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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 wants to meet online friend

60 replies

horsesrule · 16/03/2023 02:52

Hi all,
For easter holidays we are heading to a city 4 hours away which my daughter (17 turns 18 in 2 months) wants to meet her online friend IRL (18 year old girl). I am not sure about this, they have been friends for a bit over a year and I have seen this girl's social media profiles (Instagram, tik tok) and she seems to be real but I am unsure whether if she is 100% as I'm not familiar with this digital age stuff.

I think she wants to meet with her in the city for just an hour but I am just nervous this girl is not who she seems/ is a liar. They have exchanged audio messages on instagram I believe but never face timed.

What would you guys do. thanks

OP posts:
Salverus · 16/03/2023 10:47

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2023 10:20

Just offer to buy them both a coffee! I wouldn't even want to put dd in a position where she has to ring me because a perv has turned up. Who would?

Well no one would, obviously, but I'm trying to point out that sometime very soon OPs daughter could be living away and in this exact situation without her parents nearby. In which case hopefully she's smart and sensible enough to know what to do, ie stay where she is (public place) and call a trusted friend.

Every single girl I know - friends of dds - takes a mate with them when they meet someone off tinder. Tbh it's usually university tinder so they know the person is real.

If I asked my 20 year old or 24 year old if they'd meet someone alone who they'd only messaged online who they'd never seen or face timed and didn't have any mutual friends in common they'd laugh in my face.

HandleOfBasket · 16/03/2023 11:13

You cannot compare meeting someone online to meeting people at university, in person. The fact that they have never facetimed is worrying, has no one seen either the movie Catfish or the spin off TV series? Which shows how many people out there lie about who they are, their age, their job, their sex, everything.

Definitely suggest your DD facetimes this person before they go anywhere near meeting up in public. Also talk to her about what to do if she ever feels unsafe and it starts with fuck politeness.

Offer to buy them both a coffee in a cafe and even then if you are worried then have a planned code word that she needs to send to you to check in. Maybe I listen to too many true crime podcasts.

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 16/03/2023 11:31

I'd facilitate a meet up but I'd want to be around. Arrange to meet with you there. If your DD is really against this, look up some info about cat-fishing with her.

I'd arrange that they can go to a cafe/bar so that you know where they are, buy them a coffee and then leave them to it but mill around close by.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 12:10

Zwicky · 16/03/2023 06:44

I wouldn’t meet anyone who I hadn’t video called with unless I knew them through another person. Although dd was showing me some filter the other day that you can use on videos to make you look like a teenager. She used it on me and it was absolutely weird, apart from the hair and scowl I could have been 16. There are lovely people online and I really believe that the majority of online friendships are real friendships, but there are also a lot of scammers and exploiters.

Wow, that's scary.

It would be hard no from me unless i stayed with her the entire time. Perhaps at a separate table but within eyeshot.

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 16:19

Seriously? She's almost 18. Next time she simply won't tell you things.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 16:29

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 16:19

Seriously? She's almost 18. Next time she simply won't tell you things.

Bollocks.

PeekAtYou · 16/03/2023 16:33

Personally I would agree to it. Get them to meet up somewhere public so you can see if a teen girl turns up from afar.

Your dd is going to be going to uni it leave home soon. You're lucky she discussed this rather than just did it because she can. Hopefully when she goes uni she will take similar precautions like meeting internet friends in a public place or agreeing to be the observer from afar for a friend.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 16:56

PeekAtYou · 16/03/2023 16:33

Personally I would agree to it. Get them to meet up somewhere public so you can see if a teen girl turns up from afar.

Your dd is going to be going to uni it leave home soon. You're lucky she discussed this rather than just did it because she can. Hopefully when she goes uni she will take similar precautions like meeting internet friends in a public place or agreeing to be the observer from afar for a friend.

Being at uni is totally fucking different to meeting randomers off the Internet and I'm not sure why people are conflating the two.

I can't believe the stupidity of some of the posters suggesting that you should let your dd fuck off and meet some rando - particularly one who theyve never actually seen - without being involved or double checking they are who they say they are, especially with this ridiculous idea that you have to let 17 year old do exactly what they want or they might not talk to you in the future.

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 16:59

Being at uni is totally fucking different to meeting randomers off the Internet and I'm not sure why people are conflating the two.

Middle of a day and in public... what do you imagine could happen, even if a friend turns out to be someone else?

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 17:00

Bollocks.

Do you think she still needs your permission?

Salverus · 16/03/2023 17:01

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 16:59

Being at uni is totally fucking different to meeting randomers off the Internet and I'm not sure why people are conflating the two.

Middle of a day and in public... what do you imagine could happen, even if a friend turns out to be someone else?

Almost certainly nothing. But do you really want to encourage your dd to meet up with internet people she's never seen without having a friend there?

My dds would think you were totally mad to encourage this.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 17:03

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 17:00

Bollocks.

Do you think she still needs your permission?

