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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15yo son beat me up

57 replies

SmashedTable · 19/02/2023 07:47

NOT IN UK

My 15yo's use of aggression has been escalating and now he has beaten me up.

I knew the day would come. I called police and they have taken him.

His dad and I are separated. Dad was very sweary, bad-tempered, door-slammy, throwing things, yanking children round.. basically terrifying them when they were little.

Both kids now teens and have little time for their dad, and my son has confided that he has a lot of anger around it.

However, during the past year, my boy has morphed from a happy, agreeable kid to a volatile and increasingly aggressive teen. He has grown a lot and works out so he is much taller and stronger than me now. He literally stands over me yelling and swearing when he doesn't get what he wants.

He beat me up after I confiscated some drugs I found in his room. I feel like it's the end. Police say he cannot be in the house anymore.

His dad is furious with me and has been screaming saying it's my fault that he beat me.

I am not badly hurt, just scrapes, cuts and bruises. He smashed a coffee table over me. If you have been through this, did it ever resolve or are you estranged?

OP posts:
Chippy1234 · 19/02/2023 07:51

More experienced people will be along shortly but I am so sorry. Clearly your son has learned behaviour from his Dad. It must be truly terrifying for you and you did the right thing in calling the police

It might help to say what country to enable people to advise.

TiaI · 19/02/2023 08:03

You are not to blame. You did the right thing calling the police. He can go live with his dad if he thinks violence is ok. However he might be better off being in local foster care and you seeing him weekly. Use this as an opportunity to put some firm boundaries in place in regards to behaviour and to rebuild a better relationship . Your son needs anger management and therapy.

Soontobe60 · 19/02/2023 08:09

He’s turned into his father. Please report his father to the police if he’s threatening you. You need to be no contact with your ex, there is absolutely no way you should be speaking to him. He has caused this behaviour in your ds. I hope you can get support from the Police.

Changingplace · 19/02/2023 08:09

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, you are completely not to blame at all.

Can your son go and live with his dad? Have the police put you in touch with social services to discuss foster care?

Sorry, I don’t have answers but agree he can’t live with you now for your own safety.

Emmamoo89 · 19/02/2023 08:10

You are not to blame. I hope you're okay x

Highlyflavouredgravy · 19/02/2023 08:10

Steroids spring to mind. Dobyou think ge has been taking them?

Zuve · 19/02/2023 08:15

Oh this must be so awful and painful for you. History can repeat, let's hope the police will get a diagnosis and help.

PrinceHaz · 19/02/2023 08:15

Don't take on board his dad’s fury. He’s entirely in the wrong to blame you.
Try not to worry. The police will have a protocol for this and you are safe from harm.

Oblomov23 · 19/02/2023 08:16

Very sorry to hear this.

Tilllly · 19/02/2023 08:23

I'm sorry you are going through this

You have done the right thing

Your son needs help that you can't give

DangerPigeon · 19/02/2023 08:28

It's not your fault that he attacked you, ignore his father. Put your safety first and see what alternative help is available for him. Very sorry you're going through this.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/02/2023 08:31

Steroids crossed my mind too.

Lwrenagain · 19/02/2023 08:34

Hi OP, I'm so so sorry.

I grew up witnessing extreme DV and the anger is real, his sounds very misplaced. He's confused, hurting and trying to navigate through his feelings.
You need him in therapy, you need him to engage with professionals.
Hes young enough to change, but you need help.
I'd not allow my kids to live with me if they're violent in honesty, I'd support and love them to make positive changes and choices but living with someone so filled with anger is a disaster.
Would he be able to be sectioned maybe? A secure hosptial for a few months may give you both help.

Sorry I've no proper advice but he needs to engage with every service offered, if he won't, there isn't much you can do.

Be gentle to yourself, treat yourself with kindness and you also engage with any support offered, my heart hurts for you 💔

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 08:36

His father is a cunt. He’s too stupid to see it, but this behaviour is his fault.

Wingingit11 · 19/02/2023 08:41

I’m so sorry, that must be devastating in many fronts. As one single mum to another, can I say that you have done an incredible job raising him and this is no reflection on you. Hopefully he will be remorseful and you can find a way forward x

Scissor · 19/02/2023 08:41

TiaI · 19/02/2023 08:03

You are not to blame. You did the right thing calling the police. He can go live with his dad if he thinks violence is ok. However he might be better off being in local foster care and you seeing him weekly. Use this as an opportunity to put some firm boundaries in place in regards to behaviour and to rebuild a better relationship . Your son needs anger management and therapy.

A violent 15 year old who has beaten up his mother may struggle to be placed in a family home fostering placement. Risk assessments work 2 ways.

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2023 08:44

OMG, I can't believe these posts that say he should go and live with his dad, wtaf! Your DS needs help, counselling/therapy. He hasn't turned into his dad, he will be very hormonal atm and testing boundaries as he's becoming a young adult. His actions were outrageous but noone knows what he thinks/feels having done what he did. He could/should be mortified.

