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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lost my shit with 16 year old DD this morning

54 replies

Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 12:16

Long-standing family event today - DD was looking forward to it.

Woke up this morning in her (frequent) 'I'm not going' mood. I do get teen self-consciousness, truly, but it breaks my heart to see DD do this to herself over and over again. Wants to do something, makes it into something it's not in her head, then acts as though that's the facts of the situation.

Tried everything I could, being part of a family is about compromise, you say you don't want to do things, then actually enjoy them when you do, begging, bribery, pleading etc.

Decided to go without her, but DH very anxious about leaving her on her own as concerned that she'll harm herself, so they've gone and I'm here in tears and DD is in her bedroom probably looking at Snapchat and wishing her life was more fun (she talks a lot about this).

She hasn't ever harmed herself, other then refusing to do things that she would enjoy so self-destructive but not harm iykwim and of course if I truly thought she was at risk, I wouldn't leave her.

I do all the being available, just listening, with her every step of the way through the various challenges she's had in recent years, but the thought of yet another summer of her making herself miserable saying 'no' is overwhelming.

I don't know. Maybe she needs to do this another million times until she makes the connection between saying 'no' and having nothing to do?

She's refused any sort of counselling or other support, won't even take the suggestion seriously

How can I help her, or can't I? In which case, how do I help myself when I've got she's anxiety to manage as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:25

Um, no. DH does have quite high anxiety levels, but he is not a bully nor am I coercively controlled. I stayed home today as the family event is his family and because I had to make a quick decision. Perhaps that was wrong and I should have gone. I didn't realise that that was how she was seeing things until he said, so a bit taken aback

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 09/07/2023 13:26

It's ridiculous that you are trying to force her because you are worried she may possibly feel like she missed out. Ask her then maybe ask her again. If she says no you don't have to cause drama. Dramas draining.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:28

I was crying at yet another manifestation of dd's self-destructiveness, meaning that she misses out.

It makes me sad and can feel overwhelming, as I watched her do it so, so many times. Also taken aback by what dh said about DD, and there wasn't time to discuss it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:30

I agree Easter break. Maybe I shouldn't try to persuade her and just say 'no-one to blame but yourself' when she's miserable.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 09/07/2023 13:31

Not ideal but what would have happened if you made her go Obviously you can't pick her up anymore but really reinforced the expectation that this was a non negotiable event that she had to attend. Or gave her a time length to attend ie we will go for two hours and come home after the cake if you want etc. My DD would roll her eyes, sulk on the journey but enjoy herself once there and be glad she went. Is it too late to do this now?

Sometimes teens have to have really strong boundaries especially if they are anxious otherwise they'll take the easy route as they can't give themselves permission to enjoy life.

Sweetashunni · 09/07/2023 13:36

All this pandering nonsense. We’re so obsessed with mental health now they know they can wrap us round their little fingers with empty threats and a few dramatic remarks. Just go without her.

BCBird · 09/07/2023 13:36

You.need to ut yourself some slack. U cannot manage everyone's anxiety. What about u? I've been there and I know it is hard.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:39

Singleandproud that was the approach I tried, and that's exactly what would have happened, to the extent of DD saying that she was glad that she went (based on previous experiences).

That's what's so bloody frustrating. Just apologised to DD for shouting and she apologised for refusing to go and said she regretted it.

Which is exactly what I knew would happen. I also said that feeling 'I don't want to do this' but thinking it through and doing it anyway requires a level of maturity that she hasn't yet reached which, surprisingly, she took very well.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. I'll speak with DH later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:40

BCBird that was my question! Short term answer is I'm going for a run then going to do some gardening

OP posts:
Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:42

Singleandproud yes you're absolutely right about teen anxiety needing strong boundaries. That was how I dealt with school refusal and she ended up sailing through her GCSEs.

So in the great scheme of things, today isn't a big deal. Thanks for posting

OP posts:
Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels · 09/07/2023 14:01

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:20

Sounds to me as if DH has delivered a masterclass in emotional manipulation and coercive control, and DD has graduated with honours. Now, working together, they both dominate and bully OP.

The family member in need of counselling and changing her behaviour, is OP.

This

OP what is this nonsense about if you'd gone to the event you'd have had to be managing his anxiety all day? Newsflash: you don't. You say "you're having therapy for X amount of time now, your therapist must surely have taught you some skills to use when you feel anxiety, use them please. I am not your support human, I have a life too and I've reassured you there's nothing to worry about re DD harming herself, you know those fears are irrational. I'm here to enjoy the event, please don't make this all about you and your anxiety".

So you had your reasons, ridiculous as they are, for staying home. Now you're home, DD is fine, DH isn't there to worry. So go out! Why the heck are you sitting around crying? I suspect the answer is he'll kick off about you going out when he gets home. You have a husband problem.

NeverThatSerious · 09/07/2023 14:04

This is all just bonkers to me, the more you post OP, the more silly and melodramatic it all is. So DD would be a bit disappointed to miss out, you think, should she not go.. so what? That’s on her. Calling it self destruction is just OTT.

Serpentine1717 · 09/07/2023 14:04

I have an anxious member of my family. They are told: you have to go (to the party, new activity, class… whatever), but if you hate it after 10 minutes I will make an excuse and take you home. Have you tried something like that?

chohiad · 09/07/2023 14:08

Because she did actually want to go and will regret it later. This makes me sad for her.

