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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How the hell do you get teens to do as they are tokd

78 replies

Menopausecrazy · 05/07/2023 19:05

Ds is 16. We have booked a night away in a nice hotel by the coast for Friday. Thought he would enjoy it and agreed at the time of booking. Suddenly said he is not going. It’s too late to cancel and his sister is looking forward to it. Haven’t got anyone to ask to look after him and wouldn’t trust him to stay on his own. What the hell do we do.

OP posts:
veryfluffyfluff · 05/07/2023 20:20

You can't really. Sorry

BHRK · 05/07/2023 20:22

Remove his privileges or charge him the cost of the hotel and the trip. So no money for him until it’s paid off

Nickknackpattywhack · 05/07/2023 20:23

Either you and his sister go together and your DH looks after him or you cancel it.

Tell him he can get a paper round to pay for his share.

flowerbirdie · 05/07/2023 20:32

I try to always give choices - you can come with us on our family getaway or your allowance will be stopped until we've recuperated the cost of the money that's been wasted by you choosing not come. Because when you make a commitment to something you see it through otherwise it's not fair on everyone else. Or remove the Xbox for a period of time. Or his phone. Or whatever is important to him.

If he calls your bluff and still won't go I would do everything you can not to leave him in the house by himself for the night...he might be banking on it and have planned a house party. Are there no relatives he could stay with for the night? Or could you get him to sleepover at a friend's?

I find making the options clear and your reasons for doing them very important. Then sit quietly and calmly if they rage at you. Let them get it out. You getting angry or losing your temper will just escalate things and give them the opportunity to get more worked up and you'll move further away from resolving anything. Even when they're being mind bogglingly unreasonable try to always model the behaviour you want to see from them.

Good luck. That's not an easy one to handle.

SallyWD · 05/07/2023 21:16

Can't you leave him at home and you all go? He's 16, he'll be fine on his own.

Goldencup · 05/07/2023 21:19

Is there no trusted mate's home he can stay at ? Or a relative ? Having said that we are leaving our 16 yo alone for 3 nights in a couple of weeks. He must have done his GCSEs by now ?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2023 21:22

Why don't you trust him to stay home alone? What would he do?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2023 21:25

Natural consequences (which you start about 14 years ago). The natural consequence of bailing is paying.

Invisimamma · 05/07/2023 21:45

He's 16 so you can't really force him to go. I was at uni living independently at 16, the people suggesting you take his phone or Xbox...really? What are you worried about leaving him at home?

Although I'd be very upset about the wasted money, I'd say he pays it back or he comes with you.

travelingtortoise · 05/07/2023 22:30

Why doesn't he want to go?

Original poster
Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

OP posts:
SavedbytheBe11 · 06/07/2023 07:41

Girly getaway?
Sounds frustrating.

SweetSakura · 06/07/2023 07:44

Natural consequences - he pays the cost of the trip if he doesn't go.

redskytwonight · 06/07/2023 07:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2023 21:25

Natural consequences (which you start about 14 years ago). The natural consequence of bailing is paying.

That's not a natural consequence. The holiday costs the same money whether he goes or not (actually presumably it costs less if he doesn't go).

The natural consequence is that he has to find and pay for an appropriate childcarer to look after him while he's on his own at home. If I were OP I would offer up the choice in a disengaged, neutral way.

Spendonsend · 06/07/2023 07:54

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

I think that probably is your only solution.
Some teens just arent sensible enough to be left alone and they are too old to force.

Stade197 · 06/07/2023 07:57

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

I would leave DH at home with him, go away with DD and have a lovely girls night away 🙂

Goldencup · 06/07/2023 07:58

Stade197 · 06/07/2023 07:57

I would leave DH at home with him, go away with DD and have a lovely girls night away 🙂

Show quote history

Make it a really boring weekend as well, no going out, doing something like sorting out the attic or cellar with DH......

Frogpond · 06/07/2023 08:06

Can you say that’s fine you don’t have to come. Let me know where you are staying as it won’t be in the house. See what he comes up with. If he can’t find somewhere he has to come. If he still refuses is there something you can permanently remove to ‘sell’ to recover the cost of cancelling?

MeMeMeMeAndMoreMe · 06/07/2023 08:08

Lock him out of the house, and get a ring doorbell. He doesn't get to decide to stay in the home if he can't be trusted.

He can go and stay at a friend's house. He can't be trusted not to have a party then he comes or stays elsewhere.

SurpriseSparDay · 06/07/2023 08:50

It’s one night. If you honestly can’t trust him alone at home, ask a responsible adult to stay overnight in your house.

But you cannot get a teen to simply ‘do as they’re told’, so as a parent you need to develop other strategies to convince them of the rightness of your point of view!

MintJulia · 06/07/2023 08:58

BHRK · 05/07/2023 20:22

Remove his privileges or charge him the cost of the hotel and the trip. So no money for him until it’s paid off

This. Explain that his selfishness is spoiling it for everyone else, and that he needs to take a close look at himself.

StylishM · 06/07/2023 09:00

Make him go. He was banking on pulling out at the last minute in the hopes of getting the house to himself- I did this myself as a teen. Blush

2boysandagirltoo · 06/07/2023 09:03

StylishM · 06/07/2023 09:00

Make him go. He was banking on pulling out at the last minute in the hopes of getting the house to himself- I did this myself as a teen. Blush

Same!

CheswickMarritron · 06/07/2023 09:11

Frogpond · 06/07/2023 08:06

Can you say that’s fine you don’t have to come. Let me know where you are staying as it won’t be in the house. See what he comes up with. If he can’t find somewhere he has to come. If he still refuses is there something you can permanently remove to ‘sell’ to recover the cost of cancelling?

This, he comes up with a solution but he is told straight that he is not staying home alone and I would change the alarm code in case he thinks he can sneak back in.

If he will not be coming you need to be financially compensated suggest to him that you will be deciding between his phone/computer/games console.

Smoothiecarton · 06/07/2023 09:13

I would arrange a conveniently timed power or water cut in the house , or someone that needed to stay while you’re away , or works that needed to be carried out so as that he has no ideas about house parties. Let him know about this and then give him his options again.