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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Wish I'd never had children

62 replies

MaybeWednesday · 12/05/2023 10:55

Just so so sad.

I have 2 teenagers and an older kid (32). 2 different dads.

Middle kid (19) home from uni for a week. Not seem them since I picked them up. 8 hours round trip drive for me.

Youngest (17) utterly fucking vile.

Eldest living their best life, no kids. Second home in the sun. Couple of houses. Doing amazing. Financially secure. Left uni no debt as I paid for it.

I'm a single mother and have done without so they have a good life, own cars, holidays etc.

Struggle every day for money.

I'm no walkover, they've been expected to help around the house since they were little. Taking it in turns to cook dinner etc.

What have I got to show for it? 3 kids I'm incredibly proud of.

But that's it. When youngest leaves, I'm selling up and going to live my best life. I'll be early 60's and feel I've just been a slave to a bunch of ungrateful brats for over 30 years.

What was the point of it all?

OP posts:
Fififizz · 12/05/2023 13:28

It sounds as though you’ve done an amazing job with your kids but putting that on one side I’m not sure what women are told about their role as mothers and expectations matches up with reality. I feel like I had the child but I didn’t get the ‘village’ that I assumed was out there to help support me. It’s lonely and difficult. You’ve come through though and deserve to focus on what you want. I also think the menopause does this. Without all the oestrogen the scales fall from our eyes and we see things somewhat differently. Or maybe that’s just me! You deserve your dream OP!

Dermadirj · 12/05/2023 13:31

Do you have a good relationship with your older child?

Hopefully you relationship with the younger two will improve when they mature a bit more.

But true to out yourself first more often and do the things you want to as much as possible now.

Don't rely on your kids to make you happy. Try and find that happiness for yourself x

ladykale · 12/05/2023 13:31

Sounds like you need to live for yourself a bit more?

Let the kids take out student loans instead of funding them all through uni to your own detriment,

What makes the 17yo so vile? Sometimes it's a phase and as they get older they become more appreciative of things.

But this post really shows that women shouldn't just live for their kids and should make sure they save and also have a fulfilling life

WilkinsonM · 12/05/2023 13:32

Are you proud of them or are they vile? It's hard to tell!

BrutusMcDogface · 12/05/2023 13:32

I suppose your post is a good advert/reminder to women not to sacrifice themselves completely for their children. I have four and have returned to my career. When they were younger I gave them 100% at the expense of my mental health. Now that my youngest is a bit older, I’m trying to find hobbies 😳😂

I adore them completely and utterly, but I know they will leave to live their own lives one day!

LongTermLurker · 12/05/2023 13:34

I wonder if you're feeling this way mostly because dc17 is so vile at the moment, and that's making the whole parenting malarkey feel particularly shit?

On a practical note, DC19 can get themself home from uni. No need for you to do that drive!

YouJustDoYou · 12/05/2023 13:36

I've seen so, so many mothers left at home in their older age whilst kids grow up, move away and then live their own lives, barely ever calling or visiting. It's just modern life I suppose for many. But those same mums need to make their own lives post-kids.

readbooksdrinktea · 12/05/2023 13:37

WilkinsonM · 12/05/2023 13:32

Are you proud of them or are they vile? It's hard to tell!

This tbh. You don't sound especially proud. More a bit bitter. But teens are hard work, judging from my friends' children, so I actually understand that.

titchy · 12/05/2023 13:39

Why on earth did you do an 8 hour round trip to pick up for a weeks break? One of mine is an hour away - no chance am I picking up unless it's the end of year house move! And again why fully fund uni to the detriment of your own life, pension etc?

I know you said you're not a walkover but it looks like you are...

SpringCherryPie · 12/05/2023 13:40

I don’t think parenting is giving with a hope of return. It’s just… giving.

I have a lovely son, who has severe disabilities. I have sacrificed my pension, my career, my ability to go where I please and dating is really hard. It was the right thing to do, as a parent I took my role seriously, I have friends say ‘but what about your life’ - shall I dump my child then?! DS will never leave home and I will never have ‘my’ life. Of course I fit in loads of ‘me’ stuff - I am a musician and carry on with that. But the idea that I need to have it ‘returned’ to me - well that’s never going to happen!

This IS my life. I chose parenting. You chose parenting. We did it well hopefully. That’s it.

Rowthe · 12/05/2023 13:43

It's a bit confusing what you expect from them?

You seem to have done your job well.
I'm just confused about what you expect.

The 17 year will mature and wont be vile forever. You just just need to find something to occupy yourself that isnt your kids.

