Husband against teens b'day present idea

[CatKittyCat]

Looking for suggestions how to tackle my husband for rejecting DS's birthday present idea.

DS loves his PC, which he built with his dad/my husband two years ago. DS is into gaming, but his interest in computing is wider; he loves messing about with coding + graphic design, as well as watching youtubers build PCs. His room is full of flashing rgb lights.

Last xmas, DS wanted parts to upgrade his PC. Husband was totally against. He tore into every suggestion DS made. Eventually husband agreed to a small upgrade of memory with lights. But husband bought only half of what DS wanted saying he wasn't replacing the existing memory as it still worked. DS was so disappointed as it was the only thing he really wanted.

DS has a birthday soon. What does he want for his birthday? To upgrade his beloved PC of course! Husband has gone mad against this, again.

I think a kid should be free to get what they want for their birthday (within reason!) + my husband is being total a jerk. Its not about the money, my husband just keeps ranting about how its pointless to do any PC upgrades because everything works fine for what DS needs.

I just can't understand Husband's stance or get him to see DS's viewpoint. I have tried:

• that DS's main hobby is his PC.
• how upset DS was at xmas not to get the parts he expected.
• its more of a waste to buy DS things he doesn't want.
• if DS liked skateboards or wanted expensive clothes, we'd buy them for his birthday, even if we thought it was a waste of money.
• Husband didn't need a new TV last year as the old one still worked, but he got it anyway.

I hate the idea of DS being disappointed with his presents, again. The only idea I have is to give DS money. But thats a pretty rubbish fix because it just postpones the arguement until DS wants to spend the money on PC upgrades.

Any others ideas what else I can say/do?

My DS is gaming mad and is always asking for graphic cards or memory updates for his computer (which he built himself). For his 18th we got him something for his computer because that's what he asked for. My DH and I have no interest whatsoever in gaming but want the joy of seeing him get something he wants. Similarly my DS has no interest in golf but always buys my DH something for golf which he knows his dad would like/want.

I cannot understand your DH's point of view at all.

It sounds like your husband is being really spiteful. You can't gatekeep presents. Very controlling.

He should be encouraging your son - a fantastic area to be knowledgeable in.

Just get you DS what he wants for his birthday.

Husbands come and go throughout our lives - kids are forever.

sorry but a kids birthday and christmas presents should be what they want, not what they need. A kid doesnt NEED toys as the ones they have work right? yet you buy them for them.

Kid doesnt NEED clothes as the ones they have are appropriate and have no holes right? but we would buy them for them if thats what they wanted so whats different from a PC

Also PC games are constantly going up in needs, i built my own gaming pc 3 years ago and its started to not work good enough for new games as i didnt go for the top quality stuff, so now i need to upgrade a bit of stuff.

If its what your son wants then its what he should get, either that or you just give him money for his present so he can buy what he wants.

Does he have form for ruining special occasions? My stbxh always finds some way to make me feel horrible on Christmas, birthdays, mother's day. I dread special occasions now, luckily as DC are still young and have SEN it goes over their heads, though our eldest has noticed his hypocrisy. I'd call the TV thing hypocrisy, because it's not about it being his own money he's spent, his stated principle was not to replace something that works fine, yet this apparently doesn't apply to himself and simply wanting a better TV is reason enough for him to have a new one.

If your DH knows a bit about computers he'd be well aware there can be massive performance differences with upgrades. My Stbxh is a gamer and he upgrades his computer every 2-3 years, it's necessary for gaming as well as things like graphic art to have the equipment. Your 'D'H is being very unreasonable in many different ways.

Why do you think he's being like this? It's really weird! Does he resent ds in some way?

OR could you compromise, say to your Son, okay we will be getting you something else for your bithday BUT can he work for the money to buy the part he needs? maybe pocket money? or chores to earn etc? that way they both get what they want.

My kids will be getting £50 a month each pocket money and its up to them what they do with it but its a good learning lesson about saving up and budgeting.

Is this man a controlling person generally?
How old is your son ?
You need to stand up to him. Remind him about his new TV and does he by any chance replace his clothes before they are rags ,car before it has fallen apart,furniture before it is broken etc !

Is your husband always such a controlling idiot?

Is your husband usually controlling and with traits of insecure inadequacy? He built the PC with your son, is he threatened by your son wanting to improve it?? Either way, your husband is a dick. And a hypocrite.

Why do you need permission from your husband to buy your son's birthday present? Does he control the money? 🚩

Your husband is very, very controlling.

There are so many elements to this that are weird.

Why do you have to agree this? Couldn’t you buy him the parts?
Why isn’t your son saving the money if it is so important to him? Why not just give him money?

This is a hill I would die on. Gifts are about what a person wants and you do it to make them happy. The TV point is definitely one I would be hammering home too. I would be buying what he wants and if you can't do that without him agreeing then you have a bigger issue

Tell him you were doing separate presents this year. Ask him what he's buying him.

This

I would just buy it and tell him.
Does DH struggle with empathy generally?

This is all about your husbands ego. He built the computer and is taking it as an insult to his manliness that what he built is no longer good enough.

What a turn off.

@CatKittyCat
Great that your DS is not just into gaming but also into graphics and coding thereby learning as well.
You shouldn't have to use this argument but that's a point I would be hammering on.
My DH can be like this and I am so conflicted many times so I empathise.
Hope you manage to buy what you want.

List the tv on Fb marketplace. Tell Dh you’ll take it down when the email confirmation for the purchase of ds new computer stuff is in your inbox. If that’s not within hours well then he’ll have to make do with an old tv from marketplace which WILL DO EVERYTHING HE NEEDS IT TO. Oh Dh I have 2 interested buyers, I’m arranging pick up times.

Tell him you and he have different views on this, and given his serious interest, career potential etc, you will be giving him the upgrade from you. Say ‘true, it may not be strictly necessary but I also think this is the age where Ds learns from his mistakes as well as from his achievements. It’s fine: you buy whatever present you think he would like. Then we are all happy’

I'm inclined to think this as well.

Surely he'd want to see his child happy? What's the point of buying him crap that he doesn't want, instead of what he'd actually love?

I'd also point out he didn't need a new TV because the other one still worked.

Just buy your DS what he's asking for and bollocks to your controlling, miserable husband!

Tell him one of my lads was the same at this age, and at 24 is a lead front end Web developer on £39k.

This is the 3rd thread in as many days about extreme controlling men not 'allowing' their children's mother to have any input at all.

I think if you want your son to grow up to be a good man you should leave this fucker right now.

Far too common a situation

I think it's jealously at okay here.

Your son has free time to use the PC whereas your husband as an adult has responsibilities etc.

His reason of saying no because the existing PC works fine is said out of spite as every day new technology is emerging.

This is a nasty character flaw in your husband. Please tell him this from me.