do you think i should get my dd13 a phone

[M1903625]

DD13 has never had her own iPhone, or any other phone for that matter. She hasn’t asked for one yet, but i think she would really like one. She’s probably starting to feel left out (not included on whatsapp etc) but I don’t think she is very mature enough. `she might lose it or break it or get messages from someone she doesn’t know. There are so may dangers out there i feel she is susceptible to. Does anyone have a happy no-phone teen? One girl in DDs year is sometimes verbally bullied for stuff including being old fashioned (not using phone or ipad/ using paper instead) I dont want this happening for my DD. ~She’s probably the odd one out. can’t message friends for meet ups or homework. I think she doesnt want to ask because she doesnt want to pressure me into buying her one - but everyone is so online / tiktok trends idk what to do?!

Why not just ask her if she wants one? But I agree with PP that she may be socially isolated without a phone. How does she arrange to see friends at the moment?

Very easy to put rules in place re when and where she has it and the amount of supervision. I’d start by checking it very frequently and limiting use quite strictly. Definitely no phones in her room overnight.

Get her a bank account too!

Yes I would get one.

I think teaching them how long to manage adult things whilst they can ask for help and be monitored to a degree.

Why doesn't she have a bank account.

How does she arrange meet ups with her friends? Mine had them at 8 and 10. They don't have random numbers and I've told them about the dangers. They don't post on social media.

DD is Yr8 and has had a phone since Christmas in Yr6. Only positives here. It's meant she's kept in close contact with some of her friends who have gone to a different secondary school, can keep me updated if after school or sports events have overrun and, as she becomes more independent, can check in if she needs or wants to without making a fuss. The way some of her lessons are taught involves them accessing various apps & websites so it would be inconvenient if she was always having to look over someone's shoulder.

This is really great to hear.

Recent research/experiments also prove that teens are so much better off without them.

Can there not be a social change to discourage parents from giving teens smartphones? I know there are conveniences but, to me, the main reason they're given them is so each individual isn't "left out"!

Surely being without a smartphone would improve young peoples' mental health and development?

Are you sure that the 'old fashioned teen' that's getting bullied isn't her way of telling you?

Has she got a laptop? How does she arrange her social life? Isn't she very lonely during the summer holidays? How does she buy herself anything?

We all know the research about smart phones. We also all know that being lonely and isolated as a teenager isn't good either.

If she's genuinely not bothered by this I think I'd just want a real close look at her social life etc and make sure that it's not actually her trying to avoid something like bullying that's already happening.

It’s hard being a 13 year old girl. Don’t make her that odd bod that doesn’t have a phone.

Yes you should. From 11 I’d say, otherwise they are excluded from a friend network which is part of their social development.

There are lots of articles about how to manage teens and phones - read some of those and decide how you want to manage it. But do her her one.

Well I these are valid points, but you can’t un-invent fire, you can only manage it.

Yes definitely, I'm surprised that she hasn't got one already.

In the nicest possible way I think you need to get a bank account sorted. It's a good life skill. I always think our job is to make children as independent as possible. I put pocket money onto card & then both mine manage what they buy. It means if they're out without me I cam top up too.

She has no phone...she has no bank account ....what else doesn't she have? 🙄

Op I'd get her a phone, second hand or hand me down, or new, or cheaper andriod but I'd get her a phone.
You can guarantee if girls in her year are verbally abusing / teasing the other girl for being old fashioned not having a phone they are also teasing your DD.

I'd be surprised at any kid starting secondary without a phone, never mind being 2nd or 3rd year.

Op how does she listen or access music?

I have a 13-year-old and I honestly can't believe some teens manage without phones. How can they have a social life when all their friends are constantly calling/texting each other?! How does she contact you in case she needs something/is running late etc etc? How does she ask friends about homework?

It's very odd nowadays and makes her stand out in a bad way. Even my daughter's more studious friends all have phones.

The only teen without a phone we know were from a very odd family and even their kids have phones now. How do they communicate with their friends?

No. Wait as long as you can.

@Franticbutterfly I think Op has already waited as long as she can. If she really doesn't want her to have a smart phone she should at least have a basic phone. She's 13 needs to be able to communicate with friends and have text as a bare minimum.

My teen has a brick phone. No social media. It is possible. He's happy.

My dd13 doesn't have a bank account- she has good old cash in a piggy bank however I cannot imagine how she'd conduct friendship arrangement without a phone. I'd say get her one now when you can still legitimately monitor what she's doing on it. 13 is quite late for that though and after 2 years of very careful monitoring of my DD's I feel at 13 she misses a bit more privacy and has shown she's ready for that. You've missed that window

I am in awe of these non phone teens. How ?! We held off until year 6 but hell would freeze over before my 14 and 16year olds gave up their phones. They are girls and the younger one in particular very very social.

And don’t they need a bank card for when they are out and about? How do they manage getting bus / going to Wagamama’s with pals etc ?

My dd used to use my Monzo account but after having lost the card 3 times i put a stop to it. She'd pay cash in Wagamamas

My DD has a phone because she walks to and from school, meets her friends in town etc. (No social media but she’s okay with that.) I know people say hold off, but when I grew up there were lots of phone boxes and public telephones, I always had change, phone card or one of those cards that allowed me to phone home and parents paid for it. The school had a pay phone if we needed to phone home and say we were staying late. We remembered people’s numbers. There are so few phone boxes now or public phones that I wouldn’t be happy for DD to be out and about because there would be no easy way of getting in touch with me.

I am old fashioned in my parenting ways and am no fan of phones. BUT, I am very surprised your DD doesn't have a phone. My DD had one from age 11 onwards as she got the bus to school. DS is 10 and he will be getting one on his 11th bday.

What I did, rules wise with DDs phone:

No TikTok or Snapchat allowed, even now she is 16 (learnt this one on the go and put this rule in after I saw a few things on those apps I wasn't happy with)

No electronics in her room overnight, phone charges in living room

I have full access to the phone and checked it every day (less so now she is older and I know she uses it appropriately)

She has had periods of up to 2 weeks where the phone has been confiscated (even tho she gets the bus to school, I still confiscated it for school journeys too)

Put time limits on how long she's allowed on it for

At one point we went on holiday for a fortnight and she had to leave her phone at home because I thought she'd enjoy the holiday better without the phone.

I would say as long as you have strict boundaries and rules, AND as long as you check the phone every day, it'll be ok.