How do you deal with horrible teenager daughters?

[Warmcandle]

My DD (12 nearly 13) just horrible to me and DH and her siblings. I try the being nice approach and she is vile to me, I try to strict approach and she is vile to me. She was a challenging toddler so I always thought she might be the same when the teenage hormones kick in. She pushed me when I just came in from the shops. I've stopped saying goodnight to her at bedtime as get a mouth full but I think perhaps I should just keep doing that. Any wise guidance gratefully received. My teenage DS is not this unkind although admittedly challenging in other ways such as not cleaning up after himself and constantly forgetting to his homework.

Yup this… I’ve given mine a “who the Fuck fo you think you’re talking too” it worked. I simply would not tolerate my DD15 behaving like that. You said she pushed you.. would be the last thing she’d be doing for a while. Grounded, no phone and no money…

Gin was invented by God to help parents mitigate against teenagers.

Another one voting for Shock and Awe... Never knew it had a name

We're a pretty calm house with two teens and I reckon its partly down to luck but mainly down to the occasional "How very fucking DARE you..."
Soon puts rudeness, hormone driven or otherwise rightly in the bin!

Do you know who she's hanging around with?
I was an absolute horror and put my parents through hell when I was a teen.It was the company I was in,a lot of bad influence.

@SantanaBinLorry

😂😂😂 👏

My daughter will often get a “pardon? Do you think I’m some sort of fucking mug who has time to tolerate this shit when I have my own life to contend with?”.

She bucks her ideas up and sharpish. She knows that I am her mother and that I love her but I will not tolerate being treated like a Twat. Consequently I think this teaches her that she won’t be treated like a Twat to anybody who tries it on with her. You’re actually modelling strong boundaries when you do this, although I’m sure to some, particularly on Mumsnet, wouldn’t see it that way.

What is Shock and Awe? (Asking for a friend😉)

Indeed. The OP is doing her daughter no favors by allowing her to be abusive. If you wouldn't put up with this abuse from a parner, you shouldn't give a child a pass to behave like this.

Thanks everyone, phone and laptop have been confiscated, now she is feeling the repercussions and begging for it back. Just need to be consistent, can be challenging when juggling work, other kids, house, life admin etc but will try to keep it up.

This is a very thoughtful and lovely post. Thank you. She does see herself as the forgotten child in our family as she is not the eldest or youngest, both of who require quite a lot of attention for various reasons and her behaviour can sometimes be to make her be noticed. She has a nice group of friends thankfully. I will adopt some of these pointers.

I've got two girls, an 18 year old who is and always has been since about 8 years old, a real challenge. My 13 year olds honestly a joy for the most part, she has the very odd hormonal moment but 95% of the time she has a laugh with us.. isn't cheeky, wants to hang about me.

I couldn't even look the path my eldest was on without getting a mouthful or dirty looks but now there is moments of more peace and I'm starting to believe with age and maturity things will be better. They have both been parented the exact same, so it isn't anything we do.

I would absolutely never ever tolerate them hitting or pushing me tho and if she has a mobile you pay for I'd be taking it off her, or turning off the WiFi, not allowing her to go out to a party or whichever you see fit and will have the most impact to let her see you won't tolerate it.

Keep going.

Many years ago my then teenage niece, my brother’s daughter, screamed abuse at and swore at her mum for making some perfectly reasonable request. It wasn’t the first time something similar had happened.
My brother then forcibly confiscated her phone and smashed it to pieces in front of her with a hammer. He then told her she could have a new phone when she showed her family some manners & respect. She never swore at her mum again.

shes Projecting how she feels inside. And she feels pretty rubbish. Mine is coming out the other side now. We have been balanced, fair, calm, warm, caring , basically ensuring she feels emotionally held and liked, while role modelling how she should be behaving. In addition I’ve tried to expand engagement with any interests (sports, hobbies, anything that she finds enriching)

Absolutely this

This

Words to that effect and yes it made a difference

@Warmcandle

Why does she get pocket money for emptying the dishwasher?! She should do chores because she's a member of the household and not because she's getting paid!! Is that all she does to help around the house?

Worth looking at some parenting books because it sounds like an issue with boundaries and discipline

For a few hours, until the replacement charger they've ordered off amazon for a few quid arrives....

Or less if they can borrow a spare from a friend/sibling or use one of the many other chargers that came with their tablet/Bluetooth headphones etc etc

Really not a "gotcha" in 2023

I’ve tried the nice and kind approach today and seems to have worked wonders. She has been a delight. Laptop still confiscated. My concern with a full on shock and awe approach is that she has self harmed in the past, when she was 7 (which I acknowledge is very unusual but was due to me having a serious health crisis) and again last year (school friend issues), and want to avoid this being repeated so walking a fine balance between her not taking the piss by being rude and still caring and being kind to her.

Shock and awe is only for kids who are not struggling with mental health.

I know this is going to sound smug but honestly I have three teen and young adult dds and none of them have ever been horrible at all. They've been a bit grumpy sometimes. I really don't think people should think being rude and unpleasant is normal teenage girl behaviour.

I've always made it clear that I love them dearly but I'm a human being who works hard and we all need to respect each other.

Me neither. She’s being rude, you need to parent her. (Mother of 2 two happy teens and a 12yo).

Kind of dreading these years arriving! Mine are a few good yrs off teens yet. I don’t remember behaving like this as a teen - my life wouldn’t have been worth living if I had sworn at my mum or been rude to her. And I don’t remember my friends being nightmares either. But times change and today’s teens are not the teens of the 80s/90s!

Mine is perfect at school but riles her younger sibling in the most awful way - speaking to them in such a vile way and I’ve had 4 months of it. Tried the speak to her nicely approach and dealt with the lies about her 5 hour a day habit on her phone. She’s lost her phone until after her GCSEs now. That’s it done.

we have family meetings once a week for an hour and working through everyone reflecting on the week.

Im a single parents with vile and abusive parents and ex so no one for support.

it feels 5 steps forward and 7 back some days.

one of our family targets is less shouting and descalating but she winds every one up. Screaming, hands over ears etc

then she puts as a target a family dvd night and pizza - that’s a reward love not a target

I’m a single parents currently going through a potential diagnosis of cancer and often feel I can’t deal with her.

we have daily journals each of us, ten minutes a day and hers is specifically for teenagers

Wow, your really made me think about the way I handle my teen, Thankyou.