A difficult situation!

[TeenageConfusion]

NC for this.

My 15 YO daughter's friend is a lovely young woman who's having a tough time with her mother at the moment.

It's come to light that she's smoking a lot of weed, her mother is under the impression that she's getting it from my daughter, she's actually getting from her father (mother and father are together, obviously not a good and honest relationship).

I've had communication from the mother that she sees my daughter as a bad influence and doesn't want her daughter coming to my house any more.

I do have a very good, open and honest relationship with my daughter (I'm not delusional, or a credulous fool, before anyone says anything!) we really do, which is how I know it's the father of the friend that's supplying her with weed.

I see their friendship as a supportive relationship that they've had for six years. The last time her daughter was here, they got the Schleich horses out, made pancakes and watched movies, we are not a den of iniquity!

And I'm not about to dob the father in, because it's not my job, if I had any communication with him I'd tell him to sort this out, but I don't, and his daughter apparently asked him if she could tell her mother that he was giving her weed.

His response?

'Don't get me involved'.

And I know they'll be a million responses telling me to just tell her, but I can't do that because I'd be breaking a confidence which is the bond of trust between me and my daughter and there's obviously a dynamic in this family that wouldn't be helped by me just lobbing a bomb in it.

Any advice?

I'm not even sure if I need advice, because there's no sensible solution, I guess I'm posting to talk it through.

Your child is being given drugs by the friends father. You need to protect your daughter rather than try to hold onto this friendship.

Dear god, clearly a lot fewer people grew up smoking pounds of weed and grew out of it than I thought. It’s not ideal no, and it shouldn’t be ‘yeah fine whatever’ but at 15 smoking weed absent any other behavioural problems (I mean like poor behaviour, not like ADHD)…. OP I think you’re handling it well.

the dad thing…. Does he live with them? Are we talking ‘good dad’, no indication he would be a weed supplier, potentially a massive issue for the marriage that he even smokes weed? Or is this a Disney dad, possibly has access to harder stuff, bit of a dick type dad?

if the first I’d want proof before even considering telling the other mum and even then maybe not. If the second I’d mention your D said it and leave it to the other mum to investigate.

Either way I’d prob not get massively hung up on clearing her name - in a couple of years they’ll be able to pick the friends they want and as long as your D has other mates it’s just one of those things and will potentially come out in the wash eventually.

Thank you @cimena

You see.

You understand.

I personally would have a hard boundary on drugs so regardless of the father situation I wouldn’t be happy about it being tolerated by another parent.

I feel the way you do about small amounts of alcohol, so I get your logic, but weed has such serious mental health consequences I couldn’t be so relaxed.

@Offwegotosleep, I'm in no way 'relaxed' about weed smoking in teens.

When you talk about 'hard boundaries' and 'tolerance', what do you actually mean? How would your hard boundaries be enacted?

Because, despite the way this thread has gone, I have very firm boundaries and I have also taught my teens to be able to say no, and taught them to be boundaried. It's not up to me to draw nascent adult's lines though. I can only guide.

And that's what I'm trying to do.

Surely a parent's job is to take their offspring to the point of adulthood and them shove them off the cliff? I cannot make choices for a 15 YO. I can guide and provide a soft-landing, which I hope I've done. You cannot tell young adults 'What To Do' though,

I'm quite glad my teens tell me 'stuff', they should be able to tell me 'stuff' without judgement, they absolutely know they can tell me anything, and I'll deal with it, with them, we will talk and find a solution. They're not a passenger in their lives. They're the fucking driver. They own their lives.

And I guess that's what I'm trying to teach them.

My daughter isn't being given drugs by a friend's father.

My daughter's friend's father is giving her weed. Nothing to do with my daughter.

I don’t think her mum knowing the truth will change the end result. She doesn’t want her DD smoking weed so she obviously is not going to want her DD socialising with your DD, regardless of whether she is supplying it. I wouldn’t get involved

This. Exactly. It is not a safe habit, not the same as just "pushing boundaries".

So, older male relatives are supplying your daughter and her friend?
I think it's time for a very clear conversation with her about the damage to her health.

You say that you think your teens should be able to tell you "stuff" - "without judgement".
Well, you may need to judge. It doesn't mean that you won't be supportive or caring or try to work through and find answers, but sometimes things are wrong.

The point of supportive parents is that they do judge - and that goes hand in hand with guidance. Our job is to be the adults in these situations and to make sound judgements as to whether the actions of our teens are wise or safe.

@TeenageConfusion I think you’re doing a fab job. Parenting teens can be fucking hard work and I think the best approach is to stand beside them, as you do, and show them the way.

I think the main thing you wanted to talk through was the issue with your DD’s friend/her mum/her Dad. That’s what had got you stumped isn’t it.

I’m not sure what the answer is either. I think you’re doing marvellously though so keep doing what you’re doing. I reckon these two girls will remain friends and hopefully once they can see each other again, DD friend will come to you for advice about stuff as it sounds like she can’t talk completely openly to mum or dad.

I don’t see what this has to do with you and why you are so concerned?

The father supplying weed? Seems odd - are you sure it’s true?

Also your own daughter smoking weed well clearly she is getting it from the father!!

As you accept she is being a teen I don’t see what your problem is here?

Teen girls fall out with their mothers all the time!!!