Lazy DS will not make food

[LazyDS]

I’m at a loss with DS17. He is lazy on a completely new level. He does go to work but he just will not tidy up after himself or make any food. His clothes are constantly strewn all over the floor and he won’t make any food himself unless he’s desperate and then he will ‘prepare’ pot noodle.

I have tried and tried refusing to do anything like his washing or cooking but always cave as the mess in his room gives me anxiety and I can’t live like it, if I refuse to make him food he will just eat several bags of crisps rather than make a sandwich or boil some pasta. I do cook all main meals which I don’t mind but he eats a lot and wants me to make endless sandwiches/ bowls of pasta.

He does have ADHD and struggles with simple instructions, I have tried doing things like preparing food with him and I have recorded myself putting a wash load on and WhatsApped him the video.

Alas nothing changes and he just says ‘I can’t do it’. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice please?

That is such a good idea, I'm going to remember it for when mine are older!

God. And he's NOT LAZY. He's mentally incapable of finding this stuff easy. Like you're mentally incapable of programming a rocket launch. He's possibly trying incredibly hard - or given up because he thinks he'll never be good enough. It's shaming. Profoundly shaming, to call him lazy.

So is he on medication?

In a few years time when he's got a girlfriend, she will post a thread about how she struggles with his behaviour, not cleaning, not cooking, not sharing the load etc

He will be called every name under the sun on here, she'll be advised to leave him and he's a waste of space etc etc, dont have a child with him for goodness sake

Disorder or not, life skills have to be pushed for young people. Young adults these days are highly infantilised. Its harming them and its harming society.

@wasacasa so that's the answer yes? Medicate him to be "normal?" No matter the long term and short term costs?

Thank you - it is hard, I do try and put myself in his shoes a lot and as I said previously he has really improved in a lot of ways.

on the odd occasion he has tried to make himself something to eat (simple like pasta or toast) inevitably something goes wrong like he burns the toast or he hasn’t put enough water in the pan and the pasta boils dry, he just gets so upset (from frustration) then blames me by saying ‘I told you I couldn’t do it, now look what’s happened!’

In a few years time when he's got a girlfriend, she will post a thread about how she struggles with his behaviour, not cleaning, not cooking, not sharing the load etc

3 adult male children here. We never made them do much. They all cook and clean now. A lot is about personality.

His gf of four years also lives with us, she’s amazingly supportive. She knows all too well how inept he is in some ways, but like us she concentrates on his good points.

despite his faults they both are very happy!

Yes I often do extra food then cover and put in the fridge so he can microwave it the next day, he can cope with the microwave 😁

@anythinginapinch
medication can be really helpful particularly at this age. Once the correct meds/dose has been worked out it will give him the chance to learn the life skills that he will need to make his life as good as possible.
He will still not be neurotypical on meds but it can help with dealing with modern life.
We take medication for lots of reasons why not for ADHD?

Take it back to basics one task at a time what REALLY bugs you work on getting that a routine that works for him then try another we have

Washing basket placed where he usually throws his clothing its easier to manipulate an old habit than to create a new one

Washing machine clear laminated step by step instructions

Recipes simple to the point rice noodles pour stock on and cover with cling film defrost precooked meat drain noodles place in bowl together again laminated cards ready to go

Create new habits one at a time

My adhd daughter does everything to music (and lives alone) my son treats everything like a challenge but he struggles to do anything after school because its hard being on task all day AND all night

It probably related to his ADHD. However, he needs to learn how to manage. If you keep taking care of things, he will never learn. Perhaps, he needs specialist input.

He’s only 17 and had additional needs. I’d cut him some slack.

He needs support and encouragement.

Our boys are 19 and 23 and completely self sufficient. One is at uni and one lives with mates.

They were encouraged to learn to cook and help with housework from an early age. But at 17, we didn’t expect them to be looking after themselves in all aspects, and certainly, most of their meals were prepared for them.

Toughen up he's learned how to get you to do it. Why do you even go into his room? Have you expected him to do chores since he was little?

