DD - Inappropriate online behaviour

[Aisleseat]

I’m struggling so much with my DD(14) over the past 2 months and her behaviour online. I apologise for this lengthy post but I’m just at a loss as to what I should do next.
To give some background, this is a girl who has always struggled to integrate with a friend group. She’s always been on the edge of groups and more often than not is left out. I think fear of rejection stops her from asking people if they want to meet up yet she then sees people living their best lives online and wonders why she isn’t involved.

In May I became worried about her reliance on her phone, secrecy and a change in attitude. It was getting worse so after another sleepless night I went with my gut and looked at her Snapchat. I know they all have loads of people on there that they’ve never met but hers was awash with guys names from all over the country - complete strangers.
When I delved deeper the interaction with some of these guys just shocked me - videos, voice messages, nudity and extremely explicit content (from both sides). This was going on in rooms all over the house.
Both her Dad and I raised it with her and she was mortified but admitted to liking adding strangers and loving the attention that they were giving her when she shared this content and did as they asked.
My heart was completely broken and we explained how wrong it was. We removed the phone for 3 weeks and it was torture. At the end of this we sat her down, told her that we were giving her back the phone but that she needed to create a new account and to not be dragged into this attention seeking behaviour again. She could only use the phone while in a room with one of us and while she was not happy with these conditions, she went with it.
All good for 2 weeks and then the Sunday before last i need to run to the supermarket and her Dad is out. She is at home for 40 minutes on her own. When I get back, her behaviour yet again arouses suspicion. She’s over the top nice, helpful, hugging me etc.
So that evening I check the phone again and she’s been in contact with one of the previous lads apologising for not being in touch but that she can’t share that content with him anymore. He has said that he doesn’t mind but continues to ask, overloading her with compliments etc. The second I leave the house she has gone upstairs, stripped off and videoed herself simulating sex with various items as requested.
I lost my head with her and begged her to stop, she admits that she knows that it’s wrong and won’t do it again. I’m now at the stage where she has to be with me constantly as I can’t trust her to be alone. It’s utterly exhausting - I can’t even go for a walk if her dad hasn’t come home from work because she just can’t be trusted.

The final straw was yesterday when yet again I could sense the attitude change again, I asked to look at her phone and she is chatting to a guy - fairly usual teen flirting - but it transpires that he’s a stranger again. I tell her that I’m taking her phone and she physically confronts me not allowing me to leave the house to collect her sister begging for her phone.
After being thumped, scraped and pushed I finally get out to my car with the phone in my hand. I’ve had time now to look at it and she’s set up additional snap accounts to communicate with previous guys who have all been the recipients of her previous explicit content. The devastating thing is that she’s telling them that she can’t share any more content but wants to be friends with them. I’m sure you can understand that this is only going to end up with her doing the same thing again.

Im utterly devastated and don’t know what to do next. She now has no contact again with any of her peers but I just can’t trust her with a phone. I bloody well despise Snapchat now !
I’ve thought about seeking therapy or counselling for her to work on her self-esteem and self worth but don’t know if I’m just grasping at straws and it will be a waste of time and money.
How in the name of god am I going to get her through this without losing all of our sanity.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I’m so overwhelmed.
I really appreciate all of your suggestions and will work on a plan of action today.
What has come out of a rock bottom post first thing this morning has given me hope and for that I thank you all x

No, she is being coerced. She is the victim not the perpetrator. She is being preyed on by males, who are manipulating her.

I’m sorry that you’re both going through this OP. You should definitely speak to your GP and get her therapy.

Not to scare you, but certain mental health conditions can cause children to exhibit hypersexuality, which makes them more vulnerable to groomers, especially around puberty. I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s something to be aware of.

