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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 wants to meet online friend

60 replies

horsesrule · 16/03/2023 02:52

Hi all,
For easter holidays we are heading to a city 4 hours away which my daughter (17 turns 18 in 2 months) wants to meet her online friend IRL (18 year old girl). I am not sure about this, they have been friends for a bit over a year and I have seen this girl's social media profiles (Instagram, tik tok) and she seems to be real but I am unsure whether if she is 100% as I'm not familiar with this digital age stuff.

I think she wants to meet with her in the city for just an hour but I am just nervous this girl is not who she seems/ is a liar. They have exchanged audio messages on instagram I believe but never face timed.

What would you guys do. thanks

OP posts:
Littlefaeries · 16/03/2023 03:04

I would go with your dd to the meeting place and spend a few minutes chatting with dd and her friend then if you feel comfortable arrange to meet your dd later.
You can always imply that you are just getting your bearings by going to the meet up initially. Or checking out lunch spots nearby.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 16/03/2023 03:42

Hmm never FaceTimed or had any video or phone calls?
My eldest DD has loads of online friends but every single one she talks to or has talked to on Video call, some I've even talked to (usually a long the lines of "Hello Mini Tracy's Mum/hello Mrs Beaker" & then a bit of random chat.

Just sounds very dodgy so I would go with DD if u can't persuade her not to go.

Mumma · 16/03/2023 03:58

YABU. Its 2023 - people meet online.

Ive met way worse people in real life than i have online.

Cant she take a mate and meet in a public place? For goodness sake dont go with her shes almost 18! She doesnt need her mum hanging around with her and her friends thats bizzare.

What will you do if she goes to uni next year? You have to trust her. Im sure you have raised her well enough to be cautious?

Summer2424 · 16/03/2023 04:09

Hi @horsesrule i would not be happy about it tbh. I would not want her to go but i also would hate for her to meet up with the friend behind my back because i put my foot down.
I would speak to DD and explain why i feel uneasy about it.
Is there anyway you could ask if the friend could bring her Mum and you could meet up as a group for lunch?
Hope the above helps x

BlueSpark · 16/03/2023 04:56

Summer2424 · 16/03/2023 04:09

Hi @horsesrule i would not be happy about it tbh. I would not want her to go but i also would hate for her to meet up with the friend behind my back because i put my foot down.
I would speak to DD and explain why i feel uneasy about it.
Is there anyway you could ask if the friend could bring her Mum and you could meet up as a group for lunch?
Hope the above helps x

She is turning 18, not 8!

I get your nerves OP. To us, it's weird and it could be a 60 year old known sicko that turns up but it will be more normal to a young whippersnapper such as your daughter.

Make sure they meet in a public place, perhaps be in that public place to see them meet and make sure location sharing is on. If they stay in a public place, there's so much less risk.

Phoebo · 16/03/2023 05:08

The no facetime is a red flag

Oblomov23 · 16/03/2023 05:14

I don't really get the concern. Why do you think she's a liar? Your dd is nearly 18. Is she off to uni soon? Then she'll meet loads of new people. Why can't she catch a train ti a city centre and meet someone? It does seem odd that they don't FaceTime, don't most young people do some sort /method of video calls?

Sweetener12 · 16/03/2023 06:35

Mumma · 16/03/2023 03:58

YABU. Its 2023 - people meet online.

Ive met way worse people in real life than i have online.

Cant she take a mate and meet in a public place? For goodness sake dont go with her shes almost 18! She doesnt need her mum hanging around with her and her friends thats bizzare.

What will you do if she goes to uni next year? You have to trust her. Im sure you have raised her well enough to be cautious?

Exactly! Couldn't have said it better.

Your DD is 18 and she'll be meeting new people online all the time, and people you meet offline aren't necessarily genuine or nice, so really no difference here. It's easy to pretend to be someone you're not on sm, but it's just as easy to pretend offline, which may be even worse, because people tend to trust those who come off likeable and very real.
Also as someone who hates video calls/chats, I totally get why they dont Facetime.

Zwicky · 16/03/2023 06:44

I wouldn’t meet anyone who I hadn’t video called with unless I knew them through another person. Although dd was showing me some filter the other day that you can use on videos to make you look like a teenager. She used it on me and it was absolutely weird, apart from the hair and scowl I could have been 16. There are lovely people online and I really believe that the majority of online friendships are real friendships, but there are also a lot of scammers and exploiters.

lailamaria · 16/03/2023 08:31

she's 17 not 7 she only wants to meet for an hour i'm curious what the problem is

waterrat · 16/03/2023 09:35

I agree no facetime is very much a red flag. Even if your daughter was an adult there are risks in meeting strangers - there are rules that adult women follow when online dating - this isn't just about child protection.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 09:38

Mumma · 16/03/2023 03:58

YABU. Its 2023 - people meet online.

Ive met way worse people in real life than i have online.

Cant she take a mate and meet in a public place? For goodness sake dont go with her shes almost 18! She doesnt need her mum hanging around with her and her friends thats bizzare.

What will you do if she goes to uni next year? You have to trust her. Im sure you have raised her well enough to be cautious?

This is shit advice.

I would definitely want to meet the friend first - and my 17 year old dd would want me to as well because she's not daft and knows what can happen online. Offer to buy them both a coffee first then leave them. If friend tells dd that she doesn't want to meet you then tell your dd to run for the hills.

