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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teen punishment

52 replies

Jojouk100 · 12/04/2023 10:53

So my 16yo daughter decided it was a good idea to invite a boy over without my knowledge the other eve whilst I was out. Anyway, the “date” didn’t last long as I have ring doorbell so was able to see her smuggling this boy in and I called and told her she was busted and I’m on way home immediately. When I got home she was full of apologies etc. Anyway, we’ve discussed it and she’s full of remorse. My dilemma is what consequence do I put in place for her being deceitful? I’ve taken her phone which she voluntarily gave anyway, but I feel that’s not enough. Do I cancel a party she’s due to go to this weekend? Something else? Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

EvenHeathens · 12/04/2023 13:53

I think as a first time, Id let it go as it is. I would have a talk about what the expectations are, and a think about whether you need to move the boundaries as shes getting older - Im not saying you do, it depends on what your current rules are re visitors and how you want to move forwards from here. Start slowly treating her like the adult she so nearly is, and the adult you hope she becomes

memyselfi · 12/04/2023 14:00

If I were you I'd concentrate on building and maintaining a good relationship with her.
Honestly OP you're doing damage here.

RoseMartha · 12/04/2023 14:00

Explain in future you would like to know if she is inviting friends over and ask who they are etc and lay any boundaries you have at this time.

pizzaHeart · 12/04/2023 14:09

What did exactly happen? Were you away? Was it for overnight? Was it someone she knows or just random boy from the street?
it’s difficult to give a detailed advice as you’ve asked without knowing what has happened

iamjustwinginglife · 12/04/2023 14:12

RoseMartha · 12/04/2023 14:00

Explain in future you would like to know if she is inviting friends over and ask who they are etc and lay any boundaries you have at this time.

This. Set out your stall for the future but let it go now you've spoken to her.

Mumma · 12/04/2023 14:25

Make her feel like the party is at risk but then relent and let her have it.

This made me laugh because its something id have done at that age.. thank god there wasnt advanced technology.

eddiemairswife · 12/04/2023 14:29

Don't you let your children have friends over? What if someone calls unexpectedly? Do you send them away?

Spiderboy · 12/04/2023 14:31

It is totally pointless to dish out extra punishments days later. It will only build resentment, you should have considered all options at the time.

you caught her, she apologised and handed over her phone. Did you want a screaming match?

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 12/04/2023 14:42

WTF?? She’s 16!

Skybluepinky · 12/04/2023 14:42

You took her phone, that’s enough.
Dont make a mountain out of a mile hill.

Abraxan · 12/04/2023 14:49

Why isn't she allowed to have guests over?

On the face of just the post it seems she hasn't really done anything wrong, she's apologised so nothing further is needed.

However, if there are further reasons why guests, or even just boys, can't come over then that would be useful to make a judgement as to whether you are being harsh or not.

Magnoliasky · 12/04/2023 14:54

Was he a friend or a romantic interest? Is she allowed people over normally? Do you make her ask beforehand?

FartSock5000 · 12/04/2023 14:56

She's 16! She's old enough to have her boyfriend over and to do all the things she was probably hoping to do with him.

The real issue is that you do not want her doing those things under your roof so you give the phone back and you tell her:

No sex without contraception because she WILL get pregnant.

No sex under your roof at all, ever and not even once.
If boyfriend is visiting, her door is open.

Then you leave it at that until she crosses your boundary/breaks these rules.

At that point you can get restrictive but she needs boundaries not punishments or she will just lie and sneak like a typical teen.

itsgettingweird · 12/04/2023 15:03

Seriously?

You've punished your 16yo for inviting someone over when you were out?

Did it not just occur to you to discuss things with her like respect, rules of visitors, consent, approval for sex under your roof or any of the above that may have applied to the situation?

At that age I often had my friends round when my parents went out. A few were male. Never occurred to my parents to limit who was my friend or who's house I went to and if their parents were there at 16.

Didn't harm me. I remained a virgin until 19 because not all opposite sex friendships are anything other than friendships.

UnderPressureLikeACustomerInALushStore · 12/04/2023 15:31

Fucking hell poor girl.

You sound horrid!!!

Prouddad76 · 25/05/2023 11:01

no parties for a month and grounded for a week if it was my kid i would get her working in the garden or washing cars etc

steppemum · 25/05/2023 11:21

I sympathise OP. This is a difficult age to balance that their are pretty much adults with your house rules and the fact that they are still kids.

I think it is time to reflect - what is the issue for you here?
Is it that she might be having sex with him?
Is it that she was babysitting younger siblings and had a boy over?
Is it that she was supposed to be revising for exams and had a boy over?
Is it that she didn't ask permission? Does she need permission to have friends over?
Is it that she sneaked him in? If so, under what circumstances woudl you have said yes to him coming over?

and so on. Trying to work out what the problem is for you helps to see what happens next.

I think punishments once they get to 16 are pretty silly. Instead it is about conversations about what is acceptable and the expected norms of behaviour.

It si fine to have house rules over boyfriends etc, but you have to also recognise that she is legally old enough to be havign sex, and maybe instead of punishment there is space for conversations about how confident she feels with consent and boundaries and whether she understands contraception.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/05/2023 11:24

She’s apologised. Ask her to let you know the next time she invites a friend over and move on.

(Do you expect her to tell you when she invites girlfriends ?)

BackAgainstWall · 25/05/2023 23:23

Stop being so draconian.

You need to take a breath and get things into perspective, before you really lose her.

I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

Hellocatshome · 25/05/2023 23:29

She is 16. Have the safe sex talk and the consent talk etc then leave her to it.

NorahNorah · 28/05/2023 08:30

You mean to say @Jojouk100 , she would do as you ask? If you cancel the party, she would respect that and stay in? If so, I'd say you've got a gem there, and look for ways to reward her for successes and such, or do more of it if you already are.

Cherrycola29k · 03/06/2023 17:16

You are beyond ridiculous. Get a grip!

SpringOn · 03/06/2023 17:18

Tempone · 12/04/2023 10:59

Is her bf? We're they having sex, there are important conversations like respect and boundaries to be had. I wouldn't be punishing I'd be communicating.

This.

At 16, this should be a conversation, a very open one, about birth control, consent, responsibility and respectful relationships, not a punishment.

EarthlyNightshade · 03/06/2023 17:42

If she had asked you, would this have been fine?
I can understand the deceit thing if you had expressly told her not to have anyone over, but I wonder why you would not allow this.
I can also understand this if she was 13 .... but 16?

cestlavielife · 03/06/2023 17:55

Shes gonna go have sex with him in the park if that is her aim.
You really cannot control her every move
Open communcation will get you further than punishment

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