Why does my teenager hate me?

[Narwhalelife]

DD is very nearly 14 and honestly I think she hates me. Ok maybe not that deep but my mere existence is a huge pain in her ass. She is moody, rolls her eyes, does anything she can not to talk to me or DP, is rude, dismissive.

I am a mental health professional and she isn’t depressed or anything just miserable, unless she is out with friends or communicating with friends, I can hear her laughing her head off on group phone calls with her girlfriends etc

I take her out, run her about, have her friends here, let her stay at friends, give her money, pay for treats etc but it’s all really non plus.

I try really hard to give her time with me but she is completely uninterested. Managed to take her out for macdonalds yesterday and she barely spoke to me, took her to Alton Towers the other day same thing really.

she is my OC so I have no idea is this is normal teenager or something more?!

How long does this last and what can I do to ease the tension in the house?

Well if it helps, mine (13) hates me so much she upped sticks and moved to her Dads abroad. In fairness, I sent her there for a few weeks as her behaviour at home was awful. Just like yours, only my plan backfired and she opted to stay.

I don't have any helpful advice other than to quickly check - are you me? I could have posted this myself today, my dd, same age, is so hard to deal with. I'm also a mh professional and I really worry about her as she seems miserable at times, but then she isn't. Rationally I know she is probably all over the place emotions wise with hormones and brain development, but it comes out in such an awful way! It completely pushes my buttons.

I have two other children who don't react to me in this way, and I feel like we have always worked as parents to give the kids an emotional literacy, respect their experiences and genuinely try and connect with them to help and support. But this approach is completely missing the mark with my dd and I'm stuck!! She is absolutely awful to me, it's almost laughable!

Hoping some more seasoned parents of teens can come and give some advice for us both!

It is certainly not abnormal - and it will pass at some point. As a mh professional you know how important it is to emotionally seperate from your parents and that this transition is incredibly painful.
I have a number of kids, now adults and while they were all different, yes they all went of phases of being fairly consistently horrible, offensive, rude etc.
This changed after a couple of years.
I would try to not take it too personal, don't engage, don't enter into power games and try to survive.
Try to reframe it in your mind that she feels secure enough to act in this way to develop into a mature and responsible adult (eventually).

It's old but I would highly recommend the book 'Get Out of My Life...but First Take Me and Alex into Town'
It helped me cope with and understand DS when he was around 14. I think your DD sounds pretty normal, most of my friends describe the years between 13 and 15 as pretty challenging.

Mine is older. She’s been away for a week (that I’ve paid for) and left me waiting at the city centre train station for 2 hours before telling me she was running late on the way back from her holiday away - communication would have been nice.
I took her home and cooked her a lovely tea and then took her to go out with her mates and collected her.

Today she’s spent 5 hours on her phone - when I asked her very very nicely to take some flowers and put them on the parcel shelf in the car she said yes twice, eyes not moving from the phone - and when I asked if she could please do it then - she rolled her eyes at me and said ‘I know’ in a sarky tone. I asked her again to do as I asked and she said ok and then said ‘ask ask ask’ ‘nag nag nag’ and I saw red.

I tore her a new one in the car park. Took her phone. To which she replied it was hers - not until she gives me £30 a month for it, it’s not, to which she responded she was going to get a job - having sat on her bum for 6 weeks already and failing to apply for any - good luck with that sweetheart.

I’ve also told her I will cost up board and lodging for august and she can either earn money and pay for it or she can do the list of daily jobs I give her for free board and lodging.

to be fair she seems better as she’s current outside doing gardening and has cheered up a bit. Phone is gone though.

Thank you all so much for replying!

It’s a personality transplant honestly, we have always been close, she was honestly (and j would day this as I’m her mum) the happiest, sweetest child, good at school, helpful, kind etc, it’s like I dropped her off at school one day and pick up a different child.

she is even fed up with the dogs and snake we have always had dogs and the snake and she is a huge animal lover but now everything to do with them get on her nerves!

DD’s dad has her one night a week (always has) and if he can get out of that he would and yet I have still had comments like ‘it’s better at dads etc’ if I say no or something she will say ‘I’ll just live with dad’ - she said it the other night as I was picking her up from a friends house with a pizza in the car for her tea! and I couldn’t help but actually laugh out loud and say ‘good luck with that!’ Obviously that pissed her right off!!!