I don't know where you are, whether the care system is reliable/helpful, so can't advise about that, but it seems he should not come home at least until he has his anger at his dad under better control, but don't cut him off. He needs you more now than ever.
Sending you a big hug, what happened to you was awful, unacceptable and def not what you deserve. You did the right thing in calling the police.
Your ex-DH is a twit. Shame you could n't escape before his behaviour adversely affected the kids.

Good luck to you and your DS x

BippityBopper · 19/02/2023 08:45

Very sorry to hear this OP.

Not sure why people are suggestinh he goes to live with his dad. That's just putting him in the arms of an abuser and surely will make things worse.

I think there's still time to turn things around. The drugs are obviously the root cause of this horrific event, but perhaps if he can get off the drugs, things will turnaround.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 19/02/2023 08:51

I’m so sorry this happened to you Op. it’s definitely not your fault and you did the right thing by calling the police. Nobody has the right to use violence against you. Hopefully now appropriate professionals are aware of things happening and plans can be put into place to support both you and your son.

Ilovethewild · 19/02/2023 08:52

What do you want to happen op?
it’s possible you will be asked at some point?
what about yr other child?
it all sounds very fresh and I agree you have done the right thing in reporting to police, BUT it’s likely he will be released/ etc you you may be asked what you want, as his home is with you.

have you got rl help? Could he go to grandparents/friend?
do you want him home ?

it must have been really scary and I’m not suggesting it was anything but wrong, just that male violence doesn’t mean they are always locked away.

you can speak to the police / victim support/ domestic violence teams for help too.

Sunshineandchill · 19/02/2023 08:55

Sorry to hear this, hope he gets the help that he needs x

Squamata · 19/02/2023 08:57

So sorry this has happened to you op.

Your ex is an abusive pillock. Did you and the kids get any support when you separated? You need to all understand the dynamics of abuse and that what your ex did was not ok. It can take a long time to rebuild your confidence.

Ask police, social services, health etc for any help available. Your son could be set to turn into a carbon copy of your ex unless there is some intervention.

You say you're separated - were you married? I'd want to be divorced asap, and find a way to communicate only though email or text so he can't start throwing around abuse and accusations.

You sound like you're minimising the severity of the attack - hitting you with a coffee table could have caused very serious injury.

You need to know that's not acceptable. Your kids and your ex need to know you won't accept being treated like that. I don't know the answer about what to do about your son but the basic principle must be that it's unacceptable to hit you or treat you like shit. Don't put up with it.

Original poster
SmashedTable · 19/02/2023 09:00

Thank you all of you for being very kind, I mean it. I appreciate every post.

Police are handing over to DV division of police who will probably contact me tomorrow. Also to the youth services team who will be tasked with finding him a place to live. It won't be in a foster home; if anything it will be in a home for kids like him (i.e. troubled).

Hand on heart, I have been a very conscientious parent. I don't think I caused this. But I struggle when my ex makes these accusations because I grew up being told what a terrible person I was and I always have doubts that maybe I really am.

My ex says I need to let son back, that I'm just giving up on him. I'm not. It is honestly because I care that he has to go. He has to receive the message that his behaviour has crossed the line. If I let him back 1. my life is at risk and 2. he receives the message that he can use violence as he chooses.

Yes, he might be taking other drugs.

He definitely gets overwhelmed by strong emotions but he has never been in a fight so I am not persuaded that this is about anger management. It feels like a quest for control, basically mimicking dad.

If anyone out there has been through similar, I am very interested to hear how it played out.

He has engaged with both mental health services and a teen boys' therapy group in the past.

OP posts:
Xol · 19/02/2023 09:04

My ex says I need to let son back, that I'm just giving up on him. I'm not

Of course you are not. You don't have to put yourself in danger. If he cares so much, he can look after your son.

Original poster
SmashedTable · 19/02/2023 09:05

Ilovethewild · 19/02/2023 08:52

What do you want to happen op?
it’s possible you will be asked at some point?
what about yr other child?
it all sounds very fresh and I agree you have done the right thing in reporting to police, BUT it’s likely he will be released/ etc you you may be asked what you want, as his home is with you.

have you got rl help? Could he go to grandparents/friend?
do you want him home ?

it must have been really scary and I’m not suggesting it was anything but wrong, just that male violence doesn’t mean they are always locked away.

you can speak to the police / victim support/ domestic violence teams for help too.

That's a good question.

Police said he cannot be here. Asked if there was somewhere he could go ie. family but I don't have any so no, there isn't. A friend has offered to have him for a night or two. After that it'll be a state-run home.

Honestly, I feel like I am out of options. I have busted a gut to support him through so many dramas but it has gone too far. I need to be able to be safe at home. I need my home to be drug-free.

OP posts: