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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Husband against teens b'day present idea

52 replies

CatKittyCat · 29/06/2023 04:07

Looking for suggestions how to tackle my husband for rejecting DS's birthday present idea.

DS loves his PC, which he built with his dad/my husband two years ago. DS is into gaming, but his interest in computing is wider; he loves messing about with coding + graphic design, as well as watching youtubers build PCs. His room is full of flashing rgb lights.

Last xmas, DS wanted parts to upgrade his PC. Husband was totally against. He tore into every suggestion DS made. Eventually husband agreed to a small upgrade of memory with lights. But husband bought only half of what DS wanted saying he wasn't replacing the existing memory as it still worked. DS was so disappointed as it was the only thing he really wanted.

DS has a birthday soon. What does he want for his birthday? To upgrade his beloved PC of course! Husband has gone mad against this, again.

I think a kid should be free to get what they want for their birthday (within reason!) + my husband is being total a jerk. Its not about the money, my husband just keeps ranting about how its pointless to do any PC upgrades because everything works fine for what DS needs.

I just can't understand Husband's stance or get him to see DS's viewpoint. I have tried:

  • that DS's main hobby is his PC.
  • how upset DS was at xmas not to get the parts he expected.
  • its more of a waste to buy DS things he doesn't want.
  • if DS liked skateboards or wanted expensive clothes, we'd buy them for his birthday, even if we thought it was a waste of money.
  • Husband didn't need a new TV last year as the old one still worked, but he got it anyway.

I hate the idea of DS being disappointed with his presents, again. The only idea I have is to give DS money. But thats a pretty rubbish fix because it just postpones the arguement until DS wants to spend the money on PC upgrades.

Any others ideas what else I can say/do?

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/06/2023 04:10

Can't you just buy it anyway and tell your husband to stop being such a jerk?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2023 04:13

Tell your husband he's being totally unreasonable, ridiculously controlling, and get your son what he wants for his birthday.

BestServedChilled · 29/06/2023 04:15

oh that point about the TV is a cracker!

I would try “oh dh, I’ve bought the memory DS wants for his birthday and it’s wrapped read to give to him. Try to smile and be nice about it. One day we won’t have a young son living with us, we won’t see his face light up when he opens his gifts. He will be done and living his adult life. I’d like to make each birthday precious for him, I’d like him to have those memories for himself. And I want them for me too. If you want birthday memories full of resentment and disappointment then please could you keep those bits to yourself? Much appreciated,”

AngelAurora · 29/06/2023 04:20

CatKittyCat · 29/06/2023 04:07

Looking for suggestions how to tackle my husband for rejecting DS's birthday present idea.

DS loves his PC, which he built with his dad/my husband two years ago. DS is into gaming, but his interest in computing is wider; he loves messing about with coding + graphic design, as well as watching youtubers build PCs. His room is full of flashing rgb lights.

Last xmas, DS wanted parts to upgrade his PC. Husband was totally against. He tore into every suggestion DS made. Eventually husband agreed to a small upgrade of memory with lights. But husband bought only half of what DS wanted saying he wasn't replacing the existing memory as it still worked. DS was so disappointed as it was the only thing he really wanted.

DS has a birthday soon. What does he want for his birthday? To upgrade his beloved PC of course! Husband has gone mad against this, again.

I think a kid should be free to get what they want for their birthday (within reason!) + my husband is being total a jerk. Its not about the money, my husband just keeps ranting about how its pointless to do any PC upgrades because everything works fine for what DS needs.

I just can't understand Husband's stance or get him to see DS's viewpoint. I have tried:

  • that DS's main hobby is his PC.
  • how upset DS was at xmas not to get the parts he expected.
  • its more of a waste to buy DS things he doesn't want.
  • if DS liked skateboards or wanted expensive clothes, we'd buy them for his birthday, even if we thought it was a waste of money.
  • Husband didn't need a new TV last year as the old one still worked, but he got it anyway.

I hate the idea of DS being disappointed with his presents, again. The only idea I have is to give DS money. But thats a pretty rubbish fix because it just postpones the arguement until DS wants to spend the money on PC upgrades.

Any others ideas what else I can say/do?

You do not need your husbands permission to buy what you want for your son OP.

sashh · 29/06/2023 04:25

Your husband is being a dick, tell him that from me.

It is not about the PC already working well, it is about him telling your son his wants do not matter. That no matter how much he wants something his dad will say 'no'.

That is not a good thing for a child to be on the receiving end of.

JamNittyGritty · 29/06/2023 04:39

just get your dc what he wants, you don’t need your dh’s permission. Would rather my DH was unhappy than my dc.

ButImNotOldEnough · 29/06/2023 04:49

Unless you’ve no access to your own finances, I’d be buying him what he wanted and sod what his dad says. Your son has two parents, your husband doesn’t get a unanimous veto.

Phillipa12 · 29/06/2023 05:11

I also own a gaming pc loving teen, and all he ever asks for is upgrades. Personally, I would be getting the upgrades and sod what your husband thinks. When it's your husbands birthday I would also decline all his requests due to him having suitable xxx already. Twat.

LinwoodBoomer · 29/06/2023 05:56

Why does your husband have the final say on this?

OfficerChurlish · 29/06/2023 06:07

The only idea I have is to give DS money. But thats a pretty rubbish fix because it just postpones the arguement until DS wants to spend the money on PC upgrades.

