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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

No idea what to do now

60 replies

Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 18:29

Have posted about my D17 several times. We are going through a horrific patch, so much so that I feel I can't live here anymore. She is rude, abusive, lies, agressive ..... failing at school. Hanging round with unsuitable friends. I feel I have lost her. She is getting support- psychologist, tutoring at school etc. Her father and I are not monsters but we have raised one. I am tearful and to be honest traumatised by the stuff she has said. I really don't know what to do now. I thought about not coming home today, running away as I can't bear the constant conflict if she can't do exactly what she wants all the time. I feel so so broken by it all- I feel I can't go on to be honest. She laughs if I cry. No idea where to go, what to do but I know she is killing me slowly. Plus the fact once she has left home I will probably never ever see her. It's a tragedy and I never thought this would happen to me. Sorry just need some support as I am desperate.

OP posts:
Losingtheplot2016 · 17/04/2023 19:38

Don't know what to say to help with your situation but I just want to say it sounds really really tough.

Sending you positive supportive thoughts - you are not bad parents you are normal parents struggling with really hard stuff.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:39

Losingtheplot2016 · 17/04/2023 19:38

Don't know what to say to help with your situation but I just want to say it sounds really really tough.

Sending you positive supportive thoughts - you are not bad parents you are normal parents struggling with really hard stuff.

Thank you- needed to hear that ! Just feel like the worst person in the world - constantly blaming myself for it which I kind of know isn't true

OP posts:
theysaiditgetseasier · 17/04/2023 19:40

Is she taking drugs do you think?
When did the change in her happen?

Just a suggestion but could you write down how this makes you feel, what you'd like to change and ask in the more what your daughter feels you can do / change / work towards to improve things.
I'd also second what another poster said about completely disengage with her when she becomes verbally abusive. Don't let her see you cry or get upset as she'll know it's getting to you.

It must be really difficult for you, is your husband around - does he get abuse?

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 19:41

theysaiditgetseasier · 17/04/2023 19:40

Is she taking drugs do you think?
When did the change in her happen?

Just a suggestion but could you write down how this makes you feel, what you'd like to change and ask in the more what your daughter feels you can do / change / work towards to improve things.
I'd also second what another poster said about completely disengage with her when she becomes verbally abusive. Don't let her see you cry or get upset as she'll know it's getting to you.

It must be really difficult for you, is your husband around - does he get abuse?

Husband is here- definitely gets less abuse as he doesn't challenge her behaviour like I do. Just wants a quiet life. But she is pretty vile to both of us, more me though

OP posts:
Madlollyoftheshire · 17/04/2023 19:53

I could have written your post. My DD has been exactly the same, since about the age of 8 or 9. She's nearly 18 now, but in the past year or so there has been a very slow but noticeable improvement in her behaviour. She can still be moody and uncommunicative, but not the screaming, angry, rude, offensive, hurtful, foul-mouthed banshee she once was. I felt the same as you; heartbroken to have lost my loving daughter and for the close, happy relationship I thought we would have. I was at my wit's end and also posted on here. Had some comments about her not being normal and I needed to come down harder on her, and other advice that didn't ring true, but also some comments of experiencing the same and to ignore the worst and try to let her know you still love her (that is incredibly difficult, I realise). I don't have any concrete advice, but I think that some teenagers do just go through that awful phase, and there's not a lot that YOU can do about it, except try to focus on the chances being that she will not always be like this and your lovely daughter is still there, but for some reason (probably hormones) she is hurting and home/you are her "safe" space where she doesn't feel the need to "hold it together" in front of the rest of the world. It is sooooooooo hard, and I really feel for you. Keep telling yourself that this too shall pass, try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and look after yourself. Also, there are many other parents on MN in your situation and several support threads you may find helpful, have a look around the site. Good luck. xxx

Gothambutnotahamster · 17/04/2023 20:02

I agree re the grey rock approach. I'd also refuse to give her any money or facilitate lifts etc - that's on her to sort herself out as those kind of favours deserve respect to be shown to the person doing the favour.

Good luck Op as it sounds awful.

itsgettingweird · 17/04/2023 20:16

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 19:33

Every single time she starts being verbally abusive, you need to walk away and give her absolutely no response, not a single word, zero emotions. No matter how loudly she screams or what she says, do nothing. Ignore her completely. If she is really out of control, call the police and let her explain herself to them.

This.

Pretend you aren't even aware of her presence. Her bullying you is of total insignificance.

Just do something like call the dog, put lead on and go for a walk as if she isn't even in the room and you can't hear her.

When she's being nice really engage with her. If this causes her to change her mood because you've been nice and she has your attention - off you pop upstairs, lock the bathroom door and have a bath with a podcast and headphones!

