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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD - Inappropriate online behaviour

65 replies

Aisleseat · 14/06/2023 06:34

I’m struggling so much with my DD(14) over the past 2 months and her behaviour online. I apologise for this lengthy post but I’m just at a loss as to what I should do next.
To give some background, this is a girl who has always struggled to integrate with a friend group. She’s always been on the edge of groups and more often than not is left out. I think fear of rejection stops her from asking people if they want to meet up yet she then sees people living their best lives online and wonders why she isn’t involved.

In May I became worried about her reliance on her phone, secrecy and a change in attitude. It was getting worse so after another sleepless night I went with my gut and looked at her Snapchat. I know they all have loads of people on there that they’ve never met but hers was awash with guys names from all over the country - complete strangers.
When I delved deeper the interaction with some of these guys just shocked me - videos, voice messages, nudity and extremely explicit content (from both sides). This was going on in rooms all over the house.
Both her Dad and I raised it with her and she was mortified but admitted to liking adding strangers and loving the attention that they were giving her when she shared this content and did as they asked.
My heart was completely broken and we explained how wrong it was. We removed the phone for 3 weeks and it was torture. At the end of this we sat her down, told her that we were giving her back the phone but that she needed to create a new account and to not be dragged into this attention seeking behaviour again. She could only use the phone while in a room with one of us and while she was not happy with these conditions, she went with it.
All good for 2 weeks and then the Sunday before last i need to run to the supermarket and her Dad is out. She is at home for 40 minutes on her own. When I get back, her behaviour yet again arouses suspicion. She’s over the top nice, helpful, hugging me etc.
So that evening I check the phone again and she’s been in contact with one of the previous lads apologising for not being in touch but that she can’t share that content with him anymore. He has said that he doesn’t mind but continues to ask, overloading her with compliments etc. The second I leave the house she has gone upstairs, stripped off and videoed herself simulating sex with various items as requested.
I lost my head with her and begged her to stop, she admits that she knows that it’s wrong and won’t do it again. I’m now at the stage where she has to be with me constantly as I can’t trust her to be alone. It’s utterly exhausting - I can’t even go for a walk if her dad hasn’t come home from work because she just can’t be trusted.

The final straw was yesterday when yet again I could sense the attitude change again, I asked to look at her phone and she is chatting to a guy - fairly usual teen flirting - but it transpires that he’s a stranger again. I tell her that I’m taking her phone and she physically confronts me not allowing me to leave the house to collect her sister begging for her phone.
After being thumped, scraped and pushed I finally get out to my car with the phone in my hand. I’ve had time now to look at it and she’s set up additional snap accounts to communicate with previous guys who have all been the recipients of her previous explicit content. The devastating thing is that she’s telling them that she can’t share any more content but wants to be friends with them. I’m sure you can understand that this is only going to end up with her doing the same thing again.

Im utterly devastated and don’t know what to do next. She now has no contact again with any of her peers but I just can’t trust her with a phone. I bloody well despise Snapchat now !
I’ve thought about seeking therapy or counselling for her to work on her self-esteem and self worth but don’t know if I’m just grasping at straws and it will be a waste of time and money.
How in the name of god am I going to get her through this without losing all of our sanity.

OP posts:
sailrunski · 14/06/2023 06:38

Have you got a Harmful Sexualised Behaviour service near you?

Newusernameaug · 14/06/2023 06:44

100% get her into therapy ASAP! CBT might be a good bet, to try and get her brain rewired so she’s not seeking this high from strangers, it’s an addiction and needs to be dealt with as such, and needs professional help.

katmarie · 14/06/2023 06:49

How old are the people she is talking to? Have you considered reporting them to the police?

Beachhutnut · 14/06/2023 06:50

Won't the police be interested in these strangers receiving images from a child?

Beachhutnut · 14/06/2023 06:51

I would report op. She is vulnerable.

Original poster
Aisleseat · 14/06/2023 06:54

@sailrunski I wasn’t aware of this service but will definitely look into it asap. Thanks for suggesting, I’ll try absolutely anything

OP posts:
BHRK · 14/06/2023 06:54

i would report this to the police as she is being coerced. These men are receiving sexual images of a child.
she needs therapy and I think I’d keep her phone until you have a solution. Someone will be along soon with proper help

Original poster
Aisleseat · 14/06/2023 06:57

@katmarie they appear to all be the same age as herself. We’ve covered all of the legal and criminal implications with her already in the hope that it would hit home but it just doesn’t seem to have registered. As it stands, I’ve explained to her that what she has shared amounts to illegal content which is why I’m just at the end of my tether as to why this isn’t sinking in.

OP posts:
sashh · 14/06/2023 07:11

OP

Your DD has been groomed. Stop blaming her, she is a victim.

I'd take the phone to the police, technically your DD has committed several crimes but the police will be more interested in the men she is talking to.

If they are grooming your DD they are doing it to others.

unsync · 14/06/2023 07:11

The age of the recipients is irrelevant. You should be reporting this to the police. The content could well be going further than you realise. I would be keeping the phone and replacing it with a non-smart phone.

Wolfpa · 14/06/2023 07:12

If there is no specific service near you the NSPCC have resources to help.

Have you spoken about the legal implications to her? I think it’s an outdated rule and things rarely get prosecuted but she is producing and distributing child pornography. There are instances in the past where this has resulted in them being placed on a register making life much more difficult in the future.

Maybe a chat about these consequences may help her think a little before she sends any more.

katmarie · 14/06/2023 07:14

I think this is so difficult, but I think I would be talking to a number of people, the gp, the police, perhaps her school if the pastoral care is any good. You need lots of help here I think.

