Is this a general thing now?

[RoseMartha]

So not to drip feed some background info.

I am a Christian. My exh and 2 teen dd's are not, exh and youngest dd 14 do believe in God and eldest dd 15 believes when it suits her. They did used to go to church with me when they were younger, but dont now. Because of being a Christian we have always had a no swear or blaspheme rule with me or at home and with close family friends and family, from when they were babies. (The girls know that I understand that they choose to swear with their mates or peer group or at their dad's). They both have asd and mh concerns.

I parent them with NVR techniques. I have consequences in place. However exh does not co parent, more counter parents and very disney dad with them.

But they still constantly swear at me and use emotional abuse tactics and put downs and tell me in aggressive abusive language what a bad parent I am. One of them told me today that all teens treat their parents like this and I am being unreasonable to think they should speak to me with respect. I did point out to them that when I have spoken to my friends who are mixed Christian and non Christian ( in case that is relevant) none of them have this from their teens multiple times a day if at all.

So is this normal from your teens to be spoken to like this?

The NVR support tells me to keep going with it which I am doing, it just feels like it will never end.

No it’s not normal.

I have 2 young adult sons and they have never sworn at me or their father. They have never shouted at us either. It simply would never happen and has absolutely nothing to do with religion.

@BitOutOfPractice
Yes i do have a couple of friends who are not religious and their teens do not swear at them.

I also have a Christian friend who distanced herself when I said I was getting divorced as her dh said I should stay married whatever. He asked her to keep her distance from
me.
This friendship had suffered as a result as she didn't want to go against her dh's wishes.

I also Christian acquaintances from church who are ok with my decision to get divorced. You know not friends as such but people I would talk to at church.

There is a lot going on. For you and the girls.

ASD is difficult enough on it's own. With mental health issue, it can get even worse. Add in witnessing DV as children and a manipulative father that bad mouths and mocks their mother and it's no wonder you are all struggling.

I know the swearing upsets you, but I'd let it go. Their father can't use it as a weapon against you and it just escalates the hostility on all sides. I bet he's significantly encouraging them to do it as well even if it's not particularly overt.

That kind of manipulation will be hard for them to see, understand and actively fight against right now.

I think you should have a good think tonight, or maybe have a chat with your support network and taking Christianity out of the account, decide what things you can let go and what are non negotiable with the aim of deescalating such frequent conflicts and making it a less them against you environment.

I fail to see how religion is relevant. Your teens are lacking in basic human decency. My teens have grumpy times of course. They can be unreasonable or explosive at times. Parenting teens is definitely hard work BUT neither of mine have ever been unkind to me or sworn at me. They do swear (as do I!), but never at people.
I think you need to stop muddying the waters with worrying about the part religion plays and think about your parenting.

Nope not normal. We are Christian in our house, and have two teenager girls aged 19 and 16. We get into silly arguments, normally about them believing they should get their own way, cleaning and general attitude. They never swear at us, say horrid things about parenting but can forget themselves and be a little disrespectful. They always say sorry later.
But some teenagers are worse than others, I have met some lovely parents who have awful teenagers, and some that have lovely ones. No one why.

Ours can be a sullen pair at times but they are not rude and disrespectful to us at all, religion or not

Oh and to answer your questions, in situations like yours with SEN, MH issues, conflict ,possibly trauma and a parent that manipulates the children and their weaknesses to score points against the other parent, absolutely there can be violence,swearing and other anti social/unwanted behaviours.

The situation needs looking at as whole, no just Christian parents or is it normal for teens to swear? That is very reductive and minimising everything else that is going on.

Exactly this.
Op I'm going through something similar swearing at me and general disrespect.

Obviously you’ve realised this is not normal by now, although you do hear of some kids rebelling to this extent.

I sounds as if most of your issues originate because of their special needs. I would post on that board for advice really. Normal parenting advice isn’t adequate for you and will only make you feel worse about your situation.

Religion has nothing to do with their vile behaviour, which isn't normal

I actually think that if you let go of their behaviour. Let it pass over your head. Don’t pull them up on anything, don’t punish them etc then it takes away the ammunition that your ex is arming the children with when he unleashes them back on you and you end up feeding the power he has over you and them and feeding anything keeps it alive for longer.

Ignore it and carry on the conversation. If they press you then tell them if they want to swear in front of you then go ahead. (Just keep a lid on it if they are going for an interview or at school or work or where there is younger children around)
The more you push back against your children’s behaviour which has a direct link to their father the more power you give him.
They will of course ramp it up to test your resolve but once the shine has worn off and they don’t get the reaction then you might or might not find that the swearing stops or at least gets less and less

That goes for pretty much everything they try to wind you up with

Let it go

I have 2 children with ADHD and trying to put in boundaries with tried and trusted methods that work for other children don’t work for the ND.

I knew it was pointless trying to tell off my 2 because it was pointless trying to tell off me. I too have ADHD and shouting and telling off was just another voice in my head

Distraction is the key and it is exhausting. But it did work.

Not normal at all, religion irrelevant

I think this is mostly an issue with how they're being parented at their dad's. The difference in parenting to them might make u seem like a horrible parent to them. My suggestion would to be to try a different approach with their outbursts, let them know that you're listening to them. Ask them calmly why they feel like that, get to the root of the issue and figure out a solution with them.

Er no.
It's not all sunshine and dancing. But they aren't verbally abusive to me.

But they still constantly swear at me and use emotional abuse tactics and put downs and tell me in aggressive abusive language what a bad parent I am. One of them told me today that all teens treat their parents like this and I am being unreasonable to think they should speak to me with respect

Its on something like this you have to turn around and pick what they say apart

Because obviously all children must think that their parents are bad parents if it is a normal part of growing up to have your children shout and swear at you and every one does it and point out that by their assertions that it is a normal thing and all teens do it that one day they too will be shouted and sworn at by their children and be called bad parents
Then ask when the day it all begins with their children shouting and swearing at them, can you go round to their house to watch as you could do with something to look forward to

If they say they are not having children then call them chicken (I would then chase them around doing a chicken impression, flapping my arms and jerking my neck forward and squawking but that is just me🤣 it’s the sort of thing I do)

Not normal.

We are not religious - we have a 15 year old and a 17 year old and they are honestly wonderful.

I have a teen dd who has mh problems and is autistic, she does sometimes swear at me.

Depending on the context I do let a lot of it go or ignore it as I think dd does it to get a reaction. The more I respond the more she'll ramp it up.

I do usually wait until it's calm and ask for an apology and dd does show she's sorry by making me a cup of tea. I think a lot of it happens when she's feeling overwhelmed and stressed and unfortunately I'm the easy target.

I absolutely would not tolerate personal comments/sustained attacks or physical violence. The worse I get is a 'fuck off/fuck you' usually if I've asked her to do something.

You might do better posting in the SEN board as you can't compare a NT teen to a ND one ime.

I think that your religion is probably a bit of a red herring here as there are plenty of non-religious families where they would not want their DC to be swearing at home .

In my home, we are quite sweary, although we tried not to swear in front of DC before thy were mid teens . However , although we may use bad language it is never directed to another in an abusive way.

I would guess that your daughters' ASD and mental health issues are probably a big part of this but also that their father is perhaps not on the same page as you and is perhaps antagonising the situation rather than helping .

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea and @Girliefriendlikespuppies

Thank you for your kind comments. Yes that probably isnt helping re my exh

No it's not normal, we are a none religious family and we don't swear or verbally abuse each other, my dc don't swear at or in front of me and vice versa. I don't think religion has anything to do with it, it's decency and manners