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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 wants to meet online friend

60 replies

horsesrule · 16/03/2023 02:52

Hi all,
For easter holidays we are heading to a city 4 hours away which my daughter (17 turns 18 in 2 months) wants to meet her online friend IRL (18 year old girl). I am not sure about this, they have been friends for a bit over a year and I have seen this girl's social media profiles (Instagram, tik tok) and she seems to be real but I am unsure whether if she is 100% as I'm not familiar with this digital age stuff.

I think she wants to meet with her in the city for just an hour but I am just nervous this girl is not who she seems/ is a liar. They have exchanged audio messages on instagram I believe but never face timed.

What would you guys do. thanks

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 17/03/2023 01:10

Great call OP.

I’d also ask DD why they haven’t FaceTimed already. It seems a bit odd to me. Get her thinking about red flags herself - and if they haven’t FaceTimed because she his the one who hasn’t wanted to them why is that?

Original poster
horsesrule · 17/03/2023 01:24

Also I should mention, DD is introverted, she has a small amount of friends and this girl she has been friends with for a while seems nice, never spoken to her though :(.
Online friend and her share many common interests which her Real Life friends don't, as we are from a small country town which means not many opportunities for shared interests.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/03/2023 01:38

I would advise caution but at 17, I dont feel I have a right to ban it

They could have done it without parent knowledge

Celia24 · 17/03/2023 01:41

I had a friend I met as a teen, we could always see each other and my mum vetted him via phone! In the end I felt a bit too young and chose to meet him early 20s.

We are still great friends in 30s. I think going but then leaving once you see and meet her for yourself would be fine.

Salverus · 17/03/2023 08:20

He usually meets his 'side hustle' private tutees in a local cafe, after agreeing terms first online. He's doing very well out of it, but it does require that he is willing to actually rock up in the terrifying environment of Starbucks, & to talk to someone he hasn't previously met

A) he's a bloke
B) presumably he is a registered tutor so all is above board online and both parties registered etc unless he's just shilling himself out to people who have no RL proof he is who he says he is in which case I'd be coming to the first tutee meeting if it was my dd hooking up with an unregistered tutor with no RL contacts!

It's just not the same but you can go on telling yourself that it is

Salverus · 17/03/2023 08:33

horsesrule · 17/03/2023 01:24

Also I should mention, DD is introverted, she has a small amount of friends and this girl she has been friends with for a while seems nice, never spoken to her though :(.
Online friend and her share many common interests which her Real Life friends don't, as we are from a small country town which means not many opportunities for shared interests.

Well, all you need to confirm is that she says who she says she is and they are good to go. Hopefully she'll have a good time and all will be well.

JazbayGrapes · 17/03/2023 10:10

Why would anyone chance it.

Why so much drama?
I don't FaceTime people. If I want to meet someone for a drink, I just do. 17yo certainly doesn't need permission or chaperone to meet a peer for a daytime coffee. If the other person turns out to be a weirdo, we won't meet again.

Salverus · 17/03/2023 10:22

JazbayGrapes · 17/03/2023 10:10

Why would anyone chance it.

Why so much drama?
I don't FaceTime people. If I want to meet someone for a drink, I just do. 17yo certainly doesn't need permission or chaperone to meet a peer for a daytime coffee. If the other person turns out to be a weirdo, we won't meet again.

I have never gone to meet anyone I had never seen off the internet. I don't need to, have plenty of RL friends. Perhaps if you are used to meeting up with randos then it doesn't seem like a big deal.

CorvusPurpureus · 17/03/2023 10:41

Salverus · 17/03/2023 08:20

He usually meets his 'side hustle' private tutees in a local cafe, after agreeing terms first online. He's doing very well out of it, but it does require that he is willing to actually rock up in the terrifying environment of Starbucks, & to talk to someone he hasn't previously met

A) he's a bloke
B) presumably he is a registered tutor so all is above board online and both parties registered etc unless he's just shilling himself out to people who have no RL proof he is who he says he is in which case I'd be coming to the first tutee meeting if it was my dd hooking up with an unregistered tutor with no RL contacts!

It's just not the same but you can go on telling yourself that it is

No, I completely agree that 'he's a bloke' is a reasonable argument in many circumstances - but if either of my dds was tutoring in cafes in public places at the same age, I'd be fine with that, too.

& yes, if ds was tutoring 17yo girls I can see that a parent might like to come along at first because he's a bloke (it's mostly male uni students wanting to improve their English, I think).

But 'he's a bloke' does go two ways. The OP's dd isn't meeting a bloke, she's meeting another teenage girl.

If she was my dd I'd point out that having not Facetimed etc she might, in fact, find herself meeting A Bloke - & to immediately leave if that turned out to be the case...

That would be the limit of my involvement.

validnumber · 19/03/2023 08:46

Weallgottachangesometime · 16/03/2023 09:40

I think the reality is that people meet other people, either socially or romantically, online a lot now. So the key is not to think that you can prevent her meeting people online but to help her find safe ways of managing online to real life relationships. Also knowing what red flags are in relationships online/IRL.

I think ask you daughter to arrange a face time for a chat prior to meeting. Then speak about where she will be going with this individual making sure it is busy public spaces only, making sure this person knows you are close by and monitoring where they are and arrange a way for her to exit the arrangement quickly if she isn’t happy (eg pretend she had a text from you saying there is an emergency etc). I would also be there when she actually meet this person so you can clap eyes on them.

Have they met through a shared interest??

This 100%

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