A difficult situation!

[TeenageConfusion]

NC for this.

My 15 YO daughter's friend is a lovely young woman who's having a tough time with her mother at the moment.

It's come to light that she's smoking a lot of weed, her mother is under the impression that she's getting it from my daughter, she's actually getting from her father (mother and father are together, obviously not a good and honest relationship).

I've had communication from the mother that she sees my daughter as a bad influence and doesn't want her daughter coming to my house any more.

I do have a very good, open and honest relationship with my daughter (I'm not delusional, or a credulous fool, before anyone says anything!) we really do, which is how I know it's the father of the friend that's supplying her with weed.

I see their friendship as a supportive relationship that they've had for six years. The last time her daughter was here, they got the Schleich horses out, made pancakes and watched movies, we are not a den of iniquity!

And I'm not about to dob the father in, because it's not my job, if I had any communication with him I'd tell him to sort this out, but I don't, and his daughter apparently asked him if she could tell her mother that he was giving her weed.

His response?

'Don't get me involved'.

And I know they'll be a million responses telling me to just tell her, but I can't do that because I'd be breaking a confidence which is the bond of trust between me and my daughter and there's obviously a dynamic in this family that wouldn't be helped by me just lobbing a bomb in it.

Any advice?

I'm not even sure if I need advice, because there's no sensible solution, I guess I'm posting to talk it through.

I have in the past been told things by my children that I have absolutely seen as a safeguarding problem, and have said to the child that disclosed what a friend has said to them 'I am going to have to pass this on', and I have, on more than one occasion.

I am not a feckless fool or a troll.

I'm glad that my teens have a very open relationship with me. They know that they're not going to get an advocation of all their behaviour, but they do know that they, or their friends can tell me things and I will help, I'm not going to judge or get angry. I will help them.

I'm one of five, I've seen a lot of teen parenting. Not all of it good.

I'm certainly not a 'cool parent', I'm very happy to say NO.

I will listen though. It's really annoyed me to be called a troll because of that.

(And when I say 'annoyed', I mean 'slightly irritated')..

Dr Phil once said, "the age you start smoking weed, is the age your brain will stop until you give up". And he's right. I've seen it happen so many times. Being the 'cool' parent, giving me your teen a safe space to be honest and experimental, is far less important than your child's mental health. You should really consider being more harsh about this.

No l @newname642, she doesn't smoke it in the house.

When the friend in question was here last they definitely were smoking it in her room and I told them both that it wasn't OK.

I said, 'I smell that you're smoking weed, I know that you're smoking weed. It's not ok to do that in this house. Please don't.'

I've not smelt it since.

I don't think D does smoke at home other than that. We have a big home and garden, she has her own space, but I'm very attuned to the smell of weed. D and her boyfriend and friends might go up the road or in the fields for a smoke.

I can't tell you more than that!

Thanks for answering. Do you know where she gets it from?

Your daughter also smokes weed. She is sharing it with her friend let's not be in denial over this if her friend also gets it she's sharing with your daughter too so she's right , she is getting it from your daughter and probably multiple other sources

She's perfectly within her rights to try to separate her from any influence that's going to help her smoke weed.

Keep your nose out. Her dad may or may not give his daughter weed but she is definitely getting it from your daughter too

I’m with the others. I would go mental if my DD15 was smoking weed regularly. I would not be having weed smoking teens in my house.

You are focusing on entirely the wrong problem.

You haven’t answered the question: where does your daughter get her weed from ?

And I don't think she smokes 'that often'.

Maybe once a week.

She does have have autism and ADHD, and I absolutely understand that there's an element of self-medication that's going on. I also have therapy with her regularly and one of my sisters is a drug and alcohol counselor.

I get it.

I really do understand substance use and abuse

I know that self-medication isn't a brilliant idea.

I do also know that substances like psilocybin are are quite helpful to people. So not all drugs are 'bad'.

So, I try to navigate the grey area.

I don't know. I haven't asked.

Why would I?

I wouldn't get a sensible answer and what would I do with that knowledge anyway?

I don't think the police are interested in where teens get their weed.

I would want to at least make sure that the friends father wasn't supplying my daughter

I'm pretty sure he isn't @MissSmiley.

This thread seems to have gone sideways.

But. I think I have the answer I was looking for.

Because if it's via your DD friend then she is dealing. If your DD friend is getting it from your DD then your DD is dealing.

Why do you think weed is a good idea (or even benign) for a teen with ADHD? Notwithstanding the tobacco damage.

So you don’t have a good, open and honest relationship with your teen!

You seem remarkably OK with your teen smoking weed. (I doubt it is once a week) And you dismiss it as self medicating.

It is relevant where the drugs come from if the parent of this friend thinks your child is the source.

I knew this thread would turn into a sanctimonious kicking.
Sigh. 🙄

Er, you do realise that weed can be laced with all sorts? The least you can do is try and find out where she's getting it from.

Why would you not get a sensible answer from a DD who you say you have an open and trustworthy relationship with?

You seem to think you have some sort of handle on your DD smoking weed, eventhough you say you're not a fan of it, but she's smoking it in her room, being supplied by God knows who, and wouldn't tell you where she gets it. How on earth are you looking out for her best interests in all this? How are you keeping her safe?

