At my wits end with son 16

[Izzycharlieollie]

I really am at my wits end with my son who is 16. He is the middle child with an older brother of 18 and a sister of 14.
I love him so much but at the moment he is driving me around the bend! He sleeps all day and is up all night, he goes out and smokes weed with his friends and occasionally drinks, not loads but when he does he gets paralytic. . . Steals alcohol from me and my partner.

He has no respect at all, he slams around the house and shouts when he's not getting his own way and talks to me like I'm a piece of shit. And I've had enough.

Me and my partner work full time and he does absolutely nothing to help out around the house, he Will begrudgingly empty the dishwasher but leave all the dirty stuff on the side or only put in stuff he's used.

One house rule we have is no eating upstairs, he blatantly ignores this and we end up with nearly all the plates, cups and glasses in his room with rotting food on them. And his room is absolute pit, it stinks!

My partner is not his dad, I've been with him 2.5 years and we bought this house together last year and he has really has had enough now and keeps saying if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will be kicking him out. I defend my son till I'm blue in the face but I've really had enough now and I've told my son if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will have to find somewhere else to live, which I really don't want because he's my baby and I don't want that for him, but I don't know how much more I can take.
It's causing a lot of arguments between me and my partner and it's causing me a lot of stress . . . I'm also 10 weeks pregnant with horrific morning sickness.

He's just done his GCSE's which he no revision for, has been accepted to do an apprenticeship in September but hasn't sent of his cv to find employment for it and is basically sleeping his life away.

I've been telling him he needs a part time job so he has some of his own money, but again hasn't bothered with that, even though his older brother has offered to help him.

Just to add, my sons dad, my husband passed away 4 years ago, he took his own life and all 3 children saw him so there's a lot of trauma and grief going on there too, but my son want accept any help on that front. He's always been a difficult child even before what happened happened but he seems to be worse now.

I'm so worried about what's going to happen to him and I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone any advice?

I think you've posted about this before. It's a pretty memorable story.

Bloody hell

They've not been given much time to grieve before you jumped straight into a relationship, bought a house and are now having another baby with a man who is now telling them off in their safe place.

You've basically invited a stranger into your home who can control them.

There is a lot to unpick here

This is all on you OP

You need to give them a lot of love and patience to fix this

They are children and need unconditional love and support

We have tried to encourage him to apply for a part time job but he's just so lazy! His brother works in a restaurant and they needed a kitchen porter and he asked ds2 but he just couldn't be bothered

Lazy or unmotivated? Depression often shows up as lack of motivation in young men.

It’s up to you to help him.

The issue is your DP in their home

What were you thinking

Who on earth has decided he needs a job and that he's being lazy

You or the DP who is threatening to throw him out

My ds at 16 slept all day and was awake all night. His room was a pigsty. I just shut the door on it.

l figured he needed let his hair down after his GCSE’s.

Your son may well have PTSD from what happened - you need to look at this differently

My father died when I was 13 in a very traumatic way and I witnessed it. I was a nightmare teen. Just could not communicate my trauma and grief. Couldn’t even begin to think about it or talk about it. As an adult I can’t remember that day, no matter how much I try. Really OP, he needs time, patience and lots of love. Don’t get angry or let your partner inflict his anger on him. He will come through this with love

My Ds was a nightmare during GCSE’s . I feel like he had an emotional breakdown. It comes out in teens in many different ways - One thing I realised at this point the man he would have looked at for guidance was no longer an option because of bereavement. I do feel my Ds grieved appropriately but that hole was there no one. Could fill it .
His dad is absent . They lack the emotional ability to cope with it .

The threat to chuck him out is a pointless one - you have pr till 18 , you say you aren’t going to do it and it just reinforces he doesn’t belong .

i would lay of the future stuff till results day . If he hasn’t revised he will know he isn’t going to have all the options .

My approach has been basic rules agreed together . I relented on the food - it is no hot food upstairs , I have been trying to cook foods he will eat but made from scratch etc .. better quality food .
try to come into his world .

I also would start the factors of if he wants be treated like an adult he needs to speak with respect.

we had a family support worker for a while through early help - you can self refer . I have to say she wanted to draw up a contract between each of us . Although in my case she was pretty useless the idea you draw up a contract may be useful .

i imagine he feels pretty worthless - his dad didn’t think he was worth staying around for ( I realise much more complex than this - just trying to put it in an egocentric teenage mind ) he knows he has screwed up his exams - so feels worthless - which we hope will give them a golt - however it doesn’t seem to work that way - his dad is been replaced and he has a sibling on the way . He needs to feel
important but still called out on unacceptable behaviour . I demand plates / cups are bought down . Put a bin in his room . Only wash what is in the wash basket . I would clear it out if it’s so bad and tell him you expect him to keep on top of it . It really is a matter of giving more than he deserves right now

Tell your "partner" of 2.5 years to fuck off. Way way way too early to be buying houses and moving in when you have three children

I so agree with this as feel angry on behalf of your son. I can't believe you have thrown so much change at him at a very critical time developmental. You mention he has been "difficult" which suggests you two don't have the firm foundation as you don't get him.

Time now to put him first and get yourself some professional parenting input. This situation could spiral downhill even more as you don't have the skills (or relationship) to help him.