Rowthe · 12/05/2023 13:44

Also you say they stuff around the house, chores and cooking but then in another sentence say that they are ungrateful brats.

If they are doing stuff around the house, what is that you expect from them that you arent getting?

itsmellslikepopcarn · 12/05/2023 13:50

I mean, this is what parenting is, isn’t it? It’s not transactional. I don’t expect my DD to be grateful that I give up buying myself whatever I fancy to make sure she has everything she wants and needs, because I chose to have her and become a parent? Sure it would be nice for a bit of recognition but ultimately you chose to be a parent, pay for children’s university etc.

Motnight · 12/05/2023 13:50

I am not sure what you actually feel You say that you are proud of your kids but you don't sound it. You mention that you paid for at least one child to go to university yet seem envious that they are financially stable.

Don't use your children as excuses to stop you having a good life now. Don't do an 8 hour round trip if you don't want to. It makes you seem a bit martyrish.

BackAgainstWall · 12/05/2023 13:53

Often feel like that myself, but then I see glimpses of light. Don’t give up, but live your life now and do what makes YOU happy and content 💐💐💐

MintJulia · 12/05/2023 13:57

An eight hour round trip !! Why would you do that? That's what coach services are for. Or a student rail card. 19 is an adult. Tell them to make their own way home.

I'm also a single mum. I didn't have my (only) ds until 45. I'll put 18 years in until he heads off to uni or gainful employment. Then I'm retiring, moving somewhere less expensive and while he will always be welcome, travel, bills, laundry and logistics will be down to him.

thecatsmeows · 12/05/2023 13:58

Is that you, Mum?

Seriously, my mother could have posted this. Sounds like you now expect some sort of 'reward' for having bought your children up...it all sounds very transactional. But the thing is - your children didn't agree to this arrangement, they had no say in you bringing them into the world. That was your decision alone. Now they are getting older, you are feeling 'hard done by', your investment isn't giving you the return you were expecting...

As the child on the end of this, it's horrible having a very bitter mother who makes it pretty clear she regrets having us. It makes me want to spend less time with her - in the end I'm not responsible for her happiness.

billycat321 · 12/05/2023 13:59

When I was at teachers' training college, (they had them then!) fleets of cars would arrive to drop off/ collect their offspring. My father, a farm labourer, never owned a car in his life. I managed perfectly well using public transport. Suggest your darlings do the same. 'Stuff' could be sent via DHL or similar

Happiestathome · 12/05/2023 14:02

I’m feeling like you at the moment. I know we do and give up all these things because we choose to, and whilst it is right that our kids don’t owe us anything for that, it still really hurts when they act like they couldn’t care less about us.

bobbysock · 12/05/2023 14:05

thecatsmeows · 12/05/2023 13:58

Is that you, Mum?

Seriously, my mother could have posted this. Sounds like you now expect some sort of 'reward' for having bought your children up...it all sounds very transactional. But the thing is - your children didn't agree to this arrangement, they had no say in you bringing them into the world. That was your decision alone. Now they are getting older, you are feeling 'hard done by', your investment isn't giving you the return you were expecting...

As the child on the end of this, it's horrible having a very bitter mother who makes it pretty clear she regrets having us. It makes me want to spend less time with her - in the end I'm not responsible for her happiness.

Your mum might be bitter like you say, but you sound cold as stone tbf.

Rowthe · 12/05/2023 14:06

I guess it's weird.

In other cultures depending on their sex, the child would stay with you and possibly take care of you, pay your bills? But you a nice house. Move in with their partner? Is that what you want or expect?

You havent mentioned the sexes of the kids and I'm not gonna stereotype any behaviours of kids of either sex.

Its difficult to comment without further information.

Blossombathing · 12/05/2023 14:06

It sounds like you felt you gave, and are still giving too much of yourself. Take a step back from parenting and try some self care - it is likely to have a huge impact on your relationships if you put the same amount of energy into yourself and your needs.

Blossombathing · 12/05/2023 14:08

bobbysock · 12/05/2023 14:05

Your mum might be bitter like you say, but you sound cold as stone tbf.

Show quote history

I think children that have loaded expectations will pull away.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 12/05/2023 14:12

Step back a little. Let the middle one take a bus or train or whatever. Ignore the youngest but don't put up with any disrespect. Try to do something for yourself ( easier said than done). You have done well in single parenting. Now take a little time to rest on your laurels.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 12/05/2023 14:16

I also think the menopause does this. Without all the oestrogen the scales fall from our eyes and we see things somewhat differently.

Agree with this too. It's biology. Otherwise you would move in with your son at uni!

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