She needs to learn that lessons for herself. Honestly you and your DH need to take a step back, she hasn't harmed herself, the only harm is missing out which she will soon realise, but you reacting to the extent you have (and staying behind) is just making the whole thing much more dramatic than it needs to be and possibly making it worse. Next time, just leave it up to her, and you go. She won't be like this forever.

Bonelly · 09/07/2023 14:10

I think natural consequences work best. She's 16 so in the main you can allow her to make, and process her own mistakes. So yes. Leave her in. Don't fight her as that becomes the focus. Just say once I think you'll regret not coming but mainly ok - we're leaving at 12 or whatever. You'll have a better time and she'll get to roam the house herself instead of being stuck in her room. I think social media is 1000% more powerful than the negative influences of the magazines of yesteryear. Would highly recommend encouraging her to make more creative friends through a course of some sort where she can establish her self identity away from the box that senior school puts them in. She'll work it out.

bumblebee2235 · 09/07/2023 14:25

Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 13:20

Her grandmother's suicide attempt was many years before she was born, as was mine. These are dh's issues, not hers.

The DD issue is saying 'no' then regretting it. As I said before and have just said to DD, maybe she needs to do this more times before she learns that it's okay to feel that you don't want to do something, but think it through and decide to do it.

Somehow, DH has conflated these separate situations in his head.

I think it's common with teens tbf.. I use to do it a lot around 16 17.. I always felt tired and had to be in a particular mood. The earlier it was the harder to get me out the house. I grew out of it and was a phase. (Maybe all the hormones?) I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it, the more of an issue you make it the worse it becomes and feels like a pressure then all possible fun is taken out of it.

You must remind DH that DD is not her gran, or you, she is her own independent individual and you will tackle any MH issues as and when they arise. Not all teenage anxiety, angst or anger turns into an illness, sometimes it's the necessary evil to grow and manage the world around them.

Sweetashunni · 09/07/2023 14:39

NeverThatSerious · 09/07/2023 14:04

This is all just bonkers to me, the more you post OP, the more silly and melodramatic it all is. So DD would be a bit disappointed to miss out, you think, should she not go.. so what? That’s on her. Calling it self destruction is just OTT.

Agreed

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 14:56

I'd turn off the WiFi, for sure.

Anyport · 09/07/2023 15:15

Your daughter is being a teenager, seems like your DH is the problem. Leave her to him in future and let him stay at home.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 09/07/2023 15:47

Yes, I was in the car ready to go when dh asked to speak to me and told me how worried he was about dd. It was a bit of a curved ball - I didn't know that he felt like that and why.

Him dumping his anxiety in me is something that I continue to navigate in our relationship. It was neither the time nor place to have a conversation about family suicide attempt histories, although I will do later on.

Once again, he went because it is his family. If it had been my family (it wouldn't be - I don't have one) I would have gone.

Dd quite cheerful now. We had a good chat, and I've been for a run etc.

OP posts:
Hopingforagreatescape · 10/07/2023 18:20

Actually I do understand your dh's worries. Both you and his mother made suicide attempts when you were younger. The poor guy is terrified his daughter might do the same. I think that's understandable. He's not "dumping his anxieties" on you - he has very real experience of such things actually happening. You're being dismissive of his lived experience.

Riapia · 10/07/2023 18:49

She has learned a valuable lesson.
Find a weakness and use it to your maximum advantage.
She’s looking ahead to having you all dancing to her tune.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 11/07/2023 00:24

Hopingforagreatescape · 10/07/2023 18:20

Actually I do understand your dh's worries. Both you and his mother made suicide attempts when you were younger. The poor guy is terrified his daughter might do the same. I think that's understandable. He's not "dumping his anxieties" on you - he has very real experience of such things actually happening. You're being dismissive of his lived experience.

I understand dh's worries too, very much so, and I see how his experiences shape his outlook. That's why I took what he said seriously and stayed at home.

I'm not dismissing his loved experience, I'm saying that viewing dd's teen angst through this lens isn't accurate nor helpful. He expresses lot of his anxieties to me, which does feel like being dumped on when I'm the one practically trying to deal with a situation.

Riapia you seem to have a very cynical view of teenagers.

OP posts:
Ilkleymoor · 30/08/2023 12:06

You should just go. Her missing out might make her make efforts in the future. Or make her genuinely enjoy time to herself, a house to herself. There are two different issues here.

Plus is your DH punishing you forever for having been suicidal? Yes you were in that place at that time, yes it is very frightening to be the other person but no it does not define you forever. I have been the other person and part of that experience is letting go and trusting the person who was unwell.

Original poster
Windowcleaning · 31/08/2023 14:13

Thanks for replying, although this thread was from a few months ago!

After a not too bad summer, all dd's stress had come to a head about sixth form enrolments. It's been a full year of stress about sixth form and having finally decided last week that she was going to stay put, has now decided that another girl staying (who she has got on perfectly well with for the last two years that she's been in the school) means that she can't go there now, so won't be going to the induction tomorrow.

Plus the formal dress code - the trousers that we ordered after traipsing around the shops in person for six hours at the weekend unable to find something she liked haven't arrived, and the suggestion that she compromise by borrowing something of mine which is okay but not perfect hasn't been well received.

I feel so ill-equipped to deal with these issues. My own adolescence was very troubled (stopped going to school, severe depression etc) so I don't have an 'ordinary' experience to look back on and dd's dramatics really trigger me. There isn't another adult that she can talk to really (dh's also worn out with her drama), and she's refused counselling etc when I've suggested it.

OP posts: