18 year old asked to pay rent, became aggressive

[Vonka]

Hi
Just hoping to pick your brains. Dd is 18 and left college at 16 and started work. Went back to college at 17 and 4 months ago she left again. Working on and off no aims in life it seems. Does not want interference in her life, rude disrespectful for years . Don't do chores. I have another 16 year old dd and in Sixth Form, no problems with her, she is a joy.

My dh and I asked my 18 year old to pay towards her keep last night. She became aggressive and shouted and said " I will not pay anything! "
She locked her door . Didn't go to work today.
I want to ask her to move out. She swears at me. Dh says its because I allow her. Last time she did to him it ended badly, police involved. That was 17 months ago. They don't get along. We both feel she will never progress unless she is on her own but how at 18 and she refuses to contribute. We both work full time.

My daughter chose to move away from home age 19 for work/education purposes. She lives in a house-share and up until recently chained Universal Credit towards her rent. (She earns just over the limit now)

if she had chosen to stay at home she’d have gladly paid rent/keep as she knows she’d be much better off financially at home.

I had to pay my mum £250 a month when I was 18. That was almost 30 years ago now. It was a hefty amount

i think it’s perfectly normal and you could stop paying what you pay for for a start.

That’s not how it works here @JazbayGrapes

You pay upkeep towards food and bills.

What are you on about. Most teenagers pay something towards their keep Ridiculous

You can get up to £7,500 a year tax free from a lodger, which is what she would count as. Unless the OP is planning to charge more than that, I assume she won’t be paying tax as none is due.

Don't think I need to worry about tax implications on that score with my ds😅

I'm not really sure what you want. You say you want her to move out - then ask her to move out.

You also pay for her phone, but want to charge her rent.

Maybe stop paying for things like her phone, and support her to find a job she's interested in? Would she be interested in doing something like working abroad or being an au-pair for a year?

She is an adult and as long as you treat her as a child she will go on behaving like one. Write a letter to her telling her that you love her but as an adult she has to start acting like one. Give her one month to start contributing towards the bills and the chores. Buy her a pay as you go phone. If she can't learn to be an adult in your home tell her she has to leave. And mean it, pack her stuff, find her a bedsit and pay a months rent for her.

I think a few more details might help.

When you say Last time she did to him it ended badly, police involved. That was 17 months ago what happened exactly?

If she's in and out of college and work, has she ever been assessed for ADHD or has it ever been suggested? How was she at school?

Is DH her biological F and is he the biological DF of DC2?

If she does move out, where would she go? At the moment she doesn't seem to be able to find full time education or employment. My worth that moving out would make her extremely vulnerable.

I moved out at 16. These were the house rules then
Leave school and move out.
I started part time work at 14 and paid 1/4 per week/month to my parents.
It did me good to understand budgeting and not everything is handed to you on a plate.

I'm well adjusted, run a house, work and have sole custody of my DS.

People are so entitled now and IMO a lot of that is parenting related.
Your house. Your rules.

@Vonka are you not going to reply to your thread? How come the police needed to come out to intervene between your child and your bloke?

This is my motto too and I think she understands
Things have moved on. I asked her £150 a month and its not like we need the money, just a contribution as an adult ! I don't think it's unreasonable and she will pay starting end of this month.
She will move out in June, saving hard for a deposit. We live in Central London.
Dh is both the dad of my children
I wish I was more like him, they seem to respect him more cos he takes no prisoners he says it as it is, you left full time education and now you have to pay towards the upkeep
That is hardly chucking her out! She knows we love her very much and trying to prepare her for the real world.
She travelled throughout Europe with the child trust fund of over £6000 I've paid for her for 18 years.
Children 18 and over are now adults and they will go out in the real world and " shit" if they see how high are the utility bills. Things are calmer for now.