I feel your pain - I have 2 teens and a tween. 🙄(also, like you, a mental health professional)

I like this, see what you think:

http://gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you

My sons been mostly in his room or out the past four or five years. I see him maybe 5- 10 minutes a day

Sorry to hear you are going through the same but pleased too because I really was starting to think that I may have collected the wrong child from somewhere or woken up a terrible person one morning 😫

Like you I have always prioritised her mental health and carefully considered change and adaption and anything else to try and damage control any adverse childhood experiences 🥲 but blindly I need’nt have bothered - because apparently just saying ‘are you ok?, feeling tired?’ Is triggering enough 🙃

yes can relate my teen dd is exactly like this. so much so that I no longer enjoy her company at all and I love it when she's not around and is out with friends etc.As awful as it sounds im already counting down the days until she flies the nest and leaves home.

So glad I've found this post. Currently can't talk to my dd because I may say something that I'll regret. Absolutely fed up to the back teeth of being spoken to like something on the bottom of her shoe! Yesterdays argument was because I asked her how she was when I was picking her up from work. Apparently I speak to her like a baby, when all I daid want was "Are you ok?"
I know this is normal teenage behaviour & my friend warned me that they suck all the joy out of you.
Mine is 16, hopefully this stage will pass quickly.......or I'm leaving the country!

Mine is only 12 but I'm in the same boat already. She's been off school 2 weeks and it's been awful. She has refused to come to 2 pre paid activities wasting £40, ruined her sister's birthday, told me repeatedly how much she hates me, refused to leave her room when family visited, refused to eat food I've prepared etc etc. I've blocked her phone and even taken the router out instead of her but she doesn't change. I'm tired of being called an ugly fat cunt with damaged hair who should die. Awaiting input from a local scheme which can't come soon enough.

OP, in my experience 13-15 were the worst of it. She will come out the other side, you just have to endure.

This might help OP

It is absolutely normal teen behaviour. It's nature's way of breaking the close connection between a child and mother. It's heartbreaking but all teenagers do it.
After raising four DS, I took solace in knowing they behave this way as they are so confident in the love you have for them, they know they can treat you like crap and you will still love them unconditionally . You are doing a great job ...hang in there 😊

Mine were same
Bloody awful time

Someone at work said the only way to deal with teenagers is hands in your pockets and a zip on your mouth
My mum said they should be sent to do national service from 14-18
😁

They're out the other side now and - mostly - quite nice

Yeah your very presence annoys them.

Until one evening they suddenly want cuddles like when they were your sweet little girl/boy. (My 14 year old was the loveliest child!)

I think just don't take it personally- don't worry about it too much, don't try to get in their heads too much - and just be there in the loving moments when they remember how much they love and need you.

It passes (apparently).

Thank goodness I am not alone!

I have definitely read about natures way of forcing the bond but my goodness I didn’t realise Mother Nature could be so brutal with it!

Yeah they do that. 3 down one to go here.

Don't engage in the separated parent ping pong. Either she'll play you off against each other or she'll be really hurt that she's not wanted in one house.

There's a long running thread about difficult teens on here which has some really helpful tips and advice particularly for those coming out the other side.

They are horrible but also so fragile so pick your battles wisely.

I was like it at one stage. I vividly remember throwing a marble ashtray at my dad one morning when he stuck his head through the door to wake me up
It hit the wall and dented it, thankfully not him.

My 3 boys have passed through this age without being like it. DS2 had a stage of absolute rage over almost anything that was said to him but it passed.
DD is just 13 and seems ok so far.... but she is a mini me and I know at 15/16 I was absolutely vile so I am bracing for that

Was just going to post that!
To make you feel better, I have a 20 year old and when he came out the other side it was almost as abrupt! I was like, oh hello normal human being, you are quite nice aren't you. Had been starting to worry I'd spawned a psycho!

If you work in MH surely you know it's normal. You can't parent this stuff away.
She'll be over it in time.

I vividly remember being an ungrateful, antisocial shit at that age. It wasn’t my mum’s fault! I did grow out of it. I sometimes cringe at the flashbacks.