Page 3 | How the hell do you get teens to do as they are tokd

Menopausecrazy · 2023-07-05T18:05:06+00:00

Ds is 16. We have booked a night away in a nice hotel by the coast for Friday. Thought he would enjoy it and agreed at the time of booking. Suddenly said he is not going. It’s too late to cancel and his sister is looking forward to it. Haven’t got anyone to ask to look after him and wouldn’t trust him to stay on his own. What the hell do we do.

travelingtortoise · 07/07/2023 08:32

Squeaky2023 · 06/07/2023 20:43

And how is that helpful to the OP when your scenario is totally different to hers?

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It's not. That poster is simply claiming her parents' experience as her own success.

And forgetting that blind obedience is just as destructive a behaviour as outright defiance

lljkk · 07/07/2023 08:51

So sorry to read this.
You have to tell him how this whole episode undermines your trust in him. How bad it is that he can't keep his word. It's not fair that he cost you pointless money & inconvenience you. All of these are values and principles that teens understand.

Invite him to share if something specific is bothering him or there's a conflict he hadn't identified before.

I imagine one parent would stay, the other parent + kid would go.
Appeal to hotel for possible at least partial refund.
Make it clear to the big DS that nothing fun will be booked for him in future unless he coughs up a deposit, ideally the full amount, to be refunded only after event finished as planned.

That's what losing trust means.
Don't get emotionally involved otherwise. It's too exhausting on you & doesn't make him comply better.

BartholemewHolmes · 07/07/2023 08:53

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 12:09

I would love to say this but he is very defiant and will absolutely refuse to do something he doesn’t wants to do. He laughs at me when I get upset too. I was such well behaved teen I would have never dared to question my parents … not sure what I have done wrong. Think DH will have to mind him at home

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Can’t you and dh handle this together?

Don’t let him change your plans

NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 08:54

So, play him at his own game. Like others have said. Dh stays at home with him with big boring chore project.

I’d get your DH on board to do this, with a bit of reverse psychology thrown in - ‘Oh, great, DS, I wasn’t keen to go this weekend either because I need to get the garage cleared out/shed & fences painted/need help with moving X to Y. You can help and then we can watch a movie together later. Brilliant!’

In the face of enthusiasm and lack of downtime he might change his mind…

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 07/07/2023 08:58

I haven't worked in out yet and mine's almost 22.
She'd have done the same and I was in my own.
I just didn't do anything.
Making up for it know she's left home though!

Original poster

Menopausecrazy · 07/07/2023 10:47

NoSquirrels · 07/07/2023 08:54

So, play him at his own game. Like others have said. Dh stays at home with him with big boring chore project.

I’d get your DH on board to do this, with a bit of reverse psychology thrown in - ‘Oh, great, DS, I wasn’t keen to go this weekend either because I need to get the garage cleared out/shed & fences painted/need help with moving X to Y. You can help and then we can watch a movie together later. Brilliant!’

In the face of enthusiasm and lack of downtime he might change his mind…

He would refuse to do any activity with his dad though. We have begged him to help in the garden etc but he point blank refused….

Things have escalated today. He said we are controlling and so he is leaving home. I am broken

OP posts:

Fairymother · 07/07/2023 11:56

StylishM · 06/07/2023 09:00

Make him go. He was banking on pulling out at the last minute in the hopes of getting the house to himself- I did this myself as a teen.

Yes he most definitely planned this. Drag him with you if you need!

lljkk · 07/07/2023 14:18

where will he go?

SullysBabyMama · 07/07/2023 14:47

OP teenagers can be really tricky.
I currently have the exact same situation with my 13 year old DD who despite being asked if she would like to come before paying £170 for her ticket, has now decided she doesn’t want to come to Latitude Festival.
Even if she eventually decides to come along, her reluctance and the resulting stress on me is taking the fun out of planning fun outfits and activities.

crumpet · 07/07/2023 14:47

BHRK · 05/07/2023 20:22

Remove his privileges or charge him the cost of the hotel and the trip. So no money for him until it’s paid off

This

crumpet · 07/07/2023 14:49

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

Then make it clear he owes you the cost of both cancelled holidays

FionnulaTheCooler · 07/07/2023 14:59

Menopausecrazy · 07/07/2023 10:47

He would refuse to do any activity with his dad though. We have begged him to help in the garden etc but he point blank refused….

Things have escalated today. He said we are controlling and so he is leaving home. I am broken

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Reminds me of this quote. He's manipulating you with threats to leave home if he doesn't get his own way. Ask him who's going to be paying for everything without his "controlling" parents to pay all his living expenses.

How the hell do you get teens to do as they are tokd

Windowcleaning · 07/07/2023 15:36

My 16 year old DD does this and it's truly soul destroying. What I have noticed is that the happier she is in herself, the less likely she is to just say 'no'.

Unfortunately, I have very little influence anymore as to whether she's happy or not, but it has helped me a little to fully realise that it's not about me but something she is working through.

It reduces me to tears of frustration on a regular basis, despite that.