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 20:17

Madlollyoftheshire · 17/04/2023 19:53

I could have written your post. My DD has been exactly the same, since about the age of 8 or 9. She's nearly 18 now, but in the past year or so there has been a very slow but noticeable improvement in her behaviour. She can still be moody and uncommunicative, but not the screaming, angry, rude, offensive, hurtful, foul-mouthed banshee she once was. I felt the same as you; heartbroken to have lost my loving daughter and for the close, happy relationship I thought we would have. I was at my wit's end and also posted on here. Had some comments about her not being normal and I needed to come down harder on her, and other advice that didn't ring true, but also some comments of experiencing the same and to ignore the worst and try to let her know you still love her (that is incredibly difficult, I realise). I don't have any concrete advice, but I think that some teenagers do just go through that awful phase, and there's not a lot that YOU can do about it, except try to focus on the chances being that she will not always be like this and your lovely daughter is still there, but for some reason (probably hormones) she is hurting and home/you are her "safe" space where she doesn't feel the need to "hold it together" in front of the rest of the world. It is sooooooooo hard, and I really feel for you. Keep telling yourself that this too shall pass, try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and look after yourself. Also, there are many other parents on MN in your situation and several support threads you may find helpful, have a look around the site. Good luck. xxx

That gives me some hope... just a tiny glimmer. Thank you . I have had a good cry and spoken to my very supportive sister. I will probably live another day, though by god it's hard!

OP posts:
ilovethepug · 17/04/2023 20:27

Sprry about the long post but I hope that my story can reassure you.
I was an awful teenager, all the things you describe and much more. My parents were beside themselves with worry and for good reason. At the time (late 90's) there was no support from any agencies and my parents were unfortunately not able to keep me safe.

Roll on a few years and the payback came in the form of my own teenage daughter who unfortunately was almost as bad as I was. I remember realising at the time that there had been a shift in power, she now held all the power and I had none. I could not put down any rules as she would not abide by them and any attempt to try would result in screaming matches. There came a point where all I could do was try to keep her safe and set some basic boundaries all aimed at keeping her as safe as possible, luckily nowadays there is some support from police etc.

If she was staying out all night I would tell her " OK that's fine but you need to tell me where you are staying and answer my messages/calls. If I do not get a response by 11pm then I will contact the police with concerns regarding your safety". The police were very supportive when needed.

I made sure I had contact numbers for friends etc and would contact them if I could not get hold of her. I would give her lifts just so I could clock where she was going.

She smoked weed which I did not agree with but I tried to be supportive so she would tell me if she was getting into issues with dealers or if other drugs were becoming an issue. Eventually she agreed to talk to a drug support agency and stopped using weed, this is no longer an issue for her but the want to seek support had to cone from her initially with my support but only once she had reached that point.

I made sure she was aware that if she ever felt unsafe I would come and get her without any issues or lectures, this was just so she felt able to seek my help if she found herself in a situation she could not handle. There were many times I was driving around at 4am looking for my daughter who had called me because she was drunk and did not know where she was. I had a young baby at the time and was working full time- I did not need this shit but it was the only way.

It was hell at the time and made me ill. But we came through it and she is a sensible 21 year old with a job and her own place now. We laugh about some of the incidents now, including the time that I and about 5 police officers crashed the teenage house party, however it was not funny at the time.

I feel for you. It is very hard but from my own and my daughters experiences there is hope.

VerveClique · 17/04/2023 20:30

Feel for you OP.

My DD is much younger but I could see her going like this.

What do you think it it’s she wants? And aside from no drugs/be respectful etc., does she contribute around the house?

I have a personal approach of trying to understand what they want… from me, from others, from life. All of that anger is definitely not because of you. I think it’s probably frustration with something.

And also the jobs around the house… if nothing else it gives you something to focus on and teaches her skills, and gives the opportunity for praise. Just simple things like loading the dishwasher, folding the washing, running the hoover round.

Also have you tried talking to her while you walk and /or drive? Sometimes the movement and not actually facing each other can help. I say this to anyone who is struggling with talking with someone else.

Just some very unscientific thoughts from me anyway!!

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 17/04/2023 20:32

ilovethepug · 17/04/2023 20:27

Sprry about the long post but I hope that my story can reassure you.
I was an awful teenager, all the things you describe and much more. My parents were beside themselves with worry and for good reason. At the time (late 90's) there was no support from any agencies and my parents were unfortunately not able to keep me safe.

Roll on a few years and the payback came in the form of my own teenage daughter who unfortunately was almost as bad as I was. I remember realising at the time that there had been a shift in power, she now held all the power and I had none. I could not put down any rules as she would not abide by them and any attempt to try would result in screaming matches. There came a point where all I could do was try to keep her safe and set some basic boundaries all aimed at keeping her as safe as possible, luckily nowadays there is some support from police etc.

