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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Lazy DS will not make food

97 replies

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 19:11

I’m at a loss with DS17. He is lazy on a completely new level. He does go to work but he just will not tidy up after himself or make any food. His clothes are constantly strewn all over the floor and he won’t make any food himself unless he’s desperate and then he will ‘prepare’ pot noodle.

I have tried and tried refusing to do anything like his washing or cooking but always cave as the mess in his room gives me anxiety and I can’t live like it, if I refuse to make him food he will just eat several bags of crisps rather than make a sandwich or boil some pasta. I do cook all main meals which I don’t mind but he eats a lot and wants me to make endless sandwiches/ bowls of pasta.

He does have ADHD and struggles with simple instructions, I have tried doing things like preparing food with him and I have recorded myself putting a wash load on and WhatsApped him the video.

Alas nothing changes and he just says ‘I can’t do it’. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice please?

OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 18/02/2023 21:05

BertieBotts · 18/02/2023 20:37

You need to look up the Russell Barkley lecture on youtube, it's called something like 30 essential ideas parents need to know about ADHD.

He will be shattered/exhausted from work. He is working harder than somebody without ADHD would have to work to keep going. If he is on medication, it's usually timed to be wearing off just at the end of the working day (this is something that really gets my goat, but that's another topic.) If he is not on medication, then he's working doubly as hard just to meet a baseline that every employee will be expected to meet.

On top of this his executive functioning (essentially, "adulting" - any kind of life organisation, looking after yourself) skills are likely to be a few years behind what his actual age is, which is why he probably comes across as immature in some ways. So yes, while it is reasonable to expect a 17 year old to do their own cooking and laundry, how much of that would you expect of a 13/14 year old? Taking some of the load off him won't infantilise him if he just needs a bit more time to mature.

I can't do ANYTHING in the early evenings if I've been tired out by the day - I'm literally a zombie. I have burnt so many pans dry (alerted by the smell of smoke as the pasta/rice starts to smoulder) because I have absolutely no sense of time and it doesn't feel like it's been 10 minutes but actually it's been 50. DH bought me a rice cooker, brilliant thing because you can't overcook the rice. However if I was just cooking for myself and not the DC, I wouldn't even bother with this because I'd have to cook something to go with it (unless I'd done a chilli/curry/something else in the slow cooker earlier, perhaps). If I set an alarm then I turn it off and think it's been 2 minutes but it's actually been 20.

Could you have a bit of a brainstorm all of the adults in the house including the GF if you like - see if you can set up something like a laundry rota with him only having to think about laundry at weekends, a batch cooking rota so that there are meals to heat up in the microwave throughout the week, and he can practice some more basic cooking as and when he has the energy and headspace to do it. I rely a lot on convenience foods (and DH).

For the room maybe offer to help him get it organised if it needs it so that everything is easy to put away, but try not to control too much - it doesn't matter really if he's keeping clean clothes in a laundry basket and wearing them straight out of that, bypassing a drawer. (If it uses up a laundry basket that you need, buy another one or get him to.) It might matter if he's balling up wet towels and leaving them on the floor - perhaps get a hook or a rail for the bathroom. It might matter if he's keeping half eaten food in the room to go mouldy, so maybe do a call out in the evening for dirty plates (etc) to go into the dishwasher/washing up load, but any mess that is "clean" - that's really up to him to decide if it bothers him or not.

Help him identify at which points of the day/week he has more capacity and which times he just needs to chill with no expectations placed on him.

Thank you!

This is such a thoughtful and considered reply.

Op, I have adhd. I struggle with things your son does from time to time still, even as someone a lot older than him, with a good career, with children. I was where he is at his age...and older Blush

You have to separate the replies from people who have experience with adhd, from the people who don't. Although I know everyone replying means well Flowers

DariaMorgendorffer · 18/02/2023 21:06

Nn9011 · 18/02/2023 20:47

This has made me so sad for your son. The fact that you know he has ADHD but still describe him as lazy is heartbreaking. It can be so hard to be able to function with ADHD. I can just about cope with work and struggle with all the things you've described and I'm a 30 year old woman.
I think you need to remember that your child has a disability.
I'm not saying that it's ok he never learns to be able to cook or clean but you need to approach this from a how do we help him manage his symptoms pov.
From my own experience it is not that I don't want to do things but the idea of doing it, even just eating food can be so overwhelming sometimes that I will wait until I literally can't wait any more.
Please be kinder and use better language. I have no doubt it's frustrating but the fact he is working, keeping a relationship going etc, that is tough in itself.

Wise (and kind) words.

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:07

This is quite interesting- with the exception of a handful of posts he’s either an entitled man child or I’m disgraceful and unkind to dare call him lazy!

ADHD or not, he can be lazy! Lazy is not a swear word, we can all be lazy sometimes, even me! Lazy is not used as a criticism in our house, it’s part of being human. I get the impression if I refer to him as lazy (which is always tongue in cheek) and not that often, he finds it a term of endearment as he gives me a cheeky wink.

He was employee of the month a couple of weeks ago, it’s literally been the topic of conversation since, he’s so chuffed with himself. He won’t stop going on about it 😂 his Dad and I both very proud of him and extremely supportive. I can assure you he’s not in the slightest offended by the word lazy.

OP posts:
LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:09

DariaMorgendorffer · 18/02/2023 21:05

Thank you!

This is such a thoughtful and considered reply.

Op, I have adhd. I struggle with things your son does from time to time still, even as someone a lot older than him, with a good career, with children. I was where he is at his age...and older Blush

You have to separate the replies from people who have experience with adhd, from the people who don't. Although I know everyone replying means well Flowers

Thank you both, excellent advice here

OP posts:
wishmyhousetidy · 18/02/2023 21:10

Seaweed42 · 18/02/2023 19:59

It's called 'being a teenager'.
Perfectly normal.
I hope you don't call him lazy to his face.

why shouldn’t she? There are tasks that he could do and isn’t. I agree many teen are like this and many teens are, including my own very lazy when it comes to helping in the home

Whatdoesitmatterif · 18/02/2023 21:15

Some of these responses are harsh- adhd can make it almost impossible to do things like cooking at times, I'm a full grown adult mother and I cannot manage to keep on top of cooking and cleaning for very long at all, there's a lot of disposable cutlery and takeaways and random fridge stuff as dinners here, expecting neurotypical behaviour from someone who isn't and then punishing them for it is horrible.
for me I try and come up with easy but healthier alternatives- I know someone's I'm just not going to cook a whole meal so things having things ready prepped like salads, healthier ready meals, fruit for snacks etc is what I tend to do.

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:17

Whatdoesitmatterif · 18/02/2023 21:15

Some of these responses are harsh- adhd can make it almost impossible to do things like cooking at times, I'm a full grown adult mother and I cannot manage to keep on top of cooking and cleaning for very long at all, there's a lot of disposable cutlery and takeaways and random fridge stuff as dinners here, expecting neurotypical behaviour from someone who isn't and then punishing them for it is horrible.
for me I try and come up with easy but healthier alternatives- I know someone's I'm just not going to cook a whole meal so things having things ready prepped like salads, healthier ready meals, fruit for snacks etc is what I tend to do.

Who is being punished?

OP posts:
Whatdoesitmatterif · 18/02/2023 21:19

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:17

Who is being punished?

I didn't mean you were punishing him, I meant the posters who are saying things like he should be made to move out, have the Wi-Fi password taken away etc

Fairysilver · 18/02/2023 21:19

Some brutal replies on here. You're asking the wrong people OP, MN in general hates teenage boys.
He's 17, it's young, he is immature and he will get better.
I think you'll find that once he's thinking of moving out these things will move up the priority list for him.
Mine were very similar at 17 but they were both working very hard at school and I picked my battles. They are now both fully functioning adults with their own homes who cook and clean just fine.
You are proud of how far he has come and he hasn't been in this job long.
Explain it's for his own good that he needs to learn how to cope with all the boring stuff adhave to do.
Decide on one thing at a time to ask him to work on. Whether that's preparing food or washing , but not a whole list.
Write it down, so to cook pasta write instructions step by step and and don't leave anything out however obvious.

DisneyChops · 18/02/2023 21:19

ADHD certainly makes things harder, but not impossible.
He should be able to cook pasta, and put a washing machine on.
It's a case of whether he's willing to try, even with help.

