Why does my teenager hate me?

[Narwhalelife]

DD is very nearly 14 and honestly I think she hates me. Ok maybe not that deep but my mere existence is a huge pain in her ass. She is moody, rolls her eyes, does anything she can not to talk to me or DP, is rude, dismissive.

I am a mental health professional and she isn’t depressed or anything just miserable, unless she is out with friends or communicating with friends, I can hear her laughing her head off on group phone calls with her girlfriends etc

I take her out, run her about, have her friends here, let her stay at friends, give her money, pay for treats etc but it’s all really non plus.

I try really hard to give her time with me but she is completely uninterested. Managed to take her out for macdonalds yesterday and she barely spoke to me, took her to Alton Towers the other day same thing really.

she is my OC so I have no idea is this is normal teenager or something more?!

How long does this last and what can I do to ease the tension in the house?

Mine was dreadful, hated my very being and went to live with their father (EA) for about 15 months, cutting me off which was heartbreaking.

Came home after meeting me for dinner one evening, I had kept in touch, messages, letters, cards, presents - mostly ignored. Their appearance on meeting them was awful, looked unkempt and unloved.

Turned out that they had had a dreadful time but were too afraid to get in touch, no regular cash, clothes or life support from EA X. No support at all 🤯.

We are well out of the other side at 18.5 thank god. It was a really difficult few years.

My now 19 year old hated me. She turned a corner just before her 18th birthday and is now lovely again. Hang in there it passes

I know that the MN hive mind wants to pander to teens and treat them like small children but, IMO, the teens are a transition time and the extra privileges come with concomitant responsibilities.

She needs to be made to understand that you are a person too and she doesn’t get to treat you or look at you like a piece of shit that she has scraped off her shoe.

How does that translate into actions? Firstly, she has to do a decent amount of chores to earn her going out with friends money. Secondly, if she demands a lift or acts in a surly manner, she doesn’t get one. She uses public transport or cancels the arrangement. And, if you take her out somewhere nice and she makes it miserable for you, straight home and she gets to entertain herself (if she has been especially rude, without devices).

Don’t believe all the hormone stuff! Yes, everyone has to cope with hormones and moods, but it is amazing how they can manage these when they really care about it (in a job, with friends etc etc). Rude teenagers is a very cultural thing. It didn’t used to happen here (well, not nearly as much) and plenty of cultures still have respectful teenagers.

I actually think that they are also far happier with clear boundaries, so it is win win really.

@Newbutoldfather
Exactly as pp.
mine appreciated everything I did for them.
I never use ti drive them anywhere.
As adults and despite not driving they can get anywhere
At 16 ds, with a group went off to London for 5 days.
Dd went aboard without my involvement
They were / are both very loved and looked after, we had loads of fun in their childhood / teenage years.
I gave them space / helped them become independent, never pandered to them.
Respected them.

It's evolutionary.
If they'd stay as lovely (and continue showing their love for us), we'd never let them leave home

It’s an old one but it’s a good one - it’s a phase they’re going through and like all the ones before, it too will pass.

Hang in there @Narwhalelife your little girl has gone but at some point (around 18-20) you will have a grown up daughter who doesn’t think you’re the worst thing ever.

What I don't get is how if it's so normal, why its only my teenager who's vile to me and all my friends kids are generally much better?

She is coursing with hormones (and going through perimeno as I am, I can attest to the rage and intolerance that this brings!); and teens are designed to want to leave home, which means they have to have good reasons for doing so. It's horrible, but it's part of the process.

Having written what I wrote above, I agree with this too. It's a balancing act.

My 12 year old is like this. It doesn't matter how much I give him, cook for him, entertain him, buy him or allow him to do. He speaks to me as if I'm the stupidest, meanest person he's ever met. Sometimes it borders on pity, as I'm so hopelessly idiotic and embarrassing he actually feels sorry for my pathetic existence.

I try to keep upbeat and smiley but now and then I just go fucking mental at him. I mean I wouldn't tolerate anyone else gaslighting and verbally abusing me so why take it from him?