If she was staying out all night I would tell her " OK that's fine but you need to tell me where you are staying and answer my messages/calls. If I do not get a response by 11pm then I will contact the police with concerns regarding your safety". The police were very supportive when needed.

I made sure I had contact numbers for friends etc and would contact them if I could not get hold of her. I would give her lifts just so I could clock where she was going.

She smoked weed which I did not agree with but I tried to be supportive so she would tell me if she was getting into issues with dealers or if other drugs were becoming an issue. Eventually she agreed to talk to a drug support agency and stopped using weed, this is no longer an issue for her but the want to seek support had to cone from her initially with my support but only once she had reached that point.

I made sure she was aware that if she ever felt unsafe I would come and get her without any issues or lectures, this was just so she felt able to seek my help if she found herself in a situation she could not handle. There were many times I was driving around at 4am looking for my daughter who had called me because she was drunk and did not know where she was. I had a young baby at the time and was working full time- I did not need this shit but it was the only way.

It was hell at the time and made me ill. But we came through it and she is a sensible 21 year old with a job and her own place now. We laugh about some of the incidents now, including the time that I and about 5 police officers crashed the teenage house party, however it was not funny at the time.

I feel for you. It is very hard but from my own and my daughters experiences there is hope.

That sounds horrific but I am so glad she came out the other side. I will try to bear all this in mind. I need to keep calm and try to distance myself from the hurtful language, I know that. She knows she can always call us if required- she did once when very drunk (about the only time as she doesn't drink much luckily) . That felt like normal teenage behaviour. This does not. It's extreme.

OP posts:
HamBone · 17/04/2023 21:50

Gothambutnotahamster · 17/04/2023 20:02

I agree re the grey rock approach. I'd also refuse to give her any money or facilitate lifts etc - that's on her to sort herself out as those kind of favours deserve respect to be shown to the person doing the favour.

Good luck Op as it sounds awful.

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 and @Gothambutnotahamster, absolutely no reaction to her abuse -unless you want to keep it simple like “I won’t be spoken to like this” and walk away.
My DD is also 17 and quite frankly, she wouldn’t dare scream abuse like that, because she know it won’t be tolerated. Also discuss your reaction with your DH and back each other up. The times our DD has been disrespectful to one parent, the other says something like “Do not speak to your mother/father like that, it’s unacceptable.”

You need to set firm boundaries with regard to verbal abuse- -no lifts, no nothing if she speaks to you disrespectfully -until she apologizes.

Goid luck. 💐

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 22:17

You need to set firm boundaries with regard to verbal abuse- -no lifts, no nothing if she speaks to you disrespectfully -until she apologizes.

Absolutely this. No phone, no lifts, no money, no WiFi, not a fucking thing if she chooses to treat you so appallingly. It is high time she faces the consequences of her actions. You and your husband need to do a complete turnaround on how you respond to her and be a united front.

ThatshallotBaby · 18/04/2023 06:49

@Tiggy321 I really feel for you. It’s absolutely not your fault, try to internalise this, as if you feel guilty, she will sense that and press harder.
Some teenagers just are horrific, my dd was, like you I nearly had a breakdown. Please feel free to pm me. We are through it now, but at the time I thought I had lost her forever, it was so frightening.
Sending you all the very best Flowers

Nounoufgs · 18/04/2023 06:58

I had ateenager who went through a bad phase. He was bullied, threatened and felt alone. What worked for me was giving him unconditional support, space, and respect. I stopped telling him what he had to do and let him make his own decisions. Changing school made a huge difference as did being able to work. He is now really calm, mature and I am proud of him each day.

This may not work for you. At 17 though,I wouldn’t be dictating rules to her. Also, staying calm helped de escalate the situation. Respect and listening too.

My son just wanted some freedom, some respect, to feel that he had some power in his own life.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 18/04/2023 07:05

I was a hideous teenager too. I moved out as soon as I could, but my relationship recovered with my parents, honestly hang in there op.

What I would suggest is step back, drop the rope as other people say.

Give her lifts, cook for her and even wash her clothes, but only when you want to, or it's convenient. If she freaks out because her favourite top isn't washed, respond with 'sorry, it wasn't in the washing basket' or 'I've not done the washing for a day or two, do you want me to show you how to use the washing machine' and if she starts shouting, take the dog for a walk.

When she starts to verbally abuse you, walk away.

She wants to smoke week, let her as long as it's not in the house. She knows how you feel
If she wants to stay out all night, let her, she'll do it anyway

She's doing it to get a reaction. I wouldn't even bother to ask her when she'll be home when she goes out, it's another way to get a reaction because I bet she'll always say she doesn't know or 'late' or 'whatever'

All I would say to her is you're there for her if she wants to talk.