@Aisleseat
So sorry to hear what you are going through. It is heartbreaking for any parent.
I offer solidarity as I am in a similar position.
I hate snapchat!!!!
DD almost 16 is chatting with random boys and spending hours making phone calls well into the night.
We were shocked to find this out as she is in the midst of GCSE.
I had a gut feeling things are not right (we have had issued before) but considering she is close to 16 haven't been checking her phone.
We found out yesterday when her phone contract came up for renewal and we were looking at the bills and 2 numbers came up repeatedly flagging overnight calls lasting hours.
I am at a loss! Don't have any words of advice...
Sorry to hijack too.
Xx

Snapchat doesn't actually delete the content, it makes the file in such a way that it tells a search to ignore it, the police can get it back.

Be angry at the apps, at the men who use them to contact children, be angry at society.

We all did stupid things as teens but is was harder for dodgy people to interact with us anonymously.

Has she seen 'Kayleigh's love story'?

I used to be HOY in secondary and have worked with vulnerable young people.

100% you need as much help as possible immediately.

1. School HOY, safeguarding lead. Meeting and ask for referrals to local services.
2. Police. They will be able to speak to your daughter about the ramifications of sharing this content. It's important not to blamed her or shame her but she needs protection as a victim and these men may be sharing this content or be older predators.

3 yes yes yes to therapy - ASAP. Absolutely NOT a waste of money. Private therapy will be quicker to access sadly and she could choose a practitioner she feels comfortable with.

1. Brick phone, change WiFi password st home, password locks and security on all devices.

Yes agree with everything others have said about building her self esteem. My goodness she needs to build her self confidence.

Definitely find activities and clubs she might enjoy and somewhere she can make friends outside of school eg local youth theatre, dance, sports, outdoors, rock climbing??? Obviously let her choose.

Look for positive female role models who promote strong healthy boundaries and self respect. These could be in real life or famous women. Can the school find her a positive female mentor? (6th former or younger teacher?) Try to find things to engage your DD along these lines - take her to art exhibitions, concerts, festivals, theatre, spoken word, sport events (eg lionesses) read books by women, or whatever she's slightly interested in where strong women are represented.

In Phillippa Perry's book (The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read) she talks about a technique she calls love-bombing, where once every now and then a parent spends a full day with their child and for the entire day the rule is they let the child choose everything they do (as long as it's safe) eg what they do, the activities, where they go, what they eat etc. even if it's junk food - she even suggests going to a hotel if you can afford it. The child has total agency and the parent gives them their full attention and focus for the whole day (She explains it better than I have in her book). I think your DD would benefit from something like this.

Above all she is desperately seeking validation and you need to find and provide positive sources of validation and achievement so that she learns to respect and love herself.

There is absolutely nothing in the op's posts to suggest she is being coerced .Do you understand what coerced means? It doesn't mean asked, or even nagged , it means she is being subjected to threats.There is absolutely no evidence she is nit sending these pictures happily and willingly.Neither is their evidence to say these young boys aren't who they purport to be.It is a crime to send this content to another child!

In fact by the ops own admission , she loves sending this content.Be very wary of going to tge police or it may be your child that is the one in trouble.I have known this to happen before.

Nothing good has ever come from a child using Snapchat in my opinion. That's why its known as SexChat!

There's a reason why basic "dumb" phones are increasing popular with kids (and not just with parents for their kids!)...relief from the pressure of participation in the shitshow of social media (and lasting negative consequences) may be exactly what she needs right now.

I hope you and DD are ok.

I'm going to put another perspective on this thread in case you need a first-hand account:

6 years ago I was her age, doing the exact same things but in a much worse way. I started at 12 because I had no validation or confidence in real life and was bullied at school. I thought I was much more mature than everyone else. I sent things to any boys who charmed me enough and made me feel special - they would talk innocently to me for weeks; I'd get home from school and excitedly chat to them. Then, they would start asking for sexual exchanges over Kik, Snapchat, Discord (a very prominent app for dating and sexual content in particular) and Instagram, which I did, because they claimed they loved me. This continued up until I was 15, when I found out that two older boys online had been sharing my pictures with other players - after I had been exchanging pictures with one of them. I met them on an online game and had trusted them, thinking they were my friends. In reality, they were groomers who actively participated in gore and pornography forums, and loved to lure younger girls in only to share their pictures and chats and expose them on sites such as Twitter.

