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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 year old asked to pay rent, became aggressive

60 replies

Vonka · 01/03/2023 19:59

Hi
Just hoping to pick your brains. Dd is 18 and left college at 16 and started work. Went back to college at 17 and 4 months ago she left again. Working on and off no aims in life it seems. Does not want interference in her life, rude disrespectful for years . Don't do chores. I have another 16 year old dd and in Sixth Form, no problems with her, she is a joy.

My dh and I asked my 18 year old to pay towards her keep last night. She became aggressive and shouted and said " I will not pay anything! "
She locked her door . Didn't go to work today.
I want to ask her to move out. She swears at me. Dh says its because I allow her. Last time she did to him it ended badly, police involved. That was 17 months ago. They don't get along. We both feel she will never progress unless she is on her own but how at 18 and she refuses to contribute. We both work full time.

OP posts:
jellymaker · 01/03/2023 20:13

It's difficult to know how to respond to this. What have you been paying for to date? Do you pay her phone contract? If so why aren't you stopping this for her rudeness? It seems a bit extreme to ask her to move out without building up to her taking more responsibility. I have been preparing my son to leave home for some years. Getting him to do stuff for himself and pay for more and more stuff over time. He is at college and has a job. He's been paying for his own lunches, social life, clothes, travel, Google account, phone contract. You can't expect it all at once. Make a plan with her. Tell her that you are building up to her moving out and these are the steps to get there. Remember teenagers still do not have a fully developed frontal cortex. You can't expect her to be mature yet. Her brain isn't capable of it. Train her incrementally to take on more and more.

Isthisexpected · 01/03/2023 20:15

You can't expect it all at once. Make a plan with her. Tell her that you are building up to her moving out and these are the steps to get there. Remember teenagers still do not have a fully developed frontal cortex. You can't expect her to be mature yet. Her brain isn't capable of it. Train her incrementally to take on more and more.

^ this is good advice. I think you also need to be calm and supportive when you talk about next steps, not seem like she's unwanted.

Cornettoninja · 01/03/2023 20:21

She’s not seeing it as taking on more responsibilities but as you abandoning yours iyswim. She’s offended and hurt.

I’m not defending her, just trying to get into a frame of mind to see where she’s coming from. She sounds aimless, possibly overwhelmed?

A calm conversation about her life is needed, she doesn’t need to be working towards anything spectacular if she’s not sure what direction she wants to take and needs that pressure lifted, but she does need to be proactively sustaining herself. Unfortunately I don’t have any magic solution to get her into a frame of mind to have that conversation with you if the relationship is already tense.

Is there an outside adult who could raise a practical discussion with her?

Original poster
Vonka · 01/03/2023 21:22

Hi
Thanks for your replies. I'm paying her phone contract paying everything Wrong I know. I've been telling her for one year that she will have to contribute if she is not in college so its not a sudden thing. She left college so she should.
Also she got her child trust fund which was £6000 6 months ago and travelled through Europe and came back in January. Visited friends and family so she knew when she came back that she will have to contribute something. She has been rude for ages maybe spoilt. Also she has been talking about moving out since last year because she " wants her own space". I try to sit her down but it never ends well. It used to be so different years ago.

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Hooklander · 05/03/2023 14:04

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Irrelevant

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 14:06

Why would you think it wrong to pay her phone.

you do not sound remotely supportive to a young woman who is struggling. Can’t believe you want to chuck her out. Wtf is wrong with you both

monsterradeliciosa · 05/03/2023 14:07

Did she used to get on with your husband?

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 14:07

Last time she did to him it ended badly, police involved

what does this mean? Has he hurt her?

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 14:08

And is he her biological father?

Comefromaway · 05/03/2023 14:08

Our household rule is that once you leave full time, further education you pay towards the upkeep of the house. It’s part of becoming an adult, means that young people have an incentive to work and they start to learn that a wage has to cover certain essentials, not just fun stuff (adult responsibilities).

daisypond · 05/03/2023 14:09

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Eh? What’s that got to do with it?