Weallgottachangesometime · 16/03/2023 09:40

I think the reality is that people meet other people, either socially or romantically, online a lot now. So the key is not to think that you can prevent her meeting people online but to help her find safe ways of managing online to real life relationships. Also knowing what red flags are in relationships online/IRL.

I think ask you daughter to arrange a face time for a chat prior to meeting. Then speak about where she will be going with this individual making sure it is busy public spaces only, making sure this person knows you are close by and monitoring where they are and arrange a way for her to exit the arrangement quickly if she isn’t happy (eg pretend she had a text from you saying there is an emergency etc). I would also be there when she actually meet this person so you can clap eyes on them.

Have they met through a shared interest??

Smartiepants79 · 16/03/2023 09:43

It you’re all going to be in the vicinity then go along with her so that you both can see she is who she says she is.
If they meet in public and your DD is aware of what to do if it’s not going well then I think that’s fine. Impress the importance of not going to private spaces with the new person and it should be ok.
Worst case scenario, she learns a good lesson about being wary of new people online that she’s never actually seen!

Seeline · 16/03/2023 09:44

My uni age kids never facetime their friends - only me if I'm lucky! It's all done via messaging.

I think if you're on holiday, it would be entirely reasonable for you to give your DD a lift to the public meet place, have a bit of a chat with friend and then go off to find lunch or something. Arrange in advance a time to collect her, and make sure she knows she can ring you at any point if she needs to be 'rescued'.
At nearly 18, she needs to be allowed into these situations so that she learns how to assess the risks.

Jeannieofthelamp · 16/03/2023 09:50

People meet online all the time now. When she's 18 she might be meeting people on Tinder or online dating. The way to handle this isn't to forbid it or to insist on also meeting the friend because you won't always be able to do that; it's to have a conversation about how to stay as safe as possible when meeting people in real life that you've met online. i.e. in a public place, with an escape route planned (return ticket bought, pick up time agreed etc) and possibly a code phrase that she could text or call you with so you can pick her up if needed. If you put all those things in place the risk is extremely low, she probably hasn't met someone who is going to violently attack her in public.

Tayegete · 16/03/2023 09:51

Ask her to arrange a video call first to make arrangements. If the girl refuses the there is obviously something dodgy going on.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 09:57

My young adults who have met people on Tinder always take a friend with them first.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 09:59

Jeannieofthelamp · 16/03/2023 09:50

People meet online all the time now. When she's 18 she might be meeting people on Tinder or online dating. The way to handle this isn't to forbid it or to insist on also meeting the friend because you won't always be able to do that; it's to have a conversation about how to stay as safe as possible when meeting people in real life that you've met online. i.e. in a public place, with an escape route planned (return ticket bought, pick up time agreed etc) and possibly a code phrase that she could text or call you with so you can pick her up if needed. If you put all those things in place the risk is extremely low, she probably hasn't met someone who is going to violently attack her in public.

You do you. I have a 17 year old dd and there would be no way I'd let her go and meet someone she'd met online without also meeting them first and she wouldn't want to meet them without anyone else being there either. I've managed to bring up four girls who are independent and confident, BTW.

Roundandnour · 16/03/2023 10:02

I’ve let my 17 year old meet his online friends. He’s even stayed with them for a few days. His first meet up was at 16.

However. We have had conversations for years about safety both real life and online. Had chats about catfishing etc. mentioned the importance of face timing.

Tje people he’s met I’ve also had chats with their parents to ensure they are also happy etc particularly because some of them are females. Even met with the parents at meeting points as this has enforced the message of always letting someone know who you are meeting and where you are going.

Wjen I haven’t been able to do this he has gone with a good friend of his.

To some it might seem ott however his safety is paramount and due to his autism he his too trusting and been taken advantage of financially.

Roundandnour · 16/03/2023 10:04

Also did the same with my dd’s when they were younger and at a time that SM was a new thing.

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2023 10:06

The best thing is to meet up in a cafe or restaurant. You can always stay with her until the friend turns up then head off for yourself for a little while. And let's face it, presumably your daughter has a phone so if you're not there and some 60 year old perv turns up hopefully the first thing your daughter is going to do is ring you to come and get her.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 10:12

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2023 10:06

The best thing is to meet up in a cafe or restaurant. You can always stay with her until the friend turns up then head off for yourself for a little while. And let's face it, presumably your daughter has a phone so if you're not there and some 60 year old perv turns up hopefully the first thing your daughter is going to do is ring you to come and get her.

Just offer to buy them both a coffee! I wouldn't even want to put dd in a position where she has to ring me because a perv has turned up. Who would??

SomePosters · 16/03/2023 10:13

I went with my mum when she went to meet up with someone she had met online.

Basic precautions.

Just got with her, drop her off and arrange to meet in a couple of hours.

Don’t be an idiot and refuse or she’ll end up doing it behind your back which is much more unsafe

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2023 10:20

Just offer to buy them both a coffee! I wouldn't even want to put dd in a position where she has to ring me because a perv has turned up. Who would?

Well no one would, obviously, but I'm trying to point out that sometime very soon OPs daughter could be living away and in this exact situation without her parents nearby. In which case hopefully she's smart and sensible enough to know what to do, ie stay where she is (public place) and call a trusted friend.