You and DD go and have a nice time. DH can do his thing at home. Then it will be in the past and there'll be something else along.

SistersNotCisters · 07/07/2023 15:42

MeMeMeMeAndMoreMe · 06/07/2023 08:08

Lock him out of the house, and get a ring doorbell. He doesn't get to decide to stay in the home if he can't be trusted.

He can go and stay at a friend's house. He can't be trusted not to have a party then he comes or stays elsewhere.

That would probably be my suggestion. If he's so untrustworthy (and clearly isn't a good example of a well behaved child because he is refusing to do as he's told i.e The holiday refusal) I'd be locking up the house and having cctv and neighbours watch it. Any sign of attempted break ins and partying then it'd be a quick call to the police.

Nickknackpattywhack · 07/07/2023 15:47

FionnulaTheCooler · 07/07/2023 14:59

Reminds me of this quote. He's manipulating you with threats to leave home if he doesn't get his own way. Ask him who's going to be paying for everything without his "controlling" parents to pay all his living expenses.

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I'd help him pack 🙂

Dacadactyl · 07/07/2023 15:49

Menopausecrazy · 07/07/2023 10:47

He would refuse to do any activity with his dad though. We have begged him to help in the garden etc but he point blank refused….

Things have escalated today. He said we are controlling and so he is leaving home. I am broken

Show quote history

I would've laughed. Where's he going to go?!

Mine would have to come with us, there'd be no option not to come. He would just have to get on with it.

user01082312345 · 07/07/2023 15:51

SallyWD · 05/07/2023 21:16

Can't you leave him at home and you all go? He's 16, he'll be fine on his own.

Depends on the maturity of the 16 year old. My parents could trust me at 16 to be home alone, but maybe OP's son may be planning a house party.

Dacadactyl · 07/07/2023 15:52

Also don't beg him. Tell him. If he doesn't do the garden, you'll cancel his phone contract or whatever.

itsgettingweird · 07/07/2023 16:25

ChocHotolate · 06/07/2023 12:13

Take the internet router for a break away with you 🤣

I was going to suggest this.

My friends dds would refuse to go out and I suggested this but she always said "but they'll have nothing to do"

That's the point 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I honestly don't have any other suggestions but I like the ideas above about asking him where he's staying then.

And if he laughs at you then get dh to tell him?

itsgettingweird · 07/07/2023 16:28

Then let him leave home. He'll soon come back when he realises no family home means no family paying for phone contract etc

Some teens are defiant. You cannot physically force them and as said above you have to calmly apply natural consequences to help them see that compromise is valuable and worth it in the end.

hiredandsqueak · 07/07/2023 16:29

I imagine that he is loving the drama. I would be calm and factual, if he chooses not to go his allowance will be stopped until he has covered the full cost of his place and the place of whoever has to stay home. I'd be taking the console and the phone with me. Only one of mine threatened to leave home in a temper, I told him "Off you pop then, leave your key" he stomped off to the park, came home later, apologised and we just chatted about what had happened and it was all over and done with. Try not to feed into the drama give him space once he knows of the consequences. Hopefully he won't want to be strapped for cash for however long it takes to repay you.

TheCheeseTray · 07/07/2023 16:29

Menopausecrazy · 06/07/2023 07:39

He would undoubtedly have a party if we were to leave him behind and he also been dabbling in smoking weed so I’m really concerned about him right now. I think one of us is going to have to stay at home ….

Ha you go with DD - son pays for trip easy

FiftyNotNifty · 07/07/2023 16:34

No negotiating with terrorists! He goes, leave him in the room while you eat/explore if he won't cooperate

PineappleLatte · 07/07/2023 16:37

You have to make a decision and stick with it. If it means DH stays home with your son they so be it. His pocket money/allowance is stopped until the cost is repaid. And the Xbox is confiscated to help encourage early repayment, and the router password is changed.

If he wants to get all billy big balls and be grown up then remove the benefits of being a family member.

He wants to move out - fine. Here I’ll help you pack.

Do not show weakness otherwise this will be the emotional string he tugs on everytime he doesn’t want to do something. A bit of short term pain is much better than the long run alternative.

user01082312345 · 07/07/2023 16:40

Dillydollydingdong · 06/07/2023 12:15

Book him into the local Travel Lodge?

And spend more money on him?? OP you need to toughen up. It sounds as though your son is used to playing with you and gets away with it. Laughing at you when you're upset is horrible, even for a teenager. I would be heartbroken if my DS treated me this way. Does your DH discipline him in any way?

He's made his decision, don't try and force or persuade him to join you on the weekend away. He would most likely just ruin the experience for everyone anyway. But there is no way he can stay unsupervised in your home. Ship him off to a relative's, or ask a trusted parent of one of his friend's if she could possibly mind him that weekend. If those options fail, then DH will have to stay home. And tell DH to keep him busy! No sitting in his room watching tv all day or playing video games. PlayStation hidden, no wifi, he can help dad out with chores around the house.