At my wits end with son 16

[Izzycharlieollie]

I really am at my wits end with my son who is 16. He is the middle child with an older brother of 18 and a sister of 14.
I love him so much but at the moment he is driving me around the bend! He sleeps all day and is up all night, he goes out and smokes weed with his friends and occasionally drinks, not loads but when he does he gets paralytic. . . Steals alcohol from me and my partner.

He has no respect at all, he slams around the house and shouts when he's not getting his own way and talks to me like I'm a piece of shit. And I've had enough.

Me and my partner work full time and he does absolutely nothing to help out around the house, he Will begrudgingly empty the dishwasher but leave all the dirty stuff on the side or only put in stuff he's used.

One house rule we have is no eating upstairs, he blatantly ignores this and we end up with nearly all the plates, cups and glasses in his room with rotting food on them. And his room is absolute pit, it stinks!

My partner is not his dad, I've been with him 2.5 years and we bought this house together last year and he has really has had enough now and keeps saying if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will be kicking him out. I defend my son till I'm blue in the face but I've really had enough now and I've told my son if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will have to find somewhere else to live, which I really don't want because he's my baby and I don't want that for him, but I don't know how much more I can take.
It's causing a lot of arguments between me and my partner and it's causing me a lot of stress . . . I'm also 10 weeks pregnant with horrific morning sickness.

He's just done his GCSE's which he no revision for, has been accepted to do an apprenticeship in September but hasn't sent of his cv to find employment for it and is basically sleeping his life away.

I've been telling him he needs a part time job so he has some of his own money, but again hasn't bothered with that, even though his older brother has offered to help him.

Just to add, my sons dad, my husband passed away 4 years ago, he took his own life and all 3 children saw him so there's a lot of trauma and grief going on there too, but my son want accept any help on that front. He's always been a difficult child even before what happened happened but he seems to be worse now.

I'm so worried about what's going to happen to him and I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone any advice?

Get him help for the grief. GP/doctor/relative that he trusts to speak to.

Tell your "partner" of 2.5 years to fuck off. Way way way too early to be buying houses and moving in when you have three children.

Sounds like he is crying out for help and you need to focus on the children you have. Would he speak to your eldest? He needs help urgently.

I think that your focus needs to be on your son and looking after yourself. I have a 16 year old as well. He can be a nightmare but really he is still a child. i think you need to let him know that he comes first and that you love him as he may feel pushed out as you have a new partner and a new baby on the way. I would never ever make my 16 year old leave home. He is still a baby - set firm boundaries and help him to find a way to motivate himself to build a happy and healthy life. Show him that if he got up earlier, exercised, ate healthily and had some healthy goals then he would be much happier. I feel your pain - teenagers are hugely, hugely challenging.

I have to agree that I feel sorry for your DS, he was 12 when his Dad killed himself and he's acting like a pretty normal teenager but your new partner wants him thrown out. Obviously the getting horrendously drunk and stealing is out of order but he's been through so much it could be a grief reaction.

Poor kid.

Kick the partner out instead and get your kids the support they need to get over the trauma of their dad's death.

Losing a parent is hard at any time and under any circumstances but a parent dying by suicide must be incredibly hard for a child of 12 to deal with.

It sounds as if your son may be self medicating for his trauma and grief. Cannabis is not good because it can cause mental health problems.

Don’t give up with him, your little boy is in there, just a little lost. Try and get some counselling for him, he will kick up but try, and just be there for him

i went through something very similar with my son at the same age, fast forward 10 years and I have a son I’m so proud of, got a good job, wife and lovely children. I really thought he was a lost cause, how wrong I was

OP please look into Adverse Childhood Experiences and the impact of them.
I would then sit down on your own with him without any mention of what he is doing ‘wrong’ or being at your wits end. Make the conversation all about him and what you can do to help him.
He has suffered grave trauma he needs help to overcome it. Your other children too.
I wish you all well.

I don't think your partner is being fair on your son. Your son's brain is still developing, he's not able to judge risk well yet, he will be more impulsive. Many teenagers are lets face it complete dickheads at this age anyway. Then add in grief, which he is bottling up whether he realises that or not. And then a new partner taking your time and love, and who it sounds like tells him what to do. On paper it's not that surprising that you are where you are. In my opinion your son needs some safe walls around him to allow him to develop, to make mistakes, to grow up. Some of that might be challenging him on behaviours, sure, but I don't think that is your partners place to do that. At best he could become a confidant for your son. But he's not a parent. He will need to learn to keep his mouth shut and walk away, even where he doesn't like what he's seeing.

OP, as a fellow widow, 4 years is really not a long time. He lost his dad, experienced the trauma of SEEING something a child should never see, and all at a time that is so up and down and filled with hormones and change.

Now he's had to get used to not only you seeing someone else but living with him too.

Your partner doesn't sound very understanding of this. And to be honest, with all the love in the world, neither do you since you mentioned it so late in your post.

He needs love and understanding as well as boundaries. Do you get much time to spend together just you two?

A huge amount boys go through a very difficult stage at that age. This is without the awful trauma that your poor dc have endured.

Seems that you have moved on, moved them in with someone else and are now having another baby in a very short space of time.

I am not surprised you are having problems, tbf. The fact that you let your dp, and back him up, with the pushing your son out, must break your ds son even more.

Of course I would never ever throw him out, because it would send him down a road that would basically ruin his life. I'm just frustrated at his lack of respect for me and the house and his ambition, I'm absolutely terrified of his future.

What frustrates me the most is that he has so much potential and I feel like he's wasting it.
Even his brother is at his wits end with him he tries to help him all the time but he just gets it thrown back in is face and they argue . . . My eldest has tried to be someone that is there for him but DS2 just thinks he's trying to boss him around which isn't the case at all.
When he's in a good mood he's lovely, but at the moment he's an absolute horror and I do think it's down to the weed smoking making him extremely irritable.
For instance he's like a bear with a sore head today because he was up till 6am and we live on a building site and it's pretty noisy today because they're Jack hammering to sort the road, I pointed out to him actually if he slept at night instead of the day it wouldn't be a problem.

I've tried numerous times to get them all grief support for what happened and the school have been brilliant trying to get them help but both my boys aren't ready and I've spoken at length about this with professionals as my daughter in the last few months has agreed to getting some help and they say that unless they are willing to engage in it there's no point because they aren't ready to talk about it.

My original post came after a heated argument with him and I was pretty riled up as he'd been shouting and swearing at me. He can actually be quite scary as he towers over me.

My children will always come before my partner no matter what, as unreasonable as my partner sounds I do get his side of things as he's frustrated at the situation.

All I want is my kids to be happy and have a good life and I'm just watching ds2 slowly messing up his

Can I also add that all 3 kids really like my partner and before moving I asked all their opinions about it and all 3 were keen to move forward.

I remember my brother being like this. He emerged at age 23 suddenly like a reasonable human. You may have to find ways to weather it and wait it out.

Don’t give him any money (which I assume he needs for buying weed) and don’t have any alcohol in the house. If you are pregnant you can’t drink it. If your partner or eldest want alcohol they can go down the pub.
What do you mean about the apprenticeship? How can he be accepted on one without a placement? What’s it’s in - could he get a summer job or volunteer work in whatever it is to get some experience. An apprenticeship should be something he wants to do and have an interest in so he should be wanting to get ahead.
Is the apprenticeship really what he wants? It could be he currently is terrified of his future and the path he is on.

@Needmorelego

I won't give him money for this very reason, he wants money for a holiday next year with his mates and his big bro and I've said any money he gets for his birthday in September or Xmas I will look after to pay for his holiday and spending money. I've also told him if he gets a job I will take "board" but I'm going to put it away for his holiday cause I know he'll spend it, i do this with ds1 he gives me a bit out of his wage and he has no idea I'm putting it away for him.

No alcohol in the house anymore, my partner only has a couple of beers at the weekend but at the moment he's trying to lose weight so isn't drinking.

So for his apprenticeship they find him a placement so he has to email a cv in, he had an interview a couple of weeks ago and was accepted it's bricklaying which would be perfect for him as he's always loved building things and using his hands.

To be honest I don't think he knows what he wants to do, he applied for the army then wouldn't do the interview despite being so motivated for it and he's also been accepted to do a b-tec at college in public services but he's not very keen on that now.

We have tried to encourage him to apply for a part time job but he's just so lazy! His brother works in a restaurant and they needed a kitchen porter and he asked ds2 but he just couldn't be bothered. He wants money off me but isn't prepared to earn it by doing anything around the house.

I too think he's worried about the future, he will say to me "I'm a waste of space" which is really heartbreaking because he's really not, he's a bright boy and when he puts his mind to it he can do anything, just doesn't believe in himself even though we encourage him.

