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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

No idea what to do now

60 replies

Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 18:29

Have posted about my D17 several times. We are going through a horrific patch, so much so that I feel I can't live here anymore. She is rude, abusive, lies, agressive ..... failing at school. Hanging round with unsuitable friends. I feel I have lost her. She is getting support- psychologist, tutoring at school etc. Her father and I are not monsters but we have raised one. I am tearful and to be honest traumatised by the stuff she has said. I really don't know what to do now. I thought about not coming home today, running away as I can't bear the constant conflict if she can't do exactly what she wants all the time. I feel so so broken by it all- I feel I can't go on to be honest. She laughs if I cry. No idea where to go, what to do but I know she is killing me slowly. Plus the fact once she has left home I will probably never ever see her. It's a tragedy and I never thought this would happen to me. Sorry just need some support as I am desperate.

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TeenDivided · 17/04/2023 18:47

When we had this we made a conscious decision to step back.

We didn't believe things she said without external evidence, but just changing our mindset internally made a big difference for us. We didn't bother catching her in lies. We stayed quietly supportive in the background but didn't facilitate anything we didn't agree with.

Things did get better eventually.

TeenDivided · 17/04/2023 18:48

That said, mine wasn't really rude or abusive.

Drummend01 · 17/04/2023 18:53

Your daughter seems to be getting a lot of support but what about you? I would consider a counsellor for yourself, what you’re going through is really tough and it’s important to have someone objective to talk to.

Do you have any hobbies? If not then try to find something you’ll enjoy and meet like minded people, a walking group, crafting, a sport, choir… then you will have regular things to look forward to which gives you some respite away from the house

Dacadactyl · 17/04/2023 18:55

I would tell her straight up that you only need to provide her with a roof over her head until she's 18.

Is she physically abusive to you? If so, she needs to buck up her ideas and fast, or she would be out on her arse the minute she was 18 if she was mine.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:01

I work full time so not a lot of time for hobbies but I like walking the dog and being outside. I can't really afford a counsellor for us. It all feels like a death sentence and I can't ever imagine being the other side of this. I have so much stress in my life that I feel literally on the edge of a breakdown. To be screamed and sworn at feels like abuse, to disregard any rules too. We are a nice middle class family, living in a big (too big as we can't afford it) house in a lovely suburb- not in UK. Not sure why I wrote that but I have always thought out of control kids are due to bad parenting. I don't know if this is true - maybe we are terrible parents? I am a total mess and feel like the one chance i had with my daughter I have ruined it all forever. Have 2 older DC - one had his issues but out the other side - but was different, not nasty and abusive like this. The other was a dream and still is! I will have a good cry tonight and try to fight another day tomorrow - by fight I mean, just try to ignore it all and distance myself from it. But it's very very hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:02

Dacadactyl · 17/04/2023 18:55

I would tell her straight up that you only need to provide her with a roof over her head until she's 18.

Is she physically abusive to you? If so, she needs to buck up her ideas and fast, or she would be out on her arse the minute she was 18 if she was mine.

Not physically abusive no. Just verbally

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Dacadactyl · 17/04/2023 19:04

And when she verbally abuses you, what do you do? Just take it? Maybe you are being too nice to her.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:06

Dacadactyl · 17/04/2023 19:04

And when she verbally abuses you, what do you do? Just take it? Maybe you are being too nice to her.

No I tell her that those words are unacceptable, it is hurtful etc. I often cry (which she likes and finds pathetic and tells me so). I try to be nice when she is being nice. But that is mostly never now

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ItsCalledAConversation · 17/04/2023 19:10

Does she see you as her victim? Are you portraying yourself to her as such?

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:14

ItsCalledAConversation · 17/04/2023 19:10

Does she see you as her victim? Are you portraying yourself to her as such?