I think you might be the issue here.

My children will always come before my partner no matter what

I'm sorry, op, but that is just simply not true. If it were, you wouldn't be where you are now. You really wouldn't because it's all way too much, way too soon. Your childrens' father killed himself just four years ago, and you've already been with your new partner for 2.5 years, you're living with him, and you're pregnant.

I'm amazed that all of your kids aren't off the rails, honestly, and it's very alarming that you don't even see the problem with all of this. Your son needs help, not being kicked out of your home.

My son went a bit off the rails like this at approximately the same age and after exH left. It was a very tough year or so but I found that the more I backed off, the better things were. It was very hard but what he needed was stability so I decided that I would just do that, be stable for him. I stopped going into his bedroom, stopped ‘nagging’, stopped worrying about the smoking, drinking and weed. He gradually came out of it when he got his first job. Three years on now and he tidies his room, still smokes but not weed, drinks but sensibly. Doesn’t give me reason to worry as much now. A year ago, he apologised to me for his behaviour back then.

At the time, some friends were advising me to come down hard and that they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour. I realised that they were the ones who were estranged from their own dc. This approach doesn’t work if you value the relationship with your child.

Prioritise your boy over your partner. I couldn’t live with someone who was getting involved with my dc that way, tbh. He doesn’t sound kind. You and your dc have been through a lot.

Youth is a storm that eventually blows itself out. He’ll emerge from this eventually. Just love him.

Also, kick him out to where exactly? He’s 16. Where’s he going to live? I’d have kicked my partner out at the very suggestion of kicking my darling children out.

We used to have a crockery amnesty twice a week. Ds woukd produce them on the proviso l didn’t go mad.

Worked a treat.

I think the first thing you need to do is to tell your partner of 2.5 years that you will break up with him if he ever suggests kicking one of your children out.

Then I would try and get to the bottom of why he is behaving poorly and go from there.

I’m confused

You say in first post that you’ve told him he needs to find somewhere else to live
(when detailing that your partner of 2.5 years wants him out)

In next post you say of course you would never kick him out

One of these statements isn’t true? Which is it?

Given the fact that you’ve shacked up with new partner and expecting a new baby, and have seemingly told your son ( who only a few years ago saw his father commit suicide), it seems clear how this is going to pan out for your son 😞

There was another thread yesterday with a woman inflicting her partner on her toddler, though the ‘partner’ repeatedly said he wanted just her and not her son. She was living with him too.

These poor kids having no safe home away from these ‘partners’ who want them gone.

What is it with these mothers that do this to their children?

Bloody hell op. As someone who lost their dad to suicide as an older teen, I still can’t comprehend what your poor kids are going through, being so young when it happened and also witnessing it. That’s huge trauma and probably ptsd. He needs so much support. Im baffled as to why you moved in with your partner so soon after but then again my mum did the same and we never really got over it. Why on earth did you and partner think it was a great idea to move in together and have a new baby in the midst of all this?? It doesn’t matter if your kids okayed it- they’re kids. They don’t always know what’s best for them.

he needs so much support op, he’s mega vulnerable. My younger brother overdosed twice after my dads death- he just couldn’t process it all. He’s much better now as an adult but needed so so much support as a teen. I can’t believe you’re even considering chucking him out. Your partner needs to fuck right off.

Your poor kids. Horrific trauma beyond comprehension, brutal, brain changing ACEs and then being made to live with some shitty bloke while their mum starts a new family. I didn’t have quite as an appalling childhood that your kids have had and I was far, far worse than your poor child.

Things might get much worse once you give birth

Your DP might become more controlling and manipulative

Your DC will all continue to stand by whilst you let this man control you all

I feel so very sad, as we all do for you DC

Those poor kids and what you're putting them through emotionally

The only positive thing is that if you do split up with this DP then he'll have to leave and you will have the house till your new baby is 18

That's the only positive thing here

Your older DC can of course stay to help you out and pay towards bills etc

I'd do this because you're being played

When your DP is out of the house sit down with your DC, shut up, and listen to them

Listen to how they feel about their lives, what you've done to them and just keep listening without arguing back

Work out a way that suits you all to move forward

Accept you've been selfish

Try to explain why because of course you're grieving but you have still very very selfishly put yourself and this dreadful mans needs ahead of your DC needs.

That’s not in any way correct, @HappiDaze they bought the house together (the mind boggles), boyfriend +girlfriend have zero rights. One would have to buy the other out, or sell the house. I highly doubt OP will bother doing either. This thread is honestly sickening me, thinking of those kids and the horrors they’ve had inflicted on them, knowing personally how it destroys a person for life, and no one is stepping up for them.

The way you wrote your first post suggests to me you need to take a step back and regain some perspective.

The bit that starts “Just to add”
seems like the most important part - as well as the fact that you’re having a baby with your new partner - everything flows from there and things like smelly plates in his room is are insignificant detail.

Start again, centre your focus on your son - and yourself, you’ve been going through, and are still going through, some momentous upheavals - and then what’s rippling out from that will hopefully resolve.

You’ve a lot on your plate, wishing you well OP. 💐

Oh god you're right sorry they're not married

What fresh hell