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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What would you do with DD14 - wits end here

74 replies

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 16:16

I’m at a loss. These problems are relatively small but it’s all adding up: DD is incredibly rude and dismissive which I’ve broadly made my peace with. She is unhelpful around the house, and does very little or no homework but is smart enough so the grades are so so. Just one after school activity which again I’ve made my peace with.

Post parent teacher meeting we all agreed that she would do an hour of school work Monday to Wednesday. The rest of the time she is free to be on her phone (it’s taken at bedtime)

She isn’t doing the school work and lied about submitting something last night. Today I told her she needed to do it before her activity and she’s been so obnoxious she has told me that I am a ‘disgusting liar’

Ive taken the phone and shes now saying she won’t go to tennis until she gets it back. Tennis is held over us as she knows we are eager for her to do some exercise . She does however enjoy it.

She then proceeded to take her dinner to the couch - there is no eating meals on the couch - and she says that I can’t make her stop.

I mean what would you do with this. She’s now doing the work but only after an almighty showdown and it’s exhausting and destructive

OP posts:

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 16:44

Anyone - feel like I am just massively weak here !

OP posts:

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 16:59

How is she getting away with such little homework at school?

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 16:59

Sudden change or is this a pattern growing for years?

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:00

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 16:59

How is she getting away with such little homework at school?

School are a bit relaxed and she is able to wing it

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 09/02/2023 17:01

Well ignore her blackmail attempts, stay calm and just repeat the rules. She can cut her nose off to spite her face re tennis if she likes, do not show you are bothered in the slightest.
Try not to get too emotional or lose your cool when she is breaking agreements or house rules, just keep stating what she should be doing. You are the adult, she's not. but she needs to see you role modelling adult behaviour and good parenting.
When she's calm (may not be tonight) then talk calmly to her about the lack of neccesity for the dramatics. That all houses have rules, and that you have a responsibility to enforce good habits, you do it because you care enough and think she's worth it.

You will no doubt get a lot of replies telling you your rules are too much, that you are being controlling blah blah that she should eat where she likes, and all teens have theit phones all night blah blah. Ignore all that. We have the same rules as you and so do most of my friends who have teens.
Solidarity, they are exhausting!

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 17:03

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:00

School are a bit relaxed and she is able to wing it

Show quote history

The school are a bit shit in that case Op

i don’t know what to suggest. I suspect this isn’t an overnight phenomenon though?

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 17:07

My mum would probably have taken my dinner off me but I don't know if I'd advocate that.

Call her bluff re tennis. I bet she breaks before you give her back her phone, even if it takes a few weeks.

Orangesare · 09/02/2023 17:09

Could the phone have time out for the same amount of time she has missed doing school work for and for the time she has sat on the sofa eating. You can turn the wifi off. Or you could switch it round and give her the wifi code once she has completed her school work

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 17:09

The rest of the time she is free to be on her phone (it’s taken at bedtime)

OP, tell me you’re joking.

aside from 3 hours of homework… a week!! You allow her unfettered use of her phone

i am guessing she doesn’t have a bedtime?

MrsMikeHeck · 09/02/2023 17:11

Sounds like you handled it well. You knew that she hadn’t handed in homework, enforced the consequence and then she did the homework.

Teenage strops can destroy you, but don’t let the exhausted after shock distract you from the fact that it’s all ok. Teenagers are going to strop, they sometimes don’t do homework and they sometimes lie about it.

She did her homework, somehow you made space for her to back down. She might well present a bit sulky now - just let her and don’t escalate.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/02/2023 17:11

Pick your battles. If she won't exercise, she won't feel good about herself and she'll put on weight. I'd say that to her once and leave it up to her.

I'd leave the room when she's eating on the couch - I wouldn't want her to see my reaction.

If she's horrible to you I wouldn't give her pocket money. It's really frustrating how impotent you feel, isn't it?

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:14

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 16:59

Sudden change or is this a pattern growing for years?

Since she started secondary and since she got the phone. I’m fairly confident that there’s no other issues but she’s just getting lazy really.

With regards to the rudeness and argumentativeness, she feels she needs to argue every point

OP posts:

Peakypolly · 09/02/2023 17:14

Just to say I could have written this 8 years ago. The most heard phrase in our house was "I'll do what I want".
Now I have a wonderful 22 year old graduate,embarking on her chosen career and confidently loving her independence.
I can't be much help, I just wore my hard hat, kept re-iterating I was imposing rules for her own good and loved her hard, despite it being challenging sometimes! Good luck.

Indigoshift · 09/02/2023 17:15

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 16:59

How is she getting away with such little homework at school?

Loads of schools don't set loads of homework. No need.
Reading over what you did in the lesson is best.

Op it is really hard. Teens are a whole new ball game.

