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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Overwieght

54 replies

Estherpologist · 09/02/2023 17:54

How do get a teen to care about being significantly overweight without getting accused of "fat-shaming"?

OP posts:
afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 21:44

I am not being rude and insulting. I am being truthful. I am so tired of the same old excuses. Has my frame, only has look at good and they put on weight, at a disadvantage to their skinny friends, can’t stop what they buy etc. Who was buying the food during lockdown? A child is not going to get fat from eating healthily.
parents can SEE weight gain and how they can just watch it get steadily worse until their child is obese is beyond me.

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 21:44

*food

Ragruggers · 11/02/2023 21:45

School lunches can be awful because the children don’t want to queue for ages for the set meal so eat the fast food.I understand you need the free school meal but is it possible to send her with a healthy meal a couple of times a week.I made extra pasta and veg at night and sent that or rice and veg.Hard boiled egg with some salad.Good luck.I would like to see schools only serve healthy food but doubt that will ever happen sadly.

Member786488 · 11/02/2023 22:13

Healthy active girls who go through puberty at the same time as stopping said activities through choice or circumstance can ‘get fat whilst eating healthily’ because a woman’s body often lays down fat at that time which, if combined with prolonged inactivity, means energy is not burnt off in the same way.
And some people are naturally slimmer than others.
And it’s not possible, or even desirable, to police a teenager’s diet when you see them for a few hours a day.

orangegato · 11/02/2023 22:28

I was overweight as a kid. My mum tried the whole healthy eating and exercise shite (too little too late) at age 10/11, I wasn’t interested and didn’t engage. I lost weight off my own back aged 13 as I didn’t want to be the fat unattractive one. There is no way to fix this situation if you aren’t her. Only she can want to do it, your words and actions won’t help remotely.

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 22:29

Adrelaxzz · 10/02/2023 08:47

I find it deeply upsetting when parents look to blame their teens in being overweight. I have seen it with so many friends. It is always the same parents who haven't made an effort really for years. It almost never comes from the child.
It's hard but true the only overweight teens I know have had parents that haven't really fed them consistently particularly well and/or encouraged enough activity. The ones that sneered at offering kids fruit /veg sticks after school and not processed food. The parents often have quite inactive lifestyles (the parents and kids) or focus on themselves but not the kids.
Ie lots of car journeys because walking a couple of miles is "too far". No sport clubs or gyms. No family walks or football in the park. Too much food and too little veg. So often the parents who ignored the "your child is overweight letter" and dismissed it as puppy fat. Gave them crisps or pudding or chocolate everyday. Didnt get them to try out lots of sports and stand in endless wet fields or boring swimming pools to get them moving.
Where I live about 30% of kids are obese by year 6. I could have told you they would be by nursery.
Teens who eat shite need to balance it out by moving a lot. Limit their money, make sure the food they eat at home is really healthy, encourage activity, don't give them lifts, model good behaviour. I work in health and to see the outcomes of people who were overweight from a young age is awful. It's a ticking time bomb.
I know I sound like a sanctimonious dick, and obviously there are multiple reasons why parents haven't been able to feed their kids healthy or get them to move (money, time, poor health, lack of motivation) I get it because it's hard, but so many people don't prioritise it and I honestly can't think of anything more important than good health. I feel like I have watched all these gorgeous kids grow up around me ( I have 4 kids so lots of friends) and can see some of their lovely friends get bigger and bigger and be less and less mobile and comfortable in their own skin. 3 of mine are teens now and about half their friends are overweight. They are beautiful kids but you can see them pulling down their tops awkwardly, unable to run aged 15 for more than a few metres, and I can't think how they will ever know how it feels to be fit.
Rant over

Honestly, this couldn’t be further from the truth in my family situation. I find your post very upsetting and judgmental. My DD2 (age 6) and I walk a minimum of eight miles a day up hill and down dale (think Happy Valley territory) to and from school. DD1 (age 15) has to catch a bus to her grammar school eight miles away, and back. We eat healthily and only have ‘good’ foods in our cupboards and fridges. I force DD1 to attend a teen boxing class and a Girlguiding Rangers session each week. She is addicted to eating and is diagnosed with binge eating disorder. She also has autism and ADHD, both of which bring their own food-related issues.

