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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

A difficult situation!

88 replies

TeenageConfusion · 19/06/2023 14:27

NC for this.

My 15 YO daughter's friend is a lovely young woman who's having a tough time with her mother at the moment.

It's come to light that she's smoking a lot of weed, her mother is under the impression that she's getting it from my daughter, she's actually getting from her father (mother and father are together, obviously not a good and honest relationship).

I've had communication from the mother that she sees my daughter as a bad influence and doesn't want her daughter coming to my house any more.

I do have a very good, open and honest relationship with my daughter (I'm not delusional, or a credulous fool, before anyone says anything!) we really do, which is how I know it's the father of the friend that's supplying her with weed.

I see their friendship as a supportive relationship that they've had for six years. The last time her daughter was here, they got the Schleich horses out, made pancakes and watched movies, we are not a den of iniquity!

And I'm not about to dob the father in, because it's not my job, if I had any communication with him I'd tell him to sort this out, but I don't, and his daughter apparently asked him if she could tell her mother that he was giving her weed.

His response?

'Don't get me involved'.

And I know they'll be a million responses telling me to just tell her, but I can't do that because I'd be breaking a confidence which is the bond of trust between me and my daughter and there's obviously a dynamic in this family that wouldn't be helped by me just lobbing a bomb in it.

Any advice?

I'm not even sure if I need advice, because there's no sensible solution, I guess I'm posting to talk it through.

OP posts:
2lsinllama · 19/06/2023 14:35

i think the only advice you are going to get is to tell the mother but if you are not going to do that I’m not sure what else people can suggest. I would be concerned that the mother is suggesting that your daughter is taking drugs - I would be be wondering who else she has said that to.

Parisj · 19/06/2023 14:54

She needs encouragement to tell her mum though. Can you or your dd do that?

MissyB1 · 19/06/2023 14:54

Ok well other options are

1: tell the mother that it’s not from your dd. but you know that her dd is getting it from a member of her own family, and that she would really like to tell her mum but that person is pressuring her not to. She maybe able to get her daughter to tell her.

2: Tell the pastoral lead at school and let them decide if it’s a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
TeenageConfusion · 19/06/2023 16:02

@2lsinllama I do know that my daughter smokes weed. I'm not happy about it, I think it's a bad idea. I also know that teens are going to teen, (she is not my only teen and I know that some teens glide through their teen years with no issues), however some young people are very interested in boundary pushing and experimentation, and all the salient advice in the world will not persuade them otherwise. Given that, I then believe that harm-reduction through openness and honesty is the best way through.

So! Yes, I kind of get why my D's friend's mother thinks D is a bad influence, not because I allow or encourage 'bad behaviour', but I understand teens, I remember how it was to be a rebellious and confused teen pushing against The World. No-one could have told me what to do. I try and teach my children that openness and honesty are the best way forward and that not everyone can be, and it's difficult to navigate life and other people sometimes, but that truth and openness are your best options really.

@Parisj she does need encouragement to tell her Mum, I don't think that's going to happen atm, their relationship is a bit fractured. I do keep asking her Mum for a coffee though, I think a chat would be good for us both.

@MissyB1 They don't go to the same school, amd whilst I have in the past reported concens around situations to Safeguarding (not this family btw, other situations, I just want you to know I am not agin informing the right authorities where necessary), I'm not sure they have the capacity to care about weed-smoking in teenagers.

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 19/06/2023 23:00

What an absolute crap situation to be in.

I would tell the mother that it categorically isn’t your DD, and tell her what they actually do at your house.

Also tell her that her judgement is way off and not to cast any aspersions around until she finds out the true facts.

2lsinllama · 20/06/2023 06:27

If your daughter smokes it too, how can you be sure the friend is not getting it from her? And where is your daughter getting it from?

ladycardamom · 20/06/2023 06:35

2lsinllama · 20/06/2023 06:27

If your daughter smokes it too, how can you be sure the friend is not getting it from her? And where is your daughter getting it from?

This

pictoosh · 20/06/2023 06:40

Let her think what she wants and stay out of it is my advice.

User63847484848 · 20/06/2023 06:42

Where does your daughter get hers?

romdowa · 20/06/2023 06:55

2lsinllama · 20/06/2023 06:27

If your daughter smokes it too, how can you be sure the friend is not getting it from her? And where is your daughter getting it from?