This is all part and parcel of the same issue: your husband is overcontrolling. When a child is given money as a gift, that 's it - the money belongs to the child now. And whether it's a toddler falling in love with a hideous giant plush rainbow panda or a teen blowing it all on in-app virtual schwag - it's part of a learning and growing-up process. They have x amount of money for the birthday/Christmas/whatever and when it's gone it's gone. If they make a bad decision and have no money left for what they "should have" bought, that's all part of the process. Your husband needs to back way off on this; let the kid make his mistakes (if he's going to). It's HIS birthday, not your husband's.

heldinadream · 29/06/2023 06:16

While D(ick)H is out, wrap his new TV in parcel paper, can be done even if it's wall mounted, and when he comes in just tell him you are sending it back because he didn't need it.

TheDogsMother · 29/06/2023 06:28

I understand the point of the upgrades is for gaming but you DS sounds like he is pretty savvy with PCs generally and is also exploring coding etc. He may well end up in a career in this direction and your DH is stifling this early interest. He can't give any good reason why your son shouldn't have his upgrades and is just being controlling for the sake of it. If you can afford it get DS the upgrades he wants. Perhaps you could sell the TV to cover the costs !!

NashvilleQueen · 29/06/2023 06:48

It's a really odd stance for him to take. Is he jealous somehow? Doesn't want your son to have better computer skills/kit than him? It makes no sense to me otherwise.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 29/06/2023 06:54

Your husband is - excuse my language - a stubborn, selfish idiot and I’d actually consider leaving someone who was willing to spoil my child’s birthdays and christmases thinking that his own opinions on everything were so important and superior. Who does he think he is?!!! What an absolute bellend. Your poor son! Birthdays and christmases are meant to be happy - I guess not with your husband around.

Soontobe60 · 29/06/2023 06:54

Does your DH think your DS is unhealthily obsessed with his hobby? Maybe he thinks it’s about time he expanded his horizons? How old is your DC?
The comment about the new TV is irrelevant as presumably the Tv was purchased out of DHs earned income, and not a gift?

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 29/06/2023 06:55

(I said ‘excuse my language’ because I was going to call him “an absolute prick” but changed my mind. Although that’s what he’s being. Also a bellend, as I stated later 😂)

Mix56 · 29/06/2023 07:02

Is this actually more about himself ?
Is he worried DS will get better than him?
Will have a better computer than him?

Whatever, he is being a fool, & harvest resentment, this child is going to be an angry teenager!
Dont poke the wasp nest with a stick

ReleasetheCrackHen · 29/06/2023 07:03

Your DH is being an absolute dick to your DS. This is a form of emotional abuse, especially the yeah you can have a few parts for Xmas and then deliberately break your promise by refusing the one part the DS really wanted for Xmas. The constant “tearing into” DS for asking for parts for his PC as gifts is definitely emotional abuse and if there is any name calling or insulting language like “don’t be daft” “why the fuck do you keep saying you need it, you don’t need it everything still work…” and so on then that is verbal abuse of your DS.

Your DH is abusing your DS.

You need to step in the stop this shit or kick the DH out of the home.

Buy DS the PC parts he wants and tell DH to shut the fuck up and you’re not allowing anymore abusive behaviour from him. I’d buy what he was promised for Xmas and was cruelly let down on, plus extra for his birthday.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 29/06/2023 07:08

I just can't understand Husband's stance or get him to see DS's viewpoint.
You can’t understand his stance because like most abusers, he hasn’t got a leg to stand on and is using anger and nastiness to inflict emotional distress on DS and you. It’s about controlling you & DS. He’s also testing your loyalty to him by being unreasonable and abusive towards DS. He is getting you to choose him over your own child.

Staplesonstamps · 29/06/2023 07:12

You DH sees the PC as an appliance. It is capable of doing the job it needs to do therefore why spend money upgrading/improving.

Your son sees the PC as his hobby/pride and joy, like some men are with cars, model airplanes, fishing equipment…, the list could go on and on depending on the flavour of husband. Men won’t these hobbies are often tinkering and upgrading the hobby objects of their passion.

Your husband needs to understand this IS you DC hobby/passion and that one if he’s really good with it could lead to an income for your son. Yes the PC does what it needs to do it doesn’t NEED upgrading in any way but your sun wants to do it because it makes him happy.

There are many things our kids want for Xmas and birthdays we roll our eyes inwardly and think is crap/pointless but Xmas and birthdays is the time they get a bit of agency in what THEY really want even if we don’t understand their want for it. That’s part of the joy of birthdays for them.

Staplesonstamps · 29/06/2023 07:13

Excuse the typos! Blurry morning eyes!

theculture · 29/06/2023 07:16

Not sure it will help but can you agree to give him money; then it's DS to spend as he wants

I would then ask to buy things for his computer quietly over time, not obviously in front of his dad

But it's sad that it seems that the only way it's going to be managed is either not getting your DS what he wants and letting your DH bully everyone or you and your DS collaborating behind your DHs back

Oblomov23 · 29/06/2023 07:17

What a dick your husband is. But it, today!

BitOutOfPractice · 29/06/2023 07:21

I bet your DH has the latest laptop and a newish car and some nice trainers, even though the previous ones worked ok.

JustFrustrated · 29/06/2023 07:23

theculture · 29/06/2023 07:16

Not sure it will help but can you agree to give him money; then it's DS to spend as he wants

I would then ask to buy things for his computer quietly over time, not obviously in front of his dad

But it's sad that it seems that the only way it's going to be managed is either not getting your DS what he wants and letting your DH bully everyone or you and your DS collaborating behind your DHs back

So acquiesce to a bully? Why?