As a parent, I’m middle aged and my BMI is probably around the 20 mark (no scales so I never check but my clothes fit and I’m a size 10) and DD2 is like a racing snake. Both of my children are adopted and both of them have their own food and eating issues due to their early life experiences.

FrownedUpon · 11/02/2023 22:34

CallieQ · 11/02/2023 01:12

Not all teens are good at/into sport

Neither are adults but we should all do some form of exercise & teenagers have to learn this. Movement & exercise are not optional for good health.

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:08

Member786488 · 11/02/2023 22:13

Healthy active girls who go through puberty at the same time as stopping said activities through choice or circumstance can ‘get fat whilst eating healthily’ because a woman’s body often lays down fat at that time which, if combined with prolonged inactivity, means energy is not burnt off in the same way.
And some people are naturally slimmer than others.
And it’s not possible, or even desirable, to police a teenager’s diet when you see them for a few hours a day.

Ohhhh for Gods sake! What bullshit. In the VAST majority of cases it is diet…consuming too many calories. Too much crap food.

This attitude is the usual bury your head in the sand excuses.

neverendinglauaundry · 11/02/2023 23:23

OP that sounds really upsetting for both of you. From what you've said it sounds like she feels anxious and maybe a bit depressed and copes through over eating. This is something we struggle with too. And I've tried and failed with so many sports/exercise regimens for my DC.
Anything you can do to raise their self esteem helps I think. I also wish I'd made a rule that my kids have to do an extra curricular sport - they're too old now to impose it.
MN can be the most heartless place to ask about this sort of thing so try not to get upset about some of the super judgy replies

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:28

neverendinglauaundry · 11/02/2023 23:23

OP that sounds really upsetting for both of you. From what you've said it sounds like she feels anxious and maybe a bit depressed and copes through over eating. This is something we struggle with too. And I've tried and failed with so many sports/exercise regimens for my DC.
Anything you can do to raise their self esteem helps I think. I also wish I'd made a rule that my kids have to do an extra curricular sport - they're too old now to impose it.
MN can be the most heartless place to ask about this sort of thing so try not to get upset about some of the super judgy replies

You cannot outrun a bad diet! Why do so many parents zone in on the exercise or lack thereof and not tackle the problem which is diet?

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:30

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:28

You cannot outrun a bad diet! Why do so many parents zone in on the exercise or lack thereof and not tackle the problem which is diet?

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Because some of us have children with eating disorders.

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:35

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:30

Because some of us have children with eating disorders.

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That is completely different but the majority of fat kids do not have a diagnosed eating disorder.

neverendinglauaundry · 11/02/2023 23:36

Thanks @afinishedkiss in the case of my DC it's a combo of overeating (of staples - bread, cereal etc which I have to have in to feed us all) and extreme inactivity. I want them to be active, fit and happy so am focusing on exercise at present. OP may want to focus on both or neither, I was trying to send her a supportive post based on my experience.
Why does this bother you so much?

quietnightmare · 11/02/2023 23:38

Say nothing about her weight. Don't even mention it. Find time for family activities, hiking, cycling, swimming, walking, running, tennis, golf, etc. if she doesn't want to do it tell her tough it's family time. Do my make it about her weight at all

quietnightmare · 11/02/2023 23:39

Do NOT make it about her weight at all

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:48

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:35

That is completely different but the majority of fat kids do not have a diagnosed eating disorder.

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How do you know?

afinishedkiss · 11/02/2023 23:54

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:48

How do you know?

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10.1% of reception age children (age 4-5) were obese in 2021/22, with a further 12.1% were overweight. At age 10-11 (year 6), 23.4% were obese and 14.3% overweight.