He's a joy with everyone else. When he's with his friends they never stop bantering and laughing. I'm considered hilarious by all who know me but he refuses to crack a smile, ever, at anything I do or say.

He's an only child and this is so bloody hard. Especially when I see other kids on fb etc engaging happily in family time, holidays, activities. How did those parents do it? I have three nephews who perform in a fucking folk band with big smiles on their faces. Aaargh.

My 15 year old dd was same this time last year but she has come through the other side somewhat now. We still have our moments but generally better and I feel closer with her again now. Also an only and I also work in MH!

Easier said than done but extreme patience is key, choose battles and bite your tongue. I do tell her if she is very rude though or I say ‘that hurt my feelings dd’. She will usually apologise and I always apologise to her when my behaviour has been lacking too. She needs you desperately but is pushing away at the moment.

Her brain is reconfiguring and biologicially she is meant to be separating from her parents. I think the way our culture makes teens so dependent on their parents is quite unnatural. In another age teens would have been off working or married. Not saying that's better as such, but it would be more in line with their biological urge for independance and separation.

Agree patience and choose your battles. Model the behaviour you want to see. All teens are like this to some extent but if it’s constantly for a long period of time then maybe readjust your parenting. I’ve heard some parents speak to their kids just like the behaviour you wouldn’t want from the teenager! There isn’t a magic formula whereby if you do x your child will be like y. All kids and families are different

One of mine at 12/13 suddenly just spent all her time on her room and didn't much want to know us.10 years on it's not that different though we no longer need to worry about what trouble she'll get in at school!

The other hit 15 just after the pandemic started and has steadily got more teenish with every birthday since. Interspersed with times where she seems like her old self. Definitely a 'Jekyll and Hyde' situation.

I could have written this post a few months ago after it going on a year or more. The fights the ignoring the rudeness, etc, just never pleasant or grateful only drama and snarky replys. I have never dreaded going on holidays than I had this year. BUT something happened and I have no idea what, it's as if we have turned the corner and you can tell the air of tension has left the house. I'm no help in I don't know what changed but I'm offering hope that it hopefully won't be like this for ever for you. It's by no means perfect now but it's easier and we can actually have a conversation

Kids pretty much always behave perfectly around friends and family and save the worst for home when no one else sees them, that’s just how it is.

I have had so many parents in my working life say this to me and are generally baffled, hurt and upset by their teens’ behaviour. The teens in general outside the home are pleasant human beings.

It doesn’t help but they feel safe behaving like this in the main because they know the bonds cannot be broken/ unconditional love. I do advocate though explaining to the grumpy hormonal three quarter adults that extra treats/ money etc.. do come with the condition of basic civility which includes a thank you.

My closest pal who also works with teens, her daughter turned from a reasonable and very pleasant person into a gremlin who had been fed after midnight and this lasted for three very long years. She is now 22 and a lovely human being who WhatsApp’s me about living in London, and who displays respect and affection for her parents.

It’s a hugely harsh time for parents, especially when not receiving basic civility and doing everything to accommodate their needs, wants and space, but it does show the attachment to your children is very secure. Hold onto basic requirements like a thank you and look forward to the time when they start chatting with you again.

My 12.5 yo DD also OC also hates me. But I had benefit of step kids and though they MADE ME SUFFER FOR 8 YEARS of their consecutive teens I now see they have actually emerged as relatively sensible 17yo and 21yo. This gave me a tiny bit of insight and hope.

Now it's here with her and she hates me. It is really upsetting and it can ruin my day/week/month. But every now and again I think back to my teens. I thought I was a good little girl, but now I remember that my MUM WAS AN IDIOT. And I was horrible. If she said it, it was sickeningly dumb and patronising - If someone else said the same thing depending on who they were I received it differently. For example Had Damon Albarn jumped out of the poster and told me to eat sensibly and maybe make a new friend or join a club I probably would have thought it was a really cool idea.

