Lost my shit with 16 year old DD this morning

[Windowcleaning]

Long-standing family event today - DD was looking forward to it.

Woke up this morning in her (frequent) 'I'm not going' mood. I do get teen self-consciousness, truly, but it breaks my heart to see DD do this to herself over and over again. Wants to do something, makes it into something it's not in her head, then acts as though that's the facts of the situation.

Tried everything I could, being part of a family is about compromise, you say you don't want to do things, then actually enjoy them when you do, begging, bribery, pleading etc.

Decided to go without her, but DH very anxious about leaving her on her own as concerned that she'll harm herself, so they've gone and I'm here in tears and DD is in her bedroom probably looking at Snapchat and wishing her life was more fun (she talks a lot about this).

She hasn't ever harmed herself, other then refusing to do things that she would enjoy so self-destructive but not harm iykwim and of course if I truly thought she was at risk, I wouldn't leave her.

I do all the being available, just listening, with her every step of the way through the various challenges she's had in recent years, but the thought of yet another summer of her making herself miserable saying 'no' is overwhelming.

I don't know. Maybe she needs to do this another million times until she makes the connection between saying 'no' and having nothing to do?

She's refused any sort of counselling or other support, won't even take the suggestion seriously

How can I help her, or can't I? In which case, how do I help myself when I've got she's anxiety to manage as well?

Seems like a weird amount of pressure to put in a 16 year old tbh. ‘Come to this family function you’ve no interest in or I’ll stay at home and babysit you to prevent a suicide attempt I have no reason to suspect you’ll make because your Dad’s anxious and now I’m missing out on all the fun’. Sheesh. I’d want to stay in my room too!

She’s 16. She doesn’t want to go because it’s boring to her. It’s really not that deep.

Sounds so similar to my dd17. She gets stuck and unable to do something she wants to do. I am then the one who has to push her and be horrible and it’s exhausting!! And not sure it’s worth the effort sometimes.

I don’t agree with PPs that she’s just an awkward teenager trying to be manipulative and awkward for the sake of it. That’s a very superficial and narrowed view.

My dd is currently battling herself about revising for her mocks. They really matter to her but she ‘can’t revise’. I’ve been taking her phone off her as this is her go to distraction as well but it doesn’t come without a fight.

I have arranged a counselling session because this has gone on for years in one way or another and she has intrusive thoughts she can’t move past. As well as being very moody and stubborn. I really don’t think it’s because she’s a bad person. When she hasn’t got any work pressures on her she is much happier, yet she wants to go to a top uni. She very conflicted!!

How is your dd getting on @Windowcleaning ?

Hello @Karwomannghia!

It's actually been really good to come back to this thread and really 'get' that things do change, even if you don't notice them. Sixth form has not been without its stress and drama, but dd has stuck at it and is doing okay, touch wood. She's been much more amenable to giving things a go and something has definitely shifted in her.

Counselling sounds like a great idea tbh. As a parent, it gets so wearing to witness all this stuff that I often feel that I can't see the woods for the trees. Someone outside the situation may well bring a really important perspective.

Is you dd Y11? It's a really stressful year. They never have time to just be in the here and now, it's all the next set of mocks, GCSEs, sixth form choices etc. Really intense at 15/16 years old.

She’s y13 but mocks now over thank god!! Just the next few months of homework, exams and offers to get through now!!

im glad things are more settled for your dd now x