll be able to speak to the instructor. She spends almost all her time in her room on her phone or reading. She's met up with friends twice over the summer.

DC2 is also really anxious and shy. We're waiting for an autism assessment for her at the minute but we know the waiting list is massive. She only has one friend and says people think she's weird. She says me and DH are basically her social life and she gets very upset if we have a (rare) night out without her. She gets so anxious about going into school every morning and worries about everything, even though she is doing amazingly well academically and the teachers all say she is a perfect student.

I see friend's teens out with friends, getting Saturday jobs, playing sports, etc and all of these things just feel beyond our two. DH has struggled with depression and it felt as though he 'checked out' of family life for a while so I felt as though the parenting was all down to me. He's loads better now but I wonder whether when he was ill I let the kids down by not helping to build confidence and resilience. I've always been shy bit I really tried to talk to people and try to model confident behaviour even though I didn't feel it, and always praise them, etc. They are lovely, funny, clever, kind kids. But they have no confidence at all, I feel as though there becoming adults but without the skills to deal with it. I've failed as a parent.😥

My dd had these struggles and I gradually but very very gently continued to introduce more and more activities and days out, friends and socialising until she began organising herself one day. You have a whole year to work on this with her, before any decisions need to be made re Uni. I agree with pp anxiety needs addressing as it does get worse left untreated.

I would suspect that maybe your DC1 has undiagnosed social anxiety. She sounds very similar indeed to a relative of mine. She benefited hugely from a formal diagnosis (both psychologist and GP), and had counselling which really helped a lot.

Thank you so much for all your replies. They're really helpful. I'm going to read and reply properly later, it's given me a lot to think about.

We tried various clubs. DC2 stuck at a couple for a few months as a friend was with her but then really hated going so stopped. DC1 tried a few different sports and volunteering when he was older but lasted a few times and then really really couldn't make himself go back again. I could have taken him in crying when he was younger but didn't think that would be helpful for him.

I could have alimony written this post myself - with a few changes! My DD is now 20 and at Uni, has a part time job and is ok with communicating etc but it seems that she just keeps to her very small group of friends and although she is an adult she hates doing adulting stuff (she doesn’t really drink and isn’t into the whole uni party thing.)
my DS is 14 and is very quiet and won’t talk to anyone outside the immediate family, he only has 2 friends at school (he transitioned to secondary in 2020 to a school with none of his primary friends and didn’t go to school properly until last year) I really worry for him as DD can at least do work and communicate but DS only wants to be with me and his Dad most of the time.
he’s in air cadets which we hoped would help his social skills but it hasn’t.

we feel like terrible parents. I don’t know what more to do 😢

I felt really bad for them reading this and all the wonderful things and experiences they could miss out on. It made think it would be helpful to reframe it to them as a skill like reading and how when you can’t read, you are cut off from an entire world of stories, history, independence, access to health - everything. The social skills and resilience they need will take as much practice and development as reading but once they get good, the world will be such a different place for them. Good luck

They both sound ASD and chronic anxiety. They both sound like they have very low self esteem. Why have you not been proactive and done anything about it before? You need to be proactive now. My closest friend is battling something similar but a lot worse with her dd15. She has spent months chasing school, Senco, GP, ASD referral, anxiety counsellor privately, camhs, ASD consultant privately, psychiatrist, etc. It's been horrendous and she's cried a lot.

You need to act like a private investigator, like your dealing with a case that has 7 different leads. You phone and chase and email each 7 bodies egtwice a week.

Having ASD.. Two daughters with it and four Grandsons.. l believe both are ASD.. it's harder to show in girls.. depression is part of it.
My 18 year old Grandson sounds just like your 17 year old.
He was diagnosed as a very young child.

Can you afford private? Do you have any spare income? Talk to dc. Both of them. Talk to them about everything. Your concerns and what you plan to do. If they agree get a counsellor asap for the anxiety. This needs addressing first.

This counsellor came highly recommended. See picture. She does zoom so you use her. Or someone else local.

Does your dc like reading? This book is beyond superb.

I read your description of your eldest daughter and thought autism straight away (I’m late diagnosed and had very similar issues at her age). Then you said your youngest is awaiting assessment - bingo.

In teen girls it can manifest as high anxiety, social issues and high intelligence.

Op you’ve had lots of really excellent advice on here about how you can help your teens to which I would add, don’t panic, give it a few years, hang in there, this is partly normal development (hiding in room etc) partly the effects of the pandemic, partly the effects of being on-line too much and not interacting with rl people, and partly anxiety, which is horrible but can be treated. And possible ND. I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel!

But mainly I wanted to address my comments to you, as your worry and guilt over this situation radiates out of your opening post, and with the benefit of hindsight of someone who has gone through something very similar, please believe me when I say this is NOT your fault, it really isn’t, you are obviously a very conscientious parent, and moreover, no good will come of you beating yourself up about it. It will get better even though things seem dire now, and you have NOT failed your children!

Please get some support and help for yourself, as parenting teens who are unhappy and anxious can be very draining, upsetting and lonely . Please step back a bit to preserve your own equanimity and don’t be tempted to follow every emotional up and down rollercoaster ride that your teens are involved in, to the extent that your own mh suffers. They need you as their granite like safe place and emotional shock absorber!

At a certain point, dc stop needing top down directive parenting and they need more of a solid, stable, rock-like cheerleader role-model who waves them off saying “yes that’s a potentially hard thing you are doing but I will be interested to see how YOU overcome x and y obstacles, I know you are up to the challenge if you take it step by step”.

They may not take much notice of what you say but they will be observing your actions, and taking in how you handle life’s stresses and difficulties, and if you second guess yourself too much, or beat yourself up too much, that will unsettle them even more. In a way adolescence is a huge test of parents metal and resilience as much as it is of the teens themselves! And it sounds like you have been left alone to deal with a lot of it so it’s not surprising that you are feeling a bit wrung out!

The thing to do now op is to try and stop stressing and blaming yourself. Talk to a counsellor or a friend. Invest in yourself. Take up a new hobby and do things which boost your inner joy and peace.

Step back a bit. Support your teens to get the help they need but the emphasis now should be on them trying to find solutions to problems for themselves while you help from behind the scenes as it were. This will give them the signal that you trust them enough to navigate obstacles and that you have confidence in their abilities.

Also, check out Lisa Damour’s podcast and books which are very helpful and sensible.

Good luck 💐

As someone who has suffered with social anxiety to varying degrees my entire life, I'd say that your eldest child is maybe displaying signs of this.

Unfortunately, avoiding all the anxiety-inducing situations just feeds the anxiety and makes it worse.

You could try accompanying her to do the things that make her anxious and guiding her/modelling then encouraging her to do them on her own, in your presence initially.

I also agree with the others that professional intervention could be beneficial.

OP I was exactly like your DC when I was a child/teenager, the thought of speaking to people terrified me. The same worked for me as this PP mentions, just forcing myself to do things. I’m still shy and that’s ok, I can live a ‘normal’ adult life and go for jobs and make calls etc

You do need to be a bit brisk and tough with her, but n a way that says you have faith in her.

Do some CBT workbooks with her - there are some good ones from anxious teens.

Get her to talk through the worst case scenarios and how she would handle them. Remind her of things she has been scared of before and overcome - swimming, riding a bike, starting school, starting secondary school, GCSEs etc. Explain that it's normal and natural to feel very anxious about becoming an adult but that can't stop her from becoming one. She has to do things despite her fear. Maybe get her the old classic self help book 'feel the fear' or show her some Brene Brown or similar ted talks.

Get her to take small steps. When DS felt like this, I really hammered into his brain that how people react to any steps you take is not in your control. What is in your control is whether or not you take the steps. So, say 'Hi' to someone in a class who you've not spoken to before and that's your challenge of the day successfully completed. No matter if they walk away or smile and say 'Hi' back. Similarly, applying for jobs, taking driving lessons, asking someone for coffee etc.

It's OK to fail or be rejected in life. Failure and rejection are very healthy and normal parts of learning. Apply for a job, don't get it, learn a bit about how to make a better impression next time. Take driving lessons: some go well, some go badly. Most people don't pass first time. No matter. Work out what to focus on, and resit. Etc etc.

Learning that actions not results are the key to success, that failure and anxiety are normal, healthy states of growth are essential life skills for teens.

"She wants to go to university but our local one as she doesn't feel ready to leave home (which is fine)"

I don't think I have ever hears of a university telling a family/student that! That's pretty cheeky! How would THEY know?