I agree, when we were at breaking point when he was 13/14 I practically begged for him to come to the GP with a view to some kind of medication, but he refused and had always maintained there was nothing wrong with him.

at the time he was trashing his room, having violent outbursts, running away, refusing to go to school, regularly being brought home by the police etc. Given what we’ve been through he’s a completely different person now (thank god), he’s lovely (most of the time) I think sometimes I’m stressing about the (comparatively) little things and wonder whether he just needs more time to ‘grow up’.

His GF (also 17) is marvellous with him. She’s mature and reasonable and tells him off regularly- luckily he listens to her a bit more than me and his Dad.

Wow, he’s heading towards being an entitled man child isn’t he ! He’s 17, close the door on the mess, don’t be a doormat and stop waiting on him hand and foot. If you don’t keep a supply of crisps and pot noodles in, then he can either make himself some proper food or starve. You really aren’t doing him any favours op. My 12 year old was perfectly capable of operating a washing machine.

This is what half of me keeps saying, cut him some slack, then half of me worries that he won’t ever be able to operate the washing machine or cook a simple meal. I feel so torn.

Glad your boys have blossomed 😊

He can't manage cooking at night,
Could you help him batch cook at the weekend so he has a bunch of things to microwave in the week?

Or help him put something in a slow cooker in the morning?
Microwaving some chilli to have with a potato or wrap or tortilla chips in the evening would be more nutritious than the pot noodle or crisps.

I get it. DS is 18 and has ASD and is messy and won't cook. He would live off crisps and bread if I didn't cook for him.
One of the reasons he won't cook is that there are usually too many steps or tasks involved so he keeps it simple and sticks with sandwiches and toast. He can cook oven food if I guide him through it. But the main reason he won't cook is that he has massive anxiety around the oven and hob and is petrified of leaving the gas on or the oven catching fire. That's way too big to tackle right now so I'm focusing on the things he's comfortable doing like washing clothes, dishes, hoovering, bins, tidying up in the living room etc

We're slowly getting him independent and it's one step at a time.

As for the mess in his room, I just don't go in there.

I'm talking here as the mum of a neorotypical child.

She was as a teenager and now as an adult, very very untidy, as is her partner - we share a house. My line in the sand was, and still is, if your personal spaces are untidy (in the current situation, their bedroom and living room) that's your business, once that starts impinging on joint area (dining room and kitchen) then it's not on.

As adults, hat they eat and when I'd their business. When daughter was a teenager, I'd happily cook her meal, she now relays that by frequently cooking my meals for me.

This is very helpful thank you. It’s a battle isn’t it! Mine would also live off crisps and bread!

You need to look up the Russell Barkley lecture on youtube, it's called something like 30 essential ideas parents need to know about ADHD.

He will be shattered/exhausted from work. He is working harder than somebody without ADHD would have to work to keep going. If he is on medication, it's usually timed to be wearing off just at the end of the working day (this is something that really gets my goat, but that's another topic.) If he is not on medication, then he's working doubly as hard just to meet a baseline that every employee will be expected to meet.

On top of this his executive functioning (essentially, "adulting" - any kind of life organisation, looking after yourself) skills are likely to be a few years behind what his actual age is, which is why he probably comes across as immature in some ways. So yes, while it is reasonable to expect a 17 year old to do their own cooking and laundry, how much of that would you expect of a 13/14 year old? Taking some of the load off him won't infantilise him if he just needs a bit more time to mature.

I can't do ANYTHING in the early evenings if I've been tired out by the day - I'm literally a zombie. I have burnt so many pans dry (alerted by the smell of smoke as the pasta/rice starts to smoulder) because I have absolutely no sense of time and it doesn't feel like it's been 10 minutes but actually it's been 50. DH bought me a rice cooker, brilliant thing because you can't overcook the rice. However if I was just cooking for myself and not the DC, I wouldn't even bother with this because I'd have to cook something to go with it (unless I'd done a chilli/curry/something else in the slow cooker earlier, perhaps). If I set an alarm then I turn it off and think it's been 2 minutes but it's actually been 20.

