Overwieght

[Estherpologist]

How do get a teen to care about being significantly overweight without getting accused of "fat-shaming"?

What is causing them to be overweight? What they eat at home, what they buy to eat out of the home or activity levels?

What do you mean by significantly overweight? If my teen was significantly overweight I’d blame myself to be honest, and would be looking to make massive changes in the family diet and lifestyle.

It's not that simple though, is it? My DD is 12 and has started to gain weight significantly since she's started going out a bit on her own with friends and round to friends houses. I don't buy junk food, there's only healthy stuff in at home so she eats healthily at home. However, I can't control what she eats the rest of the time at friends' houses and spending her pocket money on sweets and sugary drinks. The OP is right, it's about getting them to think about it themselves and to start to consider nutrition in healthy terms now in preparation for adulthood. I talk a lot about healthy nutrition for feeling good and being healthy, not in relation to weight. It's not working though.

I was an overweight teen who binged on junk because I was miserable. I hated being overweight but my parents going on and on about it made me shrug, refuse to discuss it and feel desperate to eat more as soon as I was away from them. They would have described me as a confident happy teen.

In all honesty at 12 she must gave a fair amount of pocket money to have enough to buy the junk it takes to become significantly overweight.

This is a genuine question and not intended to be goady - what do you think they could/should have done to help you? Would would have felt supportive rather than shaming?

Sport sport and sport

I find it deeply upsetting when parents look to blame their teens in being overweight. I have seen it with so many friends. It is always the same parents who haven't made an effort really for years. It almost never comes from the child.
It's hard but true the only overweight teens I know have had parents that haven't really fed them consistently particularly well and/or encouraged enough activity. The ones that sneered at offering kids fruit /veg sticks after school and not processed food. The parents often have quite inactive lifestyles (the parents and kids) or focus on themselves but not the kids.
Ie lots of car journeys because walking a couple of miles is "too far". No sport clubs or gyms. No family walks or football in the park. Too much food and too little veg. So often the parents who ignored the "your child is overweight letter" and dismissed it as puppy fat. Gave them crisps or pudding or chocolate everyday. Didnt get them to try out lots of sports and stand in endless wet fields or boring swimming pools to get them moving.
Where I live about 30% of kids are obese by year 6. I could have told you they would be by nursery.
Teens who eat shite need to balance it out by moving a lot. Limit their money, make sure the food they eat at home is really healthy, encourage activity, don't give them lifts, model good behaviour. I work in health and to see the outcomes of people who were overweight from a young age is awful. It's a ticking time bomb.
I know I sound like a sanctimonious dick, and obviously there are multiple reasons why parents haven't been able to feed their kids healthy or get them to move (money, time, poor health, lack of motivation) I get it because it's hard, but so many people don't prioritise it and I honestly can't think of anything more important than good health. I feel like I have watched all these gorgeous kids grow up around me ( I have 4 kids so lots of friends) and can see some of their lovely friends get bigger and bigger and be less and less mobile and comfortable in their own skin. 3 of mine are teens now and about half their friends are overweight. They are beautiful kids but you can see them pulling down their tops awkwardly, unable to run aged 15 for more than a few metres, and I can't think how they will ever know how it feels to be fit.
Rant over

What could they have done?

put a stop to my bullying, violent older sibling.

Done something about their own behaviour towards each other so the atmosphere at home wasn’t so volatile.

Set a better example on how to deal with difficult emotions other than treating them with junk food.

Allowed some “junk” or snacks in the house. It was famine in the house and feast when you left. Takeaways, junk food, anything was allowed once you left the house but heaven forbid a crumb of white bread make it over the doorstep.

Stopped focusing on my weight and academic achievements and valued me as a person.
Supported my mild interest in sport (they couldn’t be bothered taking me so I happily dropped out).

Taught me about sugar addiction/insulin spikes and the role of protein in feeling full (they probably didn’t know enough at that time, to be fair).

@ddontholdback1
Agree with you. We have similar issue with eating when out with friends.
When we host her friends I am shocked at how much they can consume.
I used to provide the snacks ( mix of healthy and treats) and pizza after but recently they all go to the shops, pool in money and come back with a loot.
It was crispy creme, doritos, fizzy drinks, cookies and a ton of grapes and strawberries and the pizza for dinner which om hindsight I will not offer next time.
I would be called as "controlling " if I didn't allow her to socialise with friends and as "fat shaming" if I said please do not come back home with so many treats!

We can only restrict what we stock at home on a regular basis. I make allowances for half term always and have special stuff.
But even that becomes a cause for argument (we always only have weetabix or porridge moans)
And not all teenage girls want to do sports unfortunately!
The gym can work for some (mine certainly likes it better than a you tube workout) but one session a week is all she can manage.
I offer to do walks or workouts with her but obviously no teen wants to do that with mum these days.
I pay for dance lessons and ferry her faithfully and prioritise these over academics as its so important for mental health.

There is no winning what ever we do as parents sometimes

This is a really difficult one.. it seems to me that of the people on mumsnet with weight issues, half of them say their parents mentioning their weight in any form left them with life long esteem and food issues and the other half blame their parents for not teaching them how to make good food choices or for not intervening/mentioning their weight when they started to gain.
The only thing I know for sure is that children of overweight parents are more likely to be overweight themselves so modelling a healthy lifestyle yourself does help.

Modelling a healthy weight, diet and exercise yourself. I get that some teens go a bit nuts when they have access to money (pocket money or wages), one of mine was no different and it did bother me and it did show and I did raise it with her, though I realise it’s taboo on mn. It’s settled down now.