How many of those children do you think have eating disorders?

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:57

I don’t know and neither do you; the statistics you quote don’t say how many children are diagnosed with eating disorders.

afinishedkiss · 12/02/2023 00:09

EmmatheStageRat · 11/02/2023 23:57

I don’t know and neither do you; the statistics you quote don’t say how many children are diagnosed with eating disorders.

The vast majority will not and you know that as well as I do. More excuses.

EmmatheStageRat · 12/02/2023 00:15

afinishedkiss · 12/02/2023 00:09

The vast majority will not and you know that as well as I do. More excuses.

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It still begs the question: how do you know?

In what capacity am I making excuses? Making excuses for what? If you think I’m making excuses for my DD1 being overweight, then I am most definitely not. I would, for a multitude of reasons, prefer for her to be a healthy weight. If you think I can control my DD’s food addictions, then you are wrong.

afinishedkiss · 12/02/2023 00:21

EmmatheStageRat · 12/02/2023 00:15

It still begs the question: how do you know?

In what capacity am I making excuses? Making excuses for what? If you think I’m making excuses for my DD1 being overweight, then I am most definitely not. I would, for a multitude of reasons, prefer for her to be a healthy weight. If you think I can control my DD’s food addictions, then you are wrong.

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I said that a diagnosed food addiction is different which is the case in your house but the vast majority of fat kids do NOT have diagnosed eating disorder.

XelaM · 12/02/2023 00:31

Sport is the answer - find something she enjoys, even if it's an obscure/niche sport. My teen rides horses every day after school and on weekends for several hours (several horses). It was definitely not something I intended for her to get into but having tried many different sports, that's the one she became most passionate about. She eats a lot of junk unfortunately, but is slim because she does so much sport.

She also lost a lot of weight during lockdown when we went running together. Even 30 minutes of running a few times a week will fo absolute wonders for weight loss.

XelaM · 12/02/2023 00:32

do*

XelaM · 12/02/2023 00:33

Boxing/kick-boxing is apparently also an amazing way to lose weight

XelaM · 12/02/2023 00:39

Estherpologist · 10/02/2023 15:59

Just a note for the parent-shamers:

Both I and my stbx are a good weight and both do on average 3 sessions of fitness or sport every week. There are rarely ready meals in the house (and DD doesnt like those), not a lot of cake or biscuits, only occasional crisps and sugary drinks, takeaways are no more than once a week and pizza is always home made, and we buy only the most middle-class chocolate. The only member of family who is notably over weight she only sees a couple of times a year, and no one around her is a fitness evangelist. You couldn't model a much more balanced eating and exercise life.

Our daughter did various sports, week in week out for years (and yes, I stood in muddy fields freezing my **ts off cheering her on and supporting her) until she realised that, if she said No, we can't make her do it. She now refuses to get out of bed and go to school on time on the day she has PE first thing. She also used to cycle to school.

Then she changed school, covid happened and she became socially isolated. So she spends all her modest pocket money on books and junk food. Mostly junk food, because she's read half of two libraries.

She has very few friends and has fallen out with most of her friendship groups. This has undoubtedly been a contributary factor. So she comfort eats or bakes as a coping strategy.

When I try to talk to her about it, she turns all Kevin & Perry or blames me for fat-shaming, which is just her way of dismissing advice and taking the responsibility she wants to have.

So when you say you've never met an over weight kid who wasn't so because of their home environment, maybe you should meet my DD.

And yes, I know its my fault, and I beat myself up for it regularly. But I really don't know what else I could have done to be as perfect as some othe MNers.

OP - perfect parents only exist on MN, so I would ignore the horrible sanctimonious (and u helpful) posts.

I would take your daughter to the gym with you (if that's allowed) and force her to go running with you if that's something you do. Once she starts to see results she will continue with it. She sounds down and depressed and I completely understand it because I over-eat when I'm down, which becomes a vicious circle.