Comefromaway · 05/03/2023 14:11

I’m sure the OP pays tax on her earnings. What in earth is that to do with the Dd paying towards her keep.

Babyroobs · 05/03/2023 14:11

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

No one needs to pay tax on board paid by a teenager. Ridiculous comment.

Lefteyetwitch · 05/03/2023 14:15

Cornettoninja · 01/03/2023 20:21

She’s not seeing it as taking on more responsibilities but as you abandoning yours iyswim. She’s offended and hurt.

I’m not defending her, just trying to get into a frame of mind to see where she’s coming from. She sounds aimless, possibly overwhelmed?

A calm conversation about her life is needed, she doesn’t need to be working towards anything spectacular if she’s not sure what direction she wants to take and needs that pressure lifted, but she does need to be proactively sustaining herself. Unfortunately I don’t have any magic solution to get her into a frame of mind to have that conversation with you if the relationship is already tense.

Is there an outside adult who could raise a practical discussion with her?

She's 18!

What is with all the molly coddling?!

She is being asked to contribute a small amount to her own existence.
The only acceptable answer is "of course can we discuss amounts?"

Trusted adult? WTF

She can either give her head a shake and graciously accept her parents offer for discounted housing or jog on and begin her long term life of being finically ruined. Spoilt brat.

OP. Do. Not. Bend.

I'd laugh and tell her to jump on Rightmove and work out how her work shy self will fund rent.

knittingaddict · 05/03/2023 14:19

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Dont be so silly.

Babyroobs · 05/03/2023 14:19

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 14:06

Why would you think it wrong to pay her phone.

you do not sound remotely supportive to a young woman who is struggling. Can’t believe you want to chuck her out. Wtf is wrong with you both

This ? Even couples on good pay can't find places to rent. What type of place do you think an 18 year old is going to end up living in with no real reliable wages ? She is going to end up in a grotty bedsit if she is lucky or worse still sofa surfing or homeless. Stop anything you are paying for and ask again for a contribution. tell her she can claim Universal credit if her wages are unreliable - a work coach will soon have her looking for full time work and offering support with this hopefully. I would be encouraging her to get some qualifications, although at this age she still may not know what she wants to do. Stay patient, she will get there in the end.

Starlitestarbright · 05/03/2023 14:20

I'm a believer in you pay your way. If she won't contribute and help out she needs to leave and find her own place

woodhill · 05/03/2023 14:21

Why would you have to pay tax on that?

Callmenat · 05/03/2023 14:21

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Ridiculous comment

jannier · 05/03/2023 14:25

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

You don't pay tax on a family member who has already paid tax providing towards their keep it's not income.

FixTheBone · 05/03/2023 14:27

I would start by working out exactly what a 'fair share' of the bills, house work and such looks like and then attempt to have a reasonable conversation with her.

I wouldn't go anywhere near asking for an equal share of the costs, but use that as an illustration as to how reasonable you are being, and to what kind of financial status she needs to get to if you were to suddenly disappear. Try to reach an agreement, ask her what a reasonable amount is...

I'd consider a mobile phone pretty essential these days, but it doesn't need to be a £60+ contract, a £5 gigf gaff she can top up herself... No money for frivolities like going out etc.

She needs both carrot and stick and support to turn her life around.

chevvyroo · 05/03/2023 14:29

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:01

Are you going to pay tax if she pays you rent?

Is that the best you have to contribute?

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 14:38

I wouldn't personally chuck her out, however if she has such a bad attitude to the point she won't sit down and have a conversation then I would cancel the phone payment and let her know that this is the start of her having to pay her own way.

Work out a fair price for her part of the bills and itemise, print and give to her with a start date when you expect payment.

I would probably also do a cost of what she would be likely to pay for a room share locally so she has an idea of how good she has it at home.

PritiPatelsMaker · 05/03/2023 14:39

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 14:08

And is he her biological father?

I'm guessing not.

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