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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you deal with horrible teenager daughters?

72 replies

Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:08

My DD (12 nearly 13) just horrible to me and DH and her siblings. I try the being nice approach and she is vile to me, I try to strict approach and she is vile to me. She was a challenging toddler so I always thought she might be the same when the teenage hormones kick in. She pushed me when I just came in from the shops. I've stopped saying goodnight to her at bedtime as get a mouth full but I think perhaps I should just keep doing that. Any wise guidance gratefully received. My teenage DS is not this unkind although admittedly challenging in other ways such as not cleaning up after himself and constantly forgetting to his homework.

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 14:12

Teenage dd's are ime bloody awful creatures... Currently have dd's 16 and 17. Haven't done their laundry for about 2 years for bad attitude.. Withdraw Dm Duties if you don't get respect op. Phones are topped up post bedroom tidied... Lifts denied for rudeness. No spends unless chores are done. WiFi password can be changed also. Earned back.
If mine complain about evening meal provided they have to make own alternative - pasta or wraps.

AlisonHalligan · 23/03/2023 14:15

The Lorraine Candy book about teenage girls is really good.

Original poster
Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:16

I’ve just been up to my bedroom and she’s left my straighteners on and gone out - they have burnt my duvet cover. Will probably get a mouth full when raise this with her that it is somehow my fault. I’m not a pushover by any means but she is really getting me down!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 14:17

I'd take her phone off her til she showed me some respect if she was mine.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 14:19

Take the fuse out and put them back..
. Deny all knowledge.. Broken from being left on weren't they?

Ilovemydoggie · 23/03/2023 14:22

What do you do when she’s rude, do you have any sanctions?

Seaweed42 · 23/03/2023 14:23

My advice is don't act out yourself because she's acting out her feelings instead of verbalising them.
She's the teen and you are the adult. Don't take it personally, that'll immediately take you down the wrong path.

Have you considered that your DD might have issues that are only emerging now. Like that she has difficulty managing her feelings in general or is often overwhelmed. No one intends to be 'horrible' or 'vile'.

Do you ever sit down and try to talk to her like saying 'I see sometimes that you might be struggling with strong feelings. Is there anything I could do that might help with that?' Or 'I just wanted to let you know that I notice that and I'm trying to understand how difficult things are for you sometimes' or 'I see you slamming a door but that's not really giving me any information about what you are annoyed about'.

If she's pushing you then perhaps she's trying to 'move' you. She's trying to make you 'see' her. She doesn't feel like she is seen in the house. Maybe you and DH tend to only notice her when she's doing something wrong. So if that gets her noticed she'll keep doing things 'wrong'. Often happens in big families.

More positive attention might help, try catching her doing things right 3 times a day.
Even if she has been vile earlier and you addressed that, then don't hold the grudge. Immediately after you have addressed it with her, go back to your normal self asking her if she wants a cup of tea or has clothes for the wash...whatever.

Treat her as if she is the lovely child you know she is. Say goodnight no matter what. If you stop saying goodnight to her that's you acting out, but not actually saying anything to her. Because she'll feel even more abandoned otherwise.

Not saying goodnight won't teach her a lesson. Just like her slamming a door is not teaching you a lesson, but she's trying to express something she hasn't got words for.

All behaviour is communication. This is a good book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573

Believeitornot · 23/03/2023 14:26

You are the adult, you have the power. Yes she can be rude and yes it’s draining but ultimately you are in charge. Do not shy away from parenting for fear of her getting mouthy….

Speak to her when things are calm about how you expect her to behave. Not in the moment - that never goes well. Make sure you point out her nicer moments as well, so she hears that yes you do still love her. And don’t stop saying goodnight!

I would ask what your sanctions are? If she behaves unacceptably then there must be consequences.

Tinypetunia · 23/03/2023 14:28

Seaweed42 · 23/03/2023 14:23

My advice is don't act out yourself because she's acting out her feelings instead of verbalising them.
She's the teen and you are the adult. Don't take it personally, that'll immediately take you down the wrong path.

Have you considered that your DD might have issues that are only emerging now. Like that she has difficulty managing her feelings in general or is often overwhelmed. No one intends to be 'horrible' or 'vile'.

Do you ever sit down and try to talk to her like saying 'I see sometimes that you might be struggling with strong feelings. Is there anything I could do that might help with that?' Or 'I just wanted to let you know that I notice that and I'm trying to understand how difficult things are for you sometimes' or 'I see you slamming a door but that's not really giving me any information about what you are annoyed about'.

If she's pushing you then perhaps she's trying to 'move' you. She's trying to make you 'see' her. She doesn't feel like she is seen in the house. Maybe you and DH tend to only notice her when she's doing something wrong. So if that gets her noticed she'll keep doing things 'wrong'. Often happens in big families.

More positive attention might help, try catching her doing things right 3 times a day.
Even if she has been vile earlier and you addressed that, then don't hold the grudge. Immediately after you have addressed it with her, go back to your normal self asking her if she wants a cup of tea or has clothes for the wash...whatever.

