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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen punishment

52 replies

Jojouk100 · 12/04/2023 10:53

So my 16yo daughter decided it was a good idea to invite a boy over without my knowledge the other eve whilst I was out. Anyway, the “date” didn’t last long as I have ring doorbell so was able to see her smuggling this boy in and I called and told her she was busted and I’m on way home immediately. When I got home she was full of apologies etc. Anyway, we’ve discussed it and she’s full of remorse. My dilemma is what consequence do I put in place for her being deceitful? I’ve taken her phone which she voluntarily gave anyway, but I feel that’s not enough. Do I cancel a party she’s due to go to this weekend? Something else? Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 12/04/2023 10:54

Is it really that big of a deal?

lostinfusion · 12/04/2023 10:55

surely the fact she is full of remorse & apologies is enough.

Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 10:55

Is he her bf? Was she planning on a Fun Time? At 16 she can leave home op. Don't push her into that.

avocadotofu · 12/04/2023 10:57

Is that really the worst thing? She's 16 and could leave home so don't push her.

Branleuse · 12/04/2023 10:57

Dunno. Depends how desperatly you want her to move out before shes ready?
Who got hurt?

Tempone · 12/04/2023 10:59

Is her bf? We're they having sex, there are important conversations like respect and boundaries to be had. I wouldn't be punishing I'd be communicating.

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 12/04/2023 10:59

Bloody hell, she asked a boy to the house but he didn't stay because you over-reacted massively. Be very careful, she might up and leave to live with him. Poor kid, you sound ridiculously strict. Make sure she's on the pill/injection, and realise that you could have much worse things to be concerned about.

WandaWonder · 12/04/2023 11:06

She is 16!!!

CrapBucket · 12/04/2023 11:08

From 16 my DC can have boys and girls over, but they have to ask first for any visitor - just in case we have all planned to have people over and there isn’t enough space etc. I would not punish them!!

shmiz · 12/04/2023 13:06

No further action required ….

Ducksurprise · 12/04/2023 13:09

I hope this isn't real- why have you taken her phone?

Changeau · 12/04/2023 13:11

Oh gosh. This wouldn't bother me at all, in fact dd would tell me she was.going to have a friend over, she wouldnt even ask, as she'd assume I'd be fine with it. I'd probably ask ifnit was a boyfriend and if so talk about contraception.

Sandysandwich · 12/04/2023 13:20

I wouldn't be punishing her- she said sorry. Just tell her to ask next time because you don't like that she went behind your back.
I would be working out why she couldnt ask you normally if he could come over- is it because you would have said no to her reasonable request so there was no point asking you? She is 16- I would try and make a better relationship with her and give her some space so she doesn't feel she has to sneak around.

All you are really going to acomplish by punishing her is teach her that she can't talk to you and if she want to spend time with him she has to sneak him in via a window or only ever hang out at his house or something to avoid your doorbell.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 12/04/2023 13:22

I should imagine the humiliation of her mum spying on her & then phoning up would be punishment enough

Exhibity · 12/04/2023 13:23

Poor kid . Don't cancel the party ffs.

hiredandsqueak · 12/04/2023 13:24

Why are you even punishing her? Why are you spying on her? Why don't you have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell you she is having a friend over? Actually look at the first two questions to answer the third. Poor kid.

nicetoseetgesunsout · 12/04/2023 13:24

Poor kid. Please give her back her phone. What has she done wrong?

BHRK · 12/04/2023 13:26

Take away her phone for not telling you if you wish but really, she’s 16 and could be meeting him behind some bike sheds. You need to have the contraception talk and loosen up

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 12/04/2023 13:27

I'd be more pissed off that she was stupid enough to not consider the Ring doorbell than her sneaking a boy in.

Seriously though, you should be asking yourself why she needs to sneak someone into the house instead of just asking you. Does she feel like she can talk to you? Is it possible you're too strict?

Travelfan2021 · 12/04/2023 13:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 12/04/2023 13:33

Is it deceitful, did you expressly tell her not to? Sounds like she's remorseful anyway

ReallyWishIHadntDoneThat · 12/04/2023 13:39

This was me 20 years ago... No ring doorbell back then but I forgot to lock the door behind him and when confronted by parents broke down in tears and fessed up! I was grounded and phone taken away, and for me that was a fair punishment - it was more about the deceit than the actual smuggling in of bf.
For those posters saying "she's 16,she could leave home..." so what? At the moment she lives in OP's home and needs to respect the rules OP has in place. @Jojouk100 is having a bf round something you have previously said no to? Or has she never asked? It's great that you could chat about it afterwards and that she was sorry. Maybe ask if she feels that she should be allowed to go to the party? (not as a binding thing, but just to gauge how remorseful she is/how seriously she takes this.)

Soffana · 12/04/2023 13:45

Why is she not allowed to bring people into your house? Was he some kind of drug dealer?

AlmostOver22 · 12/04/2023 13:48

the OP is getting prematurely flamed.

we can’t assume there’s a rule that the OP’s daughter isn’t allowed people round. There might be a rule that she’s not allowed boys round when parents aren’t in. I don’t think that’s too strict - totally up to a parent’s discretion.

when I was 16 my parents were pretty approachable and relaxed but it was just in my nature to be deceitful anyway so I used to break the few very fair rules they had in place all the time. We cannot take for granted from the girl’s behaviour that we know how strict her parenting has been

OzziePopPop · 12/04/2023 13:51

Make sure she’s on solid contraception and ask her to be respectful and let you know when she’s having visitors.