Possibly.. though if she is calm and nice we can get on. That is just v rare and short lived. I do feel victimised by my own daughter which is a tragedy. Her mood rules the house. She expects lifts, to stay out til ridiculous hours and if we say no, she just goes anyway. No sanctions work. She has no respect for any rules, definitely no respect for me or husband. Mostly pure contempt. She used to be a very sweet girl. A real Mummy's girl. Now she won't be in the same room as me

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savoycabbage · 17/04/2023 19:15

I've got two teenagers and honestly I would be kicking her out when she's 18. I don't say that lightly and I think it's very easy for other people to say, especially when their children are much younger.

How I'm treated, especially in my own home, is really important to me.

This is not the same at all but we once had absolutely horrific neighbours. Like really horrific. And for 18 months outer home life was completely ruined as we could never relax and we were walking on eggshells constantly wondering what was going to happen next. It affected every other part of my life as normally, something would be going on that was hard to deal with and you would have your home as a place of safety. But we didn't and you don't either.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/04/2023 19:16

Is she worse with you than with your husband? Are you both on the same page regarding her behaviour?

If you were able to get a small flat somewhere and keep up your relationship with your other children and your husband, but stay out of the family home, how do you think she would respond?

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:18

savoycabbage · 17/04/2023 19:15

I've got two teenagers and honestly I would be kicking her out when she's 18. I don't say that lightly and I think it's very easy for other people to say, especially when their children are much younger.

How I'm treated, especially in my own home, is really important to me.

This is not the same at all but we once had absolutely horrific neighbours. Like really horrific. And for 18 months outer home life was completely ruined as we could never relax and we were walking on eggshells constantly wondering what was going to happen next. It affected every other part of my life as normally, something would be going on that was hard to deal with and you would have your home as a place of safety. But we didn't and you don't either.

I can't kick her out- where would she go??? And what would happen to her then? I really would have lost her forever then. That is not an option tho I know what you mean. She needs us - she clearly is deeply deeply unhappy. I want to run away from it but that's not an option either

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Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:20

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/04/2023 19:16

Is she worse with you than with your husband? Are you both on the same page regarding her behaviour?

If you were able to get a small flat somewhere and keep up your relationship with your other children and your husband, but stay out of the family home, how do you think she would respond?

Husband is less emotional about it but feels similar in that she is out daughter and we have to get through this. She is definitely worse to me as I try to lay down some rules which she hates. Nothing outrageous. He is very aware of trying to preserve a relationship of sorts (as am I tho after the last day I am not so sure)

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IfDreamsWereWings · 17/04/2023 19:22

Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:14

Possibly.. though if she is calm and nice we can get on. That is just v rare and short lived. I do feel victimised by my own daughter which is a tragedy. Her mood rules the house. She expects lifts, to stay out til ridiculous hours and if we say no, she just goes anyway. No sanctions work. She has no respect for any rules, definitely no respect for me or husband. Mostly pure contempt. She used to be a very sweet girl. A real Mummy's girl. Now she won't be in the same room as me

Show quote history

I would stop the lifts. Is she in education or does she work? Sounds like she needs a dose of reality. If you give her money I would reduce it and push her to get a part time job if she’s still in education.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:23

She has a part time job so we don't give her any money anymore unless big expense. She's still at school l

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Dacadactyl · 17/04/2023 19:24

Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:06

No I tell her that those words are unacceptable, it is hurtful etc. I often cry (which she likes and finds pathetic and tells me so). I try to be nice when she is being nice. But that is mostly never now

Show quote history

"Those words are unacceptable" is too nice.