TeenDivided · 18/04/2023 07:21

I read a book once (well many times really) by Richard Bach called 'Illusions'.
It's a bit weird, but one thing that really resonated with me was when one of the characters said something like 'You can't change other people, but you can change your reaction to them'. That is the control you have.

Doingmybest12 · 18/04/2023 07:24

It sounds hard for you OP but maybe some of coping with this will have to be about acceptance that this relationship isn't what you hoped for. You can only do your best as a parent and your child also influences how things turn out. Reflect back to her that she seems really angry and if she can tell you reasonably you will help her sort out what's going on but otherwise although you love her you can't respond to this. I wouldn't be too quick to lurching back to being overly positive when she treats you better for a short minute and remain neutral , supportive but neutral . Hope it turns around.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 18/04/2023 07:40

My dd is 17 had not to abusive but is reactive towards us and has dropped out of school. I was very unhappy. Turns out she has adhd.

We have taken a huge step back. We support her but dont nag push or shout.

Our relationship is improving now. She still isn't in school but is trying to get better.

Her MH was basically in tatters.

Kids have different ways of coping and some rebel. Maybe it's something along those lines. The weed won't help.

What also helped us was her going on sertraline for anxiety and me going on it for stress. We're both on a low dose but it's getting me through. I'm no longer a worry wreck and getting on with my own life again and I feel confident dd will eventually work things out too.

A therapist for you sound a good idea too. Are you sure you can't find the money.

Good luck.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 18/04/2023 14:59

Thanks everyone for the support. About to leave work and go home and have to say dreading it... but I will try my hardest not to react, ignore etc.... going to speak to GP about meds for her (and maybe me- menopause doesn't help either...)

OP posts:
HamBone · 18/04/2023 15:27

Speak normally to her when you arrive home and if she starts shouting, walk away.

Everyone handles things differently, but I’m surprised that some posters don’t make any demands of their teens or rules in their homes. Our DD has tons of freedom-drives my car, goes out regularly, etc. but we do ask her to be home by 11:30 p.m. and won’t give lifts after that time. Last weekend, for example, she and a friend asked for a lift to a party and wanted to stay later (being sensible not driving as they planned to have a couple of drinks) and we negotiated to take them, the other parents picked them up at 12:30 and she stayed over.

if she’s driving somewhere herself, she always texts me the address.

We don’t use phone trackers and I’m not a fan of them, but we do have a few rules while she’s under 18. Our parents did too. 🤷

wishmyhousetidy · 18/04/2023 18:37

In exactly the same position of yourself with underlying mental health condition s and probable drug use. I really get annoyed when people say chuck them out as I can pretty much guarantee if they were in the same position with their child they would not find it so easy. However it’s helpful when you read people’s experience when things have gradually got better. I cannot add anything useful but totally relate to not wanting to be at home and the feeling that never in a million years when she was a little girl did I ever see this coming.

Original poster
Tiggy321 · 18/04/2023 19:07

wishmyhousetidy · 18/04/2023 18:37

In exactly the same position of yourself with underlying mental health condition s and probable drug use. I really get annoyed when people say chuck them out as I can pretty much guarantee if they were in the same position with their child they would not find it so easy. However it’s helpful when you read people’s experience when things have gradually got better. I cannot add anything useful but totally relate to not wanting to be at home and the feeling that never in a million years when she was a little girl did I ever see this coming.

So sorry you are going through this too. It is literally hell on earth and if I had known how awful it would be I would never have had children. I cry several times a day, feel happy if she says one civil thing to me and then crash when all the abuse starts. I can't throw her out- people who say that have no idea. I never ever thought this would be my life. I can only Hope it gets better as it definitely can't get worse. I want to run away constantly and apparently "I should just leave as everyone in the house hates me". It is utterly utterly soul destroying and heart breaking. You have my every sympathy and if I can support you in any way please message me . Take care

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiggy321 · 18/04/2023 19:09

ThatshallotBaby · 18/04/2023 06:49

@Tiggy321 I really feel for you. It’s absolutely not your fault, try to internalise this, as if you feel guilty, she will sense that and press harder.
Some teenagers just are horrific, my dd was, like you I nearly had a breakdown. Please feel free to pm me. We are through it now, but at the time I thought I had lost her forever, it was so frightening.
Sending you all the very best Flowers

Would love to message you but have no idea how to do that- am on the app ! Can you tell me what to do?! Thanks

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 18/04/2023 19:23

Have the college offered much support?

I agree re other posters that say completely ignore her when she kicks off, if you have head phones put them in and walk away.

I would also be doing nothing more than the bare minimum for her, no rides, basic phone package etc.

That said look for moments when she is being more settled/reasonable and let her talk to you, don't let all the hideousness block any attempts she makes to connect in a normal way with you.