Those pictures had been seen by hundreds of people online and I started being stalked and harassed for two years, with threats to harm myself and my family. God knows where else my child pictures have ended up. My parents did not monitor me on the internet and I am so glad that parents are now doing so because the web is a dangerous, scary world. I know many other women who fell victim to the same fate that I did as teenagers. Do not let your daughter continue this. Do whatever you have to. I now work with teenagers to prevent crime and safeguarding issues because of the effects I endured - I never want to see it happen to any young person again. PLEASE go to her school's safeguarding team and get her help.

Happy health 14 year olds with no self esteem issues are not doing this. This is the behavior of someone being groomed or coerced, and we don't know if she has been threatened.

There's been some good advice shared here. I know your daughter appears to have been using SnapChat, but if she has nude images or videos (of herself) on her phone, you can use Report Remove to help make sure that they're removed if they are shared online - https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-reporting/report-remove/

Hand the phone over to the police - see if they will look into the guys she's been in contact with.

This is beyond inappropriate. this is basically a crime

You have a child who is being groomed by predators - stop blaming her and go to the police immediately. - Some of the people she is sharing images with may be grown men who are recirculating them online

I know how hard this situation is but try to reframe this - your daughter is not the offender here she is being manipulated.

Even if they are also teenagers - she is vulnerable here - please don't expect her to control this situation herself she is clearly not able to.

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/ contact ceops

Police this is criminal, her photos could be shared all over the internet. She’s a victim of grooming. Get her phone to the police and she’ll need a basic handset with no social media

And I think some help with counselling I know it’s not easy to access but I would think the best way is to try not judge or punish her but to talk to her and try distract with other activities. Good luck with everything

DSL at school urgently. Pastoral care at school. GP referral to CAHMS.
CEOP and police
if you can afford it then private psychotherapy

Definitely speak to the police, or look at CEOP I am sure you can report online too.

Remove the phone, unfortunately she can't have that now. Or buy her a basic one that she can text and call on, but no smart phone.

Speak to school, you may not want to do this but they can help, they will know the local services and can refer into them and speak to you and DD. Services are there to help in these exact situations including those linked in with social services. She has been groomed regardless of the age of the people she's chatting to and there is lots of support for this but it will require specialist support.

Just to add to what other people have said, you are NOT alone in this. There are specific teams now within social services who deal with xhild exploitation, this is what it is. Please reach put to them via your school SG lead, you can't deal with this on your own.

Hi OP,
I know your post is a year old, but if you don’t mind sharing an update on how your daughter is getting on?

your description of the background of your daughter and her addiction with extreme negative attention online could have been written by me. We are really struggling and are currently in the same situation you were in.

how is your daughter now?
have things improved ?
what would you advise with our dd?
so far we’ve confiscated devices only to find secret devices, ( old phones) log on to laptops , or just makenew accounts.

if local servicee, therapy helped - please direct this info to us.

I’ve just realised this is an old post and hope you received the support your daughter needed at the time.

I saw your post on this thread @AdvicePleas We are in a similar situation with our teen DD, lack of friends. We were advised to refer her to Vulnerable Services Team because she ASD & 16+. during milder episodes in the past we blocked snapchat on phone and that helped a lot, she has had therapy but the problem has returned, mainly due to no job. Like you say it's an addiction. Hard times😔

It’s really scary isnt it?
I’m afraid and sad for her , the awful things that could happen and why shes doing it.
I wanted to instil my child with high self esteem and feel like I’ve done something wrong.
We suspect our daughter has ADHD as all the signs are there and I wonder if she does have ASD- her sibling has it and it’s so hard to getting girl’s diagnosed.