Is the friends father supplying your dd with drugs too? Is that why you don't want to tell? Because then your daughters supply would be cut off?

dooneyousmugelf · 20/06/2023 07:01

My advice would've been to just keep out of it. 'It's not from my daughter'- end of. What else would there be to say or do?

But now you're saying your daughter smokes weed. If this is being supplied by her friend's father then I'd be making some fucking noise about it. If it's coming from somewhere else, then the mum might well be right or half right in assuming your Dd is facilitating the friend's weed habit.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/06/2023 07:05

Whilst I'm usually in favour of letting things go, I'm not sure I would be happy with my child smoking weed regularly and just accepting it. Of course they are going to experiment but regular weed use can cause damage at that age.

If your daughter is getting her weed from the father I would tell purely for that reason. You need to be the parent here and whilst trust is important, it's not more important than keeping your DD safe.

EllaRaines · 20/06/2023 07:07

Your daughters friend is NOT a lovely young woman as you describe her. She's fifteen and a child and it's not very lovely of her to let her mother think that your daughter is supplying her with drugs!

Tell the mother straight that you have been told it's her disgusting husband that's giving their daughter weed.

The family don't sound very nice at all and if it causes a rift with the two children so be it as the girl sounds like a bad influence.

Mine are adults, there is no way I would have tolerated them smoking weed.

Your daughter is a child not your friend.

SavvyWavvy · 20/06/2023 07:12

The father is not just supplying your daughter’s friend with weed, he’s also supplying your daughter with weed. And you are complicit. You need to speak to him directly. Surely you know where they live?

Lumberingfool · 20/06/2023 07:19

I am also on my 4th teenager and fairly laid back about most teen stuff, including smoking the odd joint.

I would not be laid back about a friend's father regularly supplying either his own child, or mine.

I am not sure what you can do really, but I would be telling him that I know, am unimpressed, and expect my own daughter to receive no further drugs from him, and that he should think on regarding his own daughter. What a terrible man.

lightlypoached · 20/06/2023 07:40

I'm with @lumbering on this.

What I'd do: confirm with my own daughter that she's getting her weed from the girl/dad (which is most likely) and then talk direct to the dad. Tell him that supplying your own DD (CHILD!) with weed is not acceptable and that if he does it again you will report him to the police (who probably won't act, but hey Ho).

Your DD won't be chuffed but talk it through with her and explain your reasons.

An alternative is to talk through options together with both girls. Tell them your dilemma and position and ask them , if they were you what would they do? You'd be amazed at how they can think through a solution for you. Worth a try (I've used that with mine before in a weed related situation and it worked a treat).

2lsinllama · 20/06/2023 10:02

I’m glad to see other posters have an issue with the daughter smoking weed. I thought I was just old and out of touch.
I find the op’s attitude a bit odd to be honest.

tootiredtospeak · 20/06/2023 10:22

So he is giving your daughter weed. The friends father.and you are okay with that. I would not be okay with that. He is supplying children what if it steps up a level.and he becomes her supplier of class A drugs. Are you keeping quiet then.

2lsinllama · 20/06/2023 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TeenageConfusion · 23/06/2023 01:50

Why would this be a troll post?

I'm here.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenageConfusion · 23/06/2023 01:52

I'm not fine about my DD smoking weed.

I think you know I'm not.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 23/06/2023 01:57

Tell the child's DM that you know her DD is getting from her DDad and knowing this you don't want your DD hanging out with her DD till he stops providing it. Tell her to sort it out asap.

Original poster
TeenageConfusion · 23/06/2023 05:35

To 'round up'.

I don't smoke weed. I think it's a very foolish idea for teens to smoke weed. I do not supply weed.

What I do, is understand that teens do stupid things that sometimes are beyond my or any parent's control. I certainly don't encourage it.

I do offer my teens (and their friends) a 'safe space' to talk about where they may doing 'silly stuff', and I will give them harm-control advice whilst not in any way advocating the stupid things that they are doing. I will absolutely point them in the other direction.

How does any of this make me a troll?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 23/06/2023 05:42

The mother has made it your problem, I would tell your daughter 'I will give it a week then tell the mother if no one else does'

Or whatever time frame

newname642 · 23/06/2023 05:52

Just asking what others have already asked - where does your DD get her weed from? And how often is she smoking it? Does she smoke it at home, in her room? Or just when she's out?