13 yo DD won’t toe the line

[Dad22DDs]

Hoping I can get some good advice

I have a 13 year old DD, she has mood swings, can be quite aggressive in her manner and consistently goes against what she is told to do at home and at school.

The problem is I have no idea how to get through to her.

We don’t shout at her because that’s not who we are and we know from when we did lose our temper it doesn’t work.

If we threaten her with consequences she shrugs her shoulders and says whatever, and then when we follow through it puts her in a worse mood. So taking away tech is the favourite consequence but then she gets even more moody and aggressive in her manner. However she still keeps breaking the rules or acting in an inappropriate way.

If we try and avoid conflict, she gets no consequence but then walks all over us. So it feels like we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

Don't really want to get into a war of ever escalating consequences either because that would just make life intolerable and could massively impact everyone around, including her younger sister.

Any suggestions?

I was a teen like this and I was the worst so you have all my sympathy. I had undiagnosed adhd so that was part of the issue. Plus I was just angry at the world for no reason.

What happens if you sit down and talk with her? Not a big thing, maybe take her out for dinner just you two and see if you can get to the bottom of it?

A lot of my problem was just not getting enough attention, good or bad, and so acting up was a sure fire way of getting all of it at once, even if the outcome wasn’t what I actually wanted. I think I just needed to be told a lot that I was loved even when I was being a knob. My parents didn’t do that, buts that’s a whole other thread!