I've already said I'd let her go but only if I (as the OP will be there) could buy them a coffee first. Perhaps the other girl will have a friend or parent in tow too. There is no way in hell I'd just be like yeah bye off you go.

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 17:16

Almost certainly nothing. But do you really want to encourage your dd to meet up with internet people she's never seen without having a friend there?

It's 21st century. People meet online. If you make a big fuss about it, 100% she will stop telling you things.

midgemadgemodge · 16/03/2023 17:24

If people are meeting strangers who they know online they should know some basic precautions no matter what age

OP you can suggest that you go with her either drop off or watch from a distance or another person if that would be easier

If she is meeting someone for real there is a high chance they will be doing the same and will understand

Salverus · 16/03/2023 17:24

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 17:16

Almost certainly nothing. But do you really want to encourage your dd to meet up with internet people she's never seen without having a friend there?

It's 21st century. People meet online. If you make a big fuss about it, 100% she will stop telling you things.

No teenage/uni aged girl I know (I have four - they have friends) would go and meet a person they have only messaged online without at least taking a friend. I'm not sure you know much about it yourself. They'd all think it was a stupid thing to do. If I told my 24 year old that her 17 year old sister was going off to meet someone she didn't know but had met online and never seen, she'd be furious!

Actually I don't know any 17 year old girl who makes completely new friends online anyway. School/siblings/local town/sport/festivals yes.

JazbayGrapes · 16/03/2023 17:38

I must be living on a different planet but I do. Through interests or events. Sometimes we meet up as groups, go to a pub, etc.

Echobelly · 16/03/2023 17:43

I'd definitely allow it as long as they've talked on video so they know friend is who she says she is. We let our 14YO meet an online friend of same age in town as they had video chats so each knew the other was the real deal.

Radicallyh0peful · 16/03/2023 17:50

I think you're being a bit OTT. I've met several Mumsnetters ! Never called or videoed them first!

midgemadgemodge · 16/03/2023 18:31

Just because you have met someone without check doesn't mean that's sensible

Basic checks - video call before

Then - think about where you meet,
who knows where you are going,
what you will do if you feel uncomfortable ( eg go to loo, text your help message and then your friend calls you with an emergency ) or just accidentally turns up

CorvusPurpureus · 16/03/2023 19:32

Ds took off to teach in Phnom Penh the week after he turned 18. I'll be sure to let him know that he can't meet people in coffee shops (anywhere on the planet) that I haven't vetted. He's thriving so far, as are all the 18yo men & women on his TEFL course.

It isn't a question of permitting your 17yo dd to go for a coffee, of all things. You can't possibly ban her from meeting someone in a public place.

You can't actually ban her from attending the annual goat sacrifice & mudhurdling championship of her local roller derby chapter, if she wants to attend.

She can pretty much meet whoever she likes.

What you can do is share & encourage common sense rules - if you're meeting an online friend, then start with a coffee in a central location. Because grown ups do that as a sensible precaution - not because 17yos especially need to be closely supervised whilst meeting in cafes.

Hanging around for an introduction as mum?! No, you can't oversee playdates for your 17yo dd. Bonkers.

4EyesandBigThighs · 16/03/2023 19:36

I would ASK her if she would pop an air tag in her pocket, if she says no, then it means no. But if you explain your worried but you want to give her the freedom, you just want to make sure she’s safe then she might agree.

I know that if I was meeting a stranger, I would want someone to know exactly where I am.

Salverus · 16/03/2023 19:45

Ds took off to teach in Phnom Penh the week after he turned 18. I'll be sure to let him know that he can't meet people in coffee shops (anywhere on the planet) that I haven't vetted. He's thriving so far, as are all the 18yo men & women on his TEFL course

Well, duh. Presumably he's meeting these people in real life first 😶

CorvusPurpureus · 16/03/2023 20:14

Salverus · 16/03/2023 19:45

Ds took off to teach in Phnom Penh the week after he turned 18. I'll be sure to let him know that he can't meet people in coffee shops (anywhere on the planet) that I haven't vetted. He's thriving so far, as are all the 18yo men & women on his TEFL course

Well, duh. Presumably he's meeting these people in real life first 😶

Duh, no.

He usually meets his 'side hustle' private tutees in a local cafe, after agreeing terms first online. He's doing very well out of it, but it does require that he is willing to actually rock up in the terrifying environment of Starbucks, & to talk to someone he hasn't previously met.

OP, honestly, 'going for a high street coffee with someone I have spoken to online' is NOT an activity requiring permission or parental veto, where adults/17yos are concerned.

MyStarBoy · 16/03/2023 20:37

Why would anyone chance it.

If it all goes to shit for whatever reason and/or you can't get hold of her, 4 hours is a long way to get her (or worse case scenario, try and find her).

Facetime is a must and I think you should also go with her, have a coffee and sound out the situation.

Original poster
horsesrule · 17/03/2023 00:47

Thanks all for your messages
I think they communicate on Instagram but I will definitely make sure they Facetime before meeting.

OP posts: