Page 2 | How the hell do you get teens to do as they are tokd

Menopausecrazy · 2023-07-05T18:05:06+00:00

Ds is 16. We have booked a night away in a nice hotel by the coast for Friday. Thought he would enjoy it and agreed at the time of booking. Suddenly said he is not going. It’s too late to cancel and his sister is looking forward to it. Haven’t got anyone to ask to look after him and wouldn’t trust him to stay on his own. What the hell do we do.

SoWhatEh · 06/07/2023 09:20

Talk about it in his presence, saying how fun it will be to... See if the luxury and novelty starts to appeal.

I have in the past just said. 'Come along. It's only for the weekend. I know you don't want to but there will be...' and then list some things that might appeal.

Suggest activities that are slightly more grown up than he's normally allowed. DS2 on his 16th asked to do a wine tour of a vineyard. He doesn't even like wine. I think he was just pleased to be finally legally old enough to join the tasting.

DC (late teens) absolutely refused to come on holiday with us after so much lockdown time with us when they should have been at uni. But we booked a extra rooms for them and they decided last minute to come anyway and had a brilliant time.

RudsyFarmer · 06/07/2023 09:21

You say ‘that’s a shame’ and ask him
where he’s staying while you are away?

Nomoreplease23 · 06/07/2023 11:26

DD refuses to come to a family villa that we have use of, tbf we have holidayed there all her life and she is now 16 and the wifi connection is poor (important for teen DD). DH suggests leaving her at home for 2 weeks and the grandparents live in our house for the fortnight looking after her. Is this reasonable, I am very nervous as DD can be a pain and leaving that responsibility to the grandparents seems unfair.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2023 11:37

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

Ah, very possibly a deliberate ploy then.

Mabmabdwarf · 06/07/2023 11:41

Don’t give him a choice.

liveforsummer · 06/07/2023 11:48

I'd certainly not try and drag him along as he'll no doubt spoil it for all of you. DH stays home with him and ensures he has a really boring weekend while you have a lovely time with dd.

Beamur · 06/07/2023 11:52

He comes or stays with a friend.
I think if you don't trust him home alone I would actually tell him that and insist he hands back any house keys he has.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2023 12:02

Agree with @liveforsummer

He will absolutely trail sullenly along, ruining it.

I expect he thought he was being very clever. Pretend to go, bail - then have a party. You wont say no, because you don't want your holiday ruined.

So, play him at his own game. Like others have said. Dh stays at home with him with big boring chore project. You and dd go and have a blast, regaling the other two with photos.
You need dh on board though!

Consequences. It's the only way.

Campervangirl · 06/07/2023 12:04

How about.
"You're 16 yrs old, you're still a child, you agreed to this trip, it's one night, it's paid for and you're going, I'm not arguing and you are 100% not staying at home on your own, so I suggest you get your head round it"

Original poster

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 12:09

Campervangirl · 06/07/2023 12:04

How about.
"You're 16 yrs old, you're still a child, you agreed to this trip, it's one night, it's paid for and you're going, I'm not arguing and you are 100% not staying at home on your own, so I suggest you get your head round it"

I would love to say this but he is very defiant and will absolutely refuse to do something he doesn’t wants to do. He laughs at me when I get upset too. I was such well behaved teen I would have never dared to question my parents … not sure what I have done wrong. Think DH will have to mind him at home

OP posts:

ChocHotolate · 06/07/2023 12:13

Take the internet router for a break away with you 🤣

Dillydollydingdong · 06/07/2023 12:15

Book him into the local Travel Lodge?

Softoprider · 06/07/2023 12:16

Do you have parents/inlaws OP. Could they help? Can he stay with them overnight. I bet he wouldn't think of saying no if the alternative was to stay at grandparents

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 12:17

I mean, me and my brother would just have to go. It wouldnt have actually been a choice.
If I'd said no my parents would have said "tough"

Staggersaurus · 06/07/2023 12:27

I would love to say this but he is very defiant and will absolutely refuse to do something he doesn’t wants to do. He laughs at me when I get upset too

On these previous occasions where he has point blank refused to do something what were the consequences? If there haven’t really been any then he has been taught that he can get away with refusing with no repercussions. Why would this situation be any different?

If I were your DH stuck at home I’d be filling his time with chores and no internet/phone/money/treats to make up for him ruining the weekend.

Eve171 · 06/07/2023 12:44

You have to parent him. Remove his privileges.

travelingtortoise · 06/07/2023 13:15

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 12:17

I mean, me and my brother would just have to go. It wouldnt have actually been a choice.
If I'd said no my parents would have said "tough"

So they'd have dragged you physically into the car? At 16?

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 06/07/2023 13:29

If my parents had booked a getaway which I had initially agreed to, I'd be going regardless even if I changed my mind. Would have had to sit in the hotel room in a strop instead.
Would make my own kids do the same. Especially if there was no one to stay with at home or call in an emergency

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2023 15:02

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 06/07/2023 13:29

If my parents had booked a getaway which I had initially agreed to, I'd be going regardless even if I changed my mind. Would have had to sit in the hotel room in a strop instead.
Would make my own kids do the same. Especially if there was no one to stay with at home or call in an emergency

The thing that gets me about this approach, forcing kids to go, is that that ruins it for everyone. Not just them, which is fine, their fault so consequences, but you too. And, why should you be penalised?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 16:17

travelingtortoise · 06/07/2023 13:15

So they'd have dragged you physically into the car? At 16?

Show quote history

No, their authority wouldn't have even made it cross our minds to not get in the car. We were brought up to do what we were told. 🤷

Tetchypants · 06/07/2023 16:22

I’d tell mine fine, but I’d be taking his phone and Xbox with me. He’d soon change his mind.

Beamur · 06/07/2023 17:30

I have a 16 yr old DD. I can't imagine her even thinking of saying no to me in a similar situation...
(But that's not very helpful is it 😁)

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2023 20:16

Uninstall the router and install a boring grandparent or aunt/uncle in the house?

Onelifeonly · 06/07/2023 20:33

Surely he must have a friend he can stay with (if you think he's planning a party, presumably he has people to invite to it)? Any whose parents you know that you could ask?

I would never have refused to go point blank, but at the same age I said I couldn't go on holiday as I had to revise for my exams- this was kinda true and I wasn't trying to stay home alone, I just didn't want to go with my family. My dad drove me to stay with GPs for the week.

Ironically, it was extremely boring there and my GM respected my need to revise so seriously that I had nothing to do most of the time but get on with it!I was used to seeing GPs with the rest of the family and couldn't bear how quiet it was without all the others. Meals were eaten in a painful silence, where I could hear every gurgle in my stomach.

When my family came to pick me up I was so delighted to see them, I still remember the feeling. And my siblings still talk about the exciting (to their teenage minds) car accident they had while away, that I missed out on.

Squeaky2023 · 06/07/2023 20:43

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 12:17

I mean, me and my brother would just have to go. It wouldnt have actually been a choice.
If I'd said no my parents would have said "tough"

And how is that helpful to the OP when your scenario is totally different to hers?