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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lazy DS will not make food

97 replies

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:11

I’m at a loss with DS17. He is lazy on a completely new level. He does go to work but he just will not tidy up after himself or make any food. His clothes are constantly strewn all over the floor and he won’t make any food himself unless he’s desperate and then he will ‘prepare’ pot noodle.

I have tried and tried refusing to do anything like his washing or cooking but always cave as the mess in his room gives me anxiety and I can’t live like it, if I refuse to make him food he will just eat several bags of crisps rather than make a sandwich or boil some pasta. I do cook all main meals which I don’t mind but he eats a lot and wants me to make endless sandwiches/ bowls of pasta.

He does have ADHD and struggles with simple instructions, I have tried doing things like preparing food with him and I have recorded myself putting a wash load on and WhatsApped him the video.

Alas nothing changes and he just says ‘I can’t do it’. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice please?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 18/02/2023 19:14

Time for him to move out into a little bedsit. Make sure the shared kitchen has a washing machine and somewhere to dry clothes, you dont want him expecting to bring it all to you to do.

Original poster
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:16

bellac11 · 18/02/2023 19:14

Time for him to move out into a little bedsit. Make sure the shared kitchen has a washing machine and somewhere to dry clothes, you dont want him expecting to bring it all to you to do.

I don’t want him to move out, I just want him to clean up a bit

OP posts:
TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 19:18

Then you are going to have to leave him to his squalor and malnutrition for a while.

soboredtonight · 18/02/2023 19:19

Wifi code changed.

When he does the basics he gets wifi unlocked

Shbg · 18/02/2023 19:20

Then lazy DS doesn't eat. Simples.

MyPenIsHuge · 18/02/2023 19:21

He's 17 not 7. His behaviour is not acceptable and he sounds like a man child in the making.

I have ADHD and ASD, both are quite reasonably affecting my life. I get it. It can be hard, really damned hard to try to be organised and keep up with basic life tasks like eating, laundry etc but so fuck? It needs doing.

MrsBunnyEars · 18/02/2023 19:21

Tough luck when his supply of noodles and crisps (and WiFi) runs out.

bellac11 · 18/02/2023 19:25

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:16

I don’t want him to move out, I just want him to clean up a bit

Show quote history

He isnt going to

So the only thing you can change is you. You either stop doing things for him and his room is a shithole (I wouldnt put up with that)

Or you dont tolerate him living there anymore

Or you just do everything for him but that runs the risk of him being further infantilised.

I left home at 17 and moved into a bedsit, but I had very good skills anyway.

Original poster
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:25

Well I guess maybe I need to be harsher. I just feel bad as I know he struggles by having to ‘behave’ in work. He comes home and can’t seem to function. Maybe I need to do some kind of rota where he needs to participate and ease him in gently

OP posts:
Simonjt · 18/02/2023 19:26

Is he appropriately medicated? 16-20 is a really common time for people with adhd to really struggle to find an appropriate dose of medication, its a really common time for those of us with adhd to be a bit of a disaster at life.

Tempone · 18/02/2023 19:28

Don't dismiss his neurodiversity, simple tasks can seem daunting your executive function isn't where you would like it to be. Re his room: I would close the door. It's his space. Food, try and maybe do batch cooking one day at the weekend with him so he can ping home cooked food.

henrilechat · 18/02/2023 19:28

If he's completely wiped out in the evenings I can see why he's struggling to function. Please don't be harsher on him. See if there's anything he can change at work to make it easier to cope. Are there any accommodations that can reasonably be made for his adhd? Also, is he on meds?

Tempone · 18/02/2023 19:29

Sounds like he needs support not shame.

FixTheBone · 18/02/2023 19:30

I echo @MrsBunnyEars just don't buy any snacks etc and lay down some ground rules.

Tell him at 18 he needs to be either contributing financially or in uni, or possibly even both.

If you're paying for his mobile / Internet / any allowances, this needs to stop.

I have 7 kids, one now left and 2 teenagers, one of whom cleans, tidies, cooks a family meal once a week and has done since age 14, she gets an allowance and lifts when she asks. Her brother spends all day in his room and doesn't.

We're about to go the next step and start limiting access to entertainment.

Poppins2016 · 18/02/2023 19:31

I'd stop buying pot noodles/'convenience' food and snacks like crisps. If it's not there, it can't be eaten!

ladymacbeth · 18/02/2023 19:31

I think pick your battles - why does a 17yo need to be cooking his own food to the point that you're refusing to feed him?

Focus on the common decency stuff like keeping the house tidy and clearing up after himself

audweb · 18/02/2023 19:34

I’m an adult waiting on a diagnosis.

I cook the bare minimum most of the time. Half the time I live off of cheese and toast, that’s enough for me to manage at the end of the day function wise. I have had nights where all I have eaten are crisps.

I try to buy simple stuff now - pre cooked chicken, chopped veg. For years when I moved out I lived off of tuna/pasta.