If my DD17 was abusing me in my home that I was paying for, she would be hearing some choice abusive words herself.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/04/2023 19:26

That sounds like hell but don't lose faith yet that things won't change. Is she taking drugs? My ds went through a very bad phase from 15 to 17..not so much verbally abusive but out all night..never sure where he was..dropped out of school etc. I was a shell of myself. We did give him an ultimatum at 18 that he was either going to comply with house rules or leave. Not sure we meant it but somehow he believed us. Things improved massively and now he feels ashamed of how he acted. It's a long story but he now holds down a good job and generally is fine.
You have my sympathy. Try and do things for yourself. Remember it's her not you. She is obviously very troubled.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:26

Yes but screaming abuse back (and I have done that too) just makes it all worse. I try to walk away and not engage but it's really really tough. Self preservation kicks in! But I am not going to say bad stuff back anymore - it makes me feel like shit and only modelling worse behaviour

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AuroraForever · 17/04/2023 19:27

By leaving you’ll be breaking up your family which is upsetting all round but if you and she stay she’s making your life a bloody misery. Of course you can kick her out. It may be just what she needs to bring her to her senses and realise that yes she probably actually really does need you. Or she’ll be fine without you and you’ll finally be free of all this misery. You really don’t have to put up with this. I fear the more it goes on the worse it’ll be unless you do something to show her you mean business. I really wish you all the very best on this one.

FinallyHere · 17/04/2023 19:29

I'm very sorry you are facing this.

I remember being pretty horrible to my mother. I'm now very, very sorry

It's not easy, but I'd encourage you to follow my mothers example and just 'grey rock' me, providing nothing in the way of a reaction.

Like any abuser (and I include myself here, it's the reaction they feed off.

Cut that supply right way.

If you were able to get a small flat somewhere and keep up your relationship with your other children and your husband, but stay out of the family home, how do you think she would respond?

Don't give her the power to do this.

All the best. I'm afraid I'm feeling tearful, it's just being reminded of how horrible I was and how my mother is no longer around. I did get the chance to apologise and she brushed it off saying 'this phase will pass'.

Please as far as you can't don't take it personally. It really, really isn't.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:30

junebirthdaygirl · 17/04/2023 19:26

That sounds like hell but don't lose faith yet that things won't change. Is she taking drugs? My ds went through a very bad phase from 15 to 17..not so much verbally abusive but out all night..never sure where he was..dropped out of school etc. I was a shell of myself. We did give him an ultimatum at 18 that he was either going to comply with house rules or leave. Not sure we meant it but somehow he believed us. Things improved massively and now he feels ashamed of how he acted. It's a long story but he now holds down a good job and generally is fine.
You have my sympathy. Try and do things for yourself. Remember it's her not you. She is obviously very troubled.

She smokes weed sometimes - another HUGE bone of contention. She is fully aware of our views on it- it is a total no no at her age and definitely not out the bedroom window.... but again total lack of respect for rules. And yes I 100percent think it has affected her mood but that she won't accept. Her psychologist is fully aware of the situation on that front.

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Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:31

FinallyHere · 17/04/2023 19:29

I'm very sorry you are facing this.

I remember being pretty horrible to my mother. I'm now very, very sorry

It's not easy, but I'd encourage you to follow my mothers example and just 'grey rock' me, providing nothing in the way of a reaction.

Like any abuser (and I include myself here, it's the reaction they feed off.

Cut that supply right way.

If you were able to get a small flat somewhere and keep up your relationship with your other children and your husband, but stay out of the family home, how do you think she would respond?

Don't give her the power to do this.

All the best. I'm afraid I'm feeling tearful, it's just being reminded of how horrible I was and how my mother is no longer around. I did get the chance to apologise and she brushed it off saying 'this phase will pass'.

Please as far as you can't don't take it personally. It really, really isn't.

Thank you - your words made me cry even more!! I Hope she turns out like you but it currently feels so desperate

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 19:33

Every single time she starts being verbally abusive, you need to walk away and give her absolutely no response, not a single word, zero emotions. No matter how loudly she screams or what she says, do nothing. Ignore her completely. If she is really out of control, call the police and let her explain herself to them.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:35

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 19:33

Every single time she starts being verbally abusive, you need to walk away and give her absolutely no response, not a single word, zero emotions. No matter how loudly she screams or what she says, do nothing. Ignore her completely. If she is really out of control, call the police and let her explain herself to them.

Yes this is my strategy from now on. My husband is better at this than me. Note to self

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