Could you have a bit of a brainstorm all of the adults in the house including the GF if you like - see if you can set up something like a laundry rota with him only having to think about laundry at weekends, a batch cooking rota so that there are meals to heat up in the microwave throughout the week, and he can practice some more basic cooking as and when he has the energy and headspace to do it. I rely a lot on convenience foods (and DH).

For the room maybe offer to help him get it organised if it needs it so that everything is easy to put away, but try not to control too much - it doesn't matter really if he's keeping clean clothes in a laundry basket and wearing them straight out of that, bypassing a drawer. (If it uses up a laundry basket that you need, buy another one or get him to.) It might matter if he's balling up wet towels and leaving them on the floor - perhaps get a hook or a rail for the bathroom. It might matter if he's keeping half eaten food in the room to go mouldy, so maybe do a call out in the evening for dirty plates (etc) to go into the dishwasher/washing up load, but any mess that is "clean" - that's really up to him to decide if it bothers him or not.

Help him identify at which points of the day/week he has more capacity and which times he just needs to chill with no expectations placed on him.

This has made me so sad for your son. The fact that you know he has ADHD but still describe him as lazy is heartbreaking. It can be so hard to be able to function with ADHD. I can just about cope with work and struggle with all the things you've described and I'm a 30 year old woman.
I think you need to remember that your child has a disability.
I'm not saying that it's ok he never learns to be able to cook or clean but you need to approach this from a how do we help him manage his symptoms pov.
From my own experience it is not that I don't want to do things but the idea of doing it, even just eating food can be so overwhelming sometimes that I will wait until I literally can't wait any more.
Please be kinder and use better language. I have no doubt it's frustrating but the fact he is working, keeping a relationship going etc, that is tough in itself.

First: stay out of his room. Let him leave his room in a mess. Give him the independence. Might be tough on your anxiety but think of his room as a neighbour rather than a son, and you wouldn't go into your neighbours room and clean it!

As for food, I'd offer him two choices, either eat the same as the family, or make your own pot noodles. Don't tell him that he's wrong ,junk food isn't going to kill him, lots of boys at that age eat crap food, he might decide to switch option later. Again it's about his independence.

As for laundry, maybe you could compromise. Mess in his bedroom is one thing but if it spreads to communal rooms then that could be a problem. I'd be tempted to offer something like "you're going to have to do all your washing from now on, I can show you again how to do it, OR if you leave the bathroom and kitchen in the same state that you find it, then I'll do your washing, however I'm not coming in your room to get it or put it away. Use the basket in the bathroom. But if I find your wet towels on the floor or your dirty plates in the sink then the deal is off"

Let's extend some kindness to OP as well, we are fed these narratives that if a child isn't doing something expected it's because they are lazy/naughty/just don't want to/can't be bothered/would prefer to do something else, and it's our job as parents to force them kicking and screaming into being functioning adult humans, and we've failed if we haven't done that by 18 - it can be hard to move past that mindset. And I think honestly, it's only quite recently that some really good information about ADHD has been around - most people think it only affects concentration, school work and impulsivity. They wouldn't imagine that it affects things like energy levels, performing everyday tasks. This is totally new (or missing) information for a lot of people.

Now that more adults are being diagnosed and are curious about themselves there is much more information around about it which is great. The best thing you can do if you have ADHD or a child with ADHD is learn as much as you can about it. The second best thing is that the person with ADHD should be on the best medication for them. And the third is adapting the environment to best meet their needs.

Interestingly I'm in this "zombie state" (probably because DS3 isn't sleeping well, DS2 has been hard work today, and I did some tidying/decluttering today) - I couldn't go and cook or do anything right now. The physical act of moving feels almost impossible. Even if I wanted a drink or something. But I can compose and respond to this post, I think because it's an area where I have a really strong interest. In contrast, I just went and tried to read something interesting on reddit and all the words swam around and the meanings of them wouldn't get into my brain, like wasps bouncing off a pane of glass. DH bought the Harry Potter game and keeps wanting me to play it, but I couldn't focus on a game now. I have a guitar in the corner I keep wanting to play, but can't get started on that either. I should go to bed, but that involves standing up which is something that feels very difficult. Every part of my body feels heavy and fuzzy.