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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15yr old and choking

100 replies

Lostfraggle · 12/07/2023 12:38

So, I just read my DD's diary (yes, I know I know) and she has written all about her first snog (with tongues!) with a boy at his house (we drove her there at the weekend because he lives in the next town). Ok, fine, she's just turned 15, snogs happen. But then talks about how he choked her and it was so good as she went dizzy and it was really hot (ie sexy), and she thought she "did ok" (with the snogging) but maybe she should be more "dom" next time. She previously mentioned talking about choking with him, which apparently "turned him on".

He was also clearly trying to woo her previously but has just ended up apparently dating one of her friends, so she's also helping him cheat.

Then they were taking about how he wants to "fuck" but she wasn't sure, maybe next time she writes.

Help - how do I handle this? Is this because of ubiquitous porn? How do I talk to her that choking (when you are only just 15!) is not safe, and tbh inappropriate when you are only just exploring sex /sexuality?! Plus she's under the age of consent (for sex anyway), plus the very poor moral judgement of cheating.

We've got the "safe search" controls on her phone, so this must be from other friends' phones or just generally taking to each other.

I don't really want her to know I've found out about this through her diary, but on the other hand there's no way I'd know about it otherwise. And she has straight out denied previously that they are dating.

She has appeared so innocent up to this point, I'm a bit out of my depth....

OP posts:
eggsbenedict23 · 12/07/2023 13:22

From previous stuff I've read here. The whole reading the diary is a big no no a violation of trust.

Like I read some posters still deeply resent their mothers for reading their diaries.

Original poster
Lostfraggle · 12/07/2023 13:44

But what do you do if, having read the diary, you discover your child is considering an illegal act (sex at only just 15 - appreciating that consensual sex between under 16s of the same age is unlikely to be of interest to the police, but it is still illegal) AND already doing very risky sexual behaviour (the choking)....?

OP posts:
travelingtortoise · 12/07/2023 13:50

The discomfort you're feeling is the price you pay for violating her privacy.

You can't further harm your relationship with her in order to ease your own discomfort.

All you can do is make sure she's able to talk to you about everything – create a safe, supportive, open relationship of trust.

And reading her diary - or telling her you have - will destroy that completely.

GreenIsTheMagicColour · 12/07/2023 14:03

I have no idea how I would handle this but I know for sure that there is no way I'd be letting her see that boy again!

What if he went too far? I shudder to think...

CoQ10 · 12/07/2023 14:03

OK, so you read her diary. I think we all realise that's out of order, and you must not repeat.

However, you do need to speak to her because what she is doing is dangerous in so many ways.

You said she's 15. Have you talked about sex, safe sex, positions, what's normal and what's not, and how sex forms the basis of a loving relationship?

Also, have you taught her how to say no?

FridayNeverHesitate · 12/07/2023 14:13

Gosh OP, that would worry and upset me too.

Don't ever admit that you read her diary.

See if you can find another reason to have a conversation with her about choking. Perhaps you could conveniently be reading an article about a woman who died during rough sex - Grace Millane was only a few years older than your daughter - when your daughter comes into the room and ask her what her thoughts on it are.

Before you have this conversation, arm yourself with facts - have a look at the We Can't Consent To This website

Original poster
Lostfraggle · 12/07/2023 14:19

CoQ10 · 12/07/2023 14:03

OK, so you read her diary. I think we all realise that's out of order, and you must not repeat.

However, you do need to speak to her because what she is doing is dangerous in so many ways.

You said she's 15. Have you talked about sex, safe sex, positions, what's normal and what's not, and how sex forms the basis of a loving relationship?

Also, have you taught her how to say no?

I've only had very general chats about sex with her, tbh probably limited to contraception and pregnancy/STD risks, I think you're absolutely right that I need to have a much wider discussion with her about sex. And it's far more than I was told /needed to know at the same age - pre-internet, all girls school, and I was quite a nerdy goody two shoes, so I need to parent the child I've got in the year 2023....

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostfraggle · 12/07/2023 14:23

FridayNeverHesitate · 12/07/2023 14:13

Gosh OP, that would worry and upset me too.

Don't ever admit that you read her diary.

See if you can find another reason to have a conversation with her about choking. Perhaps you could conveniently be reading an article about a woman who died during rough sex - Grace Millane was only a few years older than your daughter - when your daughter comes into the room and ask her what her thoughts on it are.

