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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

do you think i should get my dd13 a phone

77 replies

M1903625 · 11/02/2023 18:34

DD13 has never had her own iPhone, or any other phone for that matter. She hasn’t asked for one yet, but i think she would really like one. She’s probably starting to feel left out (not included on whatsapp etc) but I don’t think she is very mature enough. `she might lose it or break it or get messages from someone she doesn’t know. There are so may dangers out there i feel she is susceptible to. Does anyone have a happy no-phone teen? One girl in DDs year is sometimes verbally bullied for stuff including being old fashioned (not using phone or ipad/ using paper instead) I dont want this happening for my DD. ~She’s probably the odd one out. can’t message friends for meet ups or homework. I think she doesnt want to ask because she doesnt want to pressure me into buying her one - but everyone is so online / tiktok trends idk what to do?!

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 11/02/2023 18:37

In honesty, I’m surprised you haven’t got one before.
Just tell her you’ll be reviewing it randomly. You can only stop so much. I don’t allow Snapchat or TikTok for Ds but do allow WhatsApp.

shmiz · 11/02/2023 18:37

Being the odd one out is massive for a teen
let her have a phone !
learning to use a phone responsibly is now an essential life skill

idril · 11/02/2023 18:38

Yes, I think you should get her a phone. Get her an old model second hand if you are worried about her losing it. She needs to learn how to use a phone responsibly even if that means supervision from you if that makes you feel better. I always said to my children that whilst I wouldn't intrude for sake of it, I retained the right to check their phones at any point if I had concerns.

Social media is a nightmare for sure but you really can't escape it.

GreenLeavesRustling · 11/02/2023 18:40

We have two very happy very social no phone teens.
and we have avoided a world of pain so far according to other parents (and them) by them not having phones.
and they have effectively managed a number of tricky situations (eg bus not arriving) very successfully.

when they ask, we will consider it. For now, they ‘can only see downsides’

they do have internet access etc and laptops.

unrsnblyannoyd · 11/02/2023 18:42

Does she want one? If you're not convinced she's mature enough to manage one then don't feel pressured to getting her one. She can message friends to arrange meet ups from yours. DS is the only one in his class who doesn't have one. We miss out on loads. We don't have the phone calls / emails / letters home about phone usage in school. We don't have the 24/7 access for bullying. We don't have interruptions at family mealtimes while the damn things are pinging incessantly. Some things it's worth missing ;)

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 18:45

Phones are useful for checking homework, bus times, DS manages his banking on his phone app & sells on vinted. So I think they're useful for things other than social media. Could you get one and say no to Snapchat? WhatsApp would help her stay in touch.

RJnomore1 · 11/02/2023 18:51

Honestly, you want to teach her responsible use and how to set boundaries around use while she’s still young enough for you to set rules with her. I wouldn’t wait much longer to be doing that.

Original poster
M1903625 · 11/02/2023 18:51

@GreenLeavesRustling
That’s nice to hear. At times, did they miss out on anything or get bullied?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 11/02/2023 18:56

I'm surprised your DD doesn't have a phone yet @M1903625. Does she not get a bus to school?

When DD started secondary school 12 years ago she and her new friends were texting each other all the time. They didn't have social media, and WhatsApp wasn't around at the time, but yes, your DD will miss out socially by not having a phone. How do her friends contact her?

Zola1 · 11/02/2023 18:58

I don't know how my 12 year old would make her life work without a phone to be honest, she is always arranging to see friends or to tell me she's going to a friends house, her bank card and bus pass etc are on her phone, and she regularly calls or texts friends to ask about homework or dates for things etc. I think it's much better to teach them to use tech safely when they're young enough to care what you think, rather that end up with a 15 year old with no knowledge suddenly acquiring a phone znd having no ability to manage all the new social situations etc.
Have seen a kid who wasn't allowed a phone til her dad sneaked her one on a visit when she was 15, she literally went off the rails because no one had taught her slowly slowly.

Original poster
M1903625 · 11/02/2023 19:01

No my DD doesn’t take a bus to school. Contact is usually through my phone or email. I think I will have a chat with her later about this.