Also how feasible is it to remove her phone entirely? She's clearly not mature enough to be trusted with it at the moment. If you remove it does she have access to any other devices?

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 14/06/2023 07:15

How do you know they are the same age as her? Surely this is what groomers do, pretend they are the same age and like the same things etc. I would take the phone to the police.

Original poster
Aisleseat · 14/06/2023 07:19

@sashh thanks for your response. I know im so angry and defeated right now but im trying to be mindful of blaming her. It’s bloody hard.
We have been thinking about the police and while initially we were ashamed I know that reporting is the right thing to do.
The only issue that I see is that because it is all on Snapchat, most of the content has been erased and the users deactivated when she flagged to them that her phone had been compromised.
I feel her composure when tackling the fallout with these guys is nearly as upsetting as the content

OP posts:
MrsMo21 · 14/06/2023 07:29

Hi @Aisleseat Im a Safeguarding Lead in a school. Your daughter has been a victim of abuse and isn’t old enough to fully understand what has been happening to her.
In the first instance, reach out the safeguarding lead at her school to set up a meeting. Go through with them what has been happening.
In our local authority, we have branches of social care such as Early Help or Enabling Families who support parents who have children who are victims of abuse. SS can get a bad rap but in our area they’ve made real changes to families. You can refer yourself or ask the school DSL to do so.
You also need to notify the police - it could be that some of the people she’s speaking to have bigger pictures of their own and if it’s also children asking for these images then they need to be highlighted to authorities so that they can get the support that they need.
These are not healthy sexual behaviours for a girl of her age and my advice would be to remove the phone and replace it with one that doesn’t have internet capabilities for the time being.

GiantCheeseMonster · 14/06/2023 07:38

I work in social services and was previously a school DSL

GiantCheeseMonster · 14/06/2023 07:38

I work in social services and was previously a school DSL. Please phone school and ask to make an appointment with the DSL and pastoral lead/HoY. They can support you with a referral to Early Help and will know what services are available in your area for children who are victims of CSE (child sexual exploitation). You also need to bear in mind the possibility that these pictures have been shared widely and have reached pupils in her school (I sadly had a few instances of this) and the DSL needs to know to support you and her if this has happened. In the meantime, you have done the right thing by removing the phone from her. Frame it in your mind and conversation with her that it’s not a punishment, it is you keeping her safe which is absolutely the right thing to do.

Zola1 · 14/06/2023 08:01

sailrunski · 14/06/2023 06:38

Have you got a Harmful Sexualised Behaviour service near you?

This isn't HSB. I'm an AIM assessor and wouldn't touch this.

pinkginfizz9 · 14/06/2023 08:04

unsync · 14/06/2023 07:11

The age of the recipients is irrelevant. You should be reporting this to the police. The content could well be going further than you realise. I would be keeping the phone and replacing it with a non-smart phone.

Surely their age is relevant.If t hey are underage your daughter has committed a crime sending them this content

Zola1 · 14/06/2023 08:06

Also mum of a 13 yo ans previous CSE worker, I wear a lot of work hats ha.
I think you completely get rid of the phone for a while, give her a brick phone to stay in touch. Get her involved with whatever activities you can.. are there things like a girls project, a youth zone, a women's enterprise centre etc near you? Those places tend to have positive groups for teenage girls. I would look to get her into something she's talented at too. Whether a sport, a creative hobby etc.
IMO this needs to be about meeting the need it's fulfilling for her. If she's lonely and craves positive attention then hopefully some activities will help her self esteem and help her form some mutually positive relationships. Can you encourage her to invite a friend over for a pizza and films sleepover? Can you keep her busy with you?
There are lots of resources out there but something the girls I work with always find helpful is to think about where the photos and videos could end up, what if they were shared around school (any of these people could be a cat fish etc). There are also plenty of stories of teenagers being blackmailed to send more and more explicit and damaging content, or even to sexually harm others, with the threat of the content they already shared being sent to their parents or school etc.

sailrunski · 14/06/2023 08:08

Aisleseat · 14/06/2023 06:54

@sailrunski I wasn’t aware of this service but will definitely look into it asap. Thanks for suggesting, I’ll try absolutely anything

They should be able to talk you through it, outline the safeguarding response and signpost you to counselling services - they may have one attached.

wildfirewonder · 14/06/2023 08:13

First thing is buy her a basic phone and ditch the smartphone.

You need to stop expecting her to police this for herself.

Get advice from police.

She is a victim of grooming.

Mischance · 14/06/2023 08:20

Just wanted to say I am sorry you are all going through this. It is so very hard to keep children away from this stuff. I hope some if the advice above will help you to navigate this and help DD out the other side of it.

WestSouthWest · 14/06/2023 08:23

Oh god OP it sounds awful and you must be going out of your mind with worry. In your situation I would be discussing urgently with the school and also involving the police. She is 14 years old and being groomed and exploited online. I would also remove all internet access while this is looked into, be careful someone doesn’t give her a spare phone as teens can be sneaky when it comes to phones. It also sounds like she has low self esteem and is seeking validation through this behaviour, not realising how harmful it is and the negative consequences. Perhaps counselling and some positive activities to raise her self esteem might help.

Beatrixpottersdog · 14/06/2023 08:43

How awful.
Basic phone. No to limited online access, no apps, shite camera. She's being groomed online, the safest thing to do is stop the online access. You cannot trust her to keep away if it is an option, she wants to feel liked/ popular and validated. Sign her up for scouts, find out about any youth groups near you. She needs support and friends in real life.

Contact police for advice, and she needs therapy too.