15yo son beat me up

[SmashedTable]

NOT IN UK

My 15yo's use of aggression has been escalating and now he has beaten me up.

I knew the day would come. I called police and they have taken him.

His dad and I are separated. Dad was very sweary, bad-tempered, door-slammy, throwing things, yanking children round.. basically terrifying them when they were little.

Both kids now teens and have little time for their dad, and my son has confided that he has a lot of anger around it.

However, during the past year, my boy has morphed from a happy, agreeable kid to a volatile and increasingly aggressive teen. He has grown a lot and works out so he is much taller and stronger than me now. He literally stands over me yelling and swearing when he doesn't get what he wants.

He beat me up after I confiscated some drugs I found in his room. I feel like it's the end. Police say he cannot be in the house anymore.

His dad is furious with me and has been screaming saying it's my fault that he beat me.

I am not badly hurt, just scrapes, cuts and bruises. He smashed a coffee table over me. If you have been through this, did it ever resolve or are you estranged?

This was also a thought of mine

He definitely shouldn't live with his dad. His dad has caused the problem by making aggression normal in the house when he was small.

I too don't think you should be speaking to his dad. Email only. His is the last opinion worth listening to as well.

Do you have any family who could take him for a while?

I’m so sorry, how awful. Well done for having him arrested. Not only the consequences any violent man deserves but also hopefully the rock bottom to make him sit up and realise what he’s become. A clone of his dad. Who btw can fuck right off with anger over you reporting him. If he hadn’t been a violent twat when your boy was younger maybe he wouldn’t have grown up like this, so it’s on him too.

He definitely gets overwhelmed by strong emotions but he has never been in a fight so I am not persuaded that this is about anger management. It feels like a quest for control, basically mimicking dad.

The cycle of abuse thrives on secrecy and can be passed down to the next generation. By making it very clear that you will not accept this behaviour you have stopped the cycle in your home, shown your son and any other DCs you have what strong boundaries look like and made your home a safer calmer place. Your son is at a formative age and had this been allowed to continue unchecked it would 100% be who he becomes for life. At least this way he has had a wake up call and has an opportunity to get help to change his ways. I hope you’re ok, that must be the hardest thing to ever have to do. Bad enough when it’s a partner you have to report for assault but when it’s your child it must be heart breaking. Well done and take care x

My friends father was violent to her brother and would hurt him. The mother still stayed with him until the dad left them all. The brother turned violent to the sisters and smaller brother and then finally left and joined the army. He was violent and aggressive to his ex wife and then moved back into the mothers home when his marriage ended and would then be violent to the mother. He always had a bad temper. I remember going round and he would play loud blaring garage music over and over the same son, and the parents never said turn it down or off because he would kick off. He would be grunting and groaning and storming around his room, if he even lost something or had a bad day at school. I didn't even like going round anymore as they were big time alcoholics and I felt really sorry for my friend who is now NC with them all. The brother I believe was violent and aggressive due to the way his father treated him. And I knew he had a lot of anger and resentment towards his mother for not protecting him. And leaving the father.

I am sad for your son but it is completely unacceptable and I would go ape if it was my kid and call the police too

I hope he gets help,as its a pity for him also, but he simply cannot beat his own mother, terrible. Am sorry your going through this and you and your other children get the support also needed.

Sorry to hear this. My daughter was exactly the same at 15 though there was never any dv witnessed but she smoked drugs with her friends and started hanging around with undesirables. I did what you did reported the physical attacks to the police and she would be arrested but don't get your hopes with ss finding him anyway they will keep him at home and refuse to support. I sat and begged for dd to be rehoused as I couidnt cope wanted to die and I was referred to marac as threats were made to kill me but the old chestnut you have parental responsibility was always mentioned. Please pm if you need any advice as u have been there x

Exactly what I thought reading this.

Poor you OP. Do you have other/younger children at home?

You've done absolutely the right thing. Do you know what the drugs were that you found and confiscated and have you told the police about them? Is it possible your DS is involved in dealing? I wonder whether his reaction was because what you've taken was for him to sell on behalf of others.

I would focus on blaming the drugs. He may have taken something this time that totally set him crazy. Could he go into a youth rehab..if they would take him because of the violence. Well done on calling the police..obviously for your own safety but also for him so he can get the help he needs. Don't engage with his Dad as he is no help and hasn't a clue. But now your ds is in the system hopefully there is a process that they will follow to get him help. As for estrangement l would say to your ds...you are always my son and l love you but l absolutely will not tolerate violence. Keep saying this and remember this is not the end of the road.

Your ex is saying you are giving up on him...nah! He gave up on him by being an abusive arse and having to be an ex!
If he had his shit together and modelled correct behaviour, his son wouldn't be on the way to being the mk2.

Yes, probably steroids as that makes them very aggressive. You have done the right thing. He will get the help he needs now and hopefully early enough to change.
You have NOT done anything wrong and don't allow anybody to make you feel like you have.

Block his father. He can contact the police if he wants updates. Or set up a new email and give him that to use to communicate with you BUT only check it when you feel strong enough and never before bed. Alternatively you could get a cheap sim in an old phone, give him that number and only turn it on once a day. Or send him an update via a voice message. You are no longer with this man, you don't need to be bullied by him. It's OK not to answer his calls or texts. Put him out of your mind and focus on yourself and your son. Your ex sounds like he's trying to blame you when deep down he knows he's the cause of the problem. If he turns up at your house call the police. You do not have to speak to him. Protect yourself.

If you hadn't called the police then next time he could have killed you and ended up in prison, so you've done the right thing stopping it now. Don't be forced to have him back before help for anger/drugs has been started. Social workers can be pushy. You won't be doing your son any favours having him back too soon.

Be kind to yourself, you've had a horrible shock. Try to rest and sleep as much as possible.

Stop speaking to your ex. You don’t have to, he doesn’t deserve you in his life and you are still being abused by him even if it is verbally. You are not a bad mother, he puts you down because it makes him feel like a big man.

I think I would let your son go into the group home for teens. You need to be safe and he needs to know violence is unacceptable. If you speak to him explain you were beaten by his dad and you won’t let him take his place- he needs to know he runs the risk of becoming that man he hates. He might realise how much you have done for him being in a place like that too.

How is your other child, are they still at home? Do they have a good sibling relationship?

I feel sorry for your son - he needs help. Worried how you abandoning/rejecting him (in his eyes) will mean for your relationship. 15 is so young. He was subject to abuse when he was a kid and you allowed it and now you are saying he is a monster? It just doesnt seem fair from one perspective. I hope everything works out , it sounds really hard for you and your son. I hope he can get off drugs - well done for coming down hard on that. Good luck.

The OP didn’t say it was fair.

Her DS has anger issues, BUT has never been in a fight, as far as she knows.

Therefore, he knows how to control his anger - until he gets home and beats up his mum. A domestic abuser.

She’s teaching him the most valuable lesson he’ll ever be taught.

I'd refuse having him back so that he can get specialist help with social services. With the right support they can turn things around.

I'm sorry I can't keep up with all the names but please be assured I have read all posts and appreciate them all. I am still feeling quite shocked. And sore, tbh.

No younger children at home. An older sibling who offered to have him then had to call police too.

I have heard nothing from police or child services.

I'm not in a great headspace and I'm finding it difficult to think of solutions.

Thank you @moggiek for being so understanding.

It's unlikely he'll go into local authority care tbh and they'll be asking you to look at where else he can go if your saying he can't return home (dad's, grandparents, any other family members) before they would even consider making him looked after. There are simply no placements for teens of his age with anger issues, a foster placement wouldn't accept him and the residential units are full and cost a fortune in any case (2-3k) a week in some cases so I really wouldn't get your hopes up about that. They will likely complete an assessment and offer support to you around managing his behaviours.

You are out of options. You can't live with this risk, your son could have killed you and could still do so.

Your obligation is to live. Let him stay elsewhere. You could die next time.

Friends helping are better than state run homes but you cannot house him.

So sorry to hear this OP.

Firstly it's worth being open minded about what's causing his behaviour rather than jumping to conclusions.

It could be past trauma re: his father, drugs, social media contagion about male dominance/rights or even anxiety/MH issues.

It could be a combination of factors.

Secondly calling the Police and refusing to have him back home is the right decision.

Ignore what your Ex says, it's not giving up on him, rather it's facing the fact you can't parent him or his sibling in the future if he's killed or incapacitated you.

You son also needs to be crystal clear about the consequences of his behaviour and that he has crossed a hard line. You should not put up with being assaulted and neither should any woman he is involved with in the future. He needs to know that women will not forgive easily and he needs to commit to meaningful change.

That means he needs the space to reflect on what he's done, what the consequences have been and what his future will look like unless he faces his demons (whatever they are) and ideally in circumstances that cause him some discomfort and cause him to think about what he's lost.

At 15 he is if an age to be perfectly aware that smashing a table over your mother's head is a very, very serious matter.

You can still be a supportive parent in these circumstances by visiting him (in a safe space) and encouraging him to seek professional help/guidance.

It perfect reasonable to still love him whilst not liking/recognising the person he's become in the last few years.

How awful for you.
I'm so sorry he's done this to you. You've done the right thing and I hope he realises his mistakes and turns his life around.

I would disown your son and never look back. If he wants to act like this dad so much, he can go and live with him. Time for his dad to show up for his son, because he is now not your responsibility. No one that dares to put their hands on me is staying in my life. Make sure you follow the police and court process all the way through as your son will continue to display this behaviour otherwise.

Also now that your son is out of your life, do you really need to remain in contact with his dad? Do yourself a favour a delete his number too.

Next time he will kill you

There is nowhere for your relationship with your son to go until he has received the help he needs and you are categorically not the person who can do that

You have done the right thing and you must stand firm against anyone who wants to place your son back with you

I am not in the UK

@BreadInCaptivity I feel pretty clear about why he is behaving this way... he has a LOT of anger towards his dad and is now mimicking him; he is awash with hormones; he is dealing with a rapidly-changing brain; he has a neurological disorder; he is taking drugs. I agree that he needs specialist help.

I have always facilitated help for him - he has been with a pediatric OT, child mental health services, and a group therapy for teenage boys. I would support him to do something similar. What I cannot do is have him back here.

I understand your strong feelings but I will not be disowning him. It is too soon for me to imagine how this might play out but he will always be my son no matter what he does. He has been deprived of a positive father figure; in fact he has been traumatised by abuse. It's a cycle that keeps turning until good intervention happens. Just trying to figure out what that intervention will look like.