I rarely have treats in the house, all our meals are healthy. And I mean super healthy. I am a good cook, so that helps. I get that cooking is more of a chore for others though. I exercise regularly and have done since they were born. the kids reached 14/15 and started to exercise too. Either with me or (more often these days) by themselves. I facilitate by paying for gym membership.

I never had scales in the house up until a couple of months ago. (Husband wanted some) they’re in my bathroom hidden away. I don’t want anyone obsessing about weight and I honestly don’t know what they weigh. I’ve always said you can just look in the mirror and know if you’re too fat.

In all honesty at 12 she must gave a fair amount of pocket money to have enough to buy the junk it takes to become significantly overweight.

@afinishedkiss Nope. She gets £2 a week. Like a PP said they pool their money, some kids get given significantly more. Plus, she goes to friends everyday after school until I finish work and pick her up, and they feed her junk.

Actually, she's probably not significantly overweight, when she was weighed at school they said she was the higher end of normal BMI range. It's just I can see the trajectory she's on.

But cheers for the typical judgy Mumsnet comment though 👍

Actually, she's probably not significantly overweight, when she was weighed at school they said she was the higher end of normal BMI range. It's just I can see the trajectory she's on

Well she is a child so you would probably need to intervene said trajectory before she actually does become significantly overweight. What they overfeed her in the house that she gets minded at after school would probably be a good place to start.

Just a note for the parent-shamers:

Both I and my stbx are a good weight and both do on average 3 sessions of fitness or sport every week. There are rarely ready meals in the house (and DD doesnt like those), not a lot of cake or biscuits, only occasional crisps and sugary drinks, takeaways are no more than once a week and pizza is always home made, and we buy only the most middle-class chocolate. The only member of family who is notably over weight she only sees a couple of times a year, and no one around her is a fitness evangelist. You couldn't model a much more balanced eating and exercise life.

Our daughter did various sports, week in week out for years (and yes, I stood in muddy fields freezing my **ts off cheering her on and supporting her) until she realised that, if she said No, we can't make her do it. She now refuses to get out of bed and go to school on time on the day she has PE first thing. She also used to cycle to school.

Then she changed school, covid happened and she became socially isolated. So she spends all her modest pocket money on books and junk food. Mostly junk food, because she's read half of two libraries.

She has very few friends and has fallen out with most of her friendship groups. This has undoubtedly been a contributary factor. So she comfort eats or bakes as a coping strategy.

When I try to talk to her about it, she turns all Kevin & Perry or blames me for fat-shaming, which is just her way of dismissing advice and taking the responsibility she wants to have.

So when you say you've never met an over weight kid who wasn't so because of their home environment, maybe you should meet my DD.

And yes, I know its my fault, and I beat myself up for it regularly. But I really don't know what else I could have done to be as perfect as some othe MNers.

That all sounds tough. I would still look at taking away her allowance. Just pay her transport, pre pay for activities and get her some counselling. It hard but she will thank you eventually.

You cant take her allowance away, for goodness sake

Is it her friend or your friend she is with after school?
Is it a paid arrangement ?

I think tou need to talk to the parents in that house, explain what you feel and hopefully the junk will stop there and it will help abit

My 12yo has gone from maybe slightly underweight to overweight in the 5 months she started secondary. She doesn’t spend any money on food. She has free school dinners and since starting secondary is generally having something like cheese on toast for breakfast, pizza and a cake for break and more pizza, cake and a fizzy drink for lunch. The schools have a lot to account for. I’ve told her to try and eat healthier but the queue for the ‘proper’ dinners literally takes up so much time of her break that she doesn’t get time to eat, or sometimes even buy it

Give her a healthy packed lunch then. You can’t just sit back and blame the school for the choices your daughter makes and that you allow.

Judgy and inaccurate
My eldest DS was an overweight teen but we always encouraged healthy eating and exercise. He lost all the weight in early twenties and now cycles miles every weekend

Not all teens are good at/into sport

How did he get overweight then?

Do you not understand why we’re entitled to free school dinners? Do you think I’ve happily gone from her being borderline underweight to potentially being obese for her age within a matter of a few months, just because I can’t be arsed to make her a packed lunch or something?

You have seen her body change before your eyes, you gave listed what she eats every day which is horrendous but yet you have done nothing about it but blame the school.

@afinishedkiss perhaps make your comments without being rude and insulting?

OP I sympathise. My dd at 11/12 was swimming 4x a week, netball, always dancing etc. Went to secondary, puberty hit at the same time as gaining more freedom in food choices, sweets, McDonald’s with friends etc. Also, her body frame, like mine, is bigger than most of her peers and, like me, she’ll always put weight on more easily than skinny friends who eat the same. My dad was 6’4” with a frame to match, she and I have inherited it and are very curvy. Btw I walk 20k steps most days and gym 3 times a week, always have.

Covid hit and dd spent 6 months in her bedroom, inactivity and boredom put weight on. She’s now 16 and overweight but has recently joined a gym and is back exercising again. She still eats stuff I don’t want her to, and at inappropriate times, but she is starting to take back some control.

it’s very tough. I have never once used the F word, she knows how she looks and I’m NOT adding to any pressure. I tell her how good her skin looks, how lovely her hair is, how much fitter she’s looking etc, even though she’ll probably always be big like me, but she’s confident in her body and enjoys dressing to show off her figure rather than hide it.

my suggestion would be to concentrate on being positive about healthy choices, dressing well, nice hair/nails etc. Nobody ever made good choices by feeling like shit.
and she will be getting negative pressure from elsewhere - perhaps build on her positives and build up her confidence. That will benefit her more than anything else as she negotiates the next few years.