Before you have this conversation, arm yourself with facts - have a look at the We Can't Consent To This website

Wow, that website is incredibly helpful in de-normalising choking. Thanks for the link. I've just realised that she and all of Year 10 just had a while day on sex ed stuff, which was going to cover consent, STDs, porn and a load of other things, so that is definitely the hook I need to initiate a conversation with her - I was going to ask her how it had gone and then can talk about all this stuff, including talking about morals and values (like don't even snog someone going out with your friend!).

This is all so different to my own teenage-hood, I need to drag myself into today's reality....

OP posts:
StayAnonn · 12/07/2023 14:30

You absolutely need to find a way to have that conversation with her op, without letting her know what you've read.

However...don't freak out and bare in mind it might be total rubbish.

I remember being a similar age and keeping a diary. Except it was full of absolute rubbish. I was an avid reader who also enjoyed writing and my diary was a mix of the real and the totally made up. Things I'd read or watched or thought about, things that had happened to people I knew, total made up imaginings, it all got weaved into my diary and 'my' life story.

incognito50me · 12/07/2023 14:31

What a tough situation. If I were you, I would not tell her I read her diary, but I would have another discussion with her about sex. You have an opening, as you know she's started seeing a boy.
Having sex at 15 is not ideal; engaging in choking to please a boy is a real, serious problem.

I've had a series of sex talks with my DD15, both before and after the first boyfriend appeared. It's too early to say how successful they have been, as she's had sex despite my saying that she's too young. But she did come to me for MAP, so I'll consider that a qualified success.
I spoke to her about the need to use condoms to prevent STIs and how there is a range of sexual behaviors, most of which are fine, but that choking and anal sex should not be on the table (no, they are not the same level of danger, but I did not want to dilute my message). I addressed these two specifically because of porn.

Are there English-language websites aimed at teens that could be useful? I forwarded my daughter the address of a site in the language of the country where we live, but this wouldn't be of use to you.

This boy seems like bad news and I would try to keep your daughter busy with other activities. If you do openly try to keep them apart, I fear the consequence will be that she keeps seeing him, but you are not be aware of it.

overitunderit · 12/07/2023 14:32

I'm a poster coming to say I still deeply resent my mother for reading my diary. I will never get over that violation of trust.

Ollifer · 12/07/2023 14:35

Normally I'd say you should keep out of it, but choking as a massively dangerous act and you need to talk to her about it.

CoQ10 · 12/07/2023 14:39

Lostfraggle · 12/07/2023 14:19

I've only had very general chats about sex with her, tbh probably limited to contraception and pregnancy/STD risks, I think you're absolutely right that I need to have a much wider discussion with her about sex. And it's far more than I was told /needed to know at the same age - pre-internet, all girls school, and I was quite a nerdy goody two shoes, so I need to parent the child I've got in the year 2023....

Show quote history

Don't think you are the only one struggling to adjust. I'm exactly the same! Many parents struggle.

Only this morning over breakfast, I kid you not, my 10 year old son asked me about a 69. Someone at school apparently said it was another word for sex.

I told him it wasn't, that it was a description of a sex position, and that he didn't need to know what exactly until he is older.

But I emphasised the importance of him talking to me and asking me about stuff he's unsure of and also not to assume his friends know it all either. I also mentioned respect which he understood.

We sometimes talk about these things on the way to school. Walking and talking is good as it's not confrontational, and it's easier than facing your child and having to look at them while you're talking about something like sex. Just a thought!

I would encourage openness and honesty and invite her to ask you questions. My mother never talked to me about sex or periods or anything like this. It really upsets me to look back on the impact that a lack of understanding had on me for many years.

MixedTocopherols · 12/07/2023 14:41

I am in my fifties and my relationship with my father and stepmother has only just started to recover from the distancing/breakdown in trust that took place after they read my diary (inc. sexual fantasies) 35 years ago, and then confronted me about it. I felt so shamed, so horrified. It still upsets me to recall, although I know they were in the wrong. I hadn’t even been doing anything sexual — they just wanted to make sure I wasn’t.

A friend of mine is nc with her younger brother for similar reasons (he read about sexual thoughts in her diary and taunted her about it when they were teens).

I feel like you’re bypassing the fact that you have done something very wrong and deflecting the focus onto your dd. What were you thinking when you picked the diary up? Saying ‘yes, I know I know’ sounds like minimising to me. You’re immediately handwaving it away and it’s actually a terrible betrayal.

If you bring this issue up ‘coincidentally’ with your dd, it is very possible she will suspect the truth of what you’ve done even if she doesn’t say so. It will make her much, much more careful about her privacy. Rightly, I’d say.