Could you sign him up for the NCS scheme (National Citizen Service) to do this summer. Meet different people, have different experiences, gain some confidence.
It sounds like he needs some confidence. It’s hard being 16.
Good luck with him 💐

@Needmorelego
I haven't heard of this, I will Google it now and suggest it to him.

Thank you

Where is he getting his money from? My first thought is stop his pocket money. Give him chores to do to earn a little around the house but suggest he gets a little part time summer job if he wants more money.

Will he get a wage when he starts his apprenticeship? I'd then be inclined to charge a small amount rent - maybe just 10% to allow him to realise that family is about all working together.

Keep suggesting the grief counselling but that needs to be when he decides it's time.

Honestly, considering all he has been through, his behaviour doesn't sound that bad. Yy you'd like him to get a job but he has an apprenticeship lined up. Alongside puberty and a global pandemic, he's coping with losing his DF, you getting a new partner, moving house, new partner moving in, new sibling on the way. That's a lot of life stressors in a short period of time.

You need to deal with your partner. His attitude is completely unacceptable. You don't threaten to throw out a traumatised teen. That attitude will also be impacting your DS.

The weed is an issue. It can cause paranoia and exacerbate, and cause, MH problems. Is there an older adult in the extended family that he respects and would listen to concerning the drug and alcohol?

Tbh he needs a lot of support and stability just now. Being threatened with being thrown out by a new man in the house, is not the way to fix this.

It sounds like your new partner has got you pregnant, and now wants your middle child out of the house and to replace him with his baby.

Think about this.

Only 18 months after your DH took his own life you bought a house with another man. You went too quickly for your son and he's showing you this. You might have to end up choosing between your partner and your middle son. Which one couldn't you live without? If you lost one of them which would feel like your heart ❤️ had been ripped out.

Your middle son doesn't feel able to talk to you about how he really feels. That's very sad.

I'd choose my children every single time.

Im sorry to say this but I feel very sorry for your son and other kids. They had to witness their dad take his own life and then less then 2 years on you’ve got a new partner and now pregnant to him.
Did you have any trauma counselling yourself for the loss of your husband?
Your sons behaviour is unacceptable but there is more then enough reason for it.
What is your partner like around the house? I find it would take a certain type of person to move so quickly with a widow who has 3 adult kids too. Just a very sad situation all round.

Yikes! His dad died and 18 months later you were moving him and his siblings in with another man and now you're pregnant? You're entitled to get on with your life but this is all way too fast. My dad died when I was 12 and if my mum had done this my head would have been spinning!

And where exactly would your 16 year old son go if you kicked him out. I know you say your kids were onboard with your new life and relationship, but really what choice did they have and as (traumatised) teenagers did they fully understand what it all meant in real terms. Of course your new partner wants your son out, it's not his child is it and he's only been on the scene for 2.5 years. Your son comes first, he is hurt and confused and a 16 year old.

Got yourself a right prince with your new fella there haven’t you op? It’s easy to say you’ll put your kids first but moving in with this bloke after 18 months is way too fast when you have traumatised kids. Putting the decision on them to move in was incredibly unfair of you - how are they supposed to know what it would be like in reality, they’re children with no experience. Of course they’ll probably say yes, they want to see their mum happy but it doesn’t mean the reality of it is working for them.

Where is your son getting the money to buy weed?

Also, your DS18 shouldn't have to take on a "fatherly" role in the way you are describing. He needs to be able to be young and free of responsibilities.

The responsibility for DS16 is 100% yours. I know you'll say he is 100% your responsibilities, but you speak of your older son like he takes some degree of responsibility.

I think you need to overhaul and reassess your priorities.

‘I’m a waste of space’💔

He sounds totally lost. Would you be less concerned if your DP wasn’t there? If there was no one going on about mess etc?

Teens are hard. He doesn’t sound bad. Most teens sleep all day. And a lot party all night. It’s the holidays. What’s wrong with that?

I’d go into his room once a week and do it with him. He sounds overwhelmed.

His dad committed suicide, he was moved in with someone he hardly knew 18 months later ( even though he said he wanted to, most children want to please their parents) So he was 13 or 14? Then the only parent left gets pregnant, so he will se it a losing his mum too. No wonder he smokes weed to escape.

Step back, love him, kick the partner out. My dd is just 17 and struggling in lots of ways that can be perceived as lazy. She’s very vulnerable. Your DS is vulnerable. If anyone suggested kicking her out, he’d be out of the door so fast he wouldn’t know what had hit him. Kick him out not your struggling ds.