Quite honestly, I'm not surprised that the mother of your daughters friend doesn't want her kid spending time at your house and thinks your DD is a bad influence - I would argue YOU are the bad influence allowing and enabling this sort of behaviour and activity in and around your home, and involving someone elses child in the 'cool' circus too.

Oh god, it’s way too early for this shit.

OP, issue of your DD’s friend aside, you need to find out who is supplying YOUR daughter and whether it is safe.

You’re the adult in all this and have a responsibility to safeguard. The gist is that an adult is providing drugs to a minor, one of whom is your child. It’s only cannabis now but what will it be next? Speed? Coke? Will these minors develop an addiction to something illegal? Secondly your daughters supportive network is at risk because of a misunderstanding. I think you just need to be honest with your daughter and explain that being a parent you have a duty of care to her and you’re very sorry to break her confidence but you need her to trust your judgement. Talk to her about the next step you will take. Explain you hope it will support the girls friendship

In your shoes I’d text the mum back ‘My observation is that their friendship is a supportive relationship that they've had for six years. The last time x was here, the girls got the Schleich horses out, made pancakes and watched movies. We are not a den of iniquity I promise and my daughter is so sad at being blamed for the cannabis. Daughter has told me who’s supplying the girls with cannabis and it’s your partner. While I don’t mind them having the odd discreet joint, it would be worrying if x developed a habit or started to access harder drugs through partner. If you want to talk some more let’s meet up for coffee’

I am not ok with teens smoking weed.

And I guess if I asked, she would tell me. But that's not information I'd use.

In the past, when my children have told me disturbing information, I've told them why that's not ok, and why I'm going to pass it on. I've always told them it's ok to tell me things.

I don't think there would be any use for D to tell me where she gets her weed from. What would I actually do with that particular information? I wouldn't inform the police about someone that's supplying weed to teenagers. Unless there was an element of grooming there there's nothing really to tell.

And they wouldn't be interested.

It's also useful to know that my husband is Dutch and one of seven and half of his siblings use weed regularly and legally, and his step-mother is a social worker.

So! It's very difficult to philosophically actually say 'drugs are bad', whilst half of the family legally and sensibly use them.

I remain not a fan of weed. I think modern hybrids are terrible and 'not good'. I do think that harm reduction and open conversion is probably best though.

So how do you know that your daughter doesn't give the friend weed when you have t had that conversation? Her mum may not be totally wrong.

Tbh she is well within her rights to want to reduce contact with a family that are quite so free and easy about their kids smoking drugs.

Because it’s relevant If she’s buying for her use or dealing to friends. Because if it’s someone she can trust she is likely to be safer.
Youre not ok with them smoking weed but family use it and you’re not a fan? Such weak language. It’s not ok. It’s not legal here.

You are not making any sense whatsoever. First of all you paint your daughter as a complete innocent and say oh, she's being blamed for supplying weed when all they do is paint model figurines when they're at my house!

Then you say oh yes, she does smoke weed regularly and I have no idea where she gets it from. What are you talking about? Why don't you know where she gets that from? Why has it never ever occurred to you to ask? That doesn't make any sense.

It sounds crazy that the girl is getting it from her father and you haven't asked where are your daughter is getting it from. They are clearly both getting it from the same place!

Her fathers response doesn't make any sense. Don't go painting yourself as a complete innocent when you talk to this girl's mother.

I can't believe how quickly this went from the op's daughter being a wholesome and innocent teen playing with toy horses and making pancakes to, actually she smokes weed too. And in her house (which isn't a den of iniquity).

In light of that fact, I can see why the other girl's mum wants her daughter to stay away. Maybe she also has an open and honest relationship with her kid who has told her they've smoked weed at your house. But just like your daughter she's reluctant to say where she gets the weed from (or just like you, op, she hasn't asked).

If you really think the dad is supplying it you could always make an anonymous tip off to the police online or social services.

Why wouldn't you be concerned where she is getting it from? I would be concerned that my daughter is meeting adults to collect drugs potentially and then it could easily turn into grooming.

I'm sorry OP, but I think that your daughter is lying about the friends dad, and your DD is the supplier. They are using your openness against you, I also know teens, and they can be as sneaky AF...when they see an opportunity. I've been a teen and did the same things to my mum. I think you need to step up, stop being the friend and trying to be cool, be the parent, and get to the truth. It feels like the other mum has beaten you there

Cool.

You can batter me to death if it makes you feel good.

BUT

There is absolutely nowhere I 'paint my daughter as innocent' (terrible phrase btw).

I never said anything other than;

My daughter has a lovely friend who is currently not getting on with her mother.

Her mother thinks my daughter is a bad influence and supplying weed.

Her daughter is actually getting weed from her father.

I do know that my daughter smokes weed occasionally.

She does not get it from us.

I do not approve.

Whilst not approving, I am also able to have open and honest communication with my teenagers.

About things they know I don't approve of, advocate for, or encourage.

They also know that if they tell me things that are happening that are harmful to them or others, I will inform people that are far more qualified than me to help, or indeed prosecute.

I have absolutely no problem 'dobbing miscreants in to the police'.

I'm not sure why I've been very swiftly been painted as a feckless parent.

I'm not.