At my wits end with son 16

[Izzycharlieollie]

I really am at my wits end with my son who is 16. He is the middle child with an older brother of 18 and a sister of 14.
I love him so much but at the moment he is driving me around the bend! He sleeps all day and is up all night, he goes out and smokes weed with his friends and occasionally drinks, not loads but when he does he gets paralytic. . . Steals alcohol from me and my partner.

He has no respect at all, he slams around the house and shouts when he's not getting his own way and talks to me like I'm a piece of shit. And I've had enough.

Me and my partner work full time and he does absolutely nothing to help out around the house, he Will begrudgingly empty the dishwasher but leave all the dirty stuff on the side or only put in stuff he's used.

One house rule we have is no eating upstairs, he blatantly ignores this and we end up with nearly all the plates, cups and glasses in his room with rotting food on them. And his room is absolute pit, it stinks!

My partner is not his dad, I've been with him 2.5 years and we bought this house together last year and he has really has had enough now and keeps saying if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will be kicking him out. I defend my son till I'm blue in the face but I've really had enough now and I've told my son if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will have to find somewhere else to live, which I really don't want because he's my baby and I don't want that for him, but I don't know how much more I can take.
It's causing a lot of arguments between me and my partner and it's causing me a lot of stress . . . I'm also 10 weeks pregnant with horrific morning sickness.

He's just done his GCSE's which he no revision for, has been accepted to do an apprenticeship in September but hasn't sent of his cv to find employment for it and is basically sleeping his life away.

I've been telling him he needs a part time job so he has some of his own money, but again hasn't bothered with that, even though his older brother has offered to help him.

Just to add, my sons dad, my husband passed away 4 years ago, he took his own life and all 3 children saw him so there's a lot of trauma and grief going on there too, but my son want accept any help on that front. He's always been a difficult child even before what happened happened but he seems to be worse now.

I'm so worried about what's going to happen to him and I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone any advice?

As far his apprenticeships concerned you need to help him get that cv sent off.
I know as his age he should be capable but he's been through a lot and it sounds like he needs a strong adult taking charge right now.

He is still a child despite the bravado and he's not coping too well either. He needs your love and support and not to be told to "buck his ideas up" as he doesn't know how to. Imagine how lost he must feel at being told he might need to fend for himself some time soon?

He's at a point of massive change in his life - going into the adult world of work, having to decide what his future life might look like. Its daunting for him. Plus many many teens around this age act in this way - it's not that abnormal, but he has an overlay of extreme trauma in the loss of his father.

Get your partner to step back or do some research on mental health issues in teens. And work out how to support your son.

Sorry to read the sneering judgments here.

Don’t take them on board.

I assume you needed to vent and a 16 year old can be extremely difficult to deal with.

A friend of mine was saved from a beating by her partner when her drug addled teenager tried to beat her purse out of her.

Get as much advice as you can from services and try and weather the storm.

Also look for support for yourself and partner from the addiction family support service.

I doubt your partner wants your son kicked out. He knew he was taking a family on.

People do say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment so it’s up to you to judge yourself and your situation - not a load of randomers on the Internet

Best wishes - don’t let strangers get you down. It will get better and you can only do your best.

OP absolutely should take on board advice on getting urgent, solid help for these horrifically traumatised kids, they’ve been out through horrors my mind cannot even comprehend. The remaining parents sole focus should be on extensive, long lasting, trauma centred therapy for these kids. How to parent traumatised kids, the lasting damage trauma has on developing brains and bodies and how to help them even begin to cope with that.

Poor kid.

It's a bit late now but why on Earth did you move in with another man so quickly? He's had no time to process his grief and now has to accept a new man in the house as well as his mum being pregnant.

16 is such a vulnerable age.

I would tell the partner to back right off and try and find ways to connect with your Ds that doesn't involve you having a go at him.