Treat her as if she is the lovely child you know she is. Say goodnight no matter what. If you stop saying goodnight to her that's you acting out, but not actually saying anything to her. Because she'll feel even more abandoned otherwise.

Not saying goodnight won't teach her a lesson. Just like her slamming a door is not teaching you a lesson, but she's trying to express something she hasn't got words for.

All behaviour is communication. This is a good book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573

I don't agree with any of this. Yet another poster hinting that bad behaviour somehow indicates 'special needs.'
And not all behaviour is communication. I bet she is well able to control herself at school.
Start giving effective sanctions, OP, until her behaviour improves.

Original poster
Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:31

Ilovemydoggie · 23/03/2023 14:22

What do you do when she’s rude, do you have any sanctions?

Yes, she loses her phone or pocket money for emptying the dishwasher.

OP posts:
Original poster
Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:32

Yes she is beautifully behaved around her friends and at school

OP posts:
Original poster
Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:33

Some helpful suggestions and ideas here, will consider in detail this evening when I log off from work. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Warmcandle · 23/03/2023 14:34

I know I should not stoop to her vile teenage level and ignore her and shout but she is just so horrid sometimes it beggars belief. Unfortunately she has younger sisters too and I don’t want them to think this is how to behave.

OP posts:
DewinDwl · 23/03/2023 14:39

I have a very similar one at home OP and yes she is vicious with her words and atittude. It is so difficult because a. I am human and she hurts me and b. The impact on younger siblings.

Is there anything you and her enjoy and can do together? DD tends to deflate after a walk or if we watch stuff we both enjoy. We recently re-watched Freaky Friday and we both enjoyed laughing at all the teenage / adult drama.

Liorae · 23/03/2023 14:39

No one intends to be 'horrible' or 'vile'.
I disagree. Some people - teen or adult - ARE intentionally horrible or vile. It's up to you whether you value yourself enough to refuse to put up with it.

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 14:42

Have you tried shock and awe tactics?

So my DD at about this age started to get a bit of an attitude, tho no swearing at me. I just got a bit fed up of sarky comments and the big face on her so one day I just went off on one with words to this affect:

"Are you taking the fucking piss? Who do you think you are? My whole adult life has revolved around you and if you think for one second I'm going to tolerate this shit in my own home you're in for a rude awakening"

She was absolutely stunned because she'd never seen me lose my rag ever. Now no doubt people will be on in a minute saying it was emotional abuse to say that to her yada yada.

Upshot of it was she bucked her ideas up.

Lostmarblesfinder · 23/03/2023 14:45

Read the Karpman Drama Triangle I saw it mentioned on another thread today but it could help here too. You are playing a role in this behaviour too, try to find a way of stepping out of your role and then her rule in it won’t be nearly as effective in getting her own way.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 23/03/2023 15:24

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 14:42

Have you tried shock and awe tactics?

So my DD at about this age started to get a bit of an attitude, tho no swearing at me. I just got a bit fed up of sarky comments and the big face on her so one day I just went off on one with words to this affect:

"Are you taking the fucking piss? Who do you think you are? My whole adult life has revolved around you and if you think for one second I'm going to tolerate this shit in my own home you're in for a rude awakening"

She was absolutely stunned because she'd never seen me lose my rag ever. Now no doubt people will be on in a minute saying it was emotional abuse to say that to her yada yada.

Upshot of it was she bucked her ideas up.

This.

DP has only ever properly lost her rag with DD once in her teen years, and it's ended up being the only time it was needed. DD had never seen it before, and following it dialled her bad behaviour right back.

Sometimes kids need to realise that their parents are people too, and not just sponges who can constantly soak up the worst of their emotions.

Mariposista · 23/03/2023 15:33

Remove her phone

SeulementUneFois · 23/03/2023 18:46

Agree with withdrawing DM privileges so to speak.
Also I would put a lock on your bedroom.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 19:07

No to removal of the phone. You take the charger...
And watch their faces as that power % gets less and less.

PauliesWalnuts · 23/03/2023 19:19

My mum did Shock and Awe with me once. She never, ever needed to do it again.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 23/03/2023 19:22

I don't have any earth shattering advice, I didn't manage the teen years particularly well (in hindsight I would say stick firmly to boundaries wherever possible & show love when you can!) BUT I can say that it will pass.
My DD was quite horrible but now it seems like a minor blip, she's grown into a lovely woman, which most do I think.
Good luck!

Tiggy321 · 23/03/2023 19:25

I can only sympathise. Have a 17 yr old DD who is mostly horrible to me. Says the most hurtful, disgusting things to me, lies where she is going, and generally her behaviour really really gets me down. Am at my wits end. She is seeing a psychologist in a bid to help but nothing seems to be having any effect. I have cried many many tears over it. She is failing everything at school too. I am literally at my wits end. She won't spend a second in my company, says she hates me every day pretty much (and way way worse). People tell me it's a phase but it is slowly literally killing me.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 19:27

You need to be nipping the pushing in the bud. Zero tolerance for aggression or violence. She can behave in school I think you said?. Of course someone will come along to say she’s masking and it isn’t possible for a child of this age to be vile and of course it will be all down to some diagnosis of some sort.

Firm boundaries OP.