I think for me it’s about learning systems of how to manage stuff, and it’s taken till over forty to get to that stage. I still struggle. My house is much messier than other peoples, and I find it hard to keep on top of cleaning.

hasher won’t help, but he does need to start finding systems and ways to help himself. Can you support him to google ideas? Find suggestions on tik tok? Find other simple things he can cook/eat?

Original poster
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:34

Simonjt · 18/02/2023 19:26

Is he appropriately medicated? 16-20 is a really common time for people with adhd to really struggle to find an appropriate dose of medication, its a really common time for those of us with adhd to be a bit of a disaster at life.

This is why I don’t want to be too harsh. Although I feel like I’m failing to prepare him for adulthood. He’ll smoke some cannabis from time to time which I totally disapprove of but we’ve had such a difficult time with him from a young child (behaviour and school refuser) he’s a lot better (in that way).

I realise there’s no simple solution but he has come along way, sometimes I feel that maybe I need to look at the bigger picture and he’ll ‘grow up’ when he’s ready. He is quite immature for his age and his Dad and I feel that we have had to lower our expectations generally. We are very pleased he has a job where he’s actually got passed the probation period (3 months) his previous two jobs he was fired for not conforming and inability to follow instructions.

just wish he’d pick up his wet towels and pants himself 😬

OP posts:
AtleastitsnotMonday · 18/02/2023 19:37

It's too easy for him not to cook if there are alternatives in the cupboard. I'd remove the pot noodles etc. If he wants you to make a sandwich refuse to make it but stay with him talking him through each step. If he wants other stuff focus on teaching him absolute minimum stage things. Eg. Sliced bread in toaster, those individual snap pots of beans in microwave. 2 steps. It's quite possible that the multiple commands of anything more complex are just too overwhelming for the adhd. A lot of it will probably be confidence. He has probably got the mind set of 'I can't cook'.

With the washing you need to stop doing it. When he moans stand beside him and take him through the steps one by one each and every time until he gets it.

Jadviga · 18/02/2023 19:46

In my experience the only way to get someone to change (or at least to stop their behaviours impacting you) is to shift the burden back to them.

So long as you cook/clean for him he won't. So you need to stop, period. If he leaves stuff lying around you can chuck it back in his room (which can be as mess as it needs to be, keep the door closed). Don't buy crisps. Do buy pasta (nothing wrong with him making himself some), along maybe with tinned pasta sauces (that's at least a little bit of vegetables for him to eat).

Don't wash his clothes, he can either wash them or wear dirty clothes.

If he says he is hungry/doesn't have clean clothes you can tell him what to do (at first) but not do it for him and not show him (cos "showing him" will always end up with you doing it for him). You can explain "put your clothes in the machine, now take the soap, you need x amount, then you can use x program". But he does it.

For this to work though you need to be very consistent and expect it to take a while. But he needs to learn those skills sooner or later, so brace yourself - he'll leave home soon enough and he'll need to be able to do this stuff.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2023 19:58

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:16

I don’t want him to move out, I just want him to clean up a bit

Show quote history

Stop doing it for him then.

Seaweed42 · 18/02/2023 19:59

It's called 'being a teenager'.
Perfectly normal.
I hope you don't call him lazy to his face.

Original poster
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 20:06

RedHelenB · 18/02/2023 19:58

Stop doing it for him then.

Show quote history

That’s so helpful thank you- I hadn’t thought of that 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 20:06

Jadviga · 18/02/2023 19:46

In my experience the only way to get someone to change (or at least to stop their behaviours impacting you) is to shift the burden back to them.

So long as you cook/clean for him he won't. So you need to stop, period. If he leaves stuff lying around you can chuck it back in his room (which can be as mess as it needs to be, keep the door closed). Don't buy crisps. Do buy pasta (nothing wrong with him making himself some), along maybe with tinned pasta sauces (that's at least a little bit of vegetables for him to eat).

Don't wash his clothes, he can either wash them or wear dirty clothes.

If he says he is hungry/doesn't have clean clothes you can tell him what to do (at first) but not do it for him and not show him (cos "showing him" will always end up with you doing it for him). You can explain "put your clothes in the machine, now take the soap, you need x amount, then you can use x program". But he does it.

For this to work though you need to be very consistent and expect it to take a while. But he needs to learn those skills sooner or later, so brace yourself - he'll leave home soon enough and he'll need to be able to do this stuff.

This makes sense thank you

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 18/02/2023 20:07

Christ. Have some pity, posters. This is not a lazy man it's a struggling man.

I have a diagnosis of adhd. Cooking is a horror. I have learned after decades to do the basics. That's eating cold beans from a tin, pot noodles, instant potato mash with instant Dahl. A tomato. I live alone and have a cleaner. It's tucking g hard to do this "adult" stuff. Sounds like OP is a kind and loving mother.

Decide your absolute must-have. So is it the towels, the lack of cooking? The washing pile? What specifically grinds your gears? Tell him one thing. One thing. Coach him step by step ... go through and sniff what's dirty, then take the clothes down to the washing machine, do this do that put it on, set alarm for 90 mins blah ...

The reason adhd is a diagnosable illness is because it has a chronic constant negative impact on daily life. Basics are HARD.