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:20

Whatdoesitmatterif · 18/02/2023 21:19

I didn't mean you were punishing him, I meant the posters who are saying things like he should be made to move out, have the Wi-Fi password taken away etc

Oh yes I totally agree

OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 18/02/2023 21:27

@wishmyhousetidy

'why shouldn’t she? There are tasks that he could do and isn’t. I agree many teen are like this and many teens are, including my own very lazy when it comes to helping in the home'

Because her son has adhd, which means op's son is not neurotypical (showing patterns of thought and behaviour that are typical of most people), and therefore needs a different type of parenting and understanding, tailored to his specific needs.

C4ou56 · 18/02/2023 21:28

@LazyDS

Another ADHDer here. I have a masters degree and work in a professional role. Due to the demands placed upon me most days I no longer have the executive functioning ability to prepare or cook a basic meal (I receive PIP points because of this).

I cannot complete basic cleaning tasks if unmediated. I’m yet to find a medication that doesn’t make me extremely anxious so my husband does the cleaning in our house.

As I aged my ADHD symptoms became stronger as more and more was placed upon me, including studying and working at the same time.

Would you son consider/be eligible for PIP? If so, would he be willing to use a small portion of it to contribute to the tasks he can’t do, such as paying for a cleaner for his room and a basic meal service?

BertieBotts · 18/02/2023 21:44

Lazy can be quite a loaded word, especially for people with ADHD, it tends to be a perception we develop of ourselves and it can take quite a lot of unpicking to really understand our own barriers because commonly we've only been told that we are lazy and that's that, oh you're just being lazy, well just don't be.

I think I did also used to see it as a harmless funny silly kind of thing, but it can be unhelpful if it gets in the way. For instance you say everyone is lazy, but I think there's a difference in for example choosing to have a day where you don't do much, or a lie in at the weekend, or leave the washing up until the next day. Ultimately that doesn't hurt anybody and they are all perfectly valid choices to make, especially if you're tired. But there's another kind of lazy which is where you're basically pushing work onto somebody else instead. Like the proverbial husband and teenager who put items on top of the dishwasher rather than inside it. Or somebody who pulls a sickie at work knowing that other people will cover them. The thing is that even if you can be lazy sometimes, most people if they slip into problematic laziness then they will act to prevent that. So you wouldn't have a lie in if your friend wants to meet for coffee. You wouldn't leave the washing up for tomorrow if you know that tomorrow is going to be a really busy day. You probably wouldn't dream of lying so that somebody else would do work for you. Those things really are lazy and are much worse than just making a choice that didn't really matter.

So if you have ADHD then it can be really hard to separate out what's just making valid choices that don't hurt anybody, what's making an active choice that is hurting somebody (someone else or your future self) and what is actually a problem caused by a lack of executive functioning/a task requiring a lot of EF. And you can get stuck in a shame spiral where you're basically just shouting at yourself for being lazy and why can't I just do it, and that isn't very productive, it's more effective to break down the task and work out what's getting in the way, can I externalise any parts of it, can I use any short cuts, can I break the task down, can I do it at a non standard time or in a non standard way?

Just thinking "I'm lazy" can get in the way of that kind of productive problem solving and in the meantime the task still doesn't get done, I still think I'm lazy and that creates a toxic cycle where I flagellate myself, feel worse, am less able to do tasks, see myself as useless, end up struggling with depression and anxiety on top of the ADHD.

That's why lazy can be a difficult word for people with ADHD.

LazyDS · 18/02/2023 21:49

Can I ask anyone here who has ADHD do you sleep more? It’s just I know it’s typical for teens to sleep a lot but DS seems to take this to the extreme. For example often his shifts are 5pm till 12. He’ll quite happily sleep until 3 or 4pm then next day. I’m wondering if this is also a mental exhaustion from complying in work, I know he finds it difficult to as he says ‘behave properly’

OP posts:
C4ou56 · 18/02/2023 21:57

@LazyDS I don’t but I struggle to sleep due to anxiety and take a prescribed sedative.

My daughter, who obviously has ADHD and is only three, will most likely be like your son. She can only attend nursery every other day as she needs the next day to recover from the extreme fatigue this creates.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 18/02/2023 22:05

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 19:18

Then you are going to have to leave him to his squalor and malnutrition for a while.