MissPop · 12/07/2023 14:46

Ethical dilemma but her safety trumps the diary reading issue. I would have a conversation with her regarding how unsafe this practice is. I mean, it isn’t like you can just ignore what you’ve read?

greenspaces4peace · 12/07/2023 15:03

Been there done that, diary reading.
Via TV, book, news article, magazine random billboard discuss your concerns.
maybe the fact you drove her there and knowing the two would have opportunities you want to reinforce XYZ.

L1342 · 12/07/2023 15:09

Okay here’s just an idea of the scenario I would create in order to open the door to this discussion.
I would buy a copy of 50 shades of grey, I would also go to a charity shop and buy a bunch of other books. I would then come home with them all bundled together and would casually mention how my friend Jane was clearing out her bookcase and passed these on to me.
I would then look through them in front of her and come across the 50 shades of grey book. I would sigh loudly and then start a conversation how it’s a shame that porn is normalising this behaviour blah blah blah and I’d go from there. But I’d be casual, maybe slip in a comment like “has this sort of thing reached your generation?”. Make it a casual welcoming chat and be very upbeat but factual.

MumGMT · 12/07/2023 15:11

Me and a couple of my friends would have wrote similar at that age. She could be exaggerating.

It's not necessarily because of porn. I was always interested in choking etc from an even younger age to your daughter and don't think I would have seen that in porn or on sex scenes on TV. We were 00's teens so the internet wasn't good enough to watch porn on even if we had looked.

One of my friends would go on hardcore sex messaging sites and talk about wild stuff she'd never done and that I don't think she was even into. Her parent saw all the transcripts so she was mortified.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 12/07/2023 15:13

Does she have friends over? Can you hover about a bit more than usual? I was genuinely near ds's room (next to mine) when I overheard he had slept with his gf.
They are both 14....i confronted him immediately...

L1342 · 12/07/2023 15:15

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 12/07/2023 15:13

Does she have friends over? Can you hover about a bit more than usual? I was genuinely near ds's room (next to mine) when I overheard he had slept with his gf.
They are both 14....i confronted him immediately...

Oh no please tell me you waited for the friends to go come? 😧

L1342 · 12/07/2023 15:16

Home even!!!

gogomoto · 12/07/2023 15:21

Time for a more adult chat definitely.

It's not normal sexual activity end of and she needs to know it's not, it's dangerous. She's obviously had access to material that's not within parental controls or from friends. Not sure how you can talk without her knowing you read her diary but perhaps she will be grateful. Don't criticise her wanting to have sex if you want to keep her onside, you need to let her know about consent and safety

Throughabushbackwards · 12/07/2023 15:24

L1342 · 12/07/2023 15:09

Okay here’s just an idea of the scenario I would create in order to open the door to this discussion.
I would buy a copy of 50 shades of grey, I would also go to a charity shop and buy a bunch of other books. I would then come home with them all bundled together and would casually mention how my friend Jane was clearing out her bookcase and passed these on to me.
I would then look through them in front of her and come across the 50 shades of grey book. I would sigh loudly and then start a conversation how it’s a shame that porn is normalising this behaviour blah blah blah and I’d go from there. But I’d be casual, maybe slip in a comment like “has this sort of thing reached your generation?”. Make it a casual welcoming chat and be very upbeat but factual.

I commend you on this very elaborate plan! 👏

OP, if you can't pull off something like this audacious book scenario, why not a causal "oh yes, how did you get on with the sex ed talk at school?... I haven't had a chance to talk to you about it" - and drop in a question like "did they talk about porn and consent and choking" etc.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/07/2023 15:24

This is all down to porn. I hate this porn soaked world our children are growing up in.
I have teenage dds , neither have been on a date yet, and I dread them dating and meeting boys who think choking someone is normal sexual behaviour.
Choking can also cause permanent damage to the thyroid gland at the front of the neck, but obviously death is the biggest concern, choking is a huge red flag for risk of murder.
I don’t know how you approach your daughter on this, but she can’t see this boy again. In your place I would be having a long conversation about coercion, healthy boundaries, inappropriate sexualisation of children, violence and abuse.
Does she talk to you usually ? If you generally are able to discuss things and she listens then that will be helpful here.

Louoby · 12/07/2023 15:27

If it was my child; I would let her know what I'd read and put a stop to her seeing this boy as she's still a child and his suggestions are dangerous. Your her mum and responsible for her. Reading her diary is a violation of privacy however she's not 18 she is a child and therefore needs to be protected.