And now seeing both sides, mums and mine, I think the bottom line is: they feel like shit, hormonal, insecure, not good enough, body shamed, not cool enough, and it's scary because we are. Mothering them as though they are the child of before and they don't know that we have self awareness and can change things for them or ammend our behaviour around the new them, we are written off. But also we are safe. They can in the safely of our presence get out all their rage and sadness and emotions and we will still love them and they will secretly like that.

And one day, when we are all wiser and older we'll be sitting having a cuppa and someone will say "remember the time you threw a kareoke machine at dads head and called him a midget cunt and told mum she was a fucking loser psycho?!" And we'll all fondly chuckle. Or we'll remember the day we found out she'd been self harming and go "yeah, that was tough. That was scary. But we got through it in the end didn't we"....

I hope

@megletthesecond don't you also kind of think that you never quite believe it will happen to you though? I was in denial, I'd say I knew it was coming and laughingly dread it....but now it's here I kind of think maybe I secretly hoped our bond was different and would override it.

And being a mental health professional could mean lots of things professionally couldn't it? There's loads of specialisms.

And also I kind of think there's academic knowing and knowing in your heart. I know doing exercise will release endorphins and make me fit and strong. I still don't quite embrace that fact sometimes.

And if you have the knowledge and the text book definitions it can still take a minute to find the right way to frame it. What is "testing out different ways of independence" may also look like a suicide mission or a total idiot winning the Darwin awards to a parent....

I just theorising with you. I don't know anything really for certain anymore...

I kind of get your angle but it's a bit black and white. I just think everything can look like shades of grey.

@Newbutoldfather I hear you. You had me at the constructive boundaries and consequences bit. I totally want more of these brilliant clear actions and I'm your biggest fan cus that's so helpful

Buuuuuuuttt I think hormones might actually be a thing too. Different people react different to same hormones, there are lots of different types of hormones too that in different combos achieve different kinds of things, and also hormonal fluctuations can interact with other things e.g neurodiversity, trauma, lifestyle, family dynamics.... I not a doctor don't shoot me! But my friend is a menopause specialist and it blows my mind when she tells me the science of it. And o can kind of relate because if I think about my outlook it can change dramatically at diff stages of my menstrual cycle like even something small like the glass that was half full is now half empty. Or I go from believing in humanity to deciding all other drivers are idiots.....

This makes me wonder how teenagers behaved when my mother was one. She and her siblings left school at 14 and had to go to work. Has something mysteriously changed with puberty between the 1930s and now?

I think people also tolerate a great deal from their kids and this is a mistake. If someone is rude to you for no reason, why would you then buy them an expensive item? You don't have to get into a row or cut off the wifi etc, but you also don't have to ignore shit behaviour just because they are a teen. This kind of no consequences approach leads to situations where the teens treat you badly because they know they can. Being a bit moody, not wanting to go out or on holiday with parents, preferring to be with friends are all normal and acceptable. Swearing at and belittling others is not OK and shouldn't be accepted as such. I work with teens and can tell you that if you accept unpleasant, rude behaviour, they will do it more and more. I have also sat in meetings where I have been astonished how rude the teens are to their parents and how accepting the parents are of this treatment, in some cases they even make excuses. 'Oh he's really tired as he didn't sleep well'.

@pinkgown yeah! I know what you mean. It didn't seem to be a thing but then was it? They maybe just went to work sooner or had babies sooner and what looked like a cultural choice of the time could also be a teenager making bad choices?

But yeah "kids today" are soooo rude too. It's like they think they are living inside a tiktok and have license to be provocative and outrageous to provoke a reaction that they can mock older people with. Little shits.

And they do have unrealistic influences and expectations now. When my DD says she wants to be an influencer on YouTube I have to bite my tongue and not shout "get a real job! Don't think this means you don't need your GCSE's!!" For fear of just making her entrench and ignore me...

Does no one remember being a teenager themselves?

I didn’t want to hang out with parents and would have back chatted back BUT this was back in the 1970’s parents were often a lot tougher. They are total arseholes because they have no fear. My Mother would have hit me, I’m not advocating that at all but now in our new world where kids are raised to have rights and a say they do what they like. Plus copying off of SM is a huge issue.

That's a lovely post.