Why are you suggesting that this mother neglects her disabled son?
He has ADHD. These tasks are truly overwhelming for him.
OP i respectfully suggest that you do some research on this, as referring to him as lazy will not be helping. Change your mindset, then find ways to work this between you.
Until you do, the tasks that are simple to you will remain overwhelming to him and you will butt heads.
He has a disability. Find ways to support him.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 18/02/2023 22:06

Horrified at how many of you think that the way to support this disabled young man is to bully berate and starve him.

Snugglemonkey · 18/02/2023 22:10

You are at one if those critical junctures of parenting which will define the man he is becoming. I would definitely seek a review of any meds if he is also struggling at work, then back off and leave him to take over more jobs.

He needs to learn to adult. You could help by batch cooking with him, things like pasta sauces, chilli etc that he can microwave. I would not buy any noodles. You cannot make choices about fois for him, he is pretty much an adult. You can pave the way to healthy choices by supplying nothing like the noodles. If he buys them himself, there is not a lot you can do.

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/02/2023 22:15

ah OP, sounds like he needs some help. My DS1 is 17 and at 14 his only cooking skills were pot noodle and he was really disinterested in cooking/self care etc. I would say he was as lazy and unmotivated as it was possible to be!

Now he is 17 he has really turned a corner and cooks well for himself and is really starting to take responsibility for his well being. ie he did a social media detox/dopamine detox over term entirely of his own volition! Freaked me out a bit!

FWIW I don't think this is typical teen behaviour, it may well be connected to his ADHD and you may need to seek help for this

Nn9011 · 18/02/2023 22:16

Yes absolutely, I remember going to the doctors multiple times as a teenager for tiredness and they would just do a blood test and say I was fine.
For me now I am more tired than others and I think a lot of people with ADHD are the same.
It can be a combination of overwhelm and sensory overload, the sheer mental effort it takes to do things, sleep being impacted, physical efforts to concentrate etc.
There are some really good accounts on Instagram and tiktok of ADHD therapists sharing tools and tips. I'm also currently trying supplements to help manage symptoms as well. These aren't anecdotal but are based on well reviewed studies. I can't say if they're working or not yet but might be worth looking to see if they can help manage symptoms. I take Perimenopause Mind from boots because all the ingredients are actually recommended for ADHD and if you ignore the name there's absolutely nothing specific to women in them.

waterrat · 18/02/2023 22:17

I have adhd. I would break it down and fir example say he has to be with you as you prepare each meal. Teach him a few real basics and this might sound totally banal but does he eat fruit and veg...

As a young adult i survived eating a lot of fruit and simple things like noodles with stir fry veg..or rice peas and veg..or pasta with a sauce i made myself out of 2 veg

Maybe rather than him cooking focus on nutrition lessons. Ban crisps and shit food abd tell him you will help him if he just helos you cook and switches to eating healthy very easy snacks. You want him ij the long run to focus on very healthy easy meals. Even if he only knows 3 recipes.

I feel very compassionate to anyone in this situation but you are helpijg him to live independently

CheeseSquared · 18/02/2023 22:19

I'm sure I am neurodicerse since my eldest was diagnosed.

I have always struggled cooking after work. Honestly think through what is important here. Is it that he eats something - in which case make a list of easy quick fixes - beans on toast, microwaved frozen jacket potatoes, ready meals. Something he can think "oh yes" and do quickly. Make a list of 5 for the week he can visually see and do himself.

Or do you want everyone in the family to have a night they cook? In which case maybe his night can be at the weekend and if his contribution is initially frozen pizzas so be it?

As an adult I have learnt what my.limitations are and I wish I'd learnt this sooner. Going through life saying "why can't I function in the evenings/cook if I've been to work/get up " has just made me feel more of a failure.

If I rhink I have "x" number of spoons and how shall I spend them its learning about my disability. He uses his spoons up working. Yay job!

Maybe each weekend he could coon one meal in advance and build up his repertoire if that's what you want.

Bit keep trying to enforce executive functioning that won't work is like asking someone who can't walk to walk, or a blind person to see. It's a disability and it's so much better to work with what you can do than end up completely berated for what you can't.

PhillySub · 18/02/2023 22:22

In 3 years he could be married and some young woman will be left to try and sort out the mess. Its not fair on you, and won't be fair on her but its all down to you now and how you deal with it or not.

CheeseSquared · 18/02/2023 22:22

Oh the other thing that jelped me was "gousto" boxes. All the ingredients are there ready and you just follow instructions. Makes it so much easier. Worth a thought.

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