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:15

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/02/2023 17:11

Pick your battles. If she won't exercise, she won't feel good about herself and she'll put on weight. I'd say that to her once and leave it up to her.

I'd leave the room when she's eating on the couch - I wouldn't want her to see my reaction.

If she's horrible to you I wouldn't give her pocket money. It's really frustrating how impotent you feel, isn't it?

Yes that’s it - how can I let her know this just isn’t ok.

is taking the phone wrong. I feel ridiculous - like im threatening the naughty step (which I didn’t even do!!)

OP posts:

Andsoforth · 09/02/2023 17:16

I know I’m going to get slammed for bringing up special needs but I have a 14 year old ds with asd, who masks brilliantly in school and comes home exhausted, and depleted.

Homework is a struggle.
Chores don’t happen in term time.
He needs to chill out after school and decompress so after school activities aren’t on.

We’re trying to find the balance between his mental health and his education.

Asd and adhd are much more obvious in boys than girls. If there’s a mismatch between her in-school behaviour and at home, or if she is much more relaxed and pleasant during school holidays I’d be looking into these things.

I know MN rolls it’s collective eyes every time SN are mentioned, but as a neurodivergent parent of a neurodivergent child I would always want to rule out these things before deciding they’re due to bad character or bad parenting.

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:16

Peakypolly · 09/02/2023 17:14

Thanks peak - that’s what im trying to do. Let’s just say she isn’t exactly accepting of the love 🙄

Did you push back on the behaviour - for example taking phone and pocket money

OP posts:

Indigoshift · 09/02/2023 17:16

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 17:09

The rest of the time she is free to be on her phone (it’s taken at bedtime)

OP, tell me you’re joking.

aside from 3 hours of homework… a week!! You allow her unfettered use of her phone

i am guessing she doesn’t have a bedtime?

I sometimes think Mumsnet is not the real world.
Not my experience of anyone I know at all.

UniversalTruth · 09/02/2023 17:18

SEN or not, The Explosive Child book might help you. You need to pick one issue and drop the rest though.

I agree on picking battles - how she knows that you don't talk to people like that is that you've role modelled it and will continue to do so. She does know really, because she doesn't talk to her teachers that way.

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:18

Ursula82 · 09/02/2023 17:09

The rest of the time she is free to be on her phone (it’s taken at bedtime)

OP, tell me you’re joking.

aside from 3 hours of homework… a week!! You allow her unfettered use of her phone

i am guessing she doesn’t have a bedtime?

She does - phone handed in at 9.30. Bed by 10.30. 4 hours of tennis and then yes outside the school she has the phone

OP posts:

Original poster

Bibbling · 09/02/2023 17:20

Indigoshift · 09/02/2023 17:16

I sometimes think Mumsnet is not the real world.
Not my experience of anyone I know at all.

Show quote history

Do you mean me indigo. I take the phone at 9.30 but for the last few months I’ve taken away time limits on the phone. She’s mostly listening to music

OP posts:

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 09/02/2023 17:22

If everyone in the house follows the 'no eating dinner on the sofa' rule (which is a perfectly normal and acceptable house rule btw) why is she allowed to do it?
It is as though she is testing you, to see if the rules ARE the rules. Like an earlier poster said, I'd take her plate away. I have done that, in this house. DC are 16 and 12, ASD. They live here, we all live together and we are respectful of each other.
Yes, that means they pull me up too when I 'break' a rule - so last week I found my pile of work clothes dumped on my bed with a towel I'd used for my hair and left on bathroom floor. But of course I had to laugh - I reap what I sow!
Hold the line OP - she's testing you, you are not wrong, the line you are showing her is comforting. Push back.

Timeforabiscuit · 09/02/2023 17:22

Solidarity.

With the work ethic, I'd start reframing it by asking what her and her friends are going to do once she's 18 - once dd said she wanted a house share with her friends in the city, it clicked that I wasn't going to foot the bill, so it made sense to work for the future she wanted.

Mainly I'm maintaining the illusion of serenity and wondering if her eye rolling will cause long term damage.

Indigoshift · 09/02/2023 17:23

No not you at all. I literally do not know any parents who take their 14 year olds phone. I appreciate its a small sample size of about 30 but its only on Mumsnet I hear of it.
I think education and trust are more important.

I have seen too many students be sneaky and shut their parents out.

I appreciate its an unpopular opinion on here. But only here.

Frenchfancy · 09/02/2023 17:24

I'm probably harsher than some but if I have a rule of not eating on the sofa then that rule is enforced.

I think teenagers are like toddlers, they are looking to find the boundaries, then push them to see how strong they are.

Do you spend time with her, one on one? Take her shopping or to the cinema?

At about this age I backed off on homework arguments. I left that to the teachers.

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