Same here. I did a year abroad and it increased my confidence ten-fold. "Feel the fear and do it anyway" and all that. That's actually a book title and it might be worth getting it for your eldest.

No she means that her daughter wants to go to the local uni so she can live at home

Got it. Completely misread that. I was angry at the university! 😂

I've got a ds like this. Ish.

He's nearly 14 and we've had him referred for asd assessment this year. Probably about 10 years too late, but it's only become an issue in high school.

He can't make friends. He's chronically shy in a group, but ok 121. But he can give a spee h in frknt of his class without even a flicker. He will never make the first move and just waits for people to come to him. He is the weirdo on the periphery of a group of lads, who he's only near because he was in primary with some. They are, by and large, arseholes who want to be cool and pick fights. His head of year thinks they're lovely lads. He won't break away and try to find other friends. Often sits alone at lunch.

He is gutted tonight, because a boy he used to be friends with- then cut off because he was afraid of being associated with him- then kind of picked up with again, has invited a mutual friend to a sleepover. But not him. "But we talk online!" Yes, but you spent much of the year not talking to him, because you were worried he would pull your social standing even further down. But you're the one who's ended up alone.

I've had to explain how friendships work and that you have to put effort into making and maintaining friendships. He's that kid everyone likes, but no one knows or thinks to invite anywhere. He does 2 different activities outside school. It bothers me, because we live in an area it's not really safe to be a loner. And it bothers me because he's missing out on so much.

Start a thread in the SN section. Your'll get good advice. And support for you too.

Hi OP, I was quite similar to your eldest when I was in comprehensive school. I didn’t have much confidence, wouldn’t have ever asked someone in a shop where I could find something, talking to someone I didn’t know was something I found very scary.

Ultimately what worked for me was getting my first job at 16, just working as a waitress at a local restaurant. My mum sat me down and asked me what kind of life I wanted for myself and asked me if I thought I could get that life without putting myself out there, of course the answer was no! She helped me apply for a few local jobs and for my first few shifts she dropped me off and picked me up, and although I was TERRIFIED at first it was amazing how quickly it built my confidence, within a year you couldn’t shut me up 😂 it took me having to stand on my own two feet independently even just having to interact with strangers in that work environment without my mum to lean on really did bring me out of my shell quickly.

I was the same with driving lessons, but again my mum encouraged me to do it and ultimately asked me, do you want this for your life or not?

My mum always says she wondered if she was doing the right thing, or if she should have coddled me more, but actually if she had never pushed me I would almost definitely have just stayed where I was comfortable leaning on her for support for everything.

She had to make me stand on my own two feet for me to grow into the adult I am now! X

You have not failed them at all, you said it yourself... they are lovely, funny, clever, kind kids. This is such a strong foundation and they are still very young.

They will find their way. School and college is a bloody miserable time of life when you don't fit into the mold and aren't as confident socially. Beyond school & college there is magic to be found and they've got a wonderful Mum on their team to help them to find it. They will find their people and their passions - it's just a tough time right now.

I have done things already, I've spoken to both their schools regularly to see if any support can be put into place to help with their anxiety. Tried to get a referral for DC1 for counseling but was told she wasn't had enough. Currently in the system waiting for an ASD assessment for DC1.

Its interesting so many people have suggested possible ASD for DC1 as well, as we'd not considered that. We can start the process for her as well but presume she won't be seen by CAMHS as she'll be an adult by the time we'd get into the system.

What would be the benefit day to day of a diagnosis? I can see how it would definitely help with support at school/college but would it help with getting work, general life, etc? Could we put things in place assuming they do both have ASD before they get a diagnosis? And what would they be? Sounds as though private counselling might be the best option, if they will go. Alongside trying to encourage them to do small things to develop some confidence.

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate people taking the time to post, I'll re-read it all again tomorrow and try to put plans in place for steps we can take to help. Appreciate people saying to take time for me too, I do find the constant worrying and trying to work out what to do exhausting. DH is much better than he was but he just says 'oh they'll be fine' but I think it's because he doesn't want to think about it.

Sorry I think I quoted the wrong post above.

Blimey, that last post was full of errors, I'm tired!

Tried to get a referral for DC1 for counseling but was told she wasn't bad enough. Currently in the system waiting for an ASD assessment for DC2