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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this a general thing now?

95 replies

RoseMartha · 08/04/2023 15:51

So not to drip feed some background info.

I am a Christian. My exh and 2 teen dd's are not, exh and youngest dd 14 do believe in God and eldest dd 15 believes when it suits her. They did used to go to church with me when they were younger, but dont now. Because of being a Christian we have always had a no swear or blaspheme rule with me or at home and with close family friends and family, from when they were babies. (The girls know that I understand that they choose to swear with their mates or peer group or at their dad's). They both have asd and mh concerns.

I parent them with NVR techniques. I have consequences in place. However exh does not co parent, more counter parents and very disney dad with them.

But they still constantly swear at me and use emotional abuse tactics and put downs and tell me in aggressive abusive language what a bad parent I am. One of them told me today that all teens treat their parents like this and I am being unreasonable to think they should speak to me with respect. I did point out to them that when I have spoken to my friends who are mixed Christian and non Christian ( in case that is relevant) none of them have this from their teens multiple times a day if at all.

So is this normal from your teens to be spoken to like this?

The NVR support tells me to keep going with it which I am doing, it just feels like it will never end.

OP posts:
oachkatzl · 08/04/2023 16:53

I don't see what Christianity has got to do with this.
Their behaviour is unacceptable - irrespective of who in the family is Christian and who isn't.
No one should be swearing at each other.
I see a difference between general swearing and swearing AT someone else, using swearing to be abusive and aggressive towards others.
I don't know what NVR is but whatever it is doesn't seem to be working, so what else could you try to stop them swearing AT you.

Blanketpolicy · 08/04/2023 17:01

Ds(19) has never sworn (or blasphemed to me either and we are atheist!). It is about respect not religion.

How does NVR (I had to google it - non violent resistance??) work in your home? I assume you still have a zero tolerance approach and consistent meaningful consequences?

UsingChangeofName · 08/04/2023 17:05

No, it's not 'the norm' for teens to be like this.
Another who doesn't think it is anything to do with religion.
I don't know what NVR is.

But, to answer your question, no, it isn't a general thing now.

BreviloquentBastard · 08/04/2023 17:06

Atheist household, my 15 year old is allowed to swear and it doesn't really bother me, but she has never swore at me or been verbally abusive in any way. Even when she's been frustrated or pissed off with me about something, she'll not direct swearing at me personally.

This has nothing to do with religion, your teens are disrespectful dick heads and it's absolutely not normal.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/04/2023 17:08

We weren't a religious home either. My eldest daughter and I did bash heads occasionally and she was sometimes pretty rude but she never ever crossed the line and swore at me. Neither did my other children who were less arsey anyway.
It's no excuse at all but maybe they like to push your buttons knowing you're maybe a tad pious? Kids know your weak spots that's for sure.

megletthesecond · 08/04/2023 17:09

Do they actually need NVR or are you trying to be too easy on them?
(I have to do it with my younger child but my eldest needs bog standard parenting).

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 17:14

Faith doesn't come into it. Their behaviour is horrible and very far from normal.

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 17:15

What is NVR?

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 17:19

I don’t know what NVR means but no this is not normal.

Teens can be a bit selfish, moody and even sometimes rude.
Verbally abusing you regularly is not ok.

My advice would be to forget this NVR because it’s obviously not working.

Your religion is irrelevant.

hiredandsqueak · 08/04/2023 17:23

Two with autism here and have never sworn at me or been emotionally abusive. Three others NT and they haven't either. They all know I wouldn't put up with it. General rule here is if you want to be happy then make sure you make me happy, seems to work.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 17:24

In this context, NVR means non violent resistance. In other words, the op does not use corporal punishment.

(It also means non verbal reasoning.)

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 17:26

well, corporal punishment is totally out of the question, anyway, obviously.

What consequences are in place?

Glitterbiscuits · 08/04/2023 17:29

Atheist household - no swearing here.
Good manners are important

Mumped · 08/04/2023 17:29

I’m an atheist and my teens (14 and 18) have never and do not swear at me or in front of me. One of them is autistic and was quite challenging in some ways. But they’re not deliberately rude to me.

I also work with teens. They can be very trying. They can be rude. They can be selfish. It’s certainly not outside the realms of ‘normal’ for their behaviour to be a real challenge. But persistent swearing and rudeness towards you isn’t on. And it has nothing to do with religion or lack of.

