No idea what to do now

[Tiggy321]

Have posted about my D17 several times. We are going through a horrific patch, so much so that I feel I can't live here anymore. She is rude, abusive, lies, agressive ..... failing at school. Hanging round with unsuitable friends. I feel I have lost her. She is getting support- psychologist, tutoring at school etc. Her father and I are not monsters but we have raised one. I am tearful and to be honest traumatised by the stuff she has said. I really don't know what to do now. I thought about not coming home today, running away as I can't bear the constant conflict if she can't do exactly what she wants all the time. I feel so so broken by it all- I feel I can't go on to be honest. She laughs if I cry. No idea where to go, what to do but I know she is killing me slowly. Plus the fact once she has left home I will probably never ever see her. It's a tragedy and I never thought this would happen to me. Sorry just need some support as I am desperate.

@Tiggy321 not teenagers but I have to deal with often abusive patients who say all sorts, not reacting to it tends to kill the vibe because they have nowhere to go with it.

If your daughter is showing triumphant behaviour at your reaction, just raise an eyebrow and ask her if she is feeling better now, smile and walk away (I don’t do this with patients! but I would if my daughter was being an arse) you almost have to react as though you are not bothered.

A friend of mine had a nightmare teenager really abusively rude to her even in public.

She would just say oh well, still love you and she would walk away. Her teenager would self combust at the lack of reaction, it was like a toddler in a teenage body, they get in great now a couple of years later and dare I say it even laugh about it.

I think you should speak to someone about medication - something is going on
My dd was a little like that through her early teenage years her mental health meant what she was going on was coming out as anger which is common in young people and children.
Medication helped enormously, it took some time but it changed things a lot.

I am not a strict or harsh person so i didn't handle it like that which I'm glad of. It's easy when you don't have a child like that to say be stricter be harder tell them to leave but it just makes everything worse - if there's no mental health issue then it's a different story

This is the best advice- walk away, disengage when she is abusive, let her cool down and think things through and then maybe offer a cup of tea or whatever - and if she wants to talk.
Fighting anger with anger in my experience doesn't work - but find quiet calm ways to say I won't accept this I'll speak to you later and then go leave her to do what she needs

In parallel maintain the loving supportive family you have created, go on dates with your husband and laugh together- use him to support you and vice versa through this - do normal family things - include her if she wants and if not then fine see you later - no drama

But be there if she needs you and is ready to talk, a lot of it I think is that they don't have the tools to explain their thoughts and it's horrific living with them when they are like thsi - and destroys your sense of self and importance - but remember it's them not you - just keep the channels open and calmly withdraw when they are being arseholes xxx

@Tiggy321

I get it tiggy

In my worst moments I can regret having kids too And those that say Chuck them out I do t believe they have a challenging teen or not reached that stage yet.

I was so naive when mine were younger. Dd is 17 and the last 3/4 years have been the hardest of my life My so. Is easier but he is NT I think!

I think I’d go full commando parenting unless there was trauma. If nothing has actually happened bar her becoming an entitled brat then she’d get a roof, food and a bed, nothing else until she could be civil.

It sounds as if YOU needs some support, OP, you’re experiencing abuse. Crying several times a day isn’t right, you’re not OK.

I would go to your GP and ask for some support. I’d also ask your DH to advocate for you more, he doesn’t sound as affected by the abuse, but you’re becoming ill from it.

I think many people are suggesting tighter boundaries and a united front with your DH, rather than chucking her out, tbh.

Have you thought about seeking support from social services and exploring a temporary care placement? Some residential homes for young people can be good environments if done well, and it might help both of you.

I don't have any advice, and actually PP have pretty much nailed the advice as far as I can see, some brilliant words here.

But, the thing that really struck me when I read all of your posts was, when was the last time she saw you belly laugh with your husband? When was the last time she saw you excited or having fun? I know this is hard as it doesn't sound like life is fun, but if she's doing all this to see a reaction and wants to make your life a misery then seeing you have a giggle with your husband about something might make her see that life is not all about her and her mission to make you as miserable as possible isn't quite working.

I dunno, it was just something that stood out when i read your post. She gets to dictate the mood in the house every single moment. Well you take back that control and dictate a happy and joyful house even if only for a short time...

Grey rock is the way to go.

She verbally abused you walk off.
She wants a lift but you're not in a position to do, don't want to, or disagree with where she's going - don't give her a lift, if she kicks off and goes anyway, just turn away and walk off, let her go without a word
Be emotionless with her
If she does something you don't like, don't react just remove yourself from the situation
If dinner times are a touch point, leave it out for her, but you and dh eat together without her
It'll be nice soon so you and dh spend time in the garden having a drink together.
She want to watch something else on the telly, give her the remote then take yourself off upstairs to read a book.

I'm sure she'll start to up the ante once you start doing this, as she's not getting the reaction out of you, but after that, and you're still grey rock you might be able to talk to her

Also take time out with your dh, go out to the cinema, a meal or just a walk together, try and enjoy some time with him and leave her at home, don't invite her. You need to reconnect to your dh so you both don't drown under her mood

@Tiggy321 All 3 of mine have been bastards. DS25 & DD21 now amazing but were the absolute pits - currently DD16 just awful - all were gorgeous small kids - do not give up hope - I totally get how you are feeling.

Try this https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Immensely informative and helpful from women who have dealt with exactly what you are suffering right now.

Grey rocking is great and ffs find time for yourself - your DD will ultimately benefit - don’t be the victim xxxxxx