OP posts:
FenghuangHoyan · 11/02/2023 19:02

We decided against getting out kids phones when all their friends did. There friends then ended up bullying each other and falling out on WhatsApp. My kids have thanked us for not letting them do so at the time since. We were getting pressure from our parents to give them a phone and stood firm. The evidence we saw (we've both studied child development and mental health) said that social media and phones have a negative impact on well being, so why would we?

We have given them phones since, but they're more mature now and their Sims are low data. We still block social media and they've continued to thank us for doing so as their friends have continued to abuse each other over it. I've told them to them their friends that they're parents are Amish.

Youdoyoubabe · 11/02/2023 19:03

If you can get away without getting her one don't. Once you do ... you will lose her for a few years.... she'll come back though... but she'sll be different.

wait... that might jsut be puberty. Avoid the phone if you can....

knottsberryfarm · 11/02/2023 19:04

Better to get one now and apply limits on usage apps etc. you already know she is left out of chats and meet ups. Anyone can lose a phone. You can get a cheap one or second hand. Why not surprise her?

GandTtwice · 11/02/2023 19:10

Yes I think she needs a phone at 13. You can put parental controls on it and check it regularly. How will she learn responsible phone behaviour if she never has one. So much of life is conducted on phones that the lack of phone may mean she is missing out on casual friendship group contacts

redskydelight · 11/02/2023 19:13

If she doesn't have a phone how does she:
make arrangements to meet with friends / let you know if she wants to stay for an after school club or go to a friend's house after school / let you know when she needs picking up / let you know if she's lost while out / have access to school emails / take photos of homework or notes from the board / access educational apps at school / do phone banking? Probably more that I can't think of off the top of my head.

Unless you have a real reason to think your DD is less mature than others of her age, please just get her one. Also, quite worrying that you think she's not asking because she thinks you won't get her one. Just for info, the child in DS's year whose parents refused to get him a phone just bought one in secret. It meant his parents had no idea what he was accessing. If you buy her a phone you can agree ground rules and monitor her use.

Original poster
M1903625 · 11/02/2023 19:16

my dd doesnt have a bank account tho

OP posts:
redskydelight · 11/02/2023 19:16

GreenLeavesRustling · 11/02/2023 18:40

We have two very happy very social no phone teens.
and we have avoided a world of pain so far according to other parents (and them) by them not having phones.
and they have effectively managed a number of tricky situations (eg bus not arriving) very successfully.

when they ask, we will consider it. For now, they ‘can only see downsides’

they do have internet access etc and laptops.

If they have internet access and laptops they are probably using those to do a lot of things that most teens do through a phone. e.g. use of social media. Not the same as having no access to tech and could still cause some of the problems OP is worried about.

RJnomore1 · 11/02/2023 19:17

Why does your child not have a bank account?

what ARE you actively doing to teach her life skills and how to safely navigate the adult world?

DillDanding · 11/02/2023 19:18

13? Yes. Get her a phone.

It shouldn’t be massively important, but it is.

redskydelight · 11/02/2023 19:19

M1903625 · 11/02/2023 19:16

my dd doesnt have a bank account tho

That's also pretty unusual at 13.

OP - nicely, do you think you may be babying your teenager? Does she have independence in other ways?

tillyoumakeit · 11/02/2023 19:19

Yes get her a phone. A very wise woman, much older than me once said "you have to let them love on their own time" about kids and tech. It really stuck with me (she has raised two children and has several grandchildren).

FenghuangHoyan · 11/02/2023 19:24

RJnomore1 · 11/02/2023 19:17

Why does your child not have a bank account?

what ARE you actively doing to teach her life skills and how to safely navigate the adult world?

What she is doing is considering what they do and don't need based on their knowledge of their child.

I don't think that not having a bank account or phone at 13 means she's failing as a mum. I personally think the latter means she's been sensible and not just doing what everyone else does.

Favouritefruits · 11/02/2023 19:29

I can understand a child not having a phone but surely she needs a bank account, how does she save her money? Where does she put birthday/Christmas money? You really need to sort a bank account out for her, it’s a important step towards adulthood.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 11/02/2023 19:30

She doesn’t need to have a phone and if she’s happy and isn’t asking for one then you don’t have to get her one.

that said I don’t know any 13 year olds without a phone. My dds would have struggled to arrange things like meeting up with friends without one at secondary. But everyone’s different.

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