What are the consequences when they behave like this? You can’t control what happens at their Dad’s but you can have consequences in your home.

ScentOfAMemory · 08/04/2023 17:32

Of course it's not normal.
And it wouldn't be in a household with the most atheist mother on the planet.

ScentOfAMemory · 08/04/2023 17:34

When you say "NVR Support tells me..."
What support? A book? A website? A parenting group? A church group?
One of the four is probably as fucked up as your relationship with your kids will be if you don't start getting some respect from them.

mondaytosunday · 08/04/2023 17:36

I have a 17 year old daughter, non religious (which I don't think has anything to do with this anyway), and she's never sworn. Oh I think she said 'damn' a couple times.
She told off a friend for describing someone as a 'bitch'.
My son however can use very colourful language. I do remind him I'm not one of his mates (he's 19). He rarely swears at me though (he has in the past but is getting better). It's more just using the f word in a casual way, which I hate.

cariadlet · 08/04/2023 17:44

I'm an atheist as are my 20 year old dd and my dp (her Dad). I don't think religion or lack of it is relevant.

When my dd was a child I never swore in front of her. When she was in her early teens, she tried it on a couple of times and I pulled her up on it because I don't like to hear children swear.
She still doesn't in front of her grandparents (who don't swear themselves) but over the last couple of years has started to occasionally in front of myself and her dad, which I don't really mind now as long as it isn't excessive.

But what she has never done - and we wouldn't allow - is for her to swear AT us or to use abusive language towards us.

Over the years, she's moaned and grumbled and complained and argued but hasn't actually been abusive or aggressive.

I know some parents have an awful time with their teens and that most of the time that is nothing to do with the parenting but I don't think that kind of behaviour should ever be considered normal or something that parents should expect and should have to put up with.

myheartmyhead · 08/04/2023 17:55

NVR is non violent resistance parenting according to Google

gerbilcrocus · 08/04/2023 17:59

OP, are you under the misapprehension that Christian households are "godly", respectful and polite and that non-Christian households are "ungodly", obnoxious and nasty? And are you wondering whether your non-Christian children are merely behaving to non-Christian type?

If so, you're deluded, and your superior attitude is what can make many Christians insufferable at times.

gerbilcrocus · 08/04/2023 18:02

myheartmyhead · 08/04/2023 17:55

NVR is non violent resistance parenting according to Google

Or Network Video Recorder!

Besides, how many functional families DON'T practice NVR and routinely use violence a tool of discipline? This is the 2020s, not the 1920s!

UsingChangeofName · 08/04/2023 18:11

Now I've been enlightened as to what NVR is, and the fact you are talking about your "NVR support", I am wondering if there is a much bigger backstory here that we first realised.

I mean, I - like many - have never heard of NVR, and yet have never been violent towards my dc.
So, how have you go to a place in life where you need "support" for "NVR" ?
As potentially the upbringing the teens have had in their life so far, might be influencing their emotional state.

Obviously you don't have to tell us, but I do think it might change the answers somewhat.

SwedishEdith · 08/04/2023 18:13

Not using corporal punishment is the norm now so not sure of the relevance of NVR. You mention your faith a lot. Are you quite religious in a way that is making your daughters feel self-conscious or embarrassed about it? Do you come across as quite holy? I'm not excusing their disrespect towards you but wondered if you seem very different to them.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 08/04/2023 18:29

Have your religious beliefs ever impacted them badly? From their point of view, not yours.

You say they both have ASD and MH issues. That's not an easy world to navigate. If their dad is adding fuel to the fire and turning them against you/manipulating them that will make it even worse.

What kind of swears do they use? Is it when they are angry/lashing out or is it all the time?
What consequences do you give and how do they react? Are they able to talk sensibly and reasonably once they calm down?

Do you still get to spend time together , talking, laughing, messing around, watching a film etc?

booksbooks8 · 08/04/2023 18:47

Agree with others, religion is not relevant, and it kind of irritates me that you would think it is.
However I suppose it is relevant in a sense that because you have made it "your thing", rather than a generic thing for everyone, then they are probably rebelling against it and because they know it upsets you, they do it even more.
I hope you haven't been telling them that non religious households might think this behaviour is ok, but I don't, type of rant.