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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lost my shit with 16 year old DD this morning

54 replies

Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:16

Long-standing family event today - DD was looking forward to it.

Woke up this morning in her (frequent) 'I'm not going' mood. I do get teen self-consciousness, truly, but it breaks my heart to see DD do this to herself over and over again. Wants to do something, makes it into something it's not in her head, then acts as though that's the facts of the situation.

Tried everything I could, being part of a family is about compromise, you say you don't want to do things, then actually enjoy them when you do, begging, bribery, pleading etc.

Decided to go without her, but DH very anxious about leaving her on her own as concerned that she'll harm herself, so they've gone and I'm here in tears and DD is in her bedroom probably looking at Snapchat and wishing her life was more fun (she talks a lot about this).

She hasn't ever harmed herself, other then refusing to do things that she would enjoy so self-destructive but not harm iykwim and of course if I truly thought she was at risk, I wouldn't leave her.

I do all the being available, just listening, with her every step of the way through the various challenges she's had in recent years, but the thought of yet another summer of her making herself miserable saying 'no' is overwhelming.

I don't know. Maybe she needs to do this another million times until she makes the connection between saying 'no' and having nothing to do?

She's refused any sort of counselling or other support, won't even take the suggestion seriously

How can I help her, or can't I? In which case, how do I help myself when I've got she's anxiety to manage as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:17

Sorry, last sentence should read dh's anxiety.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/07/2023 12:20

Why are you the one who stays behind if your husband is the anxious one? Why does he think she'll harm herself? She has to be left at some point, she'll be 18 before you know it and may be living alone.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, invite her and if she doesn't want to go then let her decide.

Boomboom22 · 09/07/2023 12:22

So weird you stayed amd not him. Als9 very odd he thinks she'll what try to commit su8vide when she's never self harmed before.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:25

It's his extended family, so that's why he went. Plus ds would prefer to go with him rather than me and I really wanted D's to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:26

To be clear, she's been in the house by herself plenty of times before.

OP posts:
Totaly · 09/07/2023 12:26

She’s 16 - if she doesn’t want to go why are you begging her?

Are you afraid of upsetting your DH and risking his anxiety? Which means you’ll be the one left out?

It should be a we are going to x Saturday who’s coming?

If you want to go, go nobody is stopping you. Sounds like madness .

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2023 12:29

I think you are all feeding into her anxiety and moods does she self harm? Teenagers thinking the grass is always greener is normal you should have just gone to the thing and Left her home if she refused to go,because that is what she's doing just refusing to take part I your life.

NerrSnerr · 09/07/2023 12:32

16 year olds are awkward, some are like this and will grow out of it. What is she like going out with friends.

It all sounds really high emotion, does her and her brother witness these conversations about worries of harming herself, someone having to stay with her etc.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:35

Because she did actually want to go and will regret it later. This makes me sad for her.

Dh's anxiety is rooted in so many women he knows (including his mother and me) making suicide attempts. It's disproportionate to the situation regarding DD, and not helpful, but I had to make a quick decision and not going seemed the best way to enable him and Ds to go.

Otherwise, I would be managing his anxiety all day. He's in therapy btw.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 09/07/2023 12:37

So your H says she can't stay at home alone, (when she has before), then you have your day ruined...
Id say, "I'm going, if you want to baby sit, knock yourself out."
Then I would leave with the internet box.
Yes she is 16, doesn't have to accompany you, but can't spend the day watching shit on snapchat either.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:37

She rarely sees her friends outside of school. They come from cultural backgrounds that don't permit much socialising outside of the family, church/mosque.

She complains about the limitations of this a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:39

She has data and besides is stubborn enough not to be dissuaded from a 'no' with the threat of that. That would just make her dig in more.

OP posts:
Doggydarling · 09/07/2023 12:39

So she has never self harmed just sulked and refused to do things or go places?? Leave her at home, you've done the pleading etc and it doesn't work so try ignoring her outbursts and let her stay home alone. Re your dh anxiety, is he getting help for that or is he behaving in a similar manner to your dd? Loading it all onto you.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:40

Yes, if she had something better to do like seeing her friends, I would have had no problem with her not going. Of course I wouldn't.

It's the self- destructive 'no' coupled with dh's anxiety that I find overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:43

DH is in long-term therapy and me being the family dumping ground for anxiety/moaning is what I'm asking for advice about navigating out of.

Going out without my phone is something I've done lots of in recent years btw.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 09/07/2023 12:43

There's a lot more going on here I'd say.

A 16 YO girl changing her mind about going to a family event is not in itself unusual. Perhaps she just fancied having the house to herself. Yes it's a shame if she is missing out on seeing cousins and would probably have enjoyed herself, sometimes it can feel like a chore if we're not really in the mood.

You've touched on your DH's anxiety and your own mental health. Perhaps here is where the real issue lies?

AuntieJune · 09/07/2023 12:43

I think your dh needs therapy about his experiences around female relatives and suicide.

Dd can exploit this anxiety and she does. If she backs out of something, I'd turn internet off etc so home is boring.

Mirabai · 09/07/2023 12:51

I don’t understand the staying at home. She’s never self harmed to your knowledge. She’s fine she just doesn’t want to go. DH could have stayed if he was that concerned.

All this drama probably isn’t helping her.

Mirabai · 09/07/2023 12:51

I don’t understand your staying at home not the.

NeverThatSerious · 09/07/2023 12:54

Honestly this sounds like far more an issue with you and your husband than with your daughter. She’s 16 years old, not a little kid, and has never self harmed nor shown any inclination that she might, from my understanding, yet you coax and cajole her to come then refuse to leave her in the house alone. Sure it’s a shame if she misses out, but there’s the lesson in it!

MammaTo · 09/07/2023 12:54

There’s so much to unpack here.

So her nan and her mum have both made suicide attempts? Husband is probably a nervous wreck, it’s no wonder she has no confidence in herself.
I know this sounds awful to say but id imagine your house is quite depressive and there’s no one who’s got confidence in themselves that she can use as an example.
I could be completely off the mark but I don’t find it a coincidence that when parents have some heavy MH problems it passes to the kids, she maybe needs some therapy or help herself to build her self confidence.

Greentree1 · 09/07/2023 12:55

If it's a family event tell her she's being very rude and inconsiderate to the rest of the family, and people will be disappointed if she doesn't go. I would say you have to go, it may be a chore, it may well be a bit of a chore to you to if it's DH's family, but some things in life you have to do. (I know you don't, but these things are not a hill to die on). At 16 she's old enough to understand family obligations. How would she feel if she was having a party and everyone said they couldn't be bothered to come. And now they will be two down as you haven't turned up either.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:20

Her grandmother's suicide attempt was many years before she was born, as was mine. These are dh's issues, not hers.

The DD issue is saying 'no' then regretting it. As I said before and have just said to DD, maybe she needs to do this more times before she learns that it's okay to feel that you don't want to do something, but think it through and decide to do it.

Somehow, DH has conflated these separate situations in his head.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:20

Sounds to me as if DH has delivered a masterclass in emotional manipulation and coercive control, and DD has graduated with honours. Now, working together, they both dominate and bully OP.

The family member in need of counselling and changing her behaviour, is OP.

EasterBreak · 09/07/2023 13:24

Why would you choose to stay at home and then cry about it? I don't understand. Why would you not just go. Your DHs anxiety is his to deal with he can't expect you to stay with your 16 year old 24/7. She's 16 she will not want to do stuff with you loads of times. Sadly you and your husband are to blame for the situation. You should have just left her at home and enjoyed your day.

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