If a teenager isn’t going to be in education, then it should be clear that is a choice that means they are entering the life of a rent paying, self-supporting adult. It’s one or the other. You aren’t doing your child any favors by pretending that not obtaining any kind of credentials and sitting around not even getting good work experience is going to enable them to have a happy life going forward.

at least near me, there are no shortage of minimum wage jobs available. Most of them are in food service or cleaning. It is hard work, but it is work. In a month she could be paying 30% of her salary in rent, covering her own phone and her own incidentals. If she doesn’t enjoy that setup, she currently has the safety net of parents who can support her while she gets an education or vocational training so she can get a job she enjoys more. If she doesn’t take advantage of that safety net now, it won’t exist in a few years when she is working that same minimum wage job that she hates but needs every hour she can get just to keep a roof over her head.

this is what people don’t seem to get when they say, oh it’s so mean to make your kids pay rent. It’s so mean to make them go get a full-time job. Right now, the parents are there to help. Right now, the teen or young adult has options. I think it’s mean to let them languish and get to the point where they no longer have options because they are trapped by the poor choices they made at 18.

Blimey - good luck to an 18 year old finding a place to rent in central London !

Hi
He told her to wash the dishes when she was at home, she bunked off school. She threw him with a dish cloth and called the police and told them he pushed her
The next day she with drew the case. I was at work.
She said he pushed her
He said " not true she threw the dish cloth at him
Relationship is now back good and she is not too good with me at present cos I'm the instigator, the one asking for the contribution
Anyway we are all good now.
I have a 16 year old daughter too and not make everything about my 18 year old dd, it's been going on too long
Bottom line
No contribution then she cannot stay and be rude on top of everything. If she can find a cheaper place she can go there. She knows she is loved and we want the best for her. IS THAT A CRIME?

I wouldn't e encouraging her to move out.

At 18 I think she is way too young.

I would be trying to encourage her back into education. And if not, if she wants to work she needs to contribute to the house.

If she is earning money she can cough up or get out. Why are you paying her phone contact.?

You have spoilt your DD OP.

I worked and went to college at 16. I paid my own contract, travel expenses.... the lot!

Have you gone through bills with your DD? Show her what you pay, Google the rents in your local area and show her shared accommodation if she still doesn't learn. Only on MN is it acceptable to let your child live Scott free and some how they will automatically know the value of money 🙄

Absolutely this

Remember teenagers still do not have a fully developed frontal cortex. You can't expect her to be mature yet.

Is this a recent thing? Because 18 year olds have been expected to work, pay their way, study or do lots of "mature" things for generations. And managed it just fine. They were also expected not to swear at their parents or refuse to take on their fair share of household responsibilities. Excusing someone for being an irresponsible nasty piece of work on the basis that their frontal cortex isn't fully developed yet is an interesting approach. And one that probably guarantees they will still be acting like this at 35.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and expectations, nor with charging rent, and an 18 year old adult can suck it up or choose to leave. Parents are not banks and nor are they slave labour. I like the suggestion by a PP of a form of contract setting out the costs and the bill, and I would add the other contributions to living in a household, such as helping with the housework. I wouldn't chuck her out, but I also wouldn't subsidise her or tolerate being treated like the hired hand in my own home. I suspect that part of the problem is that she has managed to avoid boundaries for some years now, and is too used to being able to do that. But it has to stop sometime and now is as good as any time.

Read the updates. It's not a long thread.

*I wouldn't e encouraging her to move out.

At 18 I think she is way too young.*

This. She will shack up with a worst possible boyfriend and be pregnant in no time. You certainly don't want that.

This. She will shack up with a worst possible boyfriend and be pregnant in no time. You certainly don't want that

I definitely wouldn't want that for my DD.

Don't stand for this abuse Tell her to find a place of her own if she can't behave.

She can move into a house share, which is perfectly safe, normal and is more affordable than her own place if it does come to her having to move out.
I can’t get past that she blew £6k on six months travel in